Jan 16, 2005 - 10:39 am
Hello Everyone!!!! I am sorry that I haven't been around lately!! I just haven't been to positive lately. I received an email from a special friend and he said to post. So it took a while but here I am.
I have thought of all of you all the time and just think about everything you guys have done for us in the past and I owe you guys to try and get back online and deal with things. It is rough reading some of the post as they bring back so many memories. Both good and bad. I guess I think I was running away from things. I still sometime think that Bob is on a trip and that he will come back home. I know I sound crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Last weekend I striped the front room to clean it since it was about a year since I could move anything. It wasn't hard moving everything out but it has been very hard putting things back in as I know Bob will not be using his favorite room anymore. I guess I was thinking the old way as I used to empty the room out once a year to scrub and put things back as normal but now I know it is not going to be normal ever again. Bob's brother Erv came up yesterday to look at a plumbing problem I have and he wanted tohelp me put the room back together and I told him no as I had to do it myself even if it takes me months. I am having the same problem with the Christmas stuff I took everything down and took upstairs but to this day haven't put it away. Probably for the same reason. I guess this is some of the reason why I haven't been able to post as things will never be normal or the old way they were for me again. I started back to work last week not because I wanted to I had to. I told myself that that was want Bob would of wanted. So I jumped back in had some rough days but am getting through them. I had to leave my safty zone and get out. I hate coming home not because of Bob but just because reality hits knowing that he won't be there. I have been adding to the water table alot like we haven't had enough rain. I know I have to get through this and go on but I haven't a clue as to how to do it. Bob has been gone for 3 weeks now and it feels like it is the day of his passing. Erv turned out the Christmas lights on the shed as he had to due to popping a fuse using the sewere machine. I felt my heart sink. I knew they were going to have to go off sooner or later but I never thought that I would feel the way I did. I did leave them off but I kept the house lit up. I guess I am waiting for all the bulbs to burn out. I don't know.
I'm sorry as I just realized that I have been running away with my thoughts not thinking about you guys. That is how things have been.
Please everyone keep fighting this monster with everything you have as Bob did!!!!! I pray for everyone to have to strength to get through one day at a time and live life to the fullest!!!!
I have only one favor to ask you ALL!!!! Bob's brother is finally going to the gastroligist to set up for his test. Please say a pray for him and selfishly me for him to be clean!!!! I don't think that I or our family could handle it if there was something wrong with him!!!! Please pray for us!!!!I am going to have to go also someday but right now I am frozen in fear as I am alone now and I have no insurance. But the fear is number one!!!! Not of the test or what is involved but for the results. I don't think that I could handle anymore right now.
Thank You everyone for all of your support and prayers!!!!
My Best Wishes and Prayers to all of you!!!!