Jan 07, 2005 - 9:30 pm
Hi all, I haven't posted much lately. You all have always been there for me. Sorry I haven't been back much. I have been in the hospital twice within the last month, with my colostomy not working. What a pain!!! Also, I think that having rectal cancer twice within six months is finally hitting me. I've stayed strong for everyone else, now I'm falling apart. I'm probably going beyond my boundaries here, as I don't know you all, but I do know we have something in common. I hope this doesn't scare you away from me. Last week I had gotten to the breaking point and left my family a note that I loved them and goodbye. I wasn't planning on killing myself, I just didn't want to be a burden to anyone anymore. I've had so many health problems since getting cancer. I now have heart problems, have had a slight stroke, and now I'm totally depressed. Anyhow, I tried to get help from a hospital where the psychiatrist that gives me antidepressants practices. It was 400am in the morning, and even though it is a pychiatric hospital, they told me they had no one to talk to me and turned me away and told me to come back on Monday, which was 3 days later and talk to my doctor. Being New Year's they didn't have time to deal with me, when I asked for help. I got back on the interstate and drove and called a crisis line and they wouldn't help me. I then called 911 and told them my situation and the man on the line proceeded to tell me his problems, so I hang up. I was on my cell phone and didn't know I could be located. I had already been reported missing by my family. The police pulled me over, did not search me or my purse and allowed me to keep my purse in my possession. I told them I didn't want my family notified and they agreed to this. They said they were going to take me to talk to someone. They took me to a pychiatrist's office. This was about 4 hours from my home. While I was talking to her, her phone rings and it's my daughter. This really upset me, as I felt lied to. I was depressed and agitated to begin with. When the psychiatrist got up to check and see why they told my daughter where I was, I left. The policeman was sitting outside in his car and got me and put me in the cruiser. He said I was going to jail because I had ran from him on the interstate. I explained that I was in a construction zone when he turned his bluelight on and I proceeded off the interstate to a safer place. I then told them that I needed to potty and I needed a drink. Off I went to the bathroom, with purse in tow. I checked and seen that I had painkillers in my purse. I know it wasn't right, but I was so mad. When I got back in the police car, with my purse and me still not searched, I started taking the pills, which the police officer and about 10 more that had arrived stood and socialized. I took about 10 before they caught me. Talk about neglect. Then they took me to a psychiatric hospital where they were supposed to hold me 72 hours. I was feeling the effects of the overdose so they took me to the hospital. They gave me charcoal. Boy, do colostomies hate charcoal!!!!!!! I put out black for a week. When they released me, they took me back to the pychiatric hospital. My family was there then. They told the doctor they wanted me back closer to home. He released me into their care, even though there was a court order. They took me to the hospital that had originally turned me away. Believe it or not, the woman that I spoke to that night actually checked me in. She said, "Judy, why didn't you let me know you were in such bad shape"? I told her that I did. Well, the hospital would not get my miralax for me. My physical doctor told me to take it everyday to keep my colostomy from stopping up again. They kept telling me it was coming. It never did, so I checked myself out AMA. They will not see me any longer, I have been in there care for about 15 years due to bipolar. I went home and the next morning was in so much pain that I had to go to the hospital. They admitted me and started laxatives and irrigation and it took 2 days to get it to start working again. Now I have no pychiatrist and no therapist. I feel if the first hospital would have helped me that none of this would have happened. I have talked to a lawyer already. I just feel that mental health care has slipped through the cracks somewhere. I am still a mess emotionally and don't know what to do. I've left out a lot of this story. I know it is really long. Any suggestions about what I should do next??