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Too many things-Very long!!

grandma047's picture
grandma047
Posts: 381
Joined: Feb 2004

Hi all, I haven't posted much lately. You all have always been there for me. Sorry I haven't been back much. I have been in the hospital twice within the last month, with my colostomy not working. What a pain!!! Also, I think that having rectal cancer twice within six months is finally hitting me. I've stayed strong for everyone else, now I'm falling apart. I'm probably going beyond my boundaries here, as I don't know you all, but I do know we have something in common. I hope this doesn't scare you away from me. Last week I had gotten to the breaking point and left my family a note that I loved them and goodbye. I wasn't planning on killing myself, I just didn't want to be a burden to anyone anymore. I've had so many health problems since getting cancer. I now have heart problems, have had a slight stroke, and now I'm totally depressed. Anyhow, I tried to get help from a hospital where the psychiatrist that gives me antidepressants practices. It was 400am in the morning, and even though it is a pychiatric hospital, they told me they had no one to talk to me and turned me away and told me to come back on Monday, which was 3 days later and talk to my doctor. Being New Year's they didn't have time to deal with me, when I asked for help. I got back on the interstate and drove and called a crisis line and they wouldn't help me. I then called 911 and told them my situation and the man on the line proceeded to tell me his problems, so I hang up. I was on my cell phone and didn't know I could be located. I had already been reported missing by my family. The police pulled me over, did not search me or my purse and allowed me to keep my purse in my possession. I told them I didn't want my family notified and they agreed to this. They said they were going to take me to talk to someone. They took me to a pychiatrist's office. This was about 4 hours from my home. While I was talking to her, her phone rings and it's my daughter. This really upset me, as I felt lied to. I was depressed and agitated to begin with. When the psychiatrist got up to check and see why they told my daughter where I was, I left. The policeman was sitting outside in his car and got me and put me in the cruiser. He said I was going to jail because I had ran from him on the interstate. I explained that I was in a construction zone when he turned his bluelight on and I proceeded off the interstate to a safer place. I then told them that I needed to potty and I needed a drink. Off I went to the bathroom, with purse in tow. I checked and seen that I had painkillers in my purse. I know it wasn't right, but I was so mad. When I got back in the police car, with my purse and me still not searched, I started taking the pills, which the police officer and about 10 more that had arrived stood and socialized. I took about 10 before they caught me. Talk about neglect. Then they took me to a psychiatric hospital where they were supposed to hold me 72 hours. I was feeling the effects of the overdose so they took me to the hospital. They gave me charcoal. Boy, do colostomies hate charcoal!!!!!!! I put out black for a week. When they released me, they took me back to the pychiatric hospital. My family was there then. They told the doctor they wanted me back closer to home. He released me into their care, even though there was a court order. They took me to the hospital that had originally turned me away. Believe it or not, the woman that I spoke to that night actually checked me in. She said, "Judy, why didn't you let me know you were in such bad shape"? I told her that I did. Well, the hospital would not get my miralax for me. My physical doctor told me to take it everyday to keep my colostomy from stopping up again. They kept telling me it was coming. It never did, so I checked myself out AMA. They will not see me any longer, I have been in there care for about 15 years due to bipolar. I went home and the next morning was in so much pain that I had to go to the hospital. They admitted me and started laxatives and irrigation and it took 2 days to get it to start working again. Now I have no pychiatrist and no therapist. I feel if the first hospital would have helped me that none of this would have happened. I have talked to a lawyer already. I just feel that mental health care has slipped through the cracks somewhere. I am still a mess emotionally and don't know what to do. I've left out a lot of this story. I know it is really long. Any suggestions about what I should do next??
I have so many health and emotional problems that I just want to fade away. Will this nightmare every end? Also, my surgeon is wanting to biopsy my bottom because it is not healed from cancer surgery in May. I can't take cancer a third time. What is a person to do
Judy

colsie
Posts: 24
Joined: Dec 2004

Dear Judy,
I have just read your post and really feel for you and what seems overwhelming. Not knowing you I am in no position to tell you what to do, however I do know what it feels like to be desperate and looking for answers. I am responding, because just the wait for an acknowledgement can be agonizing.
Please know that at times our feelings jade our perception of a situation. So what may feel like a merry go round of sickness and lack of concern by those around you, may actually be others learning through you. Not that we want to go through those situations, but I have learned that more often than not, what happens to me is not about me. I am the vehicle for someone else's lessons. If I look at it that way, it is not quite as hard, because at least there is some purpose, and it is not about me being punished for some wrongdoing.
Others do care - why else would they be looking for you. They just may not know the words you need to hear. I think that those words may be "You matter. You are loved, and will continue to be loved no matter what you experience. You are not alone." You must know the Footprints in the Sand poem. The author says when she sees the one set of footprints "why did you leave me" and God responds, "that's when I carried you". One day you will look back, and this will all be very clear.
Don't go by your feelings, go by what you know.
Have a good night, keep safe
Colsie

andreae
Posts: 238
Joined: Sep 2003

Dear Judy,

I have been fortunate enough to follow your courageous journey since re-diagnosis. You have my upmost respect. What you have endured, I cannot begin to imagine. The cancer, the operation and all the complications. My heart goes out to you. I think all cancer survivors can identify with feelings of guilt, feelings of being broken, ect. I don't really know what to say except we are here. We are listening. We care. You have fought too long and too hard to give up. However, feelings of despair and hopelessness are natural after everything you have experienced. I hope you are getting the support you need. Have the doctors been monitoring your other conditions? I know when cancer is diagnosed, other concerns fall by the wayside. Have the doctors been monitoring your bipolar? Are you on lithium or just antidepressants? Obviously, it is high time your doctors get involve and tend to your needs. Wishing you wellness and peace.

Hugs,
Andrea

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

Judy,
I can't offer you any word of advise. Just wanted to let you know, you are in my prayers. Hold onto the love of your family and friends!
Mary

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1075
Joined: Aug 2003

WOW! You have been dealing with alot. I hope you find new doc. that you can talk to. You are due for some good news, your day is coming.
Maureen

alihamilton's picture
alihamilton
Posts: 344
Joined: Jan 2004

My dear Judy,

My heart goes out to you and I feel so lost for words. I think the fact that you posted may have helped you get out some of the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness and I want you to be assured that you should post any time you are feeling like this. I know you have waited a long time for a turn in your condition and instead it has been one thing after another. My prayers are with you....know that you are loved and hang in there. You have shown such courage.

jsabol's picture
jsabol
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Oh Judy,
You are having to deal with so much at once, no wonder you don't know where to turn. My sister is bipolar, and every medical illness she has had, so matter whether major, like surgery, or minor, like a sprained ankle, has required the involvement of her psychiatrist to ensure her stability. Often times things go really well, but every once in a while something just goes awry and sends her into a tailspin. As discouraging as it is, I am here to tell you that you can get things back on an even keel for yourself. It sounds like you have very concerned family. Even if it doesn't always go smoothly with them, they love you and are trying to help.
I hope you find a doctor who can work with you and one that you trust and have confidence in. You are so right that there are too many cracks in the mental health system. It is like all areas of health care, I think, and you need to learn as much as you can about what works for you and advocate for yourself all the time.
I'm glad you are able to post here, and hope you are finding the support you need to get through this crisis.
You remain in my prayers, the other Judy

slammer
Posts: 120
Joined: May 2004

Hi there G-ma, you really need assistance, but in the meantime I wish you well and you are!Sounds like too much going on, go home relax let the things that are bothering over you slip away. you have too much on your plate, and the plate is over....... I cannotanswer you needs but you can by settling down woman, chill you re ill and get what you need slowly not so rushed, it will happen just chill. I am a stage 4 cancer & you need to chill............

timlou
Posts: 60
Joined: Jul 2004

Wow that was a manic/depressive message if I ever read one. You are not alone in this fight but I know you feel like you are. You need to stay on the Psych meds as I am sure you know at all costs. You need to depend on your family for help and realize how far you have already come. You are obviously a survivor with a very busy angel on your shoulder. Life dealt you a few too many surprises but some of them sound pretty good. You have a family that cares about you, you are articulate and have a sense of humor, this site was designed for you, just take one day at a time and TAKE YOUR MEDICINE. I have a whole family of bi-polar's and some have chronic and acute diagnoses. They are not easy to take care of but we do it because we love them unconditionally as I am sure your family loves you. Good luck Louise

patriciag
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2004

i read your post i want you to know your in my prayers

slammer
Posts: 120
Joined: May 2004

Hi I never have been able to say things the right way but you touched me w/ your problems & I want you to know people care and yes this is a tough ugly hurtful disease, but you have strengh & our prayers are with you. God Bless you and stay tough, as hard as it seems. Love Amy

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