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Wishing for better news

andreae
Posts: 238
Joined: Sep 2003

Hi guys,

Okay, need some positive reinforcement. If I am honest, I am pretty devastated. But, I'm trying not to let it in. Okay, I'll start with the good news, pelvis, liver, abdomen, and bones are all clean. Unfortunately, they still see nodules in my lungs. Some have grown since the last CT in August, which I guess is to be expected since I only did 4 rounds of chemo. I mean, I know the news could have been worse... I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm just so sad. I have been trying so very hard for the past two years. I was actually diagnosed on January 15th 2003. I have done everything I can, but the cancer just keeps on growing. I can't take it. Why can't it just leave me alone? I know I should be grateful for what I have and I really am. I am so glad to be here dealing with this than over in Asia struggling to survive. I just really, really wanted a remission. The radiologists see ten more lesions... Can you imagine? After all that, more tumors. I just don't understand. I'm so very, very demoralized. And scared. I'm very scared. The fear is kind of new. Haven't felt this way in awhile. And sad. I'm in the process of applying to graduate school. Yesterday, I applied for a seven year program. Can you imagine? I'm applying for PhD programs while tumors are springing up in my lungs. Who am I trying to kid? I just feel so heavy right now - I understand the meaning of heavy hearted. Also, despite the lesions, the doctor wants to postpone treatment because my poor little body is just tired of chemo. He wants me to rest for a few months. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I mean the news could have been so much worse right? I wish I could have relayed better news, though. Thank you for letting me vent. Trying to stay upbeat for friends and family cause I don't want to scare them. I really needed a place to be honest.

Sad for the moment, but tomorrow will be a better day,
Andrea

kerry's picture
kerry
Posts: 1317
Joined: Jan 2003

Andrea,

You deserve to be down right now and devastated. I am devastated by your news, but we'll keep on fighting. I keep your saying "The Strength of the Human Spirit" right by my computer and I am looking at it right now. We have faith and we believe and it carries us through the bad times and we can overcome any obstacle. Give your body a rest to rebuild and then go back to the fight. I'll be here for you, we'll all be here for you. Email me if you want to talk.

Lots of love and faith,

Kerry

johnom's picture
johnom
Posts: 86
Joined: Jul 2004

Dear Andreae,
I loved the courage and spirit your posting reveals. The good news you mention is indeed that, isn't it? I mean, if your liver, bones, pelvis and abdomen are still clear you are waging a damn good fight!
Keep working on your doctorate. You are going to get it. And don't think you won't.
Dare I say this? Isn't it worse to fight to live against this disease than to be wiped out in a moment of catastrophe? Our fear is real and our reality is bloated and distorted by fear of the unknown future. Who wouldn't be demoralized? Who couldn't be demoralized?
If you try to read your message objectively you surely will see what a tough fighter you are. Hang in there. Please hang in there.
Tell us about your thesis when it is approved. I say take a breather and go back at it again with the chemo when you can. Tomorrow will be a better day. I can't say it better than you did.

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2084
Joined: Dec 2001

(((((Sweet Baby Girl))))

Honey I send you the biggest baddest hug right now.

Everyone deals with a cancer diagnosis is the way s/he sees fit. But maybe it's time to take a break and only focus on getting you well. Can you afford to go to a clinic for the months that your onc wants you to rest from the chemo? Can you/would you consider going to an alternative clinic that could help you try really hard to get your body back up to snuff in order to obliterate that cancer?

Have you read A Cancer Battle Plan by anne Frahm?

How about Spontaneous Healing by Dr. Andrew Weil?

I am so sorry you are going through this. And maybe signing up for the 7 yr phd program gives you the hope you need....but I would think the stress of everything you are going through would be hard on your healing capabilities.

You do not have to remain strong for anyone. You have to heal for YOU!!

Try getting your PhD in alternative cancer healing modalities......use your energy to focus on getting rid of your cancer.

There is so much out there. So so so much. I want to know you in 7 years as our very own baby girl survivor no matter if you are a Dr. Whatever or not.!!! :-)

You spirit is already worthy of a dissertation.

I am glad you can be honest here. I hope you can translate that to your family and friends out there. I so wish that my sister could have been honest with us rather than upbeat at times. I could see through the thin veil at times but it only held me at bay but not make me any less fearful for her. It actually made it uncomfortable. Just my own insight. Everyone is different.

You are loved here. And I am sad when you are sad. I wish there were something I could do to help your heaviness.

peace, emily who sends prayers your way

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

Andrea -

Thanks for sharing your news with us and also thanks for sharing with us a glimpse beneath your armour. You are one of the strongest, most amazing people I have met. Your courage and spirit inspire me - and countless other numbers - daily.

You are beating the dragon on many fronts while he has gained a little ground on only one. Were I a general on the field receiving that report, I would say you are still winning the war.

Andrea, I know that you were pumped to get a remission report. I wanted so much for you to have one, too. I understand how dark things must seem right now. Remember:

Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter.
-Bono

You are moving in the right direction by starting to fill that darkness with light - your PhD program, by coming here and seeking the light of your friends, etc. There is much more light for you as well - when you give your body a rest, try some of Em's alternative methods, be with your other friends, focus on positive things.

You are a beacon of positive energy to so many people. We're here for you; any time. You're winning the war, sweetie, you've had one set-back, but you're still winning the war. Keep pushing forward. I just know you're going to beat this dragon. Anything we can do to help you - we're all over it.

Wishing you health... and light.

- Bob

StacyGleaso's picture
StacyGleaso
Posts: 1246
Joined: Mar 2003

Andrea,

I just watched the Lance Armstrong interview on ESPN Classic last night. He had 12 nodules on his lungs! He also had tons on his brain, as well as some parts that you don't even have (you're supposed to laugh here...)! Take each day as it comes. Everytime I read one of your postings, I feel like I know someone who is stronger and braver than anyone I have ever met. I am in awe at how incredibly tough you are. You are not a downer...you are human. I know, everything you've done up to this point has indicated that you are stronger than the average human, but your heart and spirit can be given a lot to endure, and you have done so with flying colors.

We ALL need a pep talk every once-in-a-while...there is nothing wrong with that. In the back of all of our minds, we are all scared. With every test and procedure we're all left to question where we fit in this crazy scheme of things. You are here to inspire others, as well as gain strength, too.

You can and will get through this...

Stacy

kangatoo's picture
kangatoo
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Aw Andrea, sweetie. Now you gorn done make kanga get all soppy n sensitive! Hey, the good news outweighs the bad babe! What makes you think that you are not entitled to get really, really pissed off with all this crap. You are such a treasure to us all Andrea and I for one have watched your progress ever since I came here. I have this obsession to do everything I can think of to pass on some faith, hope, luv and huggs--ANYTHING to keep you out of that dreadfull depression babe. If I send you a rainbow Andrea will you really--truly--close your eyes and follow those colours to the end of it?? If you had not have applied for your Phd what would you be thinking in 7 years time knowing you could have and didn't? Your strength and determination will get you there Andrea. Stacy said it--we are ALL scared! I will betcha even Sponger has let a tear or two fall.
The rainbow comes with this hugg,
((((((((((((((((ANDREA)))))))))))))))
Now you close your eyes and see it's beauty and remember where the love comes from!!!
Thinking and praying for you sweetie, kanga n Jen

Kanort's picture
Kanort
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jan 2004

Dear Andrea,

Your subject title made my heart feel heavy, but as I read your post, I focused on your last statement. "Tomorrow will be a better day!" and it will.

Your initial response to the news was perfectly normal and because you were able to share it with us, part of the burden of the trying to be so strong for family and friends will be lifted. From the above posts and the ones to follow, you must know that you are loved and an inspiration to all of us who have been on this earth a lot longer than you.

Allow your body to rest, but fight your cancer with your incredible mind and spirit. Please come here for support. You are not alone!

Sending you love and prayers,

Kay

steved
Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

I admire your strength and motivation to keep fighting this monster. There is little further to be addded to that written above but I felt the key to what you wrote was about you PhD work. YES YES YES_ go for it. Anything that gives us a sense that we are still normal human beings with ambitions, and aims in life is vital. We are not jsut walking cancers- that is a minor part of us. Get on with your life despite this news and don't let a little cancer take over your dreams and ambitions. I found returning to work and getting back into thte normal routine of every day helped enormously after a period of feeling everything I did was to do with the cancer.
Live you life.

Steve.

littlejulie's picture
littlejulie
Posts: 311
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi Andrea,

I think I've already shared this story but I feel the need to share it again. My future mother in law bought the most beautiful painting for my mother. It was called "This too shall pass". It's a lovely young lady standing at the beach looking at the water with flowers in her hands.
This painting was painted by a young lady who had breast cancer that spread to her lungs. She started painting these paintings when she was first diagnosed in 2000. She's still painting today cancer free.

Stay positive.
You have been doing a great job!

julie

Lisa Rose's picture
Lisa Rose
Posts: 589
Joined: Mar 2003

Dear Andreae,

Just know you will remain in my thought's & prayers. You are the strongest and most determined person I have ever met. Your a fighter all the way Andreae and don't ever forget that. Yesterdays news may have knock the wind out of your sails. But today is a new day!

Lisa

jsabol's picture
jsabol
Posts: 1156
Joined: Dec 2003

Hi Andrea,
Along with all the others, I am sending ((((((hugs)))))), prayers and positive thoughts your way. Your strength and courage seem boundless, but you are human, too, and news like this hits hard. I have been so in awe of your strength and maturity, which will continue to see you through this whole ordeal.
I hope you always continue to use this board as a place to be totally honest, and I hope that you have people in your life that will accept that you are not always totally upbeat.
I don't know who said it, but the quote "I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me" is one that I always think of when I read your posts.
We will all be here. Sending more hugs your way, Judy

aspaysia's picture
aspaysia
Posts: 257
Joined: Nov 2003

This is our treehouse. Being a member in good standing of this club you have the right to *****. We hear you, Andrea. And we are here for you. Don't try to be upbeat for our sake. We are a pretty tough bunch, even those cry-baby guys who are probably stronger for their tears. No pretending here. No outsiders allowed.
I never tell people about my cancer. It is in the past and even when I was in treatment they did not hear about it from me. I do not want to be known as a victim or a survivor. This disease does not define me. I come here to read and post and annoy other members. What is said here stays here.
You are one of us no matter what you decide to do about school. But in the outside world you could be a contender. Go for the sheepskin. You will be seven years older anyway.
You need to let go and freefall for a while. Keep us posted.
Your friend and admirer, Aspaysia

goldfinch's picture
goldfinch
Posts: 737
Joined: Oct 2003

Andrea,
I can't add much more to these beautiful messages you've already received other than to 1. suggest you read them often. There is much wisdom and caring there (some of which you've passed on yourself, to us, at different times), and 2. I am sending positive vibes your way!
Mary P

taunya's picture
taunya
Posts: 392
Joined: Jul 2002

Dear Andreae,
I am really sad about the tumors. It stinks big time. I wish I could give you a hug, make you some tea and tuck you in on the couch with a good magazine and a paperback book (the tv remote is on the table with your tea). I love the reference made to Lance in an earlier post. It can be done! it has been done! Why not you?! I am sending heavy duty good health and you are loved vibes. Stay tough and take kind and gentle care of that bod.
Love,
Taunya

taraHK
Posts: 1961
Joined: Aug 2003

I was sad to hear your news and your frustration and sorrow. Sending love your way. I personally think it is great that you are applying for PhD programme -- good to have a future-focus! ***** away here - we are here for each other.
Tara

sharonM
Posts: 12
Joined: May 2004

Hi Andreae, I am so sorry for the results you received, but you're right tomorrow is another day. Personally I feel continuing your studies sends a really strong "live" message to your brain and consequently your body, so I hope you do continue. It seems like another way of saying I will not give in to this. It is just such a hard thing we all have to do to regroup and move forward, but you will, we all will. Remember Barry Stein had 9 operations before he became cancer free. I remember reading a quote from him that the one good thing about colon cancer is that you can chase it. If it appears in the lung you cut it out. If it shows up in the liver you cut it out. It worked so well for him and it will for you too, I just know it. I read the Cancer Battle Plan over Christmas and found it to be very inspiring. I too am on a sabbatical from chemo and have decided to look into the natural path. Cancer is such a stupid disease and I know you can out smart it!

Take Care,
Sharon

livin
Posts: 319
Joined: Jan 2003

Iam sorry about the news you recieved but being you you will turn a neg. into a positive. As I have said in the past you are one strong woman. I know you will never give up hope, cause hope is all we have. Hang in there Andrea, Livin

fedester
Posts: 734
Joined: Jul 2004

hi andrea,
stay positive,you have a lot of good news!!!!!!
that is great that you are going for your phd. we will all be there when you graduate!!!!!!
yes you might have lost a little battle but you are winning the war. we are here for you 24/7.
keep the faith.
all the best
bruce

JKendall
Posts: 186
Joined: Nov 2004

Hey Andrea...Geez this stuff sucks the wind right out of you. I haven't been posting much on this site since I first signed up in November. I do notice how compassionate and strong you have been for everyone else who has been down...including me when I first asked "Help me help my wife." I got great support from everyone here. Now let everyone here be your support. You are incredibly strong and supportive, and much loved from all these postings.

There's much here that I agree with whole-heartedly--and not much I feel I can add of substance that hasn't already been said. Except for one thing:

I strongly believe in woman's intuition (no, my wife is not looking over my shoulder). In that regard, when you signed up for the doctorate classes, you were relying on your instinct and intuition. Your intuition is saying this to you (PLEASE LISTEN TO IT): "You will be on this good Earth for a long time. Long enough to reach your goals, and to put them into good use."

You, like Lance Armstrong, will inspire many with your perseverence and your honesty in dealing with this.

Stay strong for all those you're going to help in the future.

Jimmy

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