Jan 04, 2005 - 10:47 pm
Okay, need some positive reinforcement. If I am honest, I am pretty devastated. But, I'm trying not to let it in. Okay, I'll start with the good news, pelvis, liver, abdomen, and bones are all clean. Unfortunately, they still see nodules in my lungs. Some have grown since the last CT in August, which I guess is to be expected since I only did 4 rounds of chemo. I mean, I know the news could have been worse... I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm just so sad. I have been trying so very hard for the past two years. I was actually diagnosed on January 15th 2003. I have done everything I can, but the cancer just keeps on growing. I can't take it. Why can't it just leave me alone? I know I should be grateful for what I have and I really am. I am so glad to be here dealing with this than over in Asia struggling to survive. I just really, really wanted a remission. The radiologists see ten more lesions... Can you imagine? After all that, more tumors. I just don't understand. I'm so very, very demoralized. And scared. I'm very scared. The fear is kind of new. Haven't felt this way in awhile. And sad. I'm in the process of applying to graduate school. Yesterday, I applied for a seven year program. Can you imagine? I'm applying for PhD programs while tumors are springing up in my lungs. Who am I trying to kid? I just feel so heavy right now - I understand the meaning of heavy hearted. Also, despite the lesions, the doctor wants to postpone treatment because my poor little body is just tired of chemo. He wants me to rest for a few months. I'm sorry to be such a downer. I mean the news could have been so much worse right? I wish I could have relayed better news, though. Thank you for letting me vent. Trying to stay upbeat for friends and family cause I don't want to scare them. I really needed a place to be honest.
Sad for the moment, but tomorrow will be a better day,