Nov 15, 2004 - 6:21 am
If this appears like a rant, there is a very good reason for that. I need to get it off my chest but more importantly, I need to know am I insane or are my girlfriend's doctors insane?
I have been with my girlfriend for since 2000 and from my side it is not a good relationship. By 2002 I simply had enough, and told her I was leaving her. I had just bankrupted my company, and felt it was time to look after ME for a change and go travelling for 6 months.
That's when she told me she had Leukaemia, and only 6 months to live. She had combined ALL/AML, and has received only biological treatment over the last 3 years. She has basically being dying within 6 months for the last 3 years, and the problem is that she's incredibly inconsiderate to me.
If I have a problem, she only pays attention to what I say if I shout at her. I'm serious I actually have to scream at the top of my lungs for her to take anything I say seriously. I screamed 15 times at the weekend that I hated clutter. I've been telling her this normally for 3 years, but she finally made an effort and threw out 40kg of paper piled high all around the bedroom. Of course she also tells me that a man who shouts at a sick woman is a real bastard.
Why don't I leave? I'd love to leave her but I'm not cruel enough to do so. She loves me (unfortunately) beyond any levels of reason. Of course since I won't or can't leave her, she feels no obligation to anything, anything at all to make me happy.
But the crunch is that her doctors wrote to me, and told me that if I want to make her die faster I should continue being aggressive with her, and that her selfishness is completely normal in someone who is very sick, and in fact they think is being relatively unselfish by various standards.
I am furious with this. She should be helping understand her selfishness, and overcome it, not encouraging her in it, and lying to me, and tweaking my guilt strings. Remember I've stayed with a woman I don't want to be with 4 years now. I try hard to make her happy, but she tries nothing to make me happy.
So my fundamental question is "Are her doctors lying?" I expect a dying person to want to be remembered well by those she loves, rather than as a selfish, self centred bitch. I expect her to be grateful to me for all my sacrifices, rather than always demanding more. She goes to work every day, and performs well, she is not incapable.
So what's the deal, is her behaviour normal and I'm misjudging her doctors, or are they so fixated on her needs like she is that they are willing to lie to me?
I will post more details about her selfishness, but I didn't want to make this post too long or too much of a rant.