Aug 22, 2004 - 4:32 pm
HI, I am new to this discussion board,and I had some thoughts maybe some of you could identify with, cause if anybody could it is the people on this page. Just for your info this might end up being a long message, see I got on the comp to work on a speech piece, but got sidetracked. Anyways, I was diagnosed with ALL in 1989, I was 2. Anyway, my 17th birthday is tommorow and it is one of the two days a year that I tend to look at my life in a different way. The other day is the day I get my blood checked. Sorry, it is taking me a while to get to the point, I tend to be a rather long winded person. See, In some ways I don't think I fit in with people a lot, I mean socially I do, but I don't know anyone who really understands what I think about things. In some ways I don't even fit in here. That was confusing, let me clarify. I was 2 when I went through chemo. Does anyone know at what age a child is supposed to be able to form coherent memories? I really would like to know the answer to this if anyone knows. My earliest memories are of the hospital, things like being hooked to IV's or having a catheter, and then later of having my mother clean my catheter or give me my medications. I never really understood any of it. I don't remember precisely when my mom explained to me why I had to get the blood tests, but even then I still didn't understand. Once again sorry this is so long. Being too young when it happened, I guess no one ever thought they needed to take the time to explain things to me, cause I was there. However, I did need a lot of explaining, I still need some. Anyway, last year at the end of my Junior year of high school we were doing a project for my AP History class, and we all drew a year from a cup. I got 1989. After that somehow I got the courage to actually ask questions, the night before I was going to get my blood checked, I told her something she never really knew, and that was that I am always scared it will come back, and I feel, and this may sound strange, but I feel in a way like I have amnesia or alzheimer's or something, because I don't know anything about something that was so important that happened to me. I guess my point is that reading you people's stories and conversations makes me feel connected to a part of my life that was important, but that I don't really remember. I know you must be thinking I got off easy, because I don't remember the pain I went through during treatments, but in some ways I think the remnants of memories I have are just as bad. I hate needles, and ever time I get blood drawn or even have my finger pricked I get so freaked out, and my mother always says, " but you've been through so much worse than this" I always say, "yeah, but I don't remember it". I guess my purpose in writing this is to try and find someone who understands, or even someone who just wants to talk. I really wish I knew more, but I will close with one last thought, if someone asked you something like what treatments did you go through or some other detail, could you answer them? I can't, and I'm too afraid to ask questions, for fear I will upset someone. Sorry agian that this was so long.