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any advice?

tamir
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2004

i am so glad that this is here for care givers. my mom ended up in the hospital again and we almost lost her once more. she was too sick to eat or drink and had 10 i.v. fluids within 12 days. she also has congestive heart failure so too many fluids can (and were) dangerous. the drs. said that she had so much fluid that her brain was floating. she was very dilllusional and could barely breathe. she was getting cancer treatments 3 days a week every 3 weeks. now the dr. has changed her treatment to once a week for whoever knows how long. the positive side of this is she can breathe better now and is more alert so we know the treatments are working. now if only my dad and i can quit worrying so much and start sleeping and doing more self care. i feel very guilty if i do anything for myself. is that a normal feeling? any ideas on how to relax in order to feel less anxious and be able to sleep would help both my dad and i.i can seem to calm down enough to sleep so i am tired and grumpy, yuck! thanks for your input.

layne34
Posts: 17
Joined: May 2004

I am happy for you that your mom is feeling a bit better. It is normal to feel guilty about taking care of yourself, but it is not healthy. How are you and your dad supposed to take care of your mom if you are not well? As I do things that are not directly related to caring for my husband, I have to remind myself that in the long run it is for him. He and your mom still care for and love us. My husband has said his biggest concern isn't himself, but me. It would hurt them to think about us not being well. They, too, can begin feeling guilty about our state. The first thing I did for me was contact a doctor. I got anti-anxiety meds to help me sleep. We NEED sleep! We can't think right or act anywhere near sane without it. The other thing I have been learning to do, for both of us, is asking for and accepting help. Share what needs to be done between each other, taking turns and let others help. Call upon your social support system to get you out doing noncancer things, dinner and a movie. My husband told friends and family to do this. I also believe in therapy, even without cancer. I think everyone could use time every week or every other week to talk to someone, who has no relation to our lives about all of our feelings, even the ones we feel uncomfortable admitting even to ourselves. Therapy can be a sounding board to sort out what you can do, how to do it and how to let go of what we can't control.

Hope this helps,
Peace, love, happiness and health,
Layne

PS peanut M&Ms and red licorice also help me!

Holdmyhand
Posts: 4
Joined: Jul 2004

I'm glad your mother is more comfortable now. You also need to feel comfortable. It's easy and natural to feel guilt when someone you love is suffering and you take time to relax or find a little pleasure. There are two very good reasons, though, to look after yourself. Mothers feel guilty if their families are depriving themselves on their account. It should help her a little to know you are taking care of yourself. She'll worry too much about you if you don't and that isn't good for her. The other reason to take care of yourself is that the stronger you are the more you can do for her. Your mood stays a little lighter and you can be more upbeat for her. You may go out and cry later but while you're with her you'll have the strength to cope. Remember, mothers see everything. It's a genetic thing that kicks in the minute we get pregnant. You can't fool us. You may put on a good act and we may not say anything but you're out baby and we can always tell when you're feeling down. Let her know that even though you are giving her a lot of time and energy you are still living your life and recharging your batteries. Then she won't be worrying about you.

bsrules
Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello!! I have read your post. I'm really glad that your mom is feeling better!!! I agree with the reply totally!!! You and your dad must take care of yourself. As they said, my husband who is sick feels guilty as she see's me doing the things that he used to do. So I try to take care of things with him helping even though it is ever so slite. When I get moody I go outside and beat on something. Taking it out on my weeds or down trees seems to help me vent to the point that I get myself tired and that helps me sleep. I know that that might not be right but that is all I have. We have alot of property to take care of and I am trying to prove to him that I care keep the place. He want me to sell and move away but I tell him that this is our home and we are not going to loose it. So I am doing my best to include him in the chores even of he supervisies. Please take care of yourself!!!! Your will not help anyone if something happens to you!!! Best Wishes!!!! You are in my prayers!!! Sue

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