May 20, 2004 - 8:14 pm
Hi, I just lost my mother in March 2004. I was her primary care giver also the one child who remained with her at home throughout her life. My Mom had lung cancer and even though we never got to take the brain CAT scan we believe it moved to the brain. MY story is this. The last month she lived I was sitting up all night for several nights in a row and then going to work at my job for 8 hours. MY brother and sister in law stayed with Mom while I worked and when I came home they would leave and I was her care giver. The last month she lived was very hectic, she was hospitalized 2 times in March for a kidney infection. Mom began the last month having panic attacks of some sort, scared of everything and everybody, crying and screaming uncontrolably, she didn't sleep for days at a time, she couldn't keep her train of thought, she moaned and groaned 24/7, every waking moment, but when asked if she was in pain, she said NO. Me being so fatigued, stressed out, would complain or yell at her about the moaning and groaning. It was starting to drive me crazy. I should have been more understanding and patient with her. I hate myself now every time I think of me yelling at her. I pray my mother knew it was the exhaustion and not me when I did this. I WILL NEVER KNOW if she realized this. Now I am living with this guilt because I feel I was mean to her when she needed me the most.