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Thanks to everyone

grandma047's picture
grandma047
Posts: 381
Joined: Feb 2004

Thanks everyone for wishing me a happy 50th. It was great, as I said earlier. But...you always have to have one bad apple. Let me explain how this person is, first of all. She's my sister in law, married to my husband's brother. She makes jokes about metally impaired people and tells these to me, since I have bipolar disorder also. She also tells me jokes about people having "pooping" problems. I have found these in very poor taste and have tried to ignore her as much as possible. She is also one of these people that is "me,me,me" all the time. In other words, her problems are always the worse and it's poor me all the time. Well, anyway, she wrote me and email when I sent out an email saying what a great birthday I had and wanted to know why she wasn't invited. It was a surprise party that my daughter had for me and I didn't do the inviting. My daughter sent her an email,as did I, and explained that it was for the people that she knew I would have the most fun with, and the people I had kept in contact with. I also told her that she had not even contacted me in any way to see how I was doing since starting treatment. I kinda went off on her, to be honest. Then she sends this sick email to my daughter that she is going to commit suicide. I can not believe this. She said she spent all that night in ER, which we know is a lie because she was on the internet and we checked the status of our emails and she had not even read them until the next morning. What do you do in a case like this, completely ignore her or should I write and apologize for all I said in the last email(I actually meant it all) What do you wonderful guys suggest? I know this is not actually cancer related, but in a way it is. I am so mad at this cancer that I don't have time to baby a 45 year old woman who actually has no problems, except maybe emotional. I actually told her one day when she was doing her normal whining that I would be glad to trade places with her. Again, what do you guys think I should do??? Sorry this is so long. Just had to vent. Thanks guys for listening.
Judy H(grandma047)

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

Leave her behind, Grandma - She's got her own issues she needs to deal with and will just keep trying to bring those around her down until she grows up and faces her own dragons.

You did the right thing by being honest with her - I certainly wouldn't let yourself be brought down by her "threat" - it's all about one-upsmanship and controlling your emotions. Don't give her the satisfaction. You know if more people had been honest with her before now, she might have already taken a long hard look in the mirror and changed her ways. Hopefully you doing this has started her on the path.

- ("Dr.") SpongeBob

Sheepy's picture
Sheepy
Posts: 48
Joined: Nov 2003

Bob's right - YOU know what matters in life, clearly she doesn't. The last thing you need is someone dragging you down - and she's not even a close relative.

How does your husband feel about it? If he really wants to keep this contact, surely he shouldn't leave it up to you (he may not be, of course).

If this will harm the relationship between your husband and his brother, it's still worth trying - but it's up to your husband, not you.

If you want to try to patch things up, have a look through your email again, and maybe there'll be one or two things you said you can compromise on by apologising. But DO NOT apologise for anything that matters to you.

I had all this with my ex-wife and son, before I found I had cancer - threatening suicide etc. I worried myself sick (possibly even literally) - but once they found I had cancer their guilt changed them entirely. My son is much closer now, and at least my ex is being polite (though I still wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her).

You sound strong - and you are right.

bill1109
Posts: 6
Joined: Mar 2004

Grandma047:

It is best to ignore and go on with your life. I too have a sister-in-law who is a little weird. I have learned to just take care of my self, keep in contact with my brother and his kids, and just realize it is this person who has the problem.

By the way, happy 50th.

Bill

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2084
Joined: Dec 2001

Hi grandma,

You absolutely do NOT have to babysit a grown woman's emotions at a time like this. We need all our positive energies to focus on healing when we are in the cancer mode. If you were outright mean to her and feel convicted of your behavior then by all means apologize. But you do NOT have to apologize for your feelings of how she has treated you!

Let me share my little post dx story with my in-laws:

After my cancer surgery and recovery neither my mother-in-law nor father-in-law contacted me by phone or card to wish me well or see how I was doing. No flowers in the hospital, no card, no call. NOTHING. Notta. Zip. One set of bro/sis-in laws sent flowers in the hosptial and one set sent some when I got home. The othervpair did nothing. Then all was quiet. They sent their flowers but there was never a follow-up call to see how I was or how their brother was dealing with this. Nothing. Notta. Zip.

SO.....before Thanksgiving (we host that holiday with in-laws) I told my hubby that I was celebrating Thanksgiving with people who loved me and did not ignore me. I invited friends instead.

And then I wrote letters....letters from my heart stating how hurt I had been by their treatment of me not to mention their lack of concern for their brother/son. I told them that I needed to be with people who loved me and therefore I was cutting off my contact with them in order to heal. They had hurt me one too many times. Basically this was the last straw. I sent one to MIL, FIL and one sister-in-law who hadn't spoken to me for a couple years for what reason I had no clue! I tell you, sending those letters was very freeing for me cuz I was able to share my feelings I had pent up for 18 yrs. But enough was enough.

My own sister has never said word one acknowledging my cancer... not once. Nothing. Notta. Zip. but that's another story.

So I have been able to forgive them all now after telling them how I felt. It released me. i released them. their loss in my opinion.

One sister-in-law married to my husband's brother (who is as sweet as can be) called after she had read the MIL letter (that was brought to the Thanksgiving dinner to be passed around and discussed no doubt). she apologized profusely that they had not done anything and felt really bad.

Well, sorry this got long. But just know it is never wrong to share how you feel when fighting for your life. And if she is toxic who needs her around? Maybe she''ll get the message.

I'll bet there are many on here who have had to walk away from toxic relationships post cancer dx. I know I have.

I am so glad you had a great birthday. Here's to many more!! CHEERS!

peace, emily who is not afraid to stand up and speak her mind anymore

StacyGleaso's picture
StacyGleaso
Posts: 1246
Joined: Mar 2003

Hey Jude (do I hear Paul McCartney?),

Hafta agree with the boys here. Don't put the energy into trying to turn around a person who apparently is clueless. It's just a waste of energy, and you need to keep all of yours now.

I wouldn't even bring up the party, as you don't want to salt any wounds. Just try to tolerate her as best as you can, hopefully she doesn't live so close to you as you'll be running into her often. People are funny...people can be morons...and it's those encounters that make us grateful that we're more like "us" and less like "them."

Be strong little trooper, and that tension will soon pass...

Stacy

aspaysia's picture
aspaysia
Posts: 257
Joined: Nov 2003

Your sister-in-law is a drama queen who craves attention and will do anything to get it. If you ignore her she will find an audience elsewhere. You are just a bit player in her movie and she doesn't care if you are in it. You are expendable. So let someone else take over your role and do not make her problems your problem.
Whenever my family members start complaining about something in my presence they stop themselves and look sheepish. In their eyes cancer trumps everything. Period. Since I have been doing better they are whining a little more which is fine by me. Things are getting back to normal--or what passes for normal around here.
It may be a little awkward but your husband probably does not want much contact with his sister either. When you are forced to be in her presence just treat her like she is perfectly sane and polite. Then you will not be on the defensive. And do not appologize for ANYTHING! EVER!
Aspaysia, who would slip sissy a mickey and enjoy the peace and quiet.

pattieb
Posts: 176
Joined: Mar 2003

Dear Judy
we all have had those kind of problems aND i AGREE WITH WHAT EVERY ONE HERE HAS SAID AND i DO AGREE ON THE WAY YOU HANDLED IT(sorry for the caps hit the button by mistake)I have learned to ignor how people who are friends and family all together. You don't need that kind of stress right now you have enough on your plate.
Heres a big (HUG))))))))))) from all of us.
Pattie

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