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14yrs.old no mom & my family doesnt talk

OpenWindow
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi,
Im 14 yrs.old and i lost my mom to breast cancer when i was 4. my family ( my dad, brothers and sister ) doesnt talk about her and if they do its no more than a sentence. Im a very independent person and i guess thats how i have to be with one parent and siblings that are out of the house . but im writing this because i dont know why but lately ive been feeling so alone. im getting sick of being independant and i just want my mom i just want my shoulder to cry on or someone to tell my troubles to. my dads a workaholic and hes not very good at the whole dad thing. for my age i know its not easy for people to take me seriously but im reading the things written by people who have lost lovved ones to the same thing and i was just hoping some one could relate. i feel like ive run out of options i have no grandparents , they all died when i was 12. Ive missed my mom, she was the most beautiful person in the whole world, she was a tall gorgoeus model turned doctor, with the biggest smile, she loved to paint and travel the world. Im not a religious person at all and if there is a god hes been too busy for me for most of my life ( not trying to sound melodramatic ) im just worried because i dont like not knowing where my mom is. im tired of being confused and this seems like a good place to vent.

StacyGleaso's picture
StacyGleaso
Posts: 1246
Joined: Mar 2003

Openwindow,

First of all, you write very well, and present yourself as much older than 14. I'm sure it's because you've been forced to grow up sooner than most your age.

Adults are funny people. They often expect a lot from the people around them, and sometimes forget that kids are kids, they are not small adults. They have feelings, questions and emotions that sometimes can make them feel like nobody is listening. As president of your mom's fan club, you need to try to remember the good times you were able to share with her. Did you ever think of maybe trying to find a support group near where you live where kids can talk to each other about these things? You are not alone, and I am certain that other kids would learn from you, as you would learn from them.

Missing your mom is natural and healthy. Afterall, she was the one person you could always turn to, as are most moms. But, luckily, she has left behind a very wise person (YOU!) to carry-on on her behalf. She taught you the basics of life (manners, talking, walking, etc) and nobody can take that away from you. I think your dad may be working so much in order to provide for you kids, as well as keep the emotions from getting too overwhelming. You can always come here to talk. As a mom of 3 kids myself, I can speak for your mom when I say that she would be very proud of your bravery and independence. Please don't ever lose that.

We are all here to listen,

Stacy

gonzoplv's picture
gonzoplv
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

openwindow,
I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with Stacy. Adults are funny, and sometimes they think that 14-year olds are all grown up, when in fact they need more tender loving care than ever! Did you ever see the movies "Save the Last Dance" or "Lucky Seven"?

I am a mom with 2 teenage girls, ages 15 and 17. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I am going through treatment, and it's hard for them. I cannot imagine how it is for you, but I know a 14-year old almost needs her mom more than an 8-year old might, in certain ways. I agree with the suggestions from Stacy, she sounds very compassionate. Find a social worker (try school or your local hospital cancer center) who could put you in touch with a small support group or peer group, I think you will find that it will help. Also - do you go to church? Is there a church near you that you would feel comfortable going to? I wish I could help more. Keep your chin up, I will be thinking of you.

-Laurie in CT

shmurciakova's picture
shmurciakova
Posts: 910
Joined: Dec 2002

HI, my name is Susan, I am 33 and do not have any kids but maybe I can give you a little advise nonetheless. Have you tried talking to your father? I know it can sometimes be difficult to discuss the more emotional things w/ a dad(man), but maybe the reason he works so much is to try to forget the painful memories associated w/ remembering your mom. At least that might be why he started doing it anyway. If you sit down w/ him and bring up the subject it might be really good for your relationship w/ him too. Tell him that you miss your mom. Ask him if he misses her and if he thinks about her, etc. etc. The other folks gave good advise too but no one mentioned trying to bridge that gap between yourself and your father. Make sure to tell him that you love him and you need him! Give it a shot anyway. It might mean the world to him.
Good luck and keep your chin up!
-Susan

ceezhar's picture
ceezhar
Posts: 12
Joined: Jan 2004

openwindow--You are very fortunate. You remember your mom's smile, her painting, her likes and choices in life. Keep them fresh by thinking of them often and talking to people like us as much as possible. The reason I say that you are fortunate, is that at the age of 80, my mom realized a heartbreaking thing--she had no memories of a mother. She knew the time was coming when she would lay on her death bed, and the one thing that she wanted was to picture her mother as peaceful and beautiful. But her mother died when she was just a couple of months old, so she had no face on her, no laugh, no soft touch, no expression of any kind.
You have come this far, keep going, and one day you can tell your children about that beautiful, talented mother you were so lucky to have--their grandmother--and she will live on in yours and your childrens hearts forever.
If another mother would help you, I'd adopt you--I adopted my son--but I still would not be that smile, that love, that Spirit your mother was. And if you feel what you've expressed, you know where your mom is...watching over you...right beside God...where you can be too if you believe; and I think deep down you do.
When families are like yours, you have to do as you are doing, reach out and make yourself a family.
My prayers are with you, Sweetie!
ceezhar@prodigy.net

rob6
Posts: 17
Joined: May 2003

openwindow,
My heart goes out to you sweetie!!!! Do you have an Aunt or older cousin you can talk to?? it is great that you have such good memories of your Mom seeing she passed when you were so young. maybe it would be a good idea to try to talk to your Dad about how you feel, and if you can't get him to sit down to talk maybe you could write down your feelings in letter form and give it to your dad to read just to get the ball rolling. I am 45 and miss my mom dearly and she is still alive but has dementcha so she can no longer carry on a conversation. This disease really stinks and effects peoples lives very differently.
you could always call the 800 phone number here and maybe they can point you in the right direction. Don't hold you feelings inside you!!
sending you a big bear hug

refereemo
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi,my name is Meshell.I will talk to you if you need someone.I can't imagine how it must be not to have someone to talk to,especialy family.
I've had ancer since Dec. 1999.And I know it's
important to have someone to talk to about things
Hang in there my A.C.S.network name is refereemo
It's often hard for family to discuss something
so painfull.My family had a hard time dealing with
my uncle's death then I found out I had cancer to. Talking with & having support is very important. Let me know if I can help.We can chat
in the chat room if you would like.
Have a Blessed Day
Meshell{refereemo}

refereemo
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2004

Hi,my name is Meshell.I will talk to you if you need someone.I can't imagine how it must be not to have someone to talk to,especialy family.
I've had ancer since Dec. 1999.And I know it's
important to have someone to talk to about things
Hang in there my A.C.S.network name is refereemo
It's often hard for family to discuss something
so painfull.My family had a hard time dealing with
my uncle's death then I found out I had cancer to. Talking with & having support is very important. Let me know if I can help.We can chat
in the chat room if you would like.
Have a Blessed Day
Meshell{refereemo}

luther
Posts: 5
Joined: Apr 2004

I, too, am 14. I help my grandfather stay in touch with his friends on this site. My mother is also sick, but not with cancer. Last year she was airlifted out and put in ICU. They told my father to start making arrangements for funerals ect. I feel angry and alone too because If feel like our family is abnormal. Then I remember all families are. Youur family is hurting too. That hurt will never go away. Just remember to always be there for your family. I can't imagine loosing my mom. And I hurt too. I don't know if this will help you much but, we can always talk. My e-mail is prissygurl10@aol.com

luther
Posts: 5
Joined: Apr 2004

I have also had to grow up fast. Pressures in school, with my friends and parents. I thought I had it so rough when I was younger, now I look back and see that things weren't so bad. If i've learned one thing in my life, I've learned that things have to work out. Maybe not how we expect them to, but they will. Again e-mail me any time.

Meg

jaet
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2004

Hey, You were 4 when your Mom died? Don't expect so much of yourself. I have a friend who's Dad died when she was 4. Now she is 16. She feels very angry and upset that she can't remember her Dad the way she thinks she should. You have to cut yourself some slack, too. That means that it is ok to grieve for your Mom now; you understand the loss now and what it meant to you then--now. Right? Don't separate yourself from her; hang up family pictures in your room. She is still a part of who you are as well as your Dad. You were so young--people often try and distract or protect the younger children from the illness; the sadness. It is SO scary. For your older siblings, it was tough for them then. They were helping out, keeping you busy maybe; or trying to be as far away from home as they could get! They are able to move on a bit because they have moved through it. Your Mom is still in your heart and in your mind every day--theirs too. You won't lose her by putting yourself first now. She wanted for you a long, healthy, happy life. Take from the good that others tell you about your Mom and apply it in your own life. Maybe you have a hidden talent she gave to you and you don't know it yet--pick up a paint brush and use it to tell how you feel. Your Mom will speak to you there. Heck, look in the mirror--is that her smile on your face? Your Mom will speak to you there. Learn from her love, her strength and her spirit. It is in you. Sometimes, Parents forget that there may still be a need to be filled in their kids lives. 14, 16, 5 or 7. All of these ages kids are striving to define themselves and yet stay close. The "Who am I" years! You may need to remind him that you still live there and a sit down may be in order. A hug wouldn't hurt, either. Your siblings are not out of the woods on this either. Yes, they may have their own lives to live now but you are likely where they were then. Seeing your confusion about your life is not fresh to them. It re-opens all their pain and anger, too. Try and focus some of your energy on positive images. The family pictures (In the closet?) and maybe a favorite trinket or blanket she used to have for you. Keep them close and look at them often. You are not alone, ever. And will you ever feel better? Yes, you will. But you will feel your loss now and again. That is ok. It is the love you have for your Mom that makes it hurt so much. That is not a bad thing. If you can, go to a place your Mom loved to be. Be goofy, talk, cry, yell. Be yourself. Don't hide what you feel with any thing. Truth, this is going to be one of the hardest times in your life for you; you will continue to feel better and more secure as time moves along and your life experiences help to smooth over your hurt. Don't give it all up--try some of the things I've suggested. You'll be suprised who you might find. xo Jaet

angel88
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2006

i am 17 yrs old and i lost my dad feb 11 2005 to cancer and if you would like to talk just e-mail me at vanessagill141@yahoo.com

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