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never ending fear

vix
Posts: 16
Joined: Feb 2004

vix

My fear is so deep I can hardly breathe. It doesn't even register as the emotion of fear it is so deep. Will it stop? I feel as if I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did my surgery and have gone on with my life; I work and I play but I always feel as if something is "not quite right." I got tremendous praise for my bravery and I have tremendous support from my family and many friends. I just feel so alone all the time. As if I am in my own little world. A surreal world that threw cancer my way, so I immediately did what I was told to do, and just like that it's over. Just that fast, it seems. I imagine that is what is bothering me to some extent. What happened??? Did I really have cancer and, more importantly, is it really gone? The solitude is what bothers me; after 6 months people are done talking about it. You seem fine, so, in their minds, it's all over. I guess I might be the same way if I weren't the one who had cancer! I guess we can never again let our guard down, eh? I have seen my Mom survive 3 seperate cancers; she is my hero. She is 80; I am 48. I just wondered if anyone else felt even remotely the same way that I do. Thanks for listening.

BKCalzada
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

I think we will always have that fear. I'm 39 and I had a radical hestorectomy last year, Feb. 21, plus chemo & radiation. I'm a little scared every time I go back for my follow-ups. I'm just happy that my Doctors are keeping such close tabs on me. My next check up is March 30th and I'm a nervous wreck, but I will keep my head up & be assured that everything will be ok. The hard part IS over, or so I keep telling myself. The fear is always there, though.
You are right though, everyone continues on like nothing ever happened. Everyone except my Mom, and she still worries about me over doing things. I hope we can someday live without the fear of cancer coming back. Hopefully someday soon!
God Bless You and Hope For Peace of Mind.

jplemmons
Posts: 6
Joined: Sep 2003

Vix,

Wow...It's like you know exactly how I feel :)

My husband was talking to a friend one night and he told her that I was doing great...like I'd never had cancer at all. It really upset me. I feel like everyone else has gone on with their lives and I'm still caught in this cancer web. I know that my first pap came back okay, but what about the next one? Or the next? Everything went so fast...diagnosed on July 31st and cured(?) by Oct? Can that be real?

Anyway...you are not alone with your fears. I'm living them too.
Jen

MrsSantolla
Posts: 20
Joined: May 2003

Hi, I can relate as well. It has been a little over 2 years for myself, chemo-radiation. But like you said, the fear is always there. I know exactly how you feel when it seems others think its over, your fine.. I have said the same things to myself. Like tonight, I came on the website, just to read and talk to ones that understand. I have had some spotting this week. The nurse calmed me down on the phone, she feels it is mainly due to the hormones I'm taking. But I wont feel at peace till I goto the doctor next week... I talked to a friend today who told me to go with my gut. God has given women that instinct, to know if your a over reacting or if it is serious. I then realized I had to listen to it.. my gut tells me everything is fine, but it is just so scary. Brings back up all those bad memories.. Talking to someone, people just does wonders. Just keep talking to those that understand. And remember to "go with your gut".
Take care and God bless.

2003April2008's picture
2003April2008
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2004

I know what's it's like in your shoes. I was diagnosed last year with cervical cancer a few days after my 30th birthday. I had a radical hysterectomy April 16th and was fortunate not to have to undergo chemo or radiation treatment. Cancer is a lonely road even when you have a lot of support from your family and friends. I have to go every three months for a check-up and every time I pray that the results come back positive. I pray that my doctor doesn't find any more cancer. I have a positive attitude about everything being all right, but there is always going to be that intense fear that the cancer will come back. After my surgery, people continued on like I never had cancer, while I live every day with the thought of it. Not one day goes by that I don't think about it in some way. You are not alone in your fears..... there are lots of us out here to help you through!

aussie
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2004

I'm new to this web site and board, but I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I thought I was abnormal because of all the fear I was feeling. I was to have a radical hysterectomy this past August. I refer to this surgery as my un-surgery. The hysterecomy could not be completed because the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes. After the un-surgery I went through Chemo and radiation therapy. In October I was told that the cancer was gone. I have two doctors and I'm checked by one of them every month. To add to my fear, my two doctors are at odds with each other about this cancer. One says that because it spread to my lynph nodes there is no question as to if it will come back, but more like it will come back for sure and nothing can be done to get rid of it when it does retun. They can only slow it down to prolong my life. Now, my other doctor states that: "It doesn't have to come back, because we did everything right in our procedure to get rid of it." Needless to say that dosen't make me feel very warm and fuzzy. My family says, that I have to have a positive attitude, the cancer is gone and I have to believe that it won't come back. They tell me that I'm looking for trouble where there is none. I don't think anyone knows how we feel because unless they've been down the dark tunnel called cancer. Someone actually told me, you're 59 years old, we all have to die from something. On the lighter side, I'm back at my job, working non-stop and rejoicing in the birth of my first grandchild. When I get down and scared I think about that beautiful little granddaughter and feel so much better.

nkern's picture
nkern
Posts: 37
Joined: Apr 2003

You know, I just love this website! Where else would I find people who are going through the same things that I have gone through. Last May I had a radical hysterectomy with lymphandectomy (31 nodes) all were clear except for one. No follow treatment was recommended. My boyfriend and I had a conversation about 3 weeks after surgery about how it was so weird to not have appointments or something going on. Life had been so hectic and scary before. I told him it was kind of like having the hiccups. When they are first gone you just kind of wait for them to come back. But the fear is still there. I have had a 6 month and 9 month check up. I am awaiting my pap results right now. I am pretty proud to say that I don't think about it every day, but probably every other day. Maybe it will get easier each year. Hang in there, stay positive and God Bless.

jhopkins
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2006

I just turned 47. I had surgery in Sept 03, chemo and radiation for a recurrence in 2005. I finished with everything in May 05. EVERY single day, I have a thought of this monster invading my body again. I am a Christian and I used to think I could pray my way through it all. I still do, most days, but there are days when I feel like I am so ungrateful for the blessings I've been given so far by dwelling on what "might happen". The family seems to have moved on, but I live it -second by second. Thanks for expressing how I feel so very explicitly.

showmegal
Posts: 10
Joined: Oct 2006

I totally understand how you feel. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer just 3 weeks ago and I'm terrified of the very uncertain future. Life is going on around me like usual and I find that I'm not feeling or acting normal at all....I want to scream at everyone"Hey, I have cancer!!!....how can you just go about your daily business?! I sure can't seem to!" The waiting for tests to come back has been almost unbearable....some days I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind. And i've gone through the "why me's" and the "what if's". I wonder how I am coming unraveled while everyone else seems the same as they always were. And, if I hear one more person tell me to keep my chin up, I know I'll explode!!!
I pray I survive this-----and I pray that the quality of my life afterwards makes surviving worth it.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that there's others out there, too, who are dealing with the terrible fear.
Take care. Pat

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