Feb 04, 2004 - 6:11 pm
Sandra asked how we live with the fact that our cancer can rear its ugly little head again anytime it wants. In my case that is a distinct possibility as I have already had a recurrence. Some like to use the Las Vegas theory of playing the odds. If you are on the right side of the equation survival time increases. Others invoke religion believing that God will give them strength to bear anything life tosses their way.
I was told a. there is no cure for cancer and b. that I will never be normal again. Well, duh! Life is incurable--only livable. I never was normal and I feel the same as I always did. Yup, same ole me in spite of all the surgery and all the treatments that were almost worse than the disease they were meant to cure.
At my lowest ebb the family was keeping a vigil expecting the Grim Reaper to join the party at any moment. Asked if I wanted a priest, I thought of Voltaire on his deathbed. He refused to renounce Satan.'Now is not the time to be making new enemies.' No foxhole conversion for me either. I don't want to sound like a godless heathen but the priest never came to say the words and I am still here. For now.
Whatever helps one cope with a wicked curve like cancer and the threat of a return engagement is to be employed. God. Chocolate. Medical science. I like to keep my own counsel on these matters and worry more about my loved ones and what they are going through. I would give anything to spare them the agony of watching over me as I endure my fate. I know how crazed it makes me to see any one of them suffer. Actually, they are being pretty darn brave about the whole thing.
'Where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on,