How can you support wife after breat cancer

conedc · February 2004

My wife has been clear of breast cancer for two years now and she will be on tamoxifin for 3 more. Lately she has become very not herself. Drastic moods swing, erational behavior, and our relationship has grown farther and farther apart because of her emotional being. I want to support her and I am not sure were to start for her and myself. She recently saw a pyscholgist. Who went thought somethings with her. she is not motivated continue to seek more or further help at this time. Any help would be great. I Love her very much. After all we have been through I am just running short on ideas and were to seek help.

AngelBaby · February 2004

I understand how you feel. I'm 3 mos. out of chemo so your wife has me at an advantage. But I would think that we all feel about the same. Lost, confused and mostly in shock. My husband has helped me by just listening to me without trying to fix everything. He reminds me of how much he loves me and encourages me for what he feels is bravery. I see him when he thinks I'm not looking and I see the hurt that he feels. So sometimes I try to shield him from anymore hurt. Let her know that you are there for her and that you love her. We eventually find our way back to those who love us. Best wishes, Karen

MsKaren · February 2004

Hi there Conedc. Well, I'll answer from the wife's point of view. I've been living with breast cancer for 24 years! Yeah! and I have had my ups and downs too. I think what you are dealing with is clinical depression. Your wife seems to see no future for herself, and the result is sadness, fear and anger. She may seem irrational, but probably she just needs to voice herself with someone she doesn't worry about bringing down. Find someone for her to talk to.

Also, long-range goals and dreams may be impossible for her to ponder, so if you want to give her something to look forward to, plan small short-term plans that she can hope to see. (a new little garden this spring--a trip this summer--a little bit of redecorating in the house--a class at the local college that you both can take together) She needs a little brightening of her day, and I know that's hard when you are under your own burden of worry and lack of time. But if you do these things, you will be rewarded with a happier wife. Best of all, be there to hear her vent her fears, even if you don't have solutions, at least be comforting and sympathetic.

Karen

banker · February 2004

Hi,both Karens are right, can't add much to it, be there for her, listen and talk to each other. Maybe show her this site,she might want to "talk" to people who have been thru this. My husband felt left out until we talked, I had shut the door, thought I could handle it all by myself. I always had his love and support . Looking back, I know I did the same as your wife, it took some time to realize. Be patient. Best wishes emmi

inkblot · February 2004

Hi condec:

The only thing I would add to the above suggestions is that you visit the caregivers board here. It may be very helpful.

We all go through similar things to one degree or another but it's impossible to say where your wife is emotionally, right now. It may not be so much of what she's lacking from you but what she's lacking from within herself. It does seem unusual that two years post breast cancer, she's suddenly into a slump. Just encourage her to get help. Go with her, if needed. Perhaps the previous counselor wasn't the best one for her and she just needs someone with whom she feels more at ease? Also, if she's newly into menopause or her body is just beginning to enter that phase of her life, then that may be the cause. We're all very different in how we respond to menopause too. Just food for thought.

If your wife remains resistant to counseling, then I'd advise that you go...for yourself and for her, if all else fails.

Has she mentioned these changes to her oncologist (where she probably goes for her regular check ups and the doc who monitors how she's doing on the Tamoxifen)? If not, I think it would be advisable.

Good luck and hang in there.

Love,light and laughter,
Ink

hummingbyrd · February 2004

inkblot said:
Hi condec:

The only thing I would add to the above suggestions is that you visit the caregivers board here. It may be very helpful.

We all go through similar things to one degree or another but it's impossible to say where your wife is emotionally, right now. It may not be so much of what she's lacking from you but what she's lacking from within herself. It does seem unusual that two years post breast cancer, she's suddenly into a slump. Just encourage her to get help. Go with her, if needed. Perhaps the previous counselor wasn't the best one for her and she just needs someone with whom she feels more at ease? Also, if she's newly into menopause or her body is just beginning to enter that phase of her life, then that may be the cause. We're all very different in how we respond to menopause too. Just food for thought.

If your wife remains resistant to counseling, then I'd advise that you go...for yourself and for her, if all else fails.

Has she mentioned these changes to her oncologist (where she probably goes for her regular check ups and the doc who monitors how she's doing on the Tamoxifen)? If not, I think it would be advisable.

Good luck and hang in there.

Love,light and laughter,
Ink

Get the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.
hummingbyrd

mricep · February 2004

You didn't mention how old your wife was.. It could be age related.. Menopausal mood swings maybe..

No matter what it sounds like she needs a clinical exam, blood levels taken, but the opportunity to play her feelings out..

Have you asked her if she feels different?

Just some thoughts..

Hang in there!
Mary

How can you support wife after breat cancer

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