Jan 31, 2004 - 9:19 pm
Hmmmmm.... Debating, should I thank everyone for being such sweethearts or should I share the news? I guess I'll be kind and I won't keep you guys in suspense (as cancer survivors and caregivers, I think our lives have just about enough suspense!).
And so, I marched into the office and read the reports myself and everything is looking good. My nurse apparently can't read the french! My liver is still clean as a whistle (thank God!) and the mets. in my lungs are stable! I was so unbelievably HAPPY! Yeah! I also had a productive talk with my doctor (which, as we all know, is a near miracle) and he is thinking ahead and is encouraged by the response. He reminded me that the baseline CTs to which we compared the new CTs were taken back in September and October and I only started on the new protocol in late November. So, he's thinking that maybe the lesions did grow and maybe even shrunk from the chemo.. The bottomline is that it's hard to speculate, but we do know that the cancer has been stable for 4 months. That's great news to me! We also discussed his future plans and he said he would consider pulmonary resection or ablation if the chemo cleans up most of the tumours! Finally, the doctor told me that we would look into a stem cell transplant (if my brother is a match) if the meds and surgery get me into NED and there are no visible tumors. Happy dance, happy dance! I am overjoyed! So for now, I'm just going to continue on the oxaliplatin/Xeloda regimen at a higher dose and we'll see what happens. And this brings me to the best news of all - my next CT isn't until April! I have been granted some breathing room - just got to go in for my treatments but no more anxiety!
As for my mother - well, she's relieved that everything is stable and she was happy to hear the doctor talk about future treatment (I guess cause this implies that he believes I have a future). I also told her that she can't cry around me because it's too hard to watch. I am trying really hard to be strong but her tears make it that much harder. We used to be able to cry about it together, but I tried to explain to her that I'm now past the point of crying. I need to devote all my energy to being happy, enjoying my life and getting through treatment. Hopefully she understands.
On another note, I wanted to thank all of you. Your words of encouragement and reassurance were comforting. Emily, thanks for your advice. My mother is actually a juicer fanatic (do you happen to have any long lost relatives??? He, he, just teasing) and I was never much of a meat-eater. I also wanted to say that your sister is a remarkable woman - it must run in the family. I, like most on the message board I imagine, derive much strength, hope and wonder from her story, as well as yours. Thank you for sharing. Also Stacey, I really appreciate your message. I have taken your words to heart. I FEEL fine - wonderful in fact. I actually feel and look about 200 times better than I did last year at this time (I was diagnosed on January 15th 2003). I guess the bottomline is that I'm responsible for creating and perceiving my reality so, as long as I am mobile and feeling good, I am going to live my life. Thank you all so much and I send out a million hugs and kisses to all (although, the kisses might freeze before they get down to the US...)
Lots of love and good thoughts,