Jan 27, 2004 - 1:45 pm
I hope everyone's doing well. I am freezing my fanny off in Montreal (it's -36 degrees Celcius). What were my ancestors smoking? What in the world could have pocessed them to come to Canada? Why, why! And the best part is everyone is always surprised by the cold. IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE YEAR! Yet, for some reason, every winter the cold weather is a shocker. I'll never understand.
Now, onto more serious matters, although, at this point, I think the cold may kill me before the cancer. He, he! But, seriously, my scans results are sort of in. Last week, I got a message from my primary nurse saying that there has been no change. Not exactly the news I was hoping for, however I have only done two rounds of the oxaliplatin/Xeloda and a partial response is still a response! Yesterday, I phoned her to have her read me the results. That was not so good. Most of the pulmonary malignancies are still the same size except for one, which is bigger (not good) and then she started to talk about two spots on my liver. I was like, no, no, no, there was no two hepatic lesions the last time around. There was one that we ruled out as malignant because of an MRI and PET, so there should only be one begnin spot. So what is this second spot doing there? Anyways, I'm trying not to freak because this was over the phone with the nurse so I made an appointment with my doctor for Thursday to look at the report together. But I'm pretty scared, I guess. New spots signal treatment failure and there are not that many options left after this. I don't even need the cancer to disappear, I just want them to control it so I can make it to my 22nd birthday! Is that too much to ask? And my mom is making me so sad. When she came home and I told her that there was apparently no change (which is what I'm now actually hoping for) she burst into tears asking how come the chemo didn't make them all go away. I hate seeing her cry! Then, my mother started making insane propositions, asking me if they'll do a lung transplant even though I have told her a million times that they can't do one because the malignant cells are circulating in my blood. It makes me so depressed. I just don't know what to say to her. I don't want to die either and I'm trying my absolute best to survive as long as I can, but my body is refusing to respond the way I want it to. I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best to hold it all together, but it's hard when my mother is crying.
Sad in Monreal,