Hi. This is my first time to this site. My wife found it for me. I am a 33yr old colon cancer survivor. I just celebrated my 1 yr cancer free anniversary. I had ulcerative colitis for almost 10 years and was diagnosed at my annual checkup in September 2002. I had Stage II Cancer and went through preventative chemo for 6 months because they were not sure if the Dr's got everything. I went through everything with a very positive attitude and tremendous support from my wife and family. I had surgery in Oct 2002 and was given a temp ileostomy, began chemo in Nov 2002, developed 2 clots on both lungs in Jan 2003, dev an allergic reaction to a bronchial drug in March 2003, had my drop down surgery in June 2003 and ended up back in the hospital 2 days after my release due to excessive passing of blood (I ended up blacking out at home). I am now seeing a urologist due to complications from the surgery.
I feel like my wife and I are growing apart (I am probably pushing her away because I want her to be with a healthy person). She tells me she isn't going anywhere and will always be at my side, but I feel like I cannot reciprocate those feelings. I am sadder now after I have been given the clean bill of health than I was during the entire surgeries and treatment. THere are days I just want to run away and leave everything behind and start my life over all alone where I do not know anyone. What is wrong? Is this normal? I thought these feelings would come during the entire recovery stage, not after everything was over with. Are there other men out there that are experiencing these things? Any other women out there that are dealing with some of these things? Am I going nuts? I get scared to go to a crowded bar with people smoking. The other night I left my wife at the bar with her friends and never said goodbye. I have never done anything like that before. Needless to say, we had a HUGE fight (after 2 days of not speaking to each other. I didn't think I did anything wrong.
I thought since my life was changing I should change jobs as well...big mistake. I hate it and I do not like my new boss. He is an extremely negative person.
I feel all alone and want to know if I am just overreacting. Can anyone offer advice?