Nov 11, 2003 - 10:04 pm
I'm new to this so please bear with me.
I'm 23 and a 2 year survivor of Hodgkin's. I've recently become more and more fearful of a recurrence. Intellectually it seems counterintuitive to be more scared the further out from the cancer I get, but yet this fear seems to be growing.
I guess part of it is the typical injustice of Hodgkin's and how it strikes at such a young age. The thought of being saddled with this burden for the rest of my life sometimes seems overwhelming. I think, "I'm I'm only 23 how many more CTs and many more chances for another round are there?" Couple this with all the long-term risks from treatment and an abnormal pap smear (but thankfully normal biopsy results) and I feel like I'm simply a time bomb.
I used to look at my cancer experience as a source of strength, "If I can get through that I can do anything", now it scares me just to think about it. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night panicked that it's back and I'm dying and no one knows.
I guess I'm just wondering if this is in any way "normal". If anyone's had a similar transition or if I'm just freaking out and should really talk to someone?
Any input or personal experience would be much appreciated.
Thanks so much for "listening"!