friend decided on No treatment

danette
danette Member Posts: 7
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi I am new to the list...my friend was diagnoised with inflammatory breast cancer stage 4 w/metasasis to the liver and ribs, well it would be easier to say where it is NOT in her bones which is toes and fingers...she was diagnoised on July 17th..she has had NO treatment and has decided to do none after getting her pet scan results back, I called Hospice last Friday to get her registered. While I was very surprised by her decision she is only 32 I still must support her, I am wondering what is going to happen? I hate to even bring this to the list but I am new to this and I don't know what to watch for...I just don't know how to be supportive when she has decided to go this route, I think this threw me off track I was ready for a fight. Any advice?
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Comments

  • marytres
    marytres Member Posts: 144
    Dear Danette, please tell your friend not to give up so quickly. She's too young and alot of women on this site have had bc with mets but are still here and fighting. SO please make her get treatment. No one is God and we don't know what He has in store for us. My friend's dad has lung cancer and was given 3-4 months last September, he's still with us and is stable. I'm a bc survivor too and know this can be scary but don't let her give up without trying at least. Hang in there and be the friend you are already. God bless you both. Hugs, Marie
  • newboobs
    newboobs Member Posts: 121
    Your friend is quite fortunate to have you to support her. The hospice staff will help and guide you along the way. Also, the CSN chatroom on this site will be great for you to visit -- Lots of great people here. God Bless you both!
  • jamjar62
    jamjar62 Member Posts: 135
    Hi there. I have a friend who was diagnosed Stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer at 31 which was almost 3 years ago. She decided to go the chemo and radiation route even though she had a brain met. About a month ago, her brain met returned but she had it removed and is doing well. I say all this to let your friend know that stage 4 is not automatically a death sentence. While I believe in the right to make your own decision about treatment options, I wanted her to know that there are women out there who have fought that hard battle and won. I guess she just needs to decide if the fight is worth it. Either way, I respect her bravery.

    Blessings,
    Karen
  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    Why no treatment? There are sooooo many options on how to treat this stuff. I would encourage her to at least explore options, including alternative medication (vitamins, herbs, diet...).

    How did your friend get so far along before diagnosis? Were there no symptoms?

    I think if after looking into options and she still doesn't want treatment, then support her 100%.
    You might want to go to www.mdanderson.org or cancer.gov for possible treatment plans. They don't have to include chemotherapy. There are new drugs out there called angiogenic inhibitors. They go straight to the tumor(s) and shut off the blood supply with little or no side effects. Maybe she'll want to visit our site for encouragement. I'm a 3 year stage 4 breast cancer bone met survivor, thank you Lord Jesus. Which brings me to what I personally think is the most important ? and that is your friends salvation?
    Is she saved, do you know and if not please ask. Much more emphasis on eternity than what she does here on earth. I have a website you may want to visit: www.urcctc.com
    Conquering Cancer Through Christ
    As far as what to watch for the first thing will probably be weight loss, then a jaundice look to the skin (yellow or poor color). I'd talk to hospice, they can tell you the rest.
    As far as support, just be there for her. So many people leave their friends after the diagnosis, I guess because they themselves can't handle death. If people only knew we are dead in this evil world of disease, murder and greed. It's through salvation we live. Makes it easier to let go of a sinking ship when you know there is a life line to grab.
    Lastly, help her tie up loose ends, doesn't mean she's giving up, it just helps to get things in order. She needs a living will, I'm sure she doesn't want life support or TPN (tube feeding). All this needs to be documented, who is going to make decisions regarding her medical attention if she gets to where she can't make the decision. She may also need a regular will, she might also want to start a journal, write letters to people, even make a video if she has children. To me its like going on vacation, you just gotta clean the house before you leave so not to worry about leaving the coffee pot on, ya know?
    Final loose end and that's a funeral. I know this may sound morbid, but on the advice of another cancer patient I planned mine back in Sept of 2000. She had a rare brain tumor, only 4 in USA of this type, she was one of the 2 who survived. Both of us, by the grace of God, are still revising our funeral plans. My ex always said I had to have the last word. I guess he was right! HA! I'm here to live everyday to the fullest till God calls me home. I've got 2 boys who I want to see grow up!
    Best to you and your friend, she's already blessed to have you with her. God bless you both. hummingbyrd
  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    It is so indescribably overwhelming to get a diagnosis like that. The physician who delivers the news plays a large part in how the patient perceives what the future holds. The Dr who told me said that if my CT scan or bone scan showed metastasis, there would be no surgery. I thought "that's what you think!" and proceeded to make a Plan B and a Plan C. One oncologist said that if metastasis occurred, treatment would be palliative. Again, just a simple warning that if it hits the fan big time, I need to find a new oncologist. Please try to find a way to explain to your friend that what she has is TREATABLE. She needs to at least discover all of her options before making her final decision. There are plenty of people here on the message board with Stage 4 metastatic. The Health Channel on Cablevision has two excellent documentaries about women who were initially diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic, and are still living normal lives years later. Can your friend at least read through the messages on this site for more information? In any case, Danette, your friend is very fortunate to have your help. Love, Denise
  • danette
    danette Member Posts: 7

    Why no treatment? There are sooooo many options on how to treat this stuff. I would encourage her to at least explore options, including alternative medication (vitamins, herbs, diet...).

    How did your friend get so far along before diagnosis? Were there no symptoms?

    I think if after looking into options and she still doesn't want treatment, then support her 100%.
    You might want to go to www.mdanderson.org or cancer.gov for possible treatment plans. They don't have to include chemotherapy. There are new drugs out there called angiogenic inhibitors. They go straight to the tumor(s) and shut off the blood supply with little or no side effects. Maybe she'll want to visit our site for encouragement. I'm a 3 year stage 4 breast cancer bone met survivor, thank you Lord Jesus. Which brings me to what I personally think is the most important ? and that is your friends salvation?
    Is she saved, do you know and if not please ask. Much more emphasis on eternity than what she does here on earth. I have a website you may want to visit: www.urcctc.com
    Conquering Cancer Through Christ
    As far as what to watch for the first thing will probably be weight loss, then a jaundice look to the skin (yellow or poor color). I'd talk to hospice, they can tell you the rest.
    As far as support, just be there for her. So many people leave their friends after the diagnosis, I guess because they themselves can't handle death. If people only knew we are dead in this evil world of disease, murder and greed. It's through salvation we live. Makes it easier to let go of a sinking ship when you know there is a life line to grab.
    Lastly, help her tie up loose ends, doesn't mean she's giving up, it just helps to get things in order. She needs a living will, I'm sure she doesn't want life support or TPN (tube feeding). All this needs to be documented, who is going to make decisions regarding her medical attention if she gets to where she can't make the decision. She may also need a regular will, she might also want to start a journal, write letters to people, even make a video if she has children. To me its like going on vacation, you just gotta clean the house before you leave so not to worry about leaving the coffee pot on, ya know?
    Final loose end and that's a funeral. I know this may sound morbid, but on the advice of another cancer patient I planned mine back in Sept of 2000. She had a rare brain tumor, only 4 in USA of this type, she was one of the 2 who survived. Both of us, by the grace of God, are still revising our funeral plans. My ex always said I had to have the last word. I guess he was right! HA! I'm here to live everyday to the fullest till God calls me home. I've got 2 boys who I want to see grow up!
    Best to you and your friend, she's already blessed to have you with her. God bless you both. hummingbyrd

    Let me start by saying YES she is Saved and by that I mean she has accepted Christ into her heart has asked for forgivness of her sins so this part is a blessing. Why no treatment, I wish I knew, she gave up before the Doc even had a chance to make a plan....I have begged and pleaded but it has fallen on deaf ears. She was diagnoised on July 17th, she had been to 3 different er's the first one said she had Mastitas then after 2 rounds of meds and no change she started having bone pain she again went to the er where NO ONE looked at the breast they just gave her anti-inflammatory drugs, she told me about all this on July 16th I knew it wasn't an infection, I begged her for 2 hrs to let me take her to Mayo her in AZ I knew they had a breast clinic, we arrived at 11:30 pm the ER doc took one look order all kinds of stuff and within 2 hrs let us know what it was, she has no insurance but the Mayo was willing to admitt her and start treament right away, but she wouldn't stay, this turned out to be a VERY big mistake, My sister is an OnCo. nurse she talked with her and told her how bad this would be if she DIDN"T get treatment but it also fell on deaf ears, she just kept saying she hadn't decided yet what she was going to do but in the meantime she wanted me to get her state ins. WEll that was an ordeal, they don't just sign you up it takes time which we knew she didn't have, so I called the Govs office and threatened to go to the media if they didn't move up their waiting time, the Gov came thru the very next day we had Ins as well as an Onco doc....But she just kept telling the doc I don't know what I want to do yet....after 3 weeks of this the Doc told her her only other choice was to go into Hospice, so that is what she has done, I can tell this is what she wanted from the start. I think her families indifference to all of this didn't help, her mom keeps telling her " you don't have much time left" but has not lifted one finger to help. I am having a hard time with this as well, I have been reading posts for a month now on this site and you all are trying so hard to beat this, I am mad, and I feel bad about it but she is just giving up and I can't change it, I am scared about what this is going to do to her will she suffer? be miserable? I just don't know and I hate that I have to sit by and watch but no one else in her family will do anything so I have to be their for her....I wonder if she knows how hard this is on others. I haven't bee able to talk to anyone about this so thanks for being there....my prayers are with you.
  • danette
    danette Member Posts: 7

    Why no treatment? There are sooooo many options on how to treat this stuff. I would encourage her to at least explore options, including alternative medication (vitamins, herbs, diet...).

    How did your friend get so far along before diagnosis? Were there no symptoms?

    I think if after looking into options and she still doesn't want treatment, then support her 100%.
    You might want to go to www.mdanderson.org or cancer.gov for possible treatment plans. They don't have to include chemotherapy. There are new drugs out there called angiogenic inhibitors. They go straight to the tumor(s) and shut off the blood supply with little or no side effects. Maybe she'll want to visit our site for encouragement. I'm a 3 year stage 4 breast cancer bone met survivor, thank you Lord Jesus. Which brings me to what I personally think is the most important ? and that is your friends salvation?
    Is she saved, do you know and if not please ask. Much more emphasis on eternity than what she does here on earth. I have a website you may want to visit: www.urcctc.com
    Conquering Cancer Through Christ
    As far as what to watch for the first thing will probably be weight loss, then a jaundice look to the skin (yellow or poor color). I'd talk to hospice, they can tell you the rest.
    As far as support, just be there for her. So many people leave their friends after the diagnosis, I guess because they themselves can't handle death. If people only knew we are dead in this evil world of disease, murder and greed. It's through salvation we live. Makes it easier to let go of a sinking ship when you know there is a life line to grab.
    Lastly, help her tie up loose ends, doesn't mean she's giving up, it just helps to get things in order. She needs a living will, I'm sure she doesn't want life support or TPN (tube feeding). All this needs to be documented, who is going to make decisions regarding her medical attention if she gets to where she can't make the decision. She may also need a regular will, she might also want to start a journal, write letters to people, even make a video if she has children. To me its like going on vacation, you just gotta clean the house before you leave so not to worry about leaving the coffee pot on, ya know?
    Final loose end and that's a funeral. I know this may sound morbid, but on the advice of another cancer patient I planned mine back in Sept of 2000. She had a rare brain tumor, only 4 in USA of this type, she was one of the 2 who survived. Both of us, by the grace of God, are still revising our funeral plans. My ex always said I had to have the last word. I guess he was right! HA! I'm here to live everyday to the fullest till God calls me home. I've got 2 boys who I want to see grow up!
    Best to you and your friend, she's already blessed to have you with her. God bless you both. hummingbyrd

    I did buy her a journal right after she was diagnoised, she has been using it, We did the living will as well as a regular one I have medical power of attorney and my husband and I are in charge of her estate as well as her funeral arrangements, I think we have everything covered but anything anyone has to offer feel free, I have never done this before.....I know the Lord put me here for a reason...I moved here to AZ a year ago....my friend decided to tag along since her mom was here and we are best friends, but now I know their was more to it then just that.....Thankfully the Lord is in charge.
  • bullfrog13
    bullfrog13 Member Posts: 213
    Dear DAnette,
    I wish your friend would not give up so easy. My father in laws funeral was today. SEVEN years ago he was only given a year to live! While he was not a cancer patient, he was a heart patient the odds are the same. Much love and God Bless you and your friend.
    JerilynFrog13
  • rizzo15
    rizzo15 Member Posts: 153 Member
    DeeNY711 said:

    It is so indescribably overwhelming to get a diagnosis like that. The physician who delivers the news plays a large part in how the patient perceives what the future holds. The Dr who told me said that if my CT scan or bone scan showed metastasis, there would be no surgery. I thought "that's what you think!" and proceeded to make a Plan B and a Plan C. One oncologist said that if metastasis occurred, treatment would be palliative. Again, just a simple warning that if it hits the fan big time, I need to find a new oncologist. Please try to find a way to explain to your friend that what she has is TREATABLE. She needs to at least discover all of her options before making her final decision. There are plenty of people here on the message board with Stage 4 metastatic. The Health Channel on Cablevision has two excellent documentaries about women who were initially diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic, and are still living normal lives years later. Can your friend at least read through the messages on this site for more information? In any case, Danette, your friend is very fortunate to have your help. Love, Denise

    For what it's worth, my thinking is a lot like DeeNY711. When I was first diagnosed, my first thoughts to my husband were, "Thank God the house is paid for and I had my will drawn up 3 years ago." Then I made sure I knew where my copy of "Final Exit" was on the bookshelf. My husband understood my thinking entirely. He didn't let it bother him because he knew it was my way of expressing that I had some control over the situation. After that, I started to make my Plan B and Plan C. We are a long way from knowing how my breast cancer will progress or how long it will go into remission (knock on wood). I now have worst-case scenario plans and best-case scenario plans. I see stage 4 women at the oncologist's office often. They are looking pretty darn good and are keeping active. I'm thinking to myself that I could do that too. If you've never met someone with your same prognosis (or worse), you don't realize the possibilities.
  • jake10
    jake10 Member Posts: 202

    Dear DAnette,
    I wish your friend would not give up so easy. My father in laws funeral was today. SEVEN years ago he was only given a year to live! While he was not a cancer patient, he was a heart patient the odds are the same. Much love and God Bless you and your friend.
    JerilynFrog13

    It sounds like a lot more than "just" cancer is going one with your friend. Does she have a history of depression or other mental illness? She should be talking to a professional councelor about this, her fears, reasons ect.......
    That being said, You will need support as well. Does she live with you? What plans has she made for the end. Who will provide personnal care. Even with Hospice in there, there needs to be a primary caregiver, because they do not provide 24 hour care in the home. Some Hospices have a residential facility to better serve people without caretakers or if the care becomes too heavy for the family or caretaker.
    Just some thoughts. God Bless you and your family and your friend. Beth
  • mc2001
    mc2001 Member Posts: 343
    Danette,
    It is good that you came here. There are many people at this site that want to help. It is great for support and to give support. First, I am sorry to hear about your friend. Second, I think it is great that you want to support your friend and her wishes. Do you know why your friend does not want to get treatment? Many times what sticks in our mind when we learn we have cancer is the horrible stories we have heard in the past about sickness, pain, depression, etc. While this is common and normal, it helps to learn of all the new ways cancer is being treated today. Today's medicine and Yesterday's medicine is very different. Plus there are many wonderful drugs to help minimize those horrible side effects. I am a leukemia survivor of 7 years. I was diagnosed when I was 21 and I am now 29. I have a leukemia website that has a lot of information about treatments, protocols, treatment centers, and alternative therapy. Here is the URL:
    www.geocities.com/leukemia_lymphoma
    Should you decide to visit the site, be sure to go to the pain management link. There are some helpful hints and links. God bless and Good luck!
    You are a great friend to want to stick by her through this.
  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    danette said:

    Let me start by saying YES she is Saved and by that I mean she has accepted Christ into her heart has asked for forgivness of her sins so this part is a blessing. Why no treatment, I wish I knew, she gave up before the Doc even had a chance to make a plan....I have begged and pleaded but it has fallen on deaf ears. She was diagnoised on July 17th, she had been to 3 different er's the first one said she had Mastitas then after 2 rounds of meds and no change she started having bone pain she again went to the er where NO ONE looked at the breast they just gave her anti-inflammatory drugs, she told me about all this on July 16th I knew it wasn't an infection, I begged her for 2 hrs to let me take her to Mayo her in AZ I knew they had a breast clinic, we arrived at 11:30 pm the ER doc took one look order all kinds of stuff and within 2 hrs let us know what it was, she has no insurance but the Mayo was willing to admitt her and start treament right away, but she wouldn't stay, this turned out to be a VERY big mistake, My sister is an OnCo. nurse she talked with her and told her how bad this would be if she DIDN"T get treatment but it also fell on deaf ears, she just kept saying she hadn't decided yet what she was going to do but in the meantime she wanted me to get her state ins. WEll that was an ordeal, they don't just sign you up it takes time which we knew she didn't have, so I called the Govs office and threatened to go to the media if they didn't move up their waiting time, the Gov came thru the very next day we had Ins as well as an Onco doc....But she just kept telling the doc I don't know what I want to do yet....after 3 weeks of this the Doc told her her only other choice was to go into Hospice, so that is what she has done, I can tell this is what she wanted from the start. I think her families indifference to all of this didn't help, her mom keeps telling her " you don't have much time left" but has not lifted one finger to help. I am having a hard time with this as well, I have been reading posts for a month now on this site and you all are trying so hard to beat this, I am mad, and I feel bad about it but she is just giving up and I can't change it, I am scared about what this is going to do to her will she suffer? be miserable? I just don't know and I hate that I have to sit by and watch but no one else in her family will do anything so I have to be their for her....I wonder if she knows how hard this is on others. I haven't bee able to talk to anyone about this so thanks for being there....my prayers are with you.

    YOU GO GIRL! I'm impressed...right to the governer's office! You have been working hard for your friend, be careful you don't end up mentally and physically drained.
    Don't know why friend won't fight maybe depression, attention seeking, scared of treatment, no motivation. I tell you if it hadn't been for my 2 boys I wouldn't have gone back for treatment. Took 2 rounds of chemo and then refused to go back. Heck they almost killed me with the second dose.
    Maybe your friend is more afraid of treatment than death and to be honest, as a Christian, death is nothing to fear.
    She may be just real strong in her faith and feel she doesn't have anything worth the fight to keep her here. Read Phillipeans 1:21-26
    As far as pain, hospice is real good about keeping people comfortable, but they don't provide 24 hour care. Wishing you the best, hummb.

    Father, my prayer is for danette and her friend, for You to speak to her friends heart. Let her seek Your will and wisdom in this matter. Please Lord God provide both of them with a peace that surpasses everything else on earth and give them both Your comfort and guidance. Surround them with Your angels of mercy and grace. Give danette confidence in knowing she has done all that she can for her friend and give her the strength she needs to get through this. I ask these things in Christ' name. Amen.
  • danette
    danette Member Posts: 7
    jake10 said:

    It sounds like a lot more than "just" cancer is going one with your friend. Does she have a history of depression or other mental illness? She should be talking to a professional councelor about this, her fears, reasons ect.......
    That being said, You will need support as well. Does she live with you? What plans has she made for the end. Who will provide personnal care. Even with Hospice in there, there needs to be a primary caregiver, because they do not provide 24 hour care in the home. Some Hospices have a residential facility to better serve people without caretakers or if the care becomes too heavy for the family or caretaker.
    Just some thoughts. God Bless you and your family and your friend. Beth

    She has all her end plans in effect, no she lives in her own home, I go everyday and take care of her, I don't know what else is going on BUT it seems to be a pattern in her family, her father died at the age of 46...he needed a single bypass but opted to do nothing , he spent his last yr sitting in his recliner waiting to die, she also sits in her chair just waiting. She will not leave her home which I understand but then she does need to allow others in to help ,Hospice is trying to get her to let volunteers in but she refuses their help...to say the least she is difficult, she doesn't like people in her house and she doesn't realize I can't be their 24/7 this has been very hard on my 7 yr old daughter, she loves my friend but at the same time is jealous about the time I spend their this is were I am depending on Hospice, I don't want to hurt my friends feelings but she needs to let others that are willing to help come in.
    You are right she is more afraid of treatment then death! That is exactly what I see just couldn't put it into words...Thanks, yes you are right again as a Child of God death is nothing to fear, I am so glad I found this board, I think I understand better now.
  • danette
    danette Member Posts: 7

    Dear DAnette,
    I wish your friend would not give up so easy. My father in laws funeral was today. SEVEN years ago he was only given a year to live! While he was not a cancer patient, he was a heart patient the odds are the same. Much love and God Bless you and your friend.
    JerilynFrog13

    I am so sorry to hear about your father-in-law my prayers are with you and your family....
  • Snookums
    Snookums Member Posts: 148
    mc2001 said:

    Danette,
    It is good that you came here. There are many people at this site that want to help. It is great for support and to give support. First, I am sorry to hear about your friend. Second, I think it is great that you want to support your friend and her wishes. Do you know why your friend does not want to get treatment? Many times what sticks in our mind when we learn we have cancer is the horrible stories we have heard in the past about sickness, pain, depression, etc. While this is common and normal, it helps to learn of all the new ways cancer is being treated today. Today's medicine and Yesterday's medicine is very different. Plus there are many wonderful drugs to help minimize those horrible side effects. I am a leukemia survivor of 7 years. I was diagnosed when I was 21 and I am now 29. I have a leukemia website that has a lot of information about treatments, protocols, treatment centers, and alternative therapy. Here is the URL:
    www.geocities.com/leukemia_lymphoma
    Should you decide to visit the site, be sure to go to the pain management link. There are some helpful hints and links. God bless and Good luck!
    You are a great friend to want to stick by her through this.

    My heart just hurts for you and your friend. Such emotional pain for you to endure and such helplessness. You are doing a good thing by coming here for love and support. It will carry you through whatever your friends life becomes. She is an adult with her own decisions to make and that complete loss of control is hard for a friend to handle. Do just what you are doing keep talking and keep loving her, both will help. Praying and asking God to intervene (infact, each of us needs to stop now and ask that of God) is always a good choice. We have no idea what He has planned for either of you. Have you asked your friend to go with you to a clergyman to just talk? Perhaps that will open a door you haven't been able to but ultimately, the choice is hers. As a final note copy all these e mail replys and e mail them to her or give her the paper copies. Perhaps we can break down that wall. My friend just was amazed that all these people care, know her pain and don't even know her personally. God's blessings to you a very good friend.
  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    Danette, scroll up to the top and click on the left column of choices YOUR CSN START PAGE to pick up an E-mail you can print out for your friend. Hugs, Denise
  • mc2001
    mc2001 Member Posts: 343
    danette said:

    She has all her end plans in effect, no she lives in her own home, I go everyday and take care of her, I don't know what else is going on BUT it seems to be a pattern in her family, her father died at the age of 46...he needed a single bypass but opted to do nothing , he spent his last yr sitting in his recliner waiting to die, she also sits in her chair just waiting. She will not leave her home which I understand but then she does need to allow others in to help ,Hospice is trying to get her to let volunteers in but she refuses their help...to say the least she is difficult, she doesn't like people in her house and she doesn't realize I can't be their 24/7 this has been very hard on my 7 yr old daughter, she loves my friend but at the same time is jealous about the time I spend their this is were I am depending on Hospice, I don't want to hurt my friends feelings but she needs to let others that are willing to help come in.
    You are right she is more afraid of treatment then death! That is exactly what I see just couldn't put it into words...Thanks, yes you are right again as a Child of God death is nothing to fear, I am so glad I found this board, I think I understand better now.

    Hi Danette!
    I know this may sound like I am being harsh, but i want to be blunt. Your daughter is in the right to be jealous. Your daughter NEEDS you! Your friend has family and friends to help and if she wanted but she is an adult. She doesnt NEED you. She may really appreciate your help, and you may really like supporting her, and that is great. But your FIRST responsibility is to your daughter. Then your husband, and then your friend. Your friend is a grown woman, that can make her own decisions. She is choosing this path, and it is her right. We may not like it, but nevertheless, it is HER decision. So, we can help her in whatever way we can without depriving our family of our attention. This is just my humble opinion. God bless.
    -Michael
  • danette
    danette Member Posts: 7
    mc2001 said:

    Hi Danette!
    I know this may sound like I am being harsh, but i want to be blunt. Your daughter is in the right to be jealous. Your daughter NEEDS you! Your friend has family and friends to help and if she wanted but she is an adult. She doesnt NEED you. She may really appreciate your help, and you may really like supporting her, and that is great. But your FIRST responsibility is to your daughter. Then your husband, and then your friend. Your friend is a grown woman, that can make her own decisions. She is choosing this path, and it is her right. We may not like it, but nevertheless, it is HER decision. So, we can help her in whatever way we can without depriving our family of our attention. This is just my humble opinion. God bless.
    -Michael

    Your right! my daughter is only 7 she needs me...I just can't get it thru my friends head that she NEEDS to let the Hospice volunteers help out, her family has dumped EVERTHING into my lap including taking care of her funeral....which a a mom I can NOT understand, you would think she would want to be their for her daughter but she doesn't so My friend is trying to replace her with me....I did talk to the Hospice social worker and she is going to talk to my friend and get her to see things alittle differently, she also is going to get the family together and find out what their problem is.....I have no problem being their for her it just has to be when my daughter is in school...I don't want her life spinning out of control. Thanks
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    I am very sorry to hear about your friend. You have come to the right place, never doubt that. Your friend sounds like an amazingly strong woman, this is not a sign of weakness. She sounds as though life is clear to her and has accepted all she must. STAGE 4 is about as bad as it gets. Yes so many have survived and continue to, you must tell your friend this. Maybe you could sit with her and get her to read some of the messages. I have been more hopeful since I started to talk to woman like myself.
    It isn't easy being that friend, supporting her no matter he choice. My mother inlaw is going through this process now, Palliative and barely sustaining her life. It is difficult to watch but I have been so fortunate to have known her she has done so much for me. I am so surprised at what some people must endure and how they do.
    Your friend is lucky to have you,
    Tara
  • mc2001
    mc2001 Member Posts: 343
    danette said:

    Your right! my daughter is only 7 she needs me...I just can't get it thru my friends head that she NEEDS to let the Hospice volunteers help out, her family has dumped EVERTHING into my lap including taking care of her funeral....which a a mom I can NOT understand, you would think she would want to be their for her daughter but she doesn't so My friend is trying to replace her with me....I did talk to the Hospice social worker and she is going to talk to my friend and get her to see things alittle differently, she also is going to get the family together and find out what their problem is.....I have no problem being their for her it just has to be when my daughter is in school...I don't want her life spinning out of control. Thanks

    Hello again Danette!
    Its me your *honest* friend! LOL
    Once again, I am throwing Political Correctness out the window! First, I dont believe your friends family has dumped everything on you. I believe you have LET them. What I mean, is that you probably think your friend will take it wrong if you stand your ground and say, "Hey, I am not willing to do this all by myself! I have a family that needs me, and I am willing to help, but I will NOT take on the whole burden!" You may have wanted to avoid confrontation or "making someone mad at you" or whatever. Bottom line: You will irritate and may even anger others for standing your ground and MAKING THEM share the burden. Fine. Fact of life. But you have to take care of yourself and your family. And you cant change your whole life around and worry about "How in the world am I supposed to do this or that for my good friend" It isnt your responsibility to perform a juggling act with your family's life. You are a great friend and have a good heart. But being a friend or a spiritual person does NOT mean being a DOORMAT for others.
    God bless danette. You are a gem among friends and a treasure TO your friends. But you have to live your life as well. Take care! :-)
    -Michael