Finding the creativity

smvargo · July 2003

I am new to this discussion. I was diagnosed 7/02 and am coming up on one year, after surgery, chemo, radiation, and am on arimidex. Chemo. put me into menopause, which was a blessing. I am 47 years old. My sister Nancy died of metastatic breast cancer on 7/12/03. She was 44 and may have been a member of this discussion group. My mother died 11/02 from breast cancer that had moved to her lungs. It has been a tough year as only all of you can understand. I am a songwriter and musician (bass and guitar). I have been trying to write songs and keep getting stuck writing about all my losses and my cancer. Is anyone else having this same problem creatively? I am still dealing with heavy duty emotional fall-out, fear, grief, loss of self image, loss of feeling sexy and my brain is just not as sharp or focused as it used to be. I have been feeling alone, especially with how facing mortality so intimately has changed me. It is hard to come back and I know I am early in the process. Any words of wisdom or suggestions? It is amazing how the fear of this disease can disguise itself in so many ways and in such different and distracting thoughts and behaviors. The fear hit me full force for the first time about 2 weeks ago. I have finally decided to communicate with other BC survivors for help. Thank you.
smvargo

ksfc · July 2003

Welcome! You've had about the worst year I can imagine. You definitely deserve a lot of credit for just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I think you've arrived at a point that many of us find difficult - the...where do we go from here...how do we get our life back.....what's our new normal...During treatment, we're doing something proactive to treat our disease. When the major treatments are over, it can be a very scary time because it seems like there's nothing more concrete for us to do. We also have people around us that expect us to be the same person we were before, but we're not. As far as creativity...I think you just need to give yourself some time. I know that even though I'm almost a year away from completion of treatment, I still find myself trying to figure out what to do with myself, or just feeling a lack of motivation to do anything productive at times. I would imagine that when
your creative juices start flowing again, you'll have so much to express that it will be overwhelming. Take care! Peace - Diane

jamjar62 · July 2003

Hi! I was diagnosed in December of 2002. I had my first chemo 2 days after Christmas and am now half way through radiation. My only creativity comes from my scrapbooking (not quite the same as writing a song, I know!). Anyway, I have been unable to scrapbook. The next pictures due to be scrapped were from Christmas and I just couldn't make myself do it. It was just such an unhappy time for me and my family that I wasn't sure I wanted to put it on page to be remembered. So I skipped Christmas and went on to Easter. Now, the muse has returned and I have found that each picture I put on the page is a treasure and the journaling I do about the pictures is more honest and heartfelt. I was able to go back, scrap the pictures from Christmas and journal about what a sucky holiday it was last year.

Maybe if you didn't look at the songs you're writing as "getting stuck" but as your way of getting those feelings of sadness, loss, anger, whatever, out. Just go with the process, write the sad songs til you can't write anymore. Everytime I hear "Tears in Heaven", I think about what led Eric Clapton to write it and what a cathartic experience it must have been to write it and to sing about it.

I guess what all this rambling is TRYING to say is that you need to work through this whole horrible experience in whatever way your grief demands. It's not getting stuck....it's moving on! Getting stuck would be not writing at all.

Blessings,
Karen

SweetSue · July 2003

My mom died of breast cancer when she was 53 (I was 13 at the time..talk about what an impression that made). Within the next 5 years, my dad and brother died. So I was faced with mortality early. As I expected for years, I was diagnosed with bc 02/03 at age 54.
I am an artist, and I just couldn't paint for weeks...too heartsick to be creative. The way I cope...I say, "I feel great right now...now is all I/we have..the past isn't real ...the future isn't real. Just pray and keep busy. I am going to try to volunteer my talents at Noogieland (Gilda 's Club).
I am truly sorry that you have lost so many loved ones, especially in such a short time.
Like many breast cancer survivors, I pin a Father Solanus' badge to my bra to feel safe.
Good Luck and God bless you.
Sue

SweetSue · July 2003

Forgot to mention...fear hit me about 2 days ago..after last chemo treatment. Today, I am going to a support group. And if needed, I will seek more professional help. Sometimes, we need the wisdom to seek help .
Sue

raku · July 2003

Hi Smvargo,
You have been through so much the last couple of years...the loss of your mother and sister must have been devastating. There was also the change to your body (as you knew it) which is a huge loss. I am truly sorry for all of your losses.
I think it is wonderful that you are trying to express your feelings through songwriting. It is amazing how cancer changes a person. I have been through a similiar situation as you. Have lost family members very close to me in a short amount of time and had to deal with cancer. I hit a stone wall...bam. Had to make so many decisions about cancer treatment that I hardly had energy to focus on anything else but basic living.
All creatvity went out the window. It has been over a year now since major surgery and I am just now starting to be interested in former hobbies. I am like a tulip that is just starting to open. You know how tulips are...kinda of floppy but then start to bend towards the sun in the morning light. Opening their petals slowly and gently. That is how I feel. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that with time your creativity will shine through once again! Bless you.

cammie · July 2003

I found that writing about my experience in a journal keeps me grounded. It is like talking to a old friend. When I feel I have talked my family and friends ears off about how I am doing, I go to my journal and let it out there. In a way your song writing is the same. You need to tell how you feel. I am sure once you have expressed your feelings then you can move on to other song writing. I am so very sorry about your sister and mom. I am the first in my family to have BC, so for you to have two family members die of BC, it must be so hard. What you have faced lately has got to be unbelievable. We are here for you. You mentioned how alone you feel, but you are not alone. I will be thinking of you. Cammie

smvargo · July 2003

I want to thank all of you who replied. You have helped in healing my heart. I have been wanting to connect with other survivors who have lost family members to this disease as well. Your compassion is overwhelming. Your personal stories about creativity have been inspiring. smvargo

maggs · July 2003

Dear smvargo,
First of all, you probably will NOT die for a LONG time. I had a bad case and am still going strong going on 5 years. I watched the Linda McCartney Story on t.v. and it helped me to understand some of the stuff I was going through. I am a poet and teacher by trade, but AFTER I got the cancer I started writing simple songs. Give yourself time to get some distance before you write aboout the cancer. Write about the ordinary things that give you joy--like green tea or daffodils or the sunshine in your room! Start there. It will help you to heal, too, focusing on the GOOD things! I read some books by people who had cancer and that's how I wrote the poem Brother Cancer. See my poetry and one song (A Great White Light)in the Expressions Gallery of this site--by Maggs! Maybe it will inspire you. Time will help you. Get in touch with God. Live each day, one at a time, and you will write again. We are all going to die of something one day--think about LIVING! Maggs

maggs · July 2003

There is a lot of poetry and humorous books on the support pages of oncolink.com. Look under reading room or online books! There are some hilarious cartoons there, too. One thing that inhibits creativity in any area of life is when nothing happens with it, or no one responds to it, or there are no ways to get it recognized. Now, here's a thought. If anyone out there who has experience with cancer is a record producer or book publisher, he/she could help us promote our stuff, since most cancer victims end up with very limited incomes.

spiritual · July 2003

You are not alone, my cancer diagnosed Sept 99, I was just married for one year, we were going on a cruise the week I had my lumpectomy. Surgery was done with a fever, my biopsy had become infected. I told them but the operated anyway and sent me home in 24 hours, I was back in 2 days spiking a bad fever. Next 3 days consisted of antibiotic infusions. The oncologist came, he said you have a less than 1 centimeter tumor, but it has spread to 10 out of 12 lymph nodes. We will need to treat you very agressively. My brain shut down, all I could think about was dying. I was 47 and newly married for the second time, we have 5 children total. I was a very vital creative energetic person, my family was devastated. Long story short I participated in a clinical trial along with 2 kinds of chemo for 4 months, then on the 5th, I had a autogolous stem cell transplant and it was followed with 6 weeks of radiation. I never called and spoke to a support group. I am concerned about side effects mostly from the stem cell transplant so that is why I went looking and found this site. The treatment was awful, but I focused on my friend's and family and lots of prayer. I went from vital to invalid in a matter of months. I went from never being sick to a year long illness and doctor visits far into my future. I was terrified for myself and my family. I went to work June of 2000 two weeks after my radiation finished and I am trying all the time to improve my odds for the future. My grandmother died of colon cancer but no one could remember if any of my aunts had breast cancer. We found one that did and another that has been treated since I was. I was getting mammograms every year and I let one go and it was about a year and a half. Boy did I ever kick myself because we all know that if diagnosed early, I would have only needed radiation. I tell everyone get those done! I was put into menopause early also, could not take Tamoxifen so am taking Arimidex with no problems. I pray that you will always stay positive. I believe Prayer and being positive is why I am still here. Good luck you will start to feel better, it is all consuming when you have cancer. I hate the word. A lot of us pretend we don't have it and that is how we cope. Take care.

smvargo · July 2003

spiritual said:
You are not alone, my cancer diagnosed Sept 99, I was just married for one year, we were going on a cruise the week I had my lumpectomy. Surgery was done with a fever, my biopsy had become infected. I told them but the operated anyway and sent me home in 24 hours, I was back in 2 days spiking a bad fever. Next 3 days consisted of antibiotic infusions. The oncologist came, he said you have a less than 1 centimeter tumor, but it has spread to 10 out of 12 lymph nodes. We will need to treat you very agressively. My brain shut down, all I could think about was dying. I was 47 and newly married for the second time, we have 5 children total. I was a very vital creative energetic person, my family was devastated. Long story short I participated in a clinical trial along with 2 kinds of chemo for 4 months, then on the 5th, I had a autogolous stem cell transplant and it was followed with 6 weeks of radiation. I never called and spoke to a support group. I am concerned about side effects mostly from the stem cell transplant so that is why I went looking and found this site. The treatment was awful, but I focused on my friend's and family and lots of prayer. I went from vital to invalid in a matter of months. I went from never being sick to a year long illness and doctor visits far into my future. I was terrified for myself and my family. I went to work June of 2000 two weeks after my radiation finished and I am trying all the time to improve my odds for the future. My grandmother died of colon cancer but no one could remember if any of my aunts had breast cancer. We found one that did and another that has been treated since I was. I was getting mammograms every year and I let one go and it was about a year and a half. Boy did I ever kick myself because we all know that if diagnosed early, I would have only needed radiation. I tell everyone get those done! I was put into menopause early also, could not take Tamoxifen so am taking Arimidex with no problems. I pray that you will always stay positive. I believe Prayer and being positive is why I am still here. Good luck you will start to feel better, it is all consuming when you have cancer. I hate the word. A lot of us pretend we don't have it and that is how we cope. Take care.

Spiritual,
Thank you for replying. Thank you for letting me know that many of us deal with multiple losses. I must share that on Saturday July 12th (the one year anniversary of my sister's death) I started my period!!! Like you I loved my arimidex. Why couldn't you take tamoxifen? I had a very bad reaction on only 10 mg. Another curve ball. Since I posted my original message, I have felt better. I've gotten back my "bad ****" attitude where I can meet the challenges. Meeting the challenges is my best revenge. Once again, hearing your's and the stories of others made me feel like part of a tribe and rekindled my fighting spirit.
Stephanie

Finding the creativity

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