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Preparing for a spouse to die

mah
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2003

My husband only has a few months to live. He has had cancer for 4 years. How do you prepare yourself emotionally for the dying process. He is very mood and hard to get along with sometimes. When he wasn't showing any symptoms it wasn't real to me, but now the signs are very real. I have a great faith in God and I know he do what is best for us, but that doesn't make it any easier to let go of someone you love and wanted to spend the rest ofyour life with. We also have grandchildren ranging from newborn to 8 years old. How is the best way to explain this to small children. What kind of signs do I look for when the end is near? Is there anyone that can give me some advice.

kamehameha6470
Posts: 33
Joined: Jan 2003

Hi Ma:

First, I'd just like to say that I am so very sorry. Even though my husband said very little about his feelings during my cancer treatment, we have recently started to discuss them. I never realized how difficult this illness could be on the spouses.

Let me tell you what my grandmother told me when she was sure she was going to die from her colon cancer. She said that God was calling her home to Him. She had had a productive and loving life, raised children, and seen her grandchildren. And even though I could not feel her loving arms around me, I'd feel her love in my heart every time I thought of her. She would look down upon me from Heaven, watching over me, guiding me, and loving me. I've never forgotten how much my grandmother meant to me, or her words. I still ask her for guidance, after all these years, and I still feel her love.

I hope her words will now help you tell your grandkids that although we will all leave this world, our love will remain in their hearts, and our memories will live on in their souls.

mah
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2003

Thank you so much for your kinds words. I am doing the best I can and I know God is in control of our lives and he will do what is best. I wish we could understand his reasons sometimes. My husband is only 50 years old. I lost my first husband at 43 and had 3 kids to finish raising. My children are a great help to me. Thanks again for replying.

MA

gracelyn
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2003

Hi There,
First I would like to say my heart goes out to all of you tonight. Your are all living with such tremendous uncertainty right now, and I do know what this is like. Tonight is my first night, I just signed on, so please bear with me. I recently lost my mom at 59 , I am 38, to a 3 year battle to Breast cancer and leukemia. Her and my dad had just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary, and there are also 4 grandchildren, 2 of which are my children. My mom had us all fooled towards the end by her strength which during the 3 years remained with her no matter how tired she would feel and how battered her body became, and there were no signs. Her counts were declining, and her body was shutting down, but her brain was still so intact. The last few days, she would become angry because she knew she was loosing us. She would stare at us and then scream because she must have felt the darkness at times. She would say, who turned off the lights? She was always cold, she would breath very heavy. She also mumbled a lot to what we called the other side, often speaking to people she may have been seeing or dreaming of. Then, she would wake with quarter size eyeballs and shake it off. They are trying to make their peace with all of this. It is a natural part of this process. The wish for my mom was to be at home, but we didn't have hospice in place in time because of not seeing the signs in time. Please, make sure if this is your husbands wish that you have everything set up to allow this time for him and yourself as well as your family to let him go in peace . He has suffered long enough, and the last few hours of life should be peaceful. We wish we could have had that, and I cannot stress it enough. Also, know one thing. You have done everything you can to be there for him. Cherish every moment with him now, good or bad, and know that it isn't the end, it is the beginning of your husband being pain free. It is horrific to watch someone we love with all our heart and soul go through this. But, it is also horrific and frightening for them once they have made their peace with their disease because they want to make sure we will be okay. You just have to reassure him you and your family will be okay. Our best to you all, and God Bless You! Gracelyn

gerid
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2004

Tonight is my first night on this site, and your message touched me. My heart goes out to you and your family. I just lost my husband of 34 years on July 30th. He was 52 when he passed. He was diagnosed in Oct. of 03 with lung cancer with metatasis to the brain.He went thru two surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy. They told us they had it all, but guess what, they didn't. We realized it was spreading after his MRI after radiation. They felt chemo would help, but it was still spreading after the second treatment. My girls and I prepared for the worst. It was determined in June that the disease was spreading faster than the treatment and reality struck. I don't know if you can really prepare yourself for this type of loss, but we took every day and made it as good as we could.Ron has asked not to know the specifics and we honored that. I'm sure in his heart he knew. I believe that God had a reason for touching our family in this way, and I even think I know why. It doesn't make it any easier. Your having to go thru this twice does not make it any easier. I choose to think of the wonderful times and memories we created as a family and that helps me thru. We have a 6 1/2 year old grandaughter and she will miss her Papa very much, but each time she casts her fishing pole into the water she can think of how he taught her to fish and his love of nature. When you are able I would like to hear back from you and how you are doing. My prayers are with you. Geri

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