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last chemo tomorrow

newjersey25
Posts: 27
Joined: Sep 2002

I would like to thank all of you for your support and information. I am having a very hard time dealing with this. At least once a day I break down and cry. I have two babies that I love more than anything in the world, and I couldn't imagine them having to grow up without me. My last chemo is tomorrow, but then my doctor wants to check on a suspicious nodule on my right lung. I am so frightened of the results. I could really use some prayers. On Jan. 15 I meet with a team of surgeons to discuss my mastectomy. This scares me too. I really don't know what is involved with the surgery. I also found a new lump on my arm. I don't know if i'm just freaking out over every little thing. Or if this is something to worry about. I have no one around me that I know who is going through this and I feel very alone. I feel like i'm sinking into a deep depression and I can't find a way out! I know I should think positive but I just can't. I'm am fearing the worst and I can't help it. My doctor keeps telling me that there are doctors who can help me deal with this depression. But I really don't see how they can help me? They never had cancer and they don't know what it's like to go through this. I know I should be happy that tomorrow is my last treatment, but I feel like if the treatment stops the cancer has a chance to spread. I literally feel numb with fear all day long. Is this normal? I am so sad and I could really use someone to talk to. I can't sleep at night because I can't get this off my mind. I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown any time now. Please help!

hummingbyrd's picture
hummingbyrd
Posts: 965
Joined: Sep 2002

Hey NJ, I'm right there with you babe. My worst panic attack was with my last chemo treatment and I had some dingers before then, I was so bad I'd take a 2mg xanex before I went in for chemo! I kept thinking if only I can make one more then I'll only have # left. Got to the last one and freaked out, just knew it would spread 'everywhere' because I would no longer be getting treatment. Totally weird but totally normal, course I think any way a person reacts to this junk is 'normal' BUT there are ranges of reaction. Those from self destructive to self fulfillment, at some point you gotta get ahold of yourself or you will lose it.
First give it to God, literally get down on your knees and tell him to take it, you can't handle it anymore.
Second get you some 'nerve pills' if you don't have any addictive tendancies. Taking the edge off and getting a good nights sleep does wonders.
Third, enjoy those kids and love them as if each day is your last, not because of the cancer...h*ll, each day may have been your last before the diagnosis, you just DID NOT think of it that way. Your still at this point more likely to die in a car wreck than from the cancer, for whatever that's worth...AND THEN realize AS MUCH as YOU love your kids God loves them more! He is in control and will take care of everything. Tell Satan to pack his sh*t, put the fear he has over you in a bag, IN THE NAME OF THE LORD and hit the road!
See Ephesians 6:10-18
Take this illness and ask God what you can do to glorify Him through it.
John 11:4 This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.
You're working for God now so...Be strong and of good courage...the Lord thy God is with thee wherever thou goest. Joshua 1:9
See a doc about some antidepressants, antianxiety meds and take one of those 'chill pills', then go have a one on one with the Lord.
You'll do fine. I'm going to email you OK? God bless, hummb.

marytres's picture
marytres
Posts: 145
Joined: May 2002

Hi, I'm sorry to hear your so down. Fear is something we live with as well as the cancer. Cancer is not a death sentence. You have two babies that need you so fight this and you'll win. You have to have a positive attitude even if you find it hard. I'm depressed at times too but the important thing is that we're alive. I found prayer helps alot too. I've already wrote to you to tell you to write me any time. I'll leave my e-mail address again and please contact ANYTIME! mariateresa.lacava@inwind.it You'll make it through this, believe me. Hugs and love, Marie

llange's picture
llange
Posts: 54
Joined: Dec 2001

Hi, sorry to hear about the rough time. Just know that it's very normal to feel the way you do! Most of us have been through the same emotions, and the hardest time is often when treatment is ending. I don't know if you have anything available, but a support group could really help you out, to meet other people who have been through the same things (of course you get that here too, but sometimes it's nice to meet somebody "in the flesh"). My kids were 5 and 8 last year when I was diagnosed, and I still worry about them growing up without a mom, but I guess I'm just trying to enjoy them every day. Also, there are doctors and therapists that can really, really help with depression, and they do understand what you're going through. They may even have been through it themselves (you'd be amazed at who's been through cancer. My radiation onc. has lymphoma, and people everywhere I've met since my diagnosis that I had no idea they had cancer are telling me they had it too). And medications really can take the edge off. It helped me a lot knowing that people all over the country were praying for me, including many people I didn't even know. I found this very comforting. Know that we are praying for you too!! You will get through the treatment and the surgery, and you will live to watch your children grow up. Love, Lisa

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