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I'm losing it!

njmjmom
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2001

A year ago I was married, mother of 2 boys, then a mamo showed breast cancer. Had a lumpectomy, first day of chemo, husband left, now i am working as a clerk, making very little, husband is divorcing, trying to get the house, cars, and one son, whom he talked into coming with! Is there anything i can do to save my home? I am at the end of my rope! Started smoking again! I KNOW!!!HELP!!

maryfsz
Posts: 31
Joined: Jul 2002

Dearnjmjmom;
Gosh and golly what a story. Can't think of anything nice to say about that jerk you were married to, but perhaps you are better off without him. Character screams louder than words and a man that would walk out on you when you are going through chemo doesn't have much good character in my book. I have been there. Not exactly like that, but I too was going through a divorce when my cancer was discovered. And I am so much better off without the *****! Now two years later and I am off chemo and so much happier with my life. Just hang in...one day at a time...sometimes one hour at a time.
Reach out to women friends and all who would offer any kind of help. Sometimes people need to be asked to help you. I found that time I asked friends to drive me to treatments, etc. was some of the best time we spent together in a long time. We get so busy, sometimes we don't take time. So, my illness was a way for many of my friends and I to get to spend some quality time together. Also....do what you want to do--every day. No more doing what you think someone else wants you to do. Time is of the essence and you have to be true to yourself.
You still are a mother of 2 boys and nothing will ever change that.
Also--I let go of my big house. I let him have it and pay me my equity. I struggled with it a long time, but now I am so certain it was the very best thing to happen to me. When I was so sick I did not want to take care of that big house anymore. Now, I am just glad I don't have to pay the taxes on it! Really it is a huge relief.
You have to spend your energy on YOU and getting WELL. There will be other houses if you LIVE! First things first.
Take care and get an attitude!
Get lots of hugs,
Mary

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

It should of been enough that you had to face the Big C. Unfortunately we don't have control over how those we love deal with their own fears of the same disease. Most often it is because the spouses are too scared to face what you have to. I am sorry for your pain but let that be the motivator for you to survive and prove them all wrong, including that ex of yours. There is something to the saying what kills us only makes us stronger, better able to face and cope with all of life's realities.
Hang your head high and take control getting what is rightfully yours and letting him succeed in breaking you. Your boys need to see their mother's strength to know what is possible for them.
Be good to yourself FIRST!
Tara24242

iris48's picture
iris48
Posts: 92
Joined: May 2002

Hello njmmom,
Know that you have power and the only way you lose it is if you give it away. Find legal representation to advise you properly. You can find them sometimes through referrals at your wellness center, place of worship, word of mouth. There are choices and some do pro-bono work or sliding scale.
The most important person right now is you and doing things that empower you should be at the top of your list. I have recently started yoga (you can even get the video tapes from the library if necessary). My wellness center has a wonderful person teaching it (also a massage therapist that has gone through BC). Today I did a more advanced class and only do what I can do. The results are amazing. I am releasing tension and restrictions from all over and finding I have more clarity and peace around me. I go for surgery this Thursday, so being centered and strong is very important personally. You can do it. The kids can do it with you. You won't be green forever on Chemo. Use this time to read through the yoga positions and when you feel better you can start with the breathing and progress. My heart is with you. You can do this. Find new friends, create a support circle. We are all here for you. Good luck and hugs,
Iris

nasa2537
Posts: 317
Joined: Apr 2002

You just hang in there. You need to focus on getting well first and foremost. And remember, the boys will always be yours, and he can't take that away from you. I know the thought of moving is not at the top of your list right now, but maybe taking care of a house isn't what you need either. Find a lawyer that will fight the things you want to fight, and let him/her do the work so you can concentrate on getting better. Seek out friends with positive attitudes to surround you and keep your spirits up. I'll be praying for you to get through this in a way that is best for you, and remember, we are all here for you. God bless, Cyndi

pamtriggs's picture
pamtriggs
Posts: 408
Joined: Sep 2000

Fight the ***** all the way. I assume you live in US. Here in New Zealand he would not stand a hope of getting more than 1/12 of the value of the house.Let him fight for it in open court & tell the world what a greedy selfish jerk he is. I am sure all your girl friends & family will help out with emotional support as we will. It's amazing how some people can fool some people all the time. As for your son who has gone with him he will wake when the scales drop from his eyes & he sees his step father as he realy is. JUst keep on loving him. God will take you under his wing & you will find the reason for this trial that has come your way. He would not have let it happen if you could not take something out of it.

Love & hugs to you.

Pam

hummingbyrd's picture
hummingbyrd
Posts: 965
Joined: Sep 2002

I almost died w/ my 2nd treatment. I'm small and they OD'ed me w/ chemo, then I got a bad bronchitis. My husband of 16 years walked out on me laying in the bed saying "I just want to die." He was escaping into drugs, including my pain meds. It was a rough go, but that was 8/2000. By the grace of God I've got both my boys, my house, child support, etc. If you want more info email me. We'll talk. God bless, Hummingbyrd

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