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I need help

melzmom
Posts: 47
Joined: Apr 2002

My mom has lung that will kill her. Within the next year. Treatment isn't an option. I had cancer last year and underwent 6 months of treatments (four of chemo and two of radiation). My mother never came to see me the whole time I was sick and she only lives 15 miles from here. She is a very selfish, self-centered woman that only does what suits her. She is also very mean. You can imagine what kind of childhood we had. I finished my treatment in April and she got diagnosed in May. During my treatment I lost my grandfather (how was like a father to me) to liver cancer. She said some very mean things to me after she was diagnosed when I tried to help her. My Dr. said that I needed to stay away from her until I was emotionally and physically ready. Between the loss of my grandfather who was the most loving family man I know and my own disease I was to weak to go to her and put up with her demanding personality. Not to mention she had cancer. I just fought it and just lost someone I loved very much to the very timing of it all was hard to handle The icing on the cake was when she told me that I had no idea what it was like to have cancer and to be afraid of dying. No, I had no idea after what I just went through. I watched a man fall to the floor in my oncologist's office and learned that he passed away before they got him in an ambulance. Her words hurt me so bad I had to leave my wonderful husbanded kid and go stay in a hotel. I e-mailed her every day when I was sick giving her update. Well to make a long story even longer. MY mother has 5 kids--and only two of us speak to her. We don't have a relationship with her. My sister who lives in Maryland stays in very little touch with her. We also have three brothers. One hasn't spoken to her in 12 years and the other in 8. We still have one more brother who has spent most of his life in prison. He got out of prison long enough to get married and have to beautiful children and then to disappear again. --He is truck driver who gave up his parental rights of his children when he found out his wife had AIDS He is a drunk that drive a truck and can't manage to stay in one place at time or manage to stay out of prison.

goodchatt
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2002

Melzmom,,

I know alot of people can relate to you,, I feel most families have what you wrote in some degree,, I know my family has,some,

I just watched a show.. the person talking said, [you can not change scrammbled eggs],, I am not sure why that stuck,,,with me but it did,, I think it was about,,WE can only change the things WE can,, and finding the power of knowing the difference, and then letting go of the past we cannot change, and moving forward, with a new way of living , of hope ,,,even just one day at a time, and renewing this each day,,and starting fresh,,letting go of the yesterday, and living for today,,and living in the now,,and let a highter power handle the planning of tomorrow. Another thing that stuck was, my higher power [changes scares into stars],,

Just some food for thought,, I happen to hear this weekend,, I was down a bit,, but I got just what I needed, when I happen to tune in to this,, you can not change scrammble eggs,, renewing,,each day, starting fresh, because, the higher power has another plan, if the first one is not working, there is another plan,,and if that one is not working,there is another and another,,plan,till one fits,, but each day I must renew, myself, and not let the negitive of the past, pull on me,, let go and let my higher power help me plan and trust in my choices,,for the good,,

well, it sure help me, get out of my corner, some things just take time,, but I do like that ,, [you can not scrammble eggs],

best of thoughts you way,, I am grateful for you,, you have helped me get through a time in my life,, that there was alot of unknown,, ahead,, your words helped me,,to ask the right questions,,to get answers,,and I am okay today,,

Best to you,,

Jack

crtsang
Posts: 105
Joined: Nov 2000

It's so hard for me to put this succinctly, but here goes. You cannot expect your mother to change at this late date. You may well need to care for her for your own piece of mind, but please don't expect her to be grateful or show you any warmth. Hardest of all, because she's your mother: don't take her remarks personally. As you've noticed, she hasn't even registered who you are personally. She simply CANNOT let anyone, even you, get close to her.
Protect yourself, for now and for the future.
Carol

melzmom
Posts: 47
Joined: Apr 2002

Hi board:

I posted this message in error. It isn't complete. I was having one of my sleepless nights and was playing on the computer. My story did have a point other than a story. Thank you for responding to my message. Mine was soooooooooo long. LR

melben111
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2002

First I want to say how sorry I am that you have to go through all of this. Cancer is bad enough, family problems are horrible when piled on top of it. No one knows you like you know yourself so you need to do whatever will make you feel comfortable and "guilt-free" and health and whole in the long run. Perhaps it means trying to reconnect with your mother one more time. Perhaps it means distancing yourself from her. Perhaps it means forgiving her. Only you know what you really need to do. Trust yourself to do the right thing. I know for myself, the right thing is usually the hardest thing so perhaps that will be a clue for you as well.

I do note from your message that you have tried to reach out to your mom in many different ways with the same result...being attacked verbally. Perhaps it is time to change that approach. Just because someone gave birth to you, it does not make them your mom. That title is earned and it sure doesn't sound like your parent has earned that title. Give yourself a break,luv. Perhaps (and this is only a suggestion, again you will know what is best) you could write her a letter saying the things you need to say. Tell her you are sad for her about her diagnosis, but sadder still that she has been unable to connect with any of her children in a meaningful way. Tell her that you are available for her (if that is true) if she wants a loving, kind, caring relationship, otherwise, you will be unable to speak to her.

Again, whatever, it is YOU need to do to make this good for YOU, do that.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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