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HELP!!! Doing GREAT but back to work is a whole other story....

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Has anyone else experienced this?? or can you relate?? I've been on leave since my biopsy in January, I have completed my treatment and now over the last few weeks I've been coming into the office a few days a week in preparation to resume a full time schedule. I'm not even sure what is wrong, but I just don't feel like I fit in here anymore. I can't put my finger on it, but somehow, I am not feeling good about being here. These feelings are also sending me into a bit of a depressed mental state. A problem I have not had at all until now. It is just driving me crazy because I am thinking this whole mess is over, I am fine, time to resume life..... but its not happening.... What am I doing wrong???? HELP!!

martyzl's picture
martyzl
Posts: 196
Joined: Jun 2002

Wow Lyn! I have heard that this can happen but it surely doesn't make it easier, does it now?!?
I am following hot on your trail, dx'd in May, Tram in July, supposed to be back to work in a couple weeks! Ha!- Ha!!! I say!... what with the chemo crawl I had this week, cannot even imagine it. Stinky part is, financially, it might be a good idea for me to get back to work... *rolls eyes*

Lyn, I don't think you are doing a THING wrong.. geez girl, be easy on yourself! You are a warrior, survivor, wonder woman... the rest of the world will just have to adjust to your needs/wants/desires. Right? *smiles*

We'll get through this and follow in other's paths, straying to make our own paths. We shall thrive.

On a more practical note (not one I am particularly famous for, mind ye'!)... how is your diet? Are you exercising comfortably? Are you sure you want to return to THAT particular place to work?!?
Personally, I am not sure on the last one... There are all these caring folks who've been so good but the politics and crap are not necessary in this "new" life and attitude... ye' know what I mean?!? *smiles*

Now Lyn, go outside, take a nice walk with your daughter and breathe. Thrive!!!
Much love,
Marty

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Thanks for all the words of encouragment, Marty! You seem like you have it together. Two bigs bumps in front of me now. 1) get back to work 2) get back to working out. Yes, I used to work out 3-5 times per week. But unfortunately, I have not been able to get my energy back. I tried during Chemo, but a half hour work out would zap me for most of the day, so I backed off. Then I started bike riding, had a bike accident and now I am not riding either. Maybe I'll try to get to the fitness center this weekend. I know it will do me good. Possibly back to work/school/regular schedule will help me back into the gym as well. I always feel great after a work out! You asked about diet. I always had a good appetite when I wasn't nauseated ( which was about half the time) I am a vegetarian but I've managed to gain back every pound I lost after the surgery so I'm not starving! I have a terrible problem with ice cream. I indulged on the stuff constantly!! "Oh you poor sick puppy, have a little more chocolate syrup on that triple scoop sundae!" I know I said that more than once!!

Thanks for the good thoughts. Wish me luck next week. First full days, tues-fri, Yikes! !

How are you feeling today? You just started Chemo, right?

Take care of yourself!

Lyn

jmears
Posts: 270
Joined: Jul 2001

Hey lyn210! I worked throughout my treatment but I know what you mean about not fitting in. In my office we all really get into new projects and ideas and it pumps us up ... while I was going through cancer treatment nothing really got me excited ... I went through the motions. I went into depression not just about work but about my whole life. I actually discovered I may have had other depression episodes that I didn't need treatment for. Anyway I did seek treatment because my misery was wearing off on my family and I had no desire to do ... anything ...even though I was doing things. I take anti depressants and am feeling great. I like my work again and get joy out of lifes little things. So ... maybe seek professional help ... this kind of life change can cause a typically happy person to have depression ... Hang in there and good luck. Jamie

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Yes Jamie, I know what you mean. Its great you found a treatment that is helping you. My dr has offered help in the way of prescriptions but since I had been doing so well up to now, I was trying to give things a little more time to get better on their own before getting into a drug therapy regime. I am hopeful that next week, my daughter starts school and I will return to a full work day so things will seem more "normal". More normal than they have been since Christmas! Thanks for the good thoughts!

Take Care of yourself!
Lyn

bullfrog13's picture
bullfrog13
Posts: 216
Joined: Apr 2002

dear lyn210. I worked during my whole treatment, ( i went back to work the day after bioopsy-had to - bills to pay ya know) was off almost 3 months right after surgery (thank goodness for disability insurance) and yes i felt like everyone was ''looking'' at me .. trying to see if they could '''tell'' which breast it was... .. i felt like a freak on display, but it passes, acully the worst part was coming to work either bald or in wig.. depending on how hot it was or what mood i was in... ''everyone come see the cancer freak at the front dest" is how i felt, but everyone was wonderful, and it was mostly my imagation. I work in an office full of men and all most eveyone of them went out and shaved thier heads the day after I came in bald- i didnt realize how much they loved me till i went thur this- Im sure what you are experiencing is just breaking you ''stay home'' routine-- all well be ""NORMAL"" agian soon!

much luck
JB

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Thanks JB, Yes, people do tend to stare there a lot, don't they. They probably don't mean it, they are just curious and concerned, and as you say, harmless. You are certainly right about the wig. Cute that they shaved their heads. I am hopeful that next week, with school starting and our regular schedule getting into full swing, soccer, girl scouts, etc. things will start to fall into place for me. If not I'll probably be a real basket case by next weekend. Thanks for the good thoughts. Take Care
Lyn

shirlann
Posts: 235
Joined: Oct 2001

My dear sister. You fit in just fine. You are not exactly the same person that left in January. Think Vietnam vet, you have been through a traumatic stress syndrome. You will take time to recover. All the people seem silly and vapid. If you continue to feel blue, try anit-depressants. They are not addictive and take 3 to 6 weeks to work. When you feel like yourself again and get your feet back under you, you can slowly stop them, no problem. The whole mess is over. But, you know this on an intellectual level and your body will decide this in its own sweet time. It takes about a year. So try not to worry, what you describe is so very common. Does not make it any easier, just so you know you are alone in these feelings. But they WILL go away. Gentle hugs, Shirlann Almost 4 years NED

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Thanks Shirlann, I know what you say is true. I have had the dr offer drugs but I was figuring I could do this all on my own, afterall, I made it this far without any help of that kind. I am hoping that with the start of school on Monday for my daughter and my return to full work days on Tuesday, that this return to normal schedule will help to make thing easier for me. Its good to know I am not alone! Thanks again. Take Care.
Lyn

kathie9
Posts: 23
Joined: Feb 2002

Hi Lyn...I was off work 8 weeks last year then went back part time for 3 months working half days. This all the time I was bald. Only wore the wig 2 times to work...then it was hats every day. The first few days back were rough but then things returned to normal. I think my attitude made all the difference with everyone at work. they saw that I didn't treat my job or even myself any differently. If they know you are willing to be open to talk about about what you went through it helps. People are really curious but sometimes afraid to ask direct questions. They were always surprised by my collection of hats. I live In Pittsburgh so on some Fridays it was black & gold day. Those days I wore my Steeler tossle cap and everyone appreciated my sense of humor. It is our attitude that makes the difference.......not theirs. You're not doing anything wrong...just give yourself time to readjust.

lyn210
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

Thanks for the encouragment, Kathy. I am trying a new attitude today at work, so far so good. The biggest problem is that I have been gone for 7 months and I work in the medical technology field so in the time I've been gone many changes have occurred. It is like I just started working here, when actually I trained everyone who works in this office. I am trying!!!
Take Care, thanks!
Lyn

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