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divorce after cancer

karieallen
Posts: 23
Joined: May 2002

I am looking for support going through a divorce... I am almost 2 years cancer-free. and I did well through treatment..I changed so much through my experience that my marriage of 15 years did not survive...
has anyone else gone through this?...

rajane
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2001

I went through a similar situation, except that we were together for 10 yrs - 7 of them post cancer. One day I just realized that I hadn't ever dealt with my cancer, so I started to face it & heal mentally. My husband did not see the importance of what I was doing, and it ended up being a wedge between us that finally caused me to leave. Cancer changes you. It changes the way you look at life, and deal with issues. I've had to accept that some people who were in my life before, don't fit anymore. I know that I made the right decision though, because I'm happier than I've ever been before.

snarty
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2002

YES! I had the same experence. My xhusband wasn't supportive through any of my illness. I f you want to chat...my name is Debbie

karieallen
Posts: 23
Joined: May 2002

Debbie - thanks for your response.. I would love to chat...! this is such an emotional time, and yet I know that I will be better off...yet it is hard to disintangle after 17 years together...but Dave and I are on different paths totally....

I am grateful for my health and all of my friends during this time.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Dear Karie Allen,

I was diagnosed with teratocarcinoma, a form of testicular cancer, in 1980; completed chemotherapy in 1982; separated from my ten-year marriage in 1984; and, divorced in 1985.

Cancer changed us. I no longer desired the life that we had planned together. My wife saw cancer as a temporary distraction from what she believed was important. To be fair, I really did not care about my wife's problems. After all, I was the one with cancer!

There are a number of organizations which assist people through the process of healing following divorce. Your place of worship, community mental health center, or chamber of commerce can probably direct you to a comfortable group close to home. I found the Phoenix Ministry of the Catholic Church and Helpmates of the Lutheran Church.

My prayers are with you.

maneely
Posts: 5
Joined: May 2001

Yes! I went through a similar experience. I had always heard that cancer is a catalyst that would either destroy or strengthen a relationship. It changed me and brought into focus issues of importance that probably would have emerged eventually. My partner wanted to go into 100 percent denial mode -- pretend the whole thing never happened. Cancer is such a life-changing event, I was unable (and unwilling) to let that happen.

After the divorce, I moved to Arizona and began a new phase of my life. It's been scary, but also exilharating. Here I am, in my mid-40s, without a life partner and my children nearly grown and about to leave the nest. In many ways, I feel happier and emotionally stronger than ever before in my life!

But there is no denying that I can feel lonely from time to time. Yes, I have friends and acquaintances.... but I would love to connect on a deeper level with someone. Singles groups seem to have so many self-absorbed people who are focusing on all the unimportant details in their lives! Sometimes I think it would be great to have a singles group for those who have survived cancer. I don't know of any such group, though...

I wish you the very best. Draw on your inner courage, your faith, supportive friends and family. May you enjoy many years of health and happiness!

Pen
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2002

I'm new here and am going through breast cancer for the 2nd time. I've been married for 10 years. My first onset was in 1998. I'm having trouble with my husband not being supportive. His biggest hang up is having "other men (which are my doctors) putting their hands on my wife's breasts." My God, this is horrible for him to think that way. He wants me to find female doctors, have female techs and female nurses. Well I can't control what qualified medical personnel are in my city. He yells at me every time there's a male medical personnel in with me. What did he do? Did he touch you? Why didn't you ask for a female? I've got enough on my mind worrying about fighting this awful life changing situation without having him put more pressure on me. I love him very much and have always supported him 100% with his decisions. And get aload of this....our family doctor is female! HA! I have 10 more radiation treatments. I'll be done the day before Christmas. After the first of the year I'm considering taking my 9 & 10 yr old boys and leaving him. But, I have no job, no car and no money. What can I do? I'm so scared!!! Can someone please give me some advice? My husband is a very jealous and possesive man. Although I've never given him a reason to be jealous, that is exactly what he's acting like and I can't take it anymore. I deserve so much more. I'm a very devoted wife and mother. But through the years he has changed me. I'm no longer outgoing and peppy like I used to be and I miss my old self. Please, someone, help me!!!

vicmier
Posts: 10
Joined: Apr 2002

I was not married, but my girlfriend of almost 2 years left me because of my changes. It can not compare, but its still hurts. Everything was great between us, but it started when I would tell her not to show up on my chemo days. She would show up at the clinic, if not there at my house. I just didnt want to be seen. I was not going thru depression, but just didnt want to be seen. She wanted to be there for me, baby me, like if I had a cold, but this isnt a cold! She would listen, so I got rude, then she wouldnt understand why I was being rude. Whas I wrong for doing that? The best way she could of helped me is by leaving me be. I guess she took it the wrong way cause on my good days she wouldnt come around. I told her thats when I needed her, but I guess its one of those things that it cant be one way then change it the next. Chemo is a wicked thing, it changes a person. She never understood. Not untill I was all done with the chemo did she come around again, but my love for her was not the same. How could someone leave you when you most needed it? Did I really drive her away? I was just coping.

julieanne
Posts: 12
Joined: May 2002

Hi Karie,
I wasn't married when I got my cancer, just finished treatment 01/2002, but the boyfriend did help me through but I think he felt it was his duty more than anything. I found myself needing him and accepting being treated like crap because I thought no one would want me. I finally dumped him and I now find I am stronger. I can't believe what I put up with cause I was so insecure. I take each day at a time and have faith in God instead of a man to take care of me. Some things are meant to be and maybe your situation was. You are a beautiful survivor and it takes a REAL MAN to love someone like us. Get a kitty or something, they love you unconditionally...Take care..Julieanne

jo anne
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2000

I too am in remission 2 years. I am 61 and can tell you cancer played havoc on our marriage after remission also. 41 years we are married but no question cancer is a family disease. We are surviving it, but it is rough. It takes its toll on marriage I believe because the caregivers just don't get it. I don't know what the answers are. More education for the family perhaps.
God bless you. jo anne

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