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Having a hard time

momof2
Posts: 81
Joined: Jun 2001

Well, as many of you know, I've been having a rough time with my husband. Just as I have finally accepted the way things are, my husband is having second thoughts about things. He is getting so jealous of some the things I have been doing, like going out with my friends, which some of them are men and just having fun and moving on. He did go out on a date himself last Sunday and that was really hard on me. I am now into easier treatments and am returning more to the way life used to be, although I know that it can never be the same again. I am going to see my plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstruction which is goingt o start befort he end of the year. He really wants to go with me and I have told him no. I am so confused right now. He wants to go to counseling, but won't guarantee me anything from it. Why does he have to do this to me just as I have started to accept things. I've found a job and am really excited about it, the only problem is that it doesn't have health insurance, which we all know we can't really afford to be without it now! Not sure what to do with everything. Just needed to vent I guess and get some great advice from some great women! I am so scared that he is going to decide to work things out and that just when I think that things are going well again, he'll leave! And the whole date thing with another woman after he has only been gone 2 weeks really bothers me as well! I've gone on long enough! Thank you all for letting me vent and get some of my frustrations out once again! God bless you all!

Carrie

shirlann
Posts: 235
Joined: Oct 2001

Hi, Carrie, this is a tough one. Maybe you could really use a counselor on this one, I am inclined to tell him to just wait until you get through this ordeal, and then you can go to counseling, etc., and re-evaluate. But that is easy for me to say, I don't know either of you. Does he love you enough to wait? It's easy to say if he doesn't, who wants him, but I wouldn't worry too much about the one quick date, maybe he decided it wasn't as much fun as he had imagined, being a bachelor. Remember, he too has had a lot on him, nothing like your ordeal, but a lot, still. Also, another thought, just be kind, as good as you can be, and tell him you aren't in the emotional state to make any decisions right now and his "betrayal" which is what it is, is really hurtful and you can only handle one thing at a time. I don't know, what a mess! But buck up, dear girl, we all love you! Shirlann

czarniak
Posts: 9
Joined: Sep 2001

Carrie,
I'm sorry for all the turmoil you are going through. You must still have feelings for your "husband" if you got upset about his dating. No one can ever guarantee anything in life, but if you and he are willing to go to counseling, you should give it a try. What it may do if help both of you understand what is the underlying cause of your problems. There are also a great many books that your therapist may recommend. I know when I went through a divorce a couple of years ago I read a book with a title like, Too Good to Go, Too Bad to Stay. It helped me decide if the situation I was in was tolerable. I ended up leaving, but there were still times when I was very angry and sad.

Regarding your employment opportunities. If you are currently on your husband's health insurance that will continue until you are no longer married. Afte that time you can extend the insurance for a fee through COBRA. You don't want to have a lapse in your insurance comverage because of your conditions. Many insurance carriers won't cover pre-existing conditions if there has been a break in coverage. The COBRA coverage can be continued for up to 18 months. That way you might be able to take the new job and get things straightened out at the same time.

Having been in the personnel field for many years I would recommend that you look at all your options before making a decision. Many companies have an employee assistant program which would be a very low cost counseling option. Again, since it seems that you may not have been employed before, check with your husbands carrier.

Regards,
Kathy

inkblot
Posts: 705
Joined: Jul 2001

Hi Carrie:

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is causing you more difficulties. Remember though, no one can really do anything to you that you don't allow. It's up to us as to how much stress or frustration we're going to
allow another person to bring to us.

I think the answer of what to do depends upon
how you really feel. If you cannot handle
marriage counseling right now, and can't cope with him, then just tell him so. Let him know that it will have to wait until you deal with your health issues and feel stronger, etc..

You said that your husband wants to go to counseling but can't guarantee you anything...try to remember that he wasn't guaranteeing you anything before either. Counseling can reveal a lot of things and it
may reveal that both of you really want to work on your relationship or reveal that one or neither of you really wants to. But if you don't feel that you can handle it just now, tell him and let him know that you are choosing to do what's best for you right now.

Since he chose to leave, he's not really being fair to come charging back in, setting the terms of what "he" wants and not considering what you want or how you feel and how all this coming and going may effect the children.

I hope you don't mind my being frank here but
considering that he ran out on you during such a major crisis, it may be that he just
isn't mature enough or strong enough in his
sense of committment as a husband and father
to hang in there and do what's right.

There aren't any easy answers and every situation is as different as the two individual's involved. Yet, the fact remains that you need all the strength and positive self esteem you can muster to realize your best recovery from breast cancer. His desire to contribute to that,
right now, is questionable, at best.

Take the time to think about how you feel and what's going to be best for you and do it. Without any pressure from him or anyone else. Who knows, maybe he'll choose to go ahead and begin some kind of counseling on his own.

Good luck with your decisions and remember,
above all else, to take good care of yourself, eat properly, get lots of rest and
whatever else has become part of your "war
chest" against breast cancer.

Love, light and laughter,
Inkblot

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