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my dad and his cancer

danyel
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2001

Hi I am a 26 year old step daughter of a wonderful man who is dieing of colon cancer. I am at a loss for what to do or say to my mother and step dad. He has stopped his chemo treatments about 3 months ago and now his cancer has caused another suspected blockage. It is really difficult to see someone who has had such an amazing in fluence on my life suffer in silence. My mother is also a brave one too. She rarely lets her emotions out and yet when she does I am at a total loss for what to say other than I love you. It is frustrating be cause I feel so helpless. They both try so hard to enjoy thir grandkids without letting the cancer be a factor ( the grand children are all 6 and younger) I guess I just hope to meet someone who has had a parent in this type situation. I am so lost in all of this. Mom and Dad do not discuss it with us other than rare bits her and there, I guess the not knowing is the hardest part. Is there anyone out there?????????

apshields
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2001

Danyel, I just lost my Dad May 31 after a short and aggressive bout with prostate cancer that spread to his bones like wildfire. I am older than you but this has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. Yes, you feel helpless and have no control. You probably feel anger (at no-one in particular), denial, frustation and you name it...the feelings fly all over the place. See if there is a Gilda's Club in your area, they are a wonderful cancer support network. My mother also does not show her feelings but I know she is heart broken after 57 years of marriage. If you can find somone to talk to it will ease your own pain. Be supportive of your Mom as much as you can but she will have to work through her own grief also. My heart goes out to you. Losing a father at any age is very painful. Constantly let him know you love him and your Mom too.

danyel
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2001

I keep wondering where the silver lining is to our cloud. It seems like when I think things are looking up we hit major potholes. Today I found out my dad has to start taking morphine because he can't handel the pain anymore. I never really understood how bad the pain was until today. He has been so strong through all of it. Even the months and months of chemo, he never complained. Now he sleeps during the day and struggles with terible leg cramps at night. Grandchildren walk on tip toes through the house and visit grandmaw outside so he can rest. He trys to control is irritation but I know he can't help it. the doctors think that a few rounds of chemo will help make the pain more bearable. I just wonder what will make the pain more "bareable" for my mother....... I am so glad I finally found a place where I can scream at the top of my lungs or just cry and know I am not alone.

marcy's picture
marcy
Posts: 58
Joined: Dec 2000

My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to have to stand back and watch. I was very active with my Daddy and his treatment though. I went to all of his chemo treatments and all of the Dr. apointments. I was there with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week the last month of his illness. Not once did he comlain.
We tried to make his life and "normal" as possible. He did not want us to teat him differently. He did not want to be looked on with pity.
The only advice I can give you is...if he wants to be treated in a normal and customary way. Just do that.
Take your mother aside and tell her you are there for her. (parents try to be so brave for their children so not added stress is there) Just let your Mom know you are there for her. She is suffering as much as your Step Father.
Now is the time to talk. Just tell your Step Father you are there for him if he needs to talk. (he may be afraid to talk to your mom about the uncertain future) Just be as supportive as you can.
God Bless
Marcy

cheriep2001
Posts: 2
Joined: Oct 2001

Hi. I am 28 and my dad has colon cancer with metastesis (is that how you spell it?) to the liver. The doctors have just told him that he is dying. 25 treatments of chemo and an experimental oral medication hasn't made any long-term helps, and he has just had surgery to temporarily fix a bile duct blockage. It IS hard to be an emotional support to people in that situation. My dad does talk about it some, but not a lot. And he puts on a brave front too so you never know if he really is feeling that peppy or if it's all a put-on. I don't have any answers for you, but I am out here and you can e-mail me at cherie@inbox.net if you want to talk. Lots of love and prayers to you and yours!

ceclay
Posts: 5
Joined: Nov 2001

the only thing you can do is to deal with your pain. Talk to him and get all the information you can that you want to know about his life now. Tell him how much he means to you, how he has influenced you and that you will never ever forget him because you won't. That's one promise I can make.

I can only offer you solace by telling you I know what you are going through and I know what worked for me. If you want to check out my web site it's http://oneopinionated*****.com. I kept a diary on-line just before and right after momma died. If you want to read that I will let you. Just e-mail me at ceclay@hotmail.com

I know you are hurting... I'm sorry.

Catherine

Cicely
Posts: 2
Joined: Dec 2002

I see that your message was sent a year and a half ago and if it was sent sooner I would have loved to help you through what you were going through but in June of 2001 I had no idea that my dad was going to die in 9 months. Now you may have different issues but if you still need someone to chat with I am here and also could use some help

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