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Need a Good Dose of Support

vinny
Posts: 46
Joined: Sep 2000

Hi all: Just have a quick minute but where else would I go when I'm feeling so low. Just lost my mom on Wednesday eve. Made it down there just in time (She lives about an hour from me). Left work early to beat the traffic. (God was watching me that day) Really feel bad cause I haven't called her that often, didn't make it a priority to go down there to see her very often, and I never got to tell her how I felt, since she was out of it when I got to the hospital> And if that's not enough, I have to decide to take her off life support!!!!!!! She lives with my younger sister and she was undecided as was my brother. So......Just shoot me now.>>> There laying her out today but I just needed to vent before I head over there. I know in my heart I did everything possible for her before she moved, she lived up here in my town. So why am I feeling so guilty??????
Well I feel better getting it out at least, gotto go now "I hate these wakes". Thanks for listening. vinnie

cruf
Posts: 931
Joined: Oct 2000

Vinnie,I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.Feeling some guilt is normal. I'm sure your mom knew how much you loved and cared for her.It's really hard to make that decision to stop life support but at a time like that, you must have felt that this was the proper thing to do. I'm sure you did this because you felt this is what your mom would want. You're a good daughter.Think about the good times you shared with your mom and don't stress over what you should have done. My prayers are with you and your family. Cathy

tiger
Posts: 292
Joined: Oct 2000

Vinny, I am sorry to hear about your mom. It is tough, but I know what you mean about feeling guilty. It is normal though, we all say that we will visit but get too wrapped up in our own lives and never go. Your mom did know how much you love her though and she will continue to watch over you. When we took my nanny off life support, I threw a fit, she was MY nanny ,I did not want her to go and leave me, but it was her time and letting her hang on in pain was selfish. We let her go, I cried for days, but then after her funeral we sat around reminiciing(?)
and I knew that she would be happy watching over us to see us remembering her with love and laughter rather than with tears. Take care and we will get you through this.
Hugs from Tiger

bdean
Posts: 262
Joined: Feb 2001

Grief is a tough burden to bear--especially in your case with having to make such a tough decision--but I am sure no one wants to be left like that. Do any of us really do as much as we should towards our parents? I am now seeing it in my own son--he has a life of his own and I appreciate that; and do not try to make him feel guilty. I am sure your mother knew that and just wanted you to be happy. God bless. Brenda

blondie
Posts: 21
Joined: Mar 2001

I'm so sorry Vinnie but please stop beating up yourself......I'm sure by now your mother knows your feelings, and most likely knew them all along. Sometimes saying I love you isn't necessary...it's just felt. You had a very hard decision to make, but it had to be done, and you saved her from any more pain, so you should feel good about that. May God be with you and your family...sending you a hug (((((((Vinnie))))))) Your mom is in a better place........but she will always remain in your heart and memory...don't ever forget that. You take care

jeancmici
Posts: 682
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi Vinnie,

You shouldn't feel bad that you weren't as attentive as you might have been with your mother closer. She had to know that you were sick too and needed to conserve your strength. Besides, she lived with your sister - so had family with her.

My mother had Alz's for 7 1/2 years and I said, when she got quite physically sick and was 94, no feeding tubes when they had to get my okay. I felt a bit hesitant but said to the doctor - how do you feel?- and he replied - I'm comfortable with your decision.

I am sorry for your loss. Love, Jean

jeancmici
Posts: 682
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi Vinnie,

You shouldn't feel bad that you weren't as attentive as you might have been with your mother closer. She had to know that you were sick too and needed to conserve your strength. Besides, she lived with your sister - so had family with her.

My mother had Alz's for 7 1/2 years and I said, when she got quite physically sick and was 94, no feeding tubes when they had to get my okay. I felt a bit hesitant but said to the doctor - how do you feel?- and he replied - I'm comfortable with your decision.

I am sorry for your loss. Love, Jean

nancys
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2000

Oh Vinnie, my friend, This seems such an inadequate thing to say, but I am truly sorry for your loss. Our mothers are such a force in our lives that it is hard to say goodbye at any age. I lost my mother in 92 and she was 92 years old. I too, made the decision not to use any life saving proceedures because I had given her a promise that I would not. I will always feel guilt that I did not realize she was dying when she called me to her home. She had been in and out of the hospital many times, with me calling an ambulance for her. When we would get to the hospital, she would just go to sleep and the ER doctors would send us back home. The last time, she called me to come to her house and I drove down, about 1 hour from my house, and I spent the night but did not call an ambulance until the next evening. She was having trouble breathing and I will never understand why I did not realize that she'd had a heart attack. I don't think it would have changed anything but it would have made her feel safer to have been in the hospital. Try not to beat yourself up with guilt about taking her off the life support, instead be proud that you were strong enough to make that loving decision for her. That is what I would want my children to do for me. I will email you. Love and Hugs, Nancy

webaur
Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi, Vinnie.

Please let me add my sympathies on the loss of your mother. Losing a parent isn't easy--even if you are expecting it. I lost my dad 2 years ago and I was mad that I wasn't there when he died. Circumstances---and distance---kept me from getting there in time. I was terribly hurt, but now I know that he knew I was coming and probably wouldn't have wanted me to be there at the end any way. I have felt guilty about not having spent more time over the years since we moved away (14 years) writing him and calling him and letting him know that I loved him. I was fortunate enough to be able to spend about 3 weeks with him caring for him about 2 months before he died. I know that after that time, he knew that I loved him very much. The decisions you had to make were difficult, but I am sure that you did what you felt your mother would have wanted. I know that my father didn't want to have any extraordinary means to keep him alive...what type of life would that have been? I have cried many times since my dad passed away, I spent time with him at the funeral home and went to the cemetary and "talked" with him every time we are there. I think that it is natural to beat ourselves up for not having been more attentive....concentrate on those things that you did do over the years. Remember the good times that you had together.

Hope that this has helped some. Please know that you are in my prayers. May the good Lord give you comfort and peace in the days to come.

Blessings and hegs.....Wendy

sueholm's picture
sueholm
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2000

Vinny: I dont't think there is one of us that loses a parent or a family member who doent feel guilt about something. the more demanding of yourself that you are the more guilty you will feel. had you visited your mom everyday you would have felt guilty over your impatience with her perhaps, or that you burdened her with your troubles. so accept the guilty feeling, but remind yourself that your first obligation has always been to look after yourself...that became your job once your mother finished hers of raising you. As for not telling her how you felt, do you really think a mother doesnt know? My sons dont make me a priority...they have their lives to lead and that is the way i want it to be for them...but if i die, I die in the knowledge that they love me greatly, as your mom died knowing that you did. Love susan

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

Dearest Vinnie,
I was sorry to hear about your mother. It was a difficult decision you had to make and with time you will know you did the righ thing. My prayers are with you and your family. 24242 Tara

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