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Bummed Out!!!

webaur
Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Hi to all!!!

Just need to vent my disappointment. I was to have my third dose of A/C tomorrow morning, but my blood counts today were too low for them to proceed. My white count did not show enough "mature" cells to be able to withstand the treatment. I should be back to normal by next week, so I will have the third A/C on April 3. After that, I will have to go in for a daily injection of Neupogen to get my old bones working harder to produce the requisite number of mature white blood cells so that my next chemo will be done on time. THIS little development sets my whole treatment off by a least a week!!! DARM #&@*#&%@#!!!

Also, why is it that children know just how to get your blood boiling? I have been trying to stay pretty much on an even keel since the diagnosis--you know less stress is better for the immune system and all. But I wonder, am I in denial or have I truly accepted this battle? Anyway, my lovely second daughter (who is VERY opinionated!!) decided that she would start to make less than desirable comments about some of the spring sports teams at her high school while we standing in a rather long line with some of the students and families who participate in them to get dinner. (The school holds a Tri-Tip Dinner three times a year to raise money for the different sports teams.) Incidenatly, my children are swimmers. My daughter was complaining about the long line (she had to be to her babysitting job before 7 PM) because the swim team was told to come at 6:15 PM and the teams who were told to come later were there when the swim team was to be. Some day that mouth of hers will REALLY get her into trouble!! I got very upset and told her to watch what she was saying so as not to offend any one, but she didn't care. I almost walked away from them and came home I was SOOOOO MAD!! I told her that I didn't want to stand there and listen to it---she was too smart mouthed and said that she didn't care who heard her. Typical 15 year old temperment!!! This daughter has really been great through all of this, but sometimes.......!!!!

I hope that this makes some type of sense....it is late and I am tired and my eyes are really bothering me tonight. I, too, believe that I am coming down wtih a cold. When I talked with my onc. nurse today, she said that taking some Dimetapp will help to open the passages from eyes to ears to nose to throat. It has helped, but my eyes still feel like they are glued together when I close them for a while and there is a film covering them so that I cannot see as well.

I believe that I have gone off long enough, again. I guess that I am just feeling a bit blue because of the delay in my treatments....and also because it feels like my pastor--and others--have forgotten about me. He is so positive that I am going to be fine, that perhpas he just doesn't think of me as needing prayers anymore. I know that I am just tired and not really seeing the whole picture, but you begin to wonder when he doesn't pray for you in front of the congregation any more!!! I know that this isn't the case, but I do feel so down right now. Sometimes it just doesn't seem like it is worth it. Just, please, keep me in your prayers that my blood counts are up by next Monday and that getting these shots won't hurt too much (I hate shots!!) and will help to boost the blood counts!! And also that my spirits will lift. I did go shopping today and purchased some good, upbeat praise and worship music. Can't wait to play them tomorrow!!

Thanks for listening and for being here for me. You are all blessings to my life and please know that you are all in my prayers tonight---and every night. God bless you all and hope you have a good day tomorrow!!!

Blessings and hugs......Wendy

nancys
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2000

Wendy, We all get the "bummed out syndrome" at one time or another. Don't stress about this 1 week delay in your treatment. WHATS ONE WEEK in this total picture. The important thing in all of this, "that the treatment KILLS THE CANCER !!!!." So it takes a week longer. Your white count will be fine next week, it takes about a week to rebuild. I am set back about 2 weeks in treatment. One reason is I put off 1 treatment for 4 days so I could enjoy Christmas, before the next treatment, and the other week was lost due to a cold. But I am still through the chemo part of this plan and will start the radiation in 1 month. I know you were a little angry with your daughter, BUT, being outspoken is not a bad thing. I wish I had some of her spunk. I am the type of person who allows someone to cut in front of me at the checkout without saying anything...I hold my distress inside. It's a healthy thing for her to voice her opinions as long as they are not hurtful to someone else. I think sometimes we are wearing our hearts on our sleves right now. This morning, Ray took an article from the paper to work about a store here in Kansas City that had been open for a long time. It was a family owned business and the family is one of his co- workers. Before leaving the house, we were talking about my Doctor's appt yesterday and I told him there is research now on shutting down the hormone that feeds the tumor ( different from Tamoxifen) and Ray said," Oh there was something in this morning's paper about that." Right away I got my feelings hurt because he thought the grocery store article was more important to save out than the article on cancer research. I did not tell him that, but I think he just ignores my cancer most of the time. It has not changed his world at all. But he does run errands for me and will rub my back. I read that a 15 minute back rub everyday will boost the immune system. He does not do it every night but I talk him into it about 3 nights a week. Wendy we are going to get through this difficult time. I will tell you about a "feel good" experience I had yesterday. Another patient in the treatment room and I began talking and she told me that I had made her feel so much better, just talking. She had come in feeling down and we started a conversation and she felt better. I could have cried. To help someone else is the best gift we can ever give to one another. You give that gift to all of us everyday, in the posts and in the chat. I have received that gift of friendship from so many here at this site. It has been the crutch that has gotten me this far. Hope to meet you in the chat again soon, Love and Hugs to you, Nancy

webaur
Posts: 114
Joined: Feb 2001

Thanks, Nancy!!

I think I know just how that patient you talked with yesterday felt. I was still down, but as I read your reply, I began to feel a bit better. THANK YOU!!! I am still a bit down, but I think that it is due more to the fact that my eyes are still bothering me.....I think I have Pink Eye (my eyes are real watery and I have dried up goop in them when I wake up and try them). Luckily, I have some drops and have started on them!! Except for my eyes, I am feeling better physically--it doesn't hurt to swallow any more.

Thanks for being here!! It really is good to know that even though I feel like I am going this alone, I know that I'm not really alone---not as long as I have you and the rest of the ladies here to turn to when the going gets tough.

Well, I had best go. I am getting a great deal of amusement watching my oldest (18) who has a few more days left on spring break before she goes back to school playing with the baby--who is trying to learn how to crawl!! Children really are wonderful and I love mine all very much---wouldn't trade a one of them for anything!! When I find a picture I like of all of my children, I will figure out how to put it on my web page and share my treasures with everyone!!!

Thanks, again, Nancy for the lift. I really needed that!! I know, what's one week when you are talking 8 months of treatment? It is just disappointing--I had hoped to get through all of this without any problems and now I have to go in for a daily shot to get my body to do what it is supposed to do anyway!!! (I just hate shots!!) Makes me wonder what else will go wrong.... Well, as my husband would say---don't borrow trouble. Stay positive!! I am trying, but it is so hard to do at times.

Well, again, I seem to have turned negative and am rambling. All I really meant to do was say "Thank You!" for the reply and the boost. I am so glad I can call you my friend. Not sure when I will get back into the chat room--probably next week after my treatment. I think that I shall use these extra few days to be with my daughter before we take her back to school and also to get some cleaning done---and the Income Taxes. (UGH!) I will check the board daily, though. Hope to talk with you again in the chat soon--how about Monday AM?

Better go. Thanks, again.

Blessings and hugs....Wendy

sueholm's picture
sueholm
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2000

Wendy: sorry to hear of the delay. I too have a delay with radiation...three weeks...becasue i was not sufficiently healed from mastectomy. My main concern is that this will now interfere with planting my garden! and my garden is very dear to me,,so I can certainly relate...I found as long as everything was going as planned..no matter how horrible..I was fine...so I have had to do quite a bit of talking to myself these past few days. I wouldnt worry about your daughter being loud and opinionated...the world will take care of that..you dont need to do a thing. I find it helpful to ask my self, what would I do if it were anyone else? that way, I dont let myself feel responsible for any of my children's behaviour. She is making her own mistake...one day she will figure out how to disagree without being disagreeable...just let her suffer the consequences and she will figure it out sooner. Also, the more you confront...the harder for her it is to change and save face at the same time...hope something here helped...if not...read another message! love, susan

bdean
Posts: 262
Joined: Feb 2001

Dear Wendy:
You are entitled to feel bummed out every once in a while. We all do, cause this is a heavy burden to carry. That is what is so great about this site, we can rant and rave if we need to, without fearing upsetting our family or friends--who love us--but just cannot understand what we are feeling. You are in my prayers, and remember God has a very long memory--prayers are good for more than a week or two! God bless you. Brenda

murphy
Posts: 45
Joined: Sep 2000

Dear Wendy, We have not talked before so please let me introduce myself, I'm Murphy.I just read your post about being bummed, I know how anxious you are to keep on track and get your treatments behind you, but getting off track is not unusual (but still disappointing) and it is best to get your counts up so you don't end up in the hospital. I had the Neupogen shots, a series of 10 shots everyday after each treatment (I mean 1 shot a day for 10 days) and believe me I am the worlds BIGGEST BABY when it comes to needles but they really were not bad and they did help to keep my counts up. Have you talked to your Pastor and let him know you are feeling down and would really appreciate being lifted up, sometimes we are so busy putting on a brave front for everyone and they really don't see our fears and discouragement. I sure hope you feel better soon and can get back to your treatments, this will soon be behind you. Oh as for you daughter, I have no words of wisdom....I have 2 boys!! But she sounds pretty normal to me.. :-) Blessings to You. Murphy

cruf
Posts: 931
Joined: Oct 2000

Hey Wendy. Boy can I relate to your problem with your 15 yr. old! I have the same problem with mine.. They are so self centered. They don't care what they say and who they may hurt.I'm beside myself. I certainly didn't teach her to be that way! NO RESPECT!!! Everybody tells me it will get worse before it gets better! Thank god she's a good kid that does well in school and can be trusted!
Sorry you've been sick. I wondered where you've been the past week. Consider this a minor setback! You're a strong woman and will move on!I'm sure your pastor hasn't forgotten about you. I'm sure he sees how well you're doing and doesn't feel he needs to constantly intervene. I'm sure if he knew you needed him he would be there. As far as prayers, Everybody is praying for you! Feel better! Take a deep breath , close your eyes and relax! E-mail me whenever you want. I'm always here! Cathy

judyd
Posts: 130
Joined: Nov 2000

Hi Wendy, I will continue to keep you in my thoughts & prayers as always with everyone on here. I know things will get better for you. Some days everything just gets to overwhelming. As for your daughter, Im sure she'll be fine. Our daughter never gave us trouble but our son was something else when he was around 15. There is hope, he is now 27 and you couldn't find a more caring & considerate person. He has been so great, calling me all the time just to make sure his Mom is okay. As someone else said, I think we carry our feelings around on our shoulders. I just went to NM for a visit with my Mom & sisters. I am the baby of the family & believe me they always babied me. This time no one said to much about my cancer or anything. It really hurt my feelings. It's not that I just want to dwell on what I have been through but sometimes you just need to talk. I'm sure they are just glad I am okay. Sometimes I think people just don't know what to say so they say nothing. Anyway, I hope you get to feeling better. I thought last week with the nice warm weather we would all start to feel better. It has turned colder here(inTexas)and we even had some snow flakes yesterday. I am ready to get the garden & flowers going. We went & bought plants today. Now if it will just clear up so we can get them planted. I love working outside. It is good therapy for me. Take care of yourself. Things will get better. Judy

confused
Posts: 53
Joined: Jan 2001

Hi Wendy,
As soon as I read your note I called my mom (I'm 33) to apologize (again) for all of those "teen moments" I put her through at that age! She just laughed and said " Diane , don't be silly" , "I know you love me, and it was all apart of growing up". Then she chuckled and reminded me that my day is coming (actually its here) , as my daughter just turned 12,AND just started her period !
Talk about mooooody!!!!!!
I know that was probably too much information,but had to share ,,,,,,,because I know my mom is amused , just as you will be when your daughter is grown and and has a daughter of her own! (ME TOO)
Take Care ,
Diane

judyd
Posts: 130
Joined: Nov 2000

Hi Diane, we do pay for our raising don't we? That's what our son has said about having kids of his own. He is real afraid they may act like he did growing up.HA!HA! If his kids turn out like him & our daughter though as adults they will have it made though. Our daughter has two little girls. She has already figured out we weren't as dumb as she thought we were at times. The older she gets the smarter we get. Good luck to you & your daughter. I am glad those years are behind us. We had our kids when we were very young & it's a good thing. It is nice to have grandchildren though. You can enjoy them & then send them home to thier parents.HA! Judy

confused
Posts: 53
Joined: Jan 2001

Amen to that judy...Amen!
Diane

luella
Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2001

Hi Wendy,

I know exactly how you feel. I just found out I have to go for shots for 5 days in a row. My next treatment is next Tuesday and I will have to go again for 5 more days. Unfortunately, the hospital is 30 mile
away. It seems as soon as I lift myself up and feel positive, something like this comes along to knock me back down. I guess its a small price to pay for life. I am only on shot number 3 of ten. The shots make my lower back ache and the Taxol I get next week attack my muscles and nerve endings. I keep telling myself only three more big treatments. After that I will receive Herceptin once a week for a year. Takes about 1/2 hour. No side effects from that. I am getting a little bummed too at this point, but I refuse to let this thing take over my life and get me down. I try to think of myself as a rubber ball and just try to keep bouncing back. I have a teenager and an 11 year old and your right, they can really test you nerves sometimes. Hang in there and just think of all the time you will have after these treatments are over with. God Bless. Luella

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