Mar 21, 2001 - 3:24 am
It is late (as you can see), and everyone is sleeping--even the baby. I am tired, but can't sleep so I have just spent the last couple of hours reading through some of the older posts......my goodness where you have all been and how far you've come. I am amazed and encouraged by all of your writings.
Any way, I am tired, my calves ache, my throat is swollen, and things have been grating on my nerves all day. I just need to rant and rave for a little while.....it really isn't fair to do it to my family, they have been pretty great through all of this, but they just don't understand the full range of emotions like you all do. I find myself wanting to have a good cry, but there is no time for it---even when I do find time, the tears won't come.
When this "beast" first invaded our lives, I swore that I would NOT let it interfere with my children's lives.....I do not want them to put their lives on hold because mommy is sick. I want them to know that I am going to be there for their concerts, swim meets, scout recognitions, etc. So far, I haven't missed one yet---although I wish that I had....I went to my son's Boy Scout Court of Honor about 6 hours after I got out of the hospital---because he was receiving a rank. I guess that I did a good job in this endeavor, because they all seem to operate on the same old premise---mom will take care of it!! They act as if nothing is wrong and don't seem to notice if I don't feel well. Thinngs were so much better right after the diagnosis....everyone was more attentive, etc. I miss that. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and taking care of them is all I really have---I don't work now. I could have some real good pity parties ever day if I didn't have them to do tings for.
My husband hs been my "rock", but I am ready to whack him a good one!!! He sems to have no clue sometimes. He just doesn't seem to understand why I feel the way I do about myself. He really tries hard, and I know that he is hurting, too, with no real support system for him. Does anyone else hate the Victoria's Secret commercials, to watch the love scenes in movies, or even to walk by the lingerie section? I just want to go and hide because I am so ashamed of and embarrassed by my appearance. When does the feeling of self confidence return? Am I too obsessed with my appearance? I am also sick of hearing my husband complain about being tired, hurting joints, etc. He is about 100 pounds overweight, has high blood pressure, and a bad leg from a blood clot he got about 7 years ago. All things that he can change through exercise.....he even had a great start on it before I because ill. He hasn't exercised in the 2 months since my diagnosis. I am really afraid he is going to drop dead on me!!! What can I do? Any mention of his weight or his exercise and eating habits just starts a fight, so I don't bug him about it.
Well, I guess I have rambled on long enough about all of this. Not even sure if it has made any sense. Thanks for listening and for being here for me to let it all out!!! I hope that everyone has a good day today and that the sunshine brings everyone renewed energy and hope for the day.
Take care and God Bless.....Wendy