Cancer Survivors Network - Surviving Caregivers - Comments

stupid comments

gwhite — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 07:53:56 -0500

Panks, this little post of yours is profound in its implications. I am an 80 year old survivor of metastatic kidney cancer, having at one point 15 years ago been told that I had only 3 more months to live after multiple surgeries and 8 solid months of failed teatments that was worse than the disease. As bad as that experience was, it was nothing to compare with having to stand by helplessly and watch as my loving wife of 50 years was dying from what was another of those medical mistakes that rank #3 in the cause of death stats.
My grieving process was long and drawn out and full of anger and self recrimination as I continually rehashed all the things that I could have done differently that might have changed the outcome. Making matters far worse and helping to keep me in that swamp was what seemed like a continuous litany of what you so accurately refer to as "stupid comments". I remember one in particular when, after I had finally agreed to go to a grief counselling session. I was met at the door by this well meaning staffer who flippantly asked in the parlance of out times, "How are you doing?" I immediately replied, "Do you think that if I were doing worth a damn that I would be here? What about words like hello and welcome" as I turned around and left.
For the past 15 years, I have maintained a pro bono web site; (www.cancerwarsmaarsjourney.com ) to enable people to still beat their cancer even after medical treatments have failed and we have been successful in a substantial number of cases. I also write cancer articles on the Exine Articles and your post has convinced me that "stupid comments" is a much needed topic for general discussion - not so much to the cancer population but to their friends and well wishers who often make insensitive comments because they simply do not think through things they say.

Lucy

sue5749 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 19:21:51 -0500

It's been one week since the passing of my husband it's all so new to me. I am grieving so much Don't know what to do. He was my rock. I am so lonely and scared. But the only think I do know is we have to go on tell it is our TIME, LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!

Not Fair

lifeisntfair — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 05:49:48 -0500

A lot of people have experienced this great loss but like I said its not fair and every little thing reminds me of her and its hard to sleep at night. One of my friends who lost their mother to cancer said things get better with time unfortunately I hate when people tell me that because I know for me it wont, the grief will always be there and I know thats not healthy but I can't change how I feel. People can move on but I will never be that happy carefree person.

i lost my mum at 25

naude.karin — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 07:30:32 -0500

hi im 26 and lost my mum on 15 jan 2011, it's a year i would never forget. i thought that if i only make it to jan 2012 i will be ok. people say give time, but i am more and more lost.

just remember you are not alone, i feel your pain daily.

moma

mom1949 — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:15:32 -0500

Cat thank you .I just read your reply.This touched my heart and i know it was meant for me. My name is Catherine but my nick name for many years was Cat. Thank you so much I feel my moms hand was in you reply to me.Thank you again.

Not Fair

grandmafay — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:19:29 -0500

You are right. Life isn't fair, but then nobody ever said it was. I am sorry that you lost your mom. This has got to be a hard time for everyone in your family. Your mother will continue to be with you as long as you remember her and her love. Right now, though, you need to grieve. It is a process and each of us must find our own way. You may need some help, and you shouldn't try to do this alone. If talking with your family is not helping, find a grief group or counselor. Talk with your dr, you may need to take meds for awhile. There is no shame in finding help. Remember, too, that others in your family are grieving. They may grieve differently, but they are grieving. Just as you say they will never understand you, they may feel that you are not understanding them. Also, it is very early in your grief. Time will help even though it may not heal your hurt. Right now it is very raw. Take care of yoursel. It is what your mother would want.

I am so sorry for your loss.

MomsBaby — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:28:44 -0500

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on sept. 10, 2011. She was 48. I will be 22 on the 18 th of this month. She was diagnosed in 2007 and fought a long and hard battle. She was the strongest and the most perfect person in the world! She was a full out christian lady, oh how she loved the lord! But that is what confused me and made me MAD!!! God took that special woman from me, my mama, and wouldnt cure her or let her live just a little longer! Everyone says it takes time but I dont see it happening. I have so much left in my life to do just like you and its like who do I share it with? Yes, I have a wonderful family but they arent my mama. I try to put on my happy face but it is very hard. I come home from work every night and cry my eyes out listening to her sing, I am so glad she had it recorded. But if we hang in there together maybe we can make it!

What can I say! I am in the

misunderstood — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 20:34:18 -0500

What can I say! I am in the same boat as all of you.This is HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You are not alone in your feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I ask myself many times why God did not take me the day my mother died. As a caregiver for my mother, an only child and unmarried life will never be the same. I can't figure any of it out. People just don't understand us because they have their own families and distractions and what are we left with? PAIN!!!!
Each day that goes by is harder than than the day before and time is not making it any easier. Both my parents gone, both dieing of cancer. I always thought I would see at least one of them live to old age. But no. My Father had just turned 71 and my mother just barely 73. I ask myself why me. What did I do to deserve this am I being punished. I truly would have continued to take care of them and I would have gladly traded places with them. To watch them suffer and die is something I replay in my head a million times a day. I just don't know.I never saw myself in this position.

I feel your pain

lifeisntfair — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 04:12:55 -0500

My mom just died this week and my life has changed forever. She had endometrial cancer and I found out less than 5 months ago. As I saw here health slowly deteriorate each month I kept praying she would make it into the new year at least. I spent many days in and out of the hospital, nights in the icu and then the hospice watching her suffering and having to be heavily medicated to remain comfortable. I miss her like crazy and Im only 22. Like you I cant imagine ever getting married now or having kids. I have a younger sister who is 21 and although she is hurting I know she wants to move forward and graduate to make our mother proud. But for me every second I eat or feel a second of being happy I think about how she is not here to spend it with me and it kills me because I rather be with her. My family I feel will never understand nor will my friends even though some of them have lost their mother to cancer and have managed to enjoy life years later I don't think I ever will and I don't know what to do. My Mother was 49 and my biggest supporter. Any thing I did she was proud of and even when we fought she could never stay mad at me for more than a minute. She was always there for me and worked hard to give my sister and I a good life. She was diagnosed last jan and kept it a secret for 8 months because she wanted to protect my sister and I. She is truly an angel and deserved so much more.

Sorry you had to endure that

cosmic_me — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 01:06:14 -0500

Sorry you had to endure that but on the day my mom died I got one comment that may rival that one. This was last Wed morning Dec 14th. I'd just dealt with watching my sweet mother struggle for her last breaths and then in a snap she was gone at 1:48 am. All the waves of emotions are hitting. You have to go through the entire process of contacting hospice then the mortuary and removal of the body. It was horrific to say the least. After all that I decided to get out of the house and go get some pepsi ( my form of coffee ) and so Off I go feeling like complete jelly to the corner store. All the workers there knew my mom had been sick and I was taking care of her. In a way I didn't want to go there because I knew the first question as always was going to be .. How is mom doing? Well that happened. I told them she passed that morning and his response? Are you ready for this one?

He said... To bad she didn't wait til after Christmas. I'm not kidding you. I stood there thinking I'd heard him wrong and I said.. excuse me? His buddy mumbled something to him in Punjabi and he hung his head real low and said he was sorry for the loss. whatever his friend said really embarrassed him. I'm glad. It had to be the single stupidest thing anyone could ever say to me at that point.

moving forward

Noellesmom — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 07:06:33 -0500

I lost my mom in May. This first holiday season has been more quiet and I have had some sad days. I know from your discussion and picture you are quite a bit younger than I (53) and there are no little ones running around my house compelling me to make Christmas a little more merry - good for you! I think it is great you are hosting a big dinner for misfits and shopping for your children and boyfriend! Enjoy your Christmas because I can tell you your mom would have wanted that. If she rasied a daughter who can take this outlook, she would be enjoying Christmas to its fullest.

Cancer sucks but life doesn't have to.

What a dope

MomhasStage4EC — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:55:58 -0500

Some people are just ignorant....serously. Im very sorry for your loss. Tell that person to go fly a kite.

so sad

MomhasStage4EC — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:47:01 -0500

This will be my first Christmas without my mother. Im not taking this very well. But im trying very hard. Last Christmas was the first Christmas I had dinner at my house and my mother came and it was so nice...seeing as im only 32 this was a big thing to start having holidays at my house. I was so looking forward to another go at it...but then she died. I really hopes she sees this Christmas(from heaven) as even though she wont be here, I have invited every misfit I know who doesnt have a place to go for dinner. And this year instead of 13 people there will be 25!. I know that seems like a crazy thing to do, but what the heck else am I going to do. I need to keep my mind busy so I dont drive over a cliff. I bought outragous gifts for my kids, even though they were pretty bad this year lol...I even bought my 10 year old a beebee gun.....Ill make sure he doesnt shoot his eye out, I promise. And my 13 year old a tablet...which I know darn well she will destroy in a week. I bought my boyfriend those expensive concert tickets I always used to say were too unaffordable...fudge it who cares!!!! Im being sued for my moms old house because guess what I was on the deed and she was in foreclosure. So I gave a lawyer 2000 I didnt have right before Christmas because he can take care of it for me...I got a crazy Christmas to attend to.
If this post sounds insane....thats ok. We are here and we are living so thats what I intend to do live it up...I also plan on quitting my going no where doing nothing good in the world job soon too....woohoooo... MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Your situation is very

MomhasStage4EC — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:36:51 -0500

Your situation is very similar to mine. I feel your pain and im so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry. I too am an

MomhasStage4EC — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:34:06 -0500

I am so sorry. I too am an only child. I had to take care of my mother before she died. It was the worst thing I have ever had to do. And im pretty sure the worst thing I will ever do. She was young at 51, it was September 11, 2011 of this year. I will ask you how you are and care about what happens to you. I felt the same way you do right now...why couldnt I just go with her? Why has GOD done this to me...again. I do have children, and I will not compare our situations...they both are terrible. The hospice nurses had pitty for me, I did not want pitty, this poor 32 year old girl. I will email you my private email.
So sorry for your loss Frank, please dont give up, your mother wouldnt want that.
-Mandy