Cancer Survivors Network - Caregivers - Comments

Caregiver Depression

dobber8811 — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 20:44:56 -0500

Trish,

My wife was diagnosed last June after the doctors fumbled with testing for 6 months and 65 pounds of her weight loss. I am the primary caregiver as all our relatives live out of state. My head is in a fog all the time, I can't concentrate at work and am in danger of being let go, I have lost 10 pounds in two weeks, either I can't sleep or I can't get up in the morning, I am trying to get our house ready for sale because of her uncertain future and my possible job loss, etc, etc...life is grand.

I just today went to the doctor myself and was told I am suffering from depression. They described a mild anti-depresent. It took a lot for me to go (I am a guy after all and never go to the doctor) and even more for me to talk about what has been going on with my health and mental state.

It sounds like there are others out there going through similar things.

-Dobber

Hey Kelly

jimwins — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 07:43:42 -0500

I'm proud of you and big hugs coming your way...

Jim

joy to read, I came across

alinsmith42 — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 05:09:20 -0500

joy to read, I came across this site ages ago but I've only just decided to stop back and have a read of your articles. javed chaudhry columns

The guy clearly hates anyone

ezequief — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 04:49:12 -0500

The guy clearly hates anyone or anything that does not follow his american ways and ideologies, a bacon butty and or bacon sandwich whatever you choose to call it is not fattening especially when grilled and it is not a 'fatty slab of meat on a bun' it is really quite thin and not very unhealthy at all, for an american to say this when americans are the kings of fatt shitty meat full of salt and sugar stuffed on a bun served quik on every corner of the continent. Party Bus Charlotte NC

Holiday deaths

Kathryn Struck — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 23:16:48 -0500

Letting a loved one go near to a holiday like Christmas can create some fears that all Christmasses to come will have the sad memories, and that the holiday will be forever be saddened by thoughts of the departed loved one. Especially for children. A peaceful death on or around Christmas day can actually add to the closeness that the family is feeling. This is true, if you can accept that. More people will be able to visit the dying person, thus adding his/her comfort (hopefully). The day may make it possible for the person to make a small rally and enjoy some energy and vitality that will soon wane.

I would rather remember Christmas as a time when My mom passed peacefully rather than remember it as a time we were all anxiously hoping she'd make it through the holidays. And as others have said, people really do pick the time they want to make an exit. It will turn out okay no matter when her time to die has come, if the family can just not worry about the date on the calendar. Good luck and God bless.

Humor

northa914 — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 17:37:07 -0500

Food for thought: I don't have bad hair days anymore because...I ain't got none!!! :D
Really, I've learned that wigs are fun, one day I can be Farrah Fawcett, the next day I can be Joan Jett...and I do believe I've just revealed what era I grew up in! It's so much easier to get ready in the morning, and I save a lot of money on hair products. Don't get me wrong, I do miss my hair, if I didn't, I wouldn't be so vain as to wear a wig. But I can live without my hair, I can't live without my liver, which we're trying to save from metastatic cholangiocarcinoma. If you do decide on giving the ice caps a whirl, I really hope they do the trick! Take care, I'll be rooting for her!

Andrea

Me too

KLScoville — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 09:37:36 -0500

Honey, I lost my husband to Lung Cancer on November 14, 2011 and I am still lost without him. All I do is cry. I do have a grief counselor that comes over once a week and go to grief counseling once a week but all I want to do is sit on my loveseat and cry and that is basically all I do. I have a journal that I write in that I started the day he died and I plan on being buried (cremated) with it. I miss my husband so much. It is not fair and now I have to get use to this now normal and I hate it! But unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about it. All I can do is cry for him, cry cause he isn't here, cry cause it is NOT FAIR! I feel for you. I am sorry for your loss!

Take care!
~Kelly
RIP Mark Scoville 11/14/11 NSCLC with mets

The hardest part

KLScoville — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 09:33:27 -0500

Hi Sue,

I agree with you, the hardest part is the empty house. I absolutely hate it. But to help me through my process of grieving I asked my daughter and her boyfriend to move home. I feel a bit better because they are here. I don't feel so very alone, just "alone". They both have jobs and work late at night. There are days where I don't see them at all but I know their presence is here, just sleeping.

I also started doing "routines". I immediately make the bed as soon as my feet hit the floor. I write in the journal that was given to me by my best friend. I carry his picture around everywhere I go. I have his wedding ring, a black diamond cross and a "broken heart" pendant on a nice chain around my neck. I talk to him constantly, talk about him to anyone willing to listen. There are still days where I don't want to do anything but cry all day. Then there are days when I need to get things done so I cry my crocodile tears in the morning and do my errands in the afternoon. And even while I do my errands I am tearful with emotions. I don't care who sees me. He is the love of my life and he is gone. There are days when I am so numb I can't function. I will never be the same ole Kelly and everyone knows it. They try to be as much comfort and compassionate as they can for not having to experience a loss of a spouse. But as it was said before, everyone grieves different. Not one person will got through it the exact same way. I know of a lady who lost her husband in September (she is in my support group). At the times I saw her she was "a rock" til the last time I saw her, she was a mold of jello. The roller coaster ride that you take will be one of many twists and turns and a few loopty loops. And it is not a fun ride. Only thing "I" can do is hang on tight.

Glad to hear that you are getting some sort of counseling. It has helped me but again, I will never be the "same ole' Kelly".

Take care and God Bless. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets

Thanks

KLScoville — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 09:07:37 -0500

Thanks Sherry and Jim! I have seen those videos and I read the chapters of a book that the grieving support group hands out when I go. Like you all said, everyone grieves in their own and unique way. I am doing the best I can with my new life and it is very difficult. Like I said, I am sad and everyone knows that I am sad. I am not afraid to hide it. When people come to me and ask me what is wrong (if they don't know) I tell them all about Mark. I love talking about him.

I went for a job interview Thursday and mainly talked about Mark. They must of loved the compassion I have for my husband (along with my qualifications for the position). It seems that I presented myself so well and have good qualifications (and great stories about my husband) that they hired me. That is a great accomplishment for me because of the lack of jobs in this area. Prior to my interview I asked Mark to be with me, guide me, help me so that I may get this job. He was definitely with me!!! I know he is watching over me, helping me until we meet again. I will do the best I can until we do meet again.

I just wish that he was here physically so I could get one of his "congrats" hugs. Then we would celebrate the accomplishment. I know he is proud of me, I feel it in my heart (what is left of it anyways, he has most of it!).

Thanks for listening! Take care and God bless!

~Kelly
wife of Mark Scoville RIP 11/14/11 NSCLC w/mets.

Belated sympathies

jimwins — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 07:37:02 -0500

Hi SLG,

So sorry your husband passed away. I lost my sister recently
and haven't been very active on the site.

Hugs and warm wishes during this tough time,

Jim

Read post linked below

jimwins — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 07:34:32 -0500

This has been discussed on this site. Evidently the purpose of the
ice cap is to possibly prevent hair loss. You might want to read the posts
from the link below.

http://csn.cancer.org/node/207126

Clickable Link

Alternatives are to "embrace" the hair loss and work through it.
It's not pleasant to lose your hair (I certainly lost mine)
but you can make it fun with crazy hats, "dew rags", scarves, etc.

Good luck to you and your mom and hugs,

Jim

Hi tnsexton

jimwins — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 07:17:13 -0500

Hi tnsexton,

Thanks for sharing and venting.

I agree with slg in the "you can't go back".
Anxiety and fear have probably contributed to his increased smoking.
Is he on any anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication?
Wellbutrin (anti depressant) has the added side effect that it helps
some people with quiting smoking.

Though he's "cancer free", he's reminded of it 3 times a week when he
gets his shots. I think that would be difficult for anyone.
Maybe counselling would help you both. He's not going to quit smoking until he
makes the decision himself and is ready. I know it's hard for you.

You stated "The more I say something to him, the more he smokes...". Maybe you
can try a different tactic. Pressuring him obviously has the opposite impact.
I wish you luck with this and I'm thankful he's in remission.

Hang in there!

Hugs,

Jim

Hi Kelly

jimwins — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:36:48 -0500

I found this video and website relating to grief in response
to a post I made to someone dealing with the holidays coming up, etc.
on a different board.

Moving on Past Grief:
=====================

Moving on past grief

It covers these topics:

How do I move past my grief in a healthy way?
What is 'journaling' and how can it help me grieve?
What are some common 'triggers' of grief?
How do I get through the holidays without my loved one?
Is it healthy to hang on to my loved one's belongings?
How do I fill the gap my loved one has left in my life?
How long is considered 'too long' to grieve?

The main site below has several topics related to grief/bereavement:
====================================================================

Bereavement

There's no right or wrong way or "normal" time frame in dealing with this
and it's pretty individual. Wiping your tears from here and big hugs
across the Internet...

Jim

Not a bad website re: Grief

jimwins — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 06:29:18 -0500

I found this video and website relating to grief in response
to a post I made to someone dealing with the holidays coming up, etc.
on a different board.

Moving on Past Grief:
=====================

Moving on past grief

It covers these topics:

The main site below has several topics related to grief/bereavement:
====================================================================

Bereavement

There's no right or wrong way in dealing with this and it's pretty individual.
You don't have to dispose of the car right away but it makes no sense to insure
it if it's not being driven. If you have a relative who needs a vehicle, you might
give it to them or sell it very reasonably when you are ready.
Big hugs,

Jim

Hi

Cindy Bear — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 19:19:05 -0500

Barbara, I am so sorry, I didn't realize your mom had passed. My deepest sympathy. I will certainly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I can tell from your posts that you are a strong person. I lost my mom to uterine cancer in June 09 . I still struggle some days, but it gets better and no more suffering for her. Take care.
Cindy