Cancer Survivors Network - My Beloved Wife is Gone - Comments

Six months today

3Mana — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 11:19:09 -0400

I can relate to the lonliness you feel. My beloved husband died 6 months ago today. I still cry if I hear a sad song, or go someplace where we used to go together. Trying to keep busy helps, but when you come home to an empty house the pain starts all over again. We were married 46 years and had known each other since 1st grade, so it's like part of my life is gone. We had a great marriage, 3 wonderful kids & 3 grandsons who miss him terribly. Memories are good to remember, but like you said some lead to sad moments. Guess all we can do is take one day at a time, and if you feel like crying just do it and hopefully some day the tears will dry up. God Bless You!

Hi Grandmafay

sierrareef — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 00:02:19 -0400

Thanks for your reply. I also have a path that sustains me and has been a great comfort during the past few years - even before I lost Valinda. Still, there are those moments of despair when I allow myself to wonder if it all is worthwhile - they don't last long ans they don't occur frequently but they remind me of how everlastng the death of a loved one can be. I walked outside this evening and had an odd thought when I looked in my backyard - almost a feeling like my yard misses her, my home misses her, my car misses her.... What a powerful organ our brain is, one moment saving us, one moment playing with us, one moment bringing us pain. My memories can lead to mournful moments, and then to extreme joy. So, I just allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling while trying to mindful so I can grow from the experience. I wish I knew where it was all going.....

Good

grandmafay — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:33:07 -0400

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Good

grandmafay — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:31:54 -0400

Opps

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grandmafay — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:31:18 -0400

Triple post

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grandmafay — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:30:39 -0400

Double post

Good

grandmafay — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 01:26:08 -0400

It was good to hear from you. This is a lonely time for us. I have a faith that brings me a great deal of peace, but it doesn't take away the hurt. I agree that the idea of living without our loved one for many years is a tough one. After all, we were suppose to grow old together. I try not to think too far ahead. We lost our spouse at about the same time. At times, it feels like just a short time ago. I hate being alone but I am dealing. Fay

Hello Again

sierrareef — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 23:49:00 -0400

I thought I'd come back and visit with others who can understand the loss I'm dealing with. I've been surprised by recent feelings of acute grief, although I shouldn't be. My emotions have been like a small roller coaster ride, but inevitably the depth of my loss rocks me.

It's been almost 11 months since my wife passed away. I try to stay aware of my emotions as they roll back and forth - I try and bring attention to my thought process while my tears are flowing freely and the foreverness of her absence fills me with pain and longing. I don't want to be a prisoner to my grief for the rest of my life so I try to understand it.

She's been gone less than a year, and it's been the most difficult time of my life.

I suffered from pretty severe lonliness before I met Valinda but the lonliness I suffer now is different. I once felt isolated in this world and confused about why I was unable to find the love of my life - with so many people on earth - how could I be alone? I don't feel that anymore, Valinda cured me of that. I met her, lost my lonliness and found a healthy love. So I'm not lonely now - in fact I rather enjoy my many quiet moments. But I do miss her - I am lonely for her and I struggle with knowing that I might have many more years of life in front of me without her. I'm also not a person with a firm conviction on what will happen to me when I die. Will I be reborn? Will I go to heaven and be with her for eternity (that was Valinda's belief). Or is this it and when it's over, it's over? If I only I for sure, maybe it would help...maybe it wouldn't.

My spiritual path requires me to keep searching for my answers through meditation and training. Maybe someday I'll find the enlightenment I seek - until then......?

Peace and well being to you all.

Sorry

grandmafay — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 22:56:14 -0400

I am sorry that you are struggling. I am also glad you have hospice. Remember that they are there for the whole family. Ask them to help you, too.I can understand the feelings you are having now. It is hard to accept that someone you love is dying. We all have mixed emotions then. Toward the very end, I did pray for a quick, peaceful passing, but hope for a miracle is hard to give up. Just keep in mind that healing and curing are two different things. My husband was healed, just not the way I might have wanted. As one of our pastors said, we really are not in charge. My prayers will be with you. Take care, Fay

Soul Mate

007Ross — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 19:05:33 -0400

My sole mate Angeli, is in Hospice care and I feel like I am waiting for her to die at the same time praying for a miricle. She has brain cancer and it has left her unable to communicate with us. We entered the Hospital for a treatment expecting to be home in a week. Instead she has faded in and out. For the last three days she does not communicate with us. The three or four days prior she would nod to us yes or no. It is so hard to imagine my life with out her. Angeli is what I lived for. I am putting my trust in the Lord to help me make it though this very difficult time. Were we suppose to grow gray together and pass away together. I read a story the other day in Readers Digest where an elderly couple were in an accident. When the husband had herd his wife had passes away in the accident, he lost his will to live and passed away a few days later even though he had no serious injuries. I know how he felt. I keep telling myself I need to carry on to make my Angeli proud and to be there for or adult kids. It is just so hard to even imagine that i can return to our home. I know I need help and am hoping I can gain solace by sharing my feeling with others. I Pray for all of you and your families.

I was

angelsbaby — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 16:50:05 -0400

in the 8th grade never had a boyfriend so i would walk to the corner of the school where there was a nursery school and a little hamburger joint next to the nursery school my mother did not drive so i would wait at the bus stop and we would go pick up my brother from the nursery school and then stop and eat at that hamburger place you could only sit outside anyway there was a good looking guy that worked there now i was kind of shy we would just look at each other then look away so this went on for about a month but i would tell my mom ( he is so cute i like him) everyday on the way home i would say that to my mom . well i guess my mom thought she needed to tell him how much i like him and she did i was so mad at her but i did talk alittle to him after that he was just seventeen going on 18 he had a very small motor bike he would pick me up on and i did not know how to kiss and he really wanted to kiss so he waited about 2 months before i gave the tongue kiss but he did love me and my mom and did anything we needed. then he went to the army as soon as he graduated from high school . we were boyfriend and girlfriend by then he said he wanted to marry me i was 16 my mom had to give permission so he came home on leave and got the measels and his stay was extented and we got married. Had two kids 1 at eighteen 1 at twenty and i was done . I have loved him most of my life and still do. just the last 4 yrs we were riding the harley and the red one is his brothers the black one was ours then he got sick and he died i miss him . I hope you enjoyed my story i enjoyed telling it.Thank god for my mother.

michelle

Your picture

watergun — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 09:09:29 -0400

Hi Michelle (Angel's Baby). My name is Marybeth. My soulmate took his last breath May 14th, 2010. I've read everybody's comments,and I identify with everyone's personal story. I'm doing all the same things everyone else is doing....going from room to room calling his name,talking out loud to him, constantly forgetting he's gone and then suddenly remembering, Oh no, he's not home, he's not off fishing, I can't call his cell phone, nothing...then all the pain returns. I could go on and on, but that's not why I'm writing to you. Anyway, I'm touched by your picture with Angel. You two have motorcycle jackets on, and I can see a red motorcycle on the right. I bet you guys had lots of fun riding around. The vibes I get while looking at your picture make me feel warm inside. I clearly see the love and strong bond between you two. If the Hindus have it right about past lives, then I'd say you and Angel had many many past lives together and that's why you married sooo young. It was love at first site I bet. Also, I'm imagining that the banter between you guys was a joy to listen too. I can just tell that Angel was funny and a blast to be with....very handsome too. You compliment each other in every way. Yes, I can tell he definitely is your soulmate, and I wish Bruce and I could have hung out with you. You see, my Bruce was also so much fun to be with. He made me laugh my head off for 23 years. I wish you'd share your story on how you first met and what made you fall in love with him. Everyone likes a good love story. Please tell us.

My Hope for Michelle P

sierrareef — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 03:55:25 -0500

First, thanks to all of you once again for your heartfelt words.

Hansie - It seems there are more women here sharing feelings about their lost husbands and mothers. There aren't too many men sharing their thoughts - thank you for your words.

MichelleP - Your last words sadden me but I can relate to your despair. I hope for an eternal future with my wife as well but I don't wish to say when.

Time is confusing to me right now. My sister-in-law said she felt the world should have stopped when her mother died and that's how I feel. The love of my life was alive one second, but then came the next second. And that second, as well as all the rest, were seconds wherein my wife was no longer breathing, where she no longer had a pulse. It those seconds just kept coming and coming, and then the minutes, the hours, the days...now the weeks...next the months and years.

And I wanted the world to STOP! I'm not ready to just keep going. I don't want the gap between now and when my wife was last alive to just keep on growing. I want it to stop growing. I want to cling to what we had. I want to go back in time and return to being able to hold her.

But time keeps going, widening the gap and dragging me along with it.

I want to honor my wife by continuing to live my life filled with the radiance of our love. I'll try to love my neighbors, my colleagues, my friends, strangers and even enemies. All beings - all creatures. Love is all there is - at least it's all that there should be. Do we all share that now that we've been rocked with the loss of our loved ones?

When I see her next I want her to be proud of the life I lived.

But until then I'll cry, then I'll laugh, then I'll veg-out...I'll sleep, then cry some more. I'll talk to her and hope she can hear me. I'll cry more and tell her how much I miss and love her. I'll work - I'll be storng for her kids. I'll be jovial with the grandkids and answer their questions about where "Nana" has gone.

I liked being Valinda's husband. I don't want to have to stop liking being Valinda's husband.

Forgive me. It's late and I tend to ramble. I'll send some thoughts your way MichelleP - I hope you can find peace here on earth while your husband rests in peace.

I too lost my husband on

MichelleP — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:11:10 -0500

I too lost my husband on 10-13 and it's been beyond words for me since then. I can't sleep...can't eat....I just look for him and talk to him all the time. I have indeed had "signs" from him that he's still with me in spirit I guess you might say. I'm just devastated without his physical presence. There are so many things that need to be done when your loved one passes and it's so darn painful. Just hearing the "D" word is too much for me. Taking care of all the financial things and his personal items, which are numerous, is so hard. I have his pictures placed all over the house just so I can look at his silly smile...he loved having his picture taken.

My heart too is broken.....I just pray to God that as soon as I have things in order that the Lord will come for me too...I want to be with my husband again.

wow

hansie — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:12:35 -0500

seems october was rough on all of us... i lost my wife barbara to sclc on 10/14.Things are just starting to set in now...the kids have had me runnin,constantly needing me, guidance and help,but now as their needs taper off i am slowly becoming aware of my own needs,too.Theyre something i havent really thought about in two years,and still feel guilty thinking of taking a night off for myself,forget doing it.It all takes time,i pray for all of us...ch

My Beloved Wife is Gone

sierrareef — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:38:48 -0500

My 55 year old wife of 11 years passed away 2 weeks ago, on 10-21-09. She was diagnosed with Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer in 01/2006, after having the disease misdiagnosed for most of 2005. We were told it was an uncurable form of lung cancer and we didn't know how much time we had left together - as it turns out it was a good amount of time compared to so many others. Still, it wasn't enough.

Cancer afforded us many blessings, just not the blessing of her continured life. I miss her so much and I find these days to be much harder than I expected. Between her death and her memorial service I had little time to grieve. Now our families have gone home, my friends have returned to their lives and I feel the profound emptiness that her passing has left in my life.