Cancer Survivors Network - too much going on - Comments

So sorry to hear this

bluerose — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 13:08:48 -0500

Please accept my deepest condolances on your Father's passing but as you said he is certainly in a much better place now, free from all the pain he endured here on earth. I am a believer in the after life so I believe that he is watching over you and yours.

You asked the question 'it is over or is it?' It happened not very long ago so you will go through all the stages of grief in death and dying and as long as you don't get stuck in one of the stages like anger or denial then you will come out fine. You have the support of your family and counsellors and friends on this board and at home and that support will get you through, no easy shortcuts I'm afraid in grieving. Grief counsellors are very helpful in this kind of situation or maybe the counsellor you have already deals with this too, hope that is the case.

I just read your posting about your Dad's passing so sorry I am late on the condolances. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

Hard Time

grandmafay — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:10:25 -0500

I am so sorry. Losing our fathers is hard even when we are older. I can only imagine how hard it is when you are younger. Yes, our heads tell us that our loved ones are in a better place, but our hearts just feel the hurt and loss. It sounds like your father raised a strong young women. I know that you will continue to make him proud. Your mother also sounds strong. I rarely go to the cemetery because I don't believe my husband is there. I did put a wreath on his grave at Christmas, but I haven't been back. Thinking you'll see your father in places is very common for many of us. Grief takes many forms, and each of us grieves in our own way. I'm glad you are with friends. Take good care of yourself. Fay

Day by day

mr steve — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 14:27:38 -0500

Hugs and prayers to you and your family and may God bless you.

:[

breakingfree — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 01:39:02 -0500

I still can't believe I did something so stupid. My mom was worried so much. I've never done something like this before and I can't believe I put my life on the line like this. It's embarrassing to read this. :[

it's over. or is it.

breakingfree — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 01:26:28 -0500

Hello again
I wanted to share some sad news. My father passed away on Dec 27th, 2009. These past couple of weeks have been extremely hard for me, but I feel alright enough to post something on here. After I read your posts above, I cried a lot because it helps a lot to know that people care. I've felt so alone in this whole journey over the past years and finally it's over. When I'm not crying, I know that he is in a better place. I know that he's in a place with no pain and looking over me and that helps me get by. The funeral was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. So many people---so many strange faces. I actually came back to school for the semester a little while ago and finished some finals that I missed. Being with others has really helped me alot instead of being home alone and only dwelling on what just happened. It all seems so unreal. I feel that I will come home and just see him come from around a corner smiling telling me everything will be ok. I'm sad he won't be here with me for the rest of my life. He won't be there for me when I graduate college. He won't be there for me when I get married. :( I'm sooooo sad because of this. I've always envisioned him by my side along all these milestones in my life and I can't believe that it simply won't come true. That's the part that hurts me the most-- That I won't be there for him when he's old. I didn't see him retire. I didn't see him enjoy his retirement life. I didn't get to spend time with him adult-to-adult. I've always just been daddy's little girl going to school. :[ I know that I now more than ever have to finish what I started which is the main reason I didn't even consider skipping a semester. I've started completing some courses from last semester and somehow this semester is going well so far anyway. It's been hard. and it will be hard. Going to the cemetery is weird and I feel so out of place. I'm not supposed to go there for years. My mom has gone every single day and as hard as this has been on me, I feel that she has suffered so much. She loved him so much and he loved her so much. She was by his side always. She never ever left the hospital and was always in his room with him making sure he was getting the best treatment possible. While I haven't found peace yet, I feel that I am in a weird little place right now. I know what I need to do and I know how I need to do it and I know that my daddy will be there with me to do it. I'm just so heartbroken he won't be there with me along the way. Thank you for your prayers and good words. They have meant a lot to me. Rereading some of my previous posts, especially my initial one has really shown to me that I've at least moved on from my state of desperation and loneliness. Now that everyone knows, so many people have been so supportive and helpful. I'm just in a different place now, trying to find inner peace with this whole situation. God bless you all.

Hello again

bluerose — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 23:46:34 -0500

One comment you made in this last post really stood out to me and that was the one where you said that someday you hope that you will make a difference in someone else's life like your Dad did for you and I can tell you that reading through all your posts and your tough journey with cancer you have made a difference in the lives of many who are reading your posts. You are an incredibly strong, brave and intelligent young lady for one so young. Life is not fair, as was pointed out in another posting here, and you have had to deal with an awful lot for one so young but you have done it with grace and truth. You have shared your true feelings, which is a very healing thing to do by the way, and it absolutely looks like you have learned a great deal along the way.

Your Dad I know would be very proud to see how you are handling all of this PLUS your studies as well, that is simply amazing and I think that the old addage 'we are only given what we can handle' sure rings true here. You have been handed alot to deal with and you are doing it and I know that you will continue to do so.

You have been an inspiration to me, a 22 year survivor of cancer, so you see it matters not how long you have been on this crazy planet but how you handle the bumps in the roads as you travel through it. I am honored to have corresponded with you and shared in a small part in your journey.

You and your family are in my prayers. Blessings, Bluerose

Tough Time

grandmafay — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 12:19:15 -0500

This is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. Somehow, we do find the strength to go on. Sadly, we have to play the hand we're dealt. Your father taught you to be strong. It sounds like he has set a wonderful example for all of you. I won't tell you that any of these days will be easy. I will tell you that at some point you will need to say good bye. The hardest thing I ever did was tell my husband that it was ok for him to go; that I would be ok. That was his main concern, and I'm sure your father is the same. They worry about how we will go on without them. Your father will always be with you through his love. For now, when you spend time with him just tell him you love him. Talk about the good memories. Do what you know in your heart he would want you to do. Life is not fair! Cancer sucks! Fay

hi barbara

breakingfree — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:32:45 -0500

hi barbara,
I wanted to thank you for your post. A few weeks ago I was confident that I was going to finish the semester, but I didn't. I took several incompletes to be here with my dad in the hospital. I didn't really know what incompletes were and I kept thinking about your post actually when the time came for my sister to pick me up and take me from my university to the hospital. Everything is kind of up in the air right now, I don't know when I will finish or what. Things are really hard right now for me. I'm having a really hard time dealing with everything and especially the university. But I wanted to let you know that your suggestion was actually quite helpful. I didn't know I had another way out. IT helps to write stuff down.
Thanks.

a day feels like a year

breakingfree — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:26:13 -0500

so it has been 8 days now since he was admitted to icu.
after the first couple days he was improving significantly and was even writing to us messages he wanted us to decipher. the last couple days have been a nightmare. he is completely sedated and doesn't recognize what is going on. Today he was extremely fidgety and when my mom asked him if he wanted us to leave, he said yes. It has been so painful watching him suffer. We were all so hopeful after a few days that things would improve, but the cancer is too much. I know I'm not ready to let him go. I love him so much :[
but it's killing me to watch him be so drugged up and literally tide down in bed. He is suffering and there's nothing we can do about it. The doctor said there is no way to stop the inevitable. We can either let him live like this or pull the plug. I don't think we have the heart to kill my father. It should not be my choice when he passes away. It might be selfish to keep him on life support to keep him alive for us, but taking anothers life is not something I think my mom nor us could deal with.
Please pray for him. He is an extraordinary man. and I know everyone says that about their special people, but he really is. He never never NEVEr did something for himself before he put me or my sisters ahead of himself. I hope that I can one day make as big an impact in another one's life as he has on mine. I love him so much. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's completely gone. He was my strenghth and confidence. i talked to my dad about personal decisions I didn't talk to my mom about or anyone else. He always knew what to say and suggest. and as dumb as it sounds, he was always right. It's going to be so hard soooooooooooooooooo hard to realize that he is gone. simply gone. I don't know how I will move on and live my life along others who have not been affected. How am I supposed to go back to school and sit through lectures and be so happy when my heart is shattered. It's going to be so hard coming home. Knowing that he's not there. I can't be strong without him. Whom will I confide in now? This is so hard. soooo hard. Never in my life have I felt this heartbroken.

Glad

grandmafay — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:34:15 -0500

I'm glad you came back to post. I was getting concerned. I'm sorry you are dealing with this particularly during finals, but you've come so far. You can be proud of yourself. I know your parents are proud of you, too. This is one of the toughest things a family can go through. You will be home soon for winter break. I know it won't be an easy time for you. Just tell your dad you love him and hug your mom and sisters tightly. My thoughts are with you. Take care, Fay

doing what you dad wants

Barbara53 — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 19:08:12 -0500

I'm so sorry to hear of this terrible time for your family. You have done what your dad wanted and stuck with your commitment to school this semester -- great job! In a few days you will be finished and you can go home, just like he wanted. He knows you can't be two places at once.

Your mother will be counting on you to help with your sisters, and I know you will come through. Every family has issues, but it's obvious that yours is held together with love. Good luck on your finals, and travel safely.

icu

breakingfree — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 18:41:43 -0500

my dad was taken to icu this morning because he couldn't breathe. whenever i've talked to him on the phone... he would just say it's difficult for him to talk...
my mom says he has pneumonia. he is not going home. there is no time scheduled for him to go home. i want to go home. but i have finals this week. :[[[[[[[[[
i'm really stressed out.
i don't mean to complain. i simply want to update you on what just happened. i think i'm handling this better than i would have had i not started talking about it before. my 11 year old sister has breakdowns all the time now. my 2 sister and my mom spent the day in the hospital today.
that is all. :[

Good Job

grandmafay — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:20:56 -0500

It sounds like you are moving forward. Thanksgiving may be hard but you can do this. Your dad may look bad, but his love for you is still there. Try to look beyond the body to the person inside. Boy does that sound preachy and corny, but it worked for me. You are not being selfish to want to keep your life together and do what you need to do. I'm glad you are talking to your friends about what is going on. I'm sure they appreciate your honesty and want to help. Remember professors are just people. Some are understanding and caring. Others are not. You might want to keep the counselor option open even if you don't think you need it.It doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan. Take care. Write when you want to. We'll be here. Fay

Thank you for your post. I

breakingfree — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:00:37 -0500

Thank you for your post. I DO NEED THIS FOR MYSELF. I know I need this for myself.

sweet and sour

breakingfree — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:49:25 -0500

Sooooo
1. I went to the counselor again, and this time I didn't cry very much. We had a normal conversation just about life. I think I'm past the point of going to the counselor now. I don't know if I have anything to talk about with him anymore.

2. I told someone. Actually I told a few people.
I told 1 friend about a week ago. I just spent 20 minutes and told her everything that I was going through and she was really considerate and I really felt that I could trust her. We were outside so I didn't have the chance to really break down even though I still cried. This was the first time I'd told someone what I've been longing to tell.. It felt good.

I then told my Biology Professor and met with him to catch up on work that I missed from missing multiple lectures--> due to my alcohol/hospitalization stint and times when I would go be with my dad instead of attend class. He was very rude about the situation and I was very upset afterward. He told me that I should just let go. If my dad has accepted that he is passing then I should too and I really need to focus more on my studies. I'm riding a c+/b- in that class. He kept going on and on about how 'is modern medicine really worth it?' you should feel lucky he's made it so far. I felt very frustrated because I really was making an effort to turn my studies around and I felt that he didn't see this as such a big issue. He simply told me that I need to not go home so much and accept the fact of what is going on. I was very polite during this entire time but when I walked out I really felt like I should have stood up for this. The thing is, my dad has NOT accepted he's dying. He's still alive obviously. My prof blatantly wanted me to accept the inevitable and I wasn't prepared for that at all. I was expecting sympathy instead of 'pull your **** together because your dad probably doesn't want you to do so poorly like you are in your courses.' At the end of the day though I know he's right. My studies have suffered a lot because of this and no med school is going to be alright with me getting shitty grades. I know that.... I just have to keep playing the teeter totter. I'm staying here this weekend and going home for Thanksgiving break Wed-Sunday next week. Maybe I needed this slap of realty, because I've been feeling so sorry for myself lately.

I told 2 more of my friends just because I felt like I was being fake with them. ALways hanging out and pretending everything is alright and then sort of going through a depression all by myself when we split.

Today, I told my anthropology professor, and for the first time I didn't cry.
I feel that the more people I've told the more stable I've become with this. Simply because others know. I don't have to hide from it or lean on it anymore all by myself.

Then I talked to my mom. She has been constantly texting me telling me she loves me and telling me she misses me and wants me home, but I also really NEED to focus on school.
I can't afford to pause my life because of this.
I know this is selfish... SO SELFISH... :[ but I just can't. I wish I had had this little bit of strength a few weeks ago so my grades weren't as shitty as they are right now. I'm pulling a C+ in one course, C+/B- in another course, B- in another course, and an A in English.

Last time I spoke with my dad was yesterday and he was asking when I was coming home.
Next week is Thanksgiving. I'm worried that I will not have this will to work after I go home and resee everything that is going on. My other professor said I can def raise my grade to a B, maybe a B+ and possibly even an A- if I really work hard.
It's been 2 weeks now since I found out about hospice. I think talking about it has REALLLLY helped me and I sincerely regret not having talked about this with at least a few of my close friends of the past couple of years- when all this **** started.
I really have been suffering all this by myself because I didn't have the guts to go against what my parents were so subtly enforcing. I felt that I had to behave exactly like them... when really I was just hurting myself. :/// Randomly crying even in high school and really not confiding in my friends.

At this point I've told those whom I really trust here at the University and some profs because I felt that I needed to really confront them and tell them that i've been missing class and don't know whats going.
The fact that I live an hour from home separates me from this situation and i havn't had to deal with it until someone calls or contacts me.
I guess we'll see after thanksgiving.

I don't know if I want to tell my friends from back home. I feel that I am back to standing on 2 feet for a little tiny bit anyway and maybe still having my outlet even though I probably won't spend THAT much time with them over break, will at least still be there for me.

Now that my head is a little bit cleared, I really want to thank you people for being there for me. I honestly didn't know where to turn to a few weeks ago. I couldn't talk to my mom about this because she was so caught up in the moment. I felt that I HAD to tell someone or I would just not be able to make it myself. I'm sure this is just a pocket of hope I'm experiencing. In fact I know that I will probably cry multiple times when I see my dad next week..... happens every time I see him because he looks so awful. But at this point I really appreciate all the advice. I am just trying to figure this whole mess out with myself and I guess writing it down is the best outlet I have so far.
I love you guys. Really.

I'll let you know any new developments. For now I'm going to go study for my Biology exam so I can hopefully do better on Monday's exam.

THANK YOU! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

too much going on

breakingfree — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:56:28 -0400

i've never had the chance to talk to anyone about this. my family is the type that pretends everything is ok when it's not. we don't want to be pitied. we want to appear that everything is alright. isn't this the american way? don't show your weakness. but i can't handle it anymore. i need to talk to someone. i've never talked to a psychiatrist but i think i should. but i'm poor and scared to. i don't want to ask my parents because they are already dealing with too much. here is my story. i would appreciate your insight. i value other people's opinions so much more than mine. :[
i am a 19 year old female in college.