Cancer Survivors Network - why was I left behind? - Comments

Michelle.....

Buzzard — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 21:39:28 -0400

Each day will make it a little easier to bear...Please stay with us here......{{{{{hugs}}}}}.....Clift

Wendy

MichelleP — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:52:40 -0400

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Wendy! That is a beautiful story and thank you so much for sharing it with us. Just having those "signs" from our loved ones means more than anyone who hasn't lived it to understand. That memory you will forever hold in your heart! We each have something special to help in knowing our loved ones are with us!

(((HUGS)))

PS: Here's to many more butterflies and screws!!!!!!!!!!!

butterfles or scews

pipwe1 — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:11:05 -0400

I have a butterfly michelle, at my partners funeral as we were standing at the grave side people kept coming over to me and saying " did you see it? did you see the butterfly?" Butterflies were our love and as we stood there in our grief one flew down and landed on the coffin paused for a while and then flew off. I didnt see it but everyone else did, they say it was my partners way of telling us that all is well and that they are still with us. I was upset that I was the only one who didnt see it. The next day I went back to the cemetary and said " well everyone saw your sign yesterday except me, I'm not leaving until you send that butterfly back, I don't care how long it takes" It took an hour but the butterfly came back.. and I sat there silently crying but knew that all was well.

Thanks for your thoughts Michelle, maybe we can try and stay strong together through this site.

Wendy

Thank you all for your kind

MichelleP — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:55:38 -0400

Thank you all for your kind words. I visited here often and it's comforting to me. I went to my first grief support meeting last night. I didn't speak....I couldn't. I just sat there frozen listening to others. It was a small group of people and all of them were "long time" members. I'm still raw....it had only been nine days since my husband went on his journey. I will go again to perhaps the Tuesday AM meeting. I still may not be able to talk, but I owe it to my husband to try and find some strength.

My heart breaks for you pipwe.........and yes I remember those screws. I placed them in a box on my nightstand. I also picked up my husbands ashes this morning...I talked to him all the way and said:

Ok kid (my nickname for him) We're going home now. There will be no more doctors running tests....no more hospital visits....no more 911 calls...and no more pain or suffering. Now my love we shall go home and rest until we are together in heaven....to live eternity surrounded by joy and happiness.

Your "purpose"

pipwe1 — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:32:32 -0400

My partner died on August 4th and a social worker at Calvary Hospice recommended that I come here... she said it might help for me to see what others in my position are talking about and feeling. The first post that I find is yours Michelle and when you said that all you have done for months is care for your husband and now there is nothing it broke my heart.. I know exactly where you are coming from. The group therapy will help, I felt the same about being with a group of people and pouring my heart out. I wont lie to you, its emotional and exhausting. Im have only been to 2 meetings so far out of 10 and at both I spent the whole hour and half crying.. but I am going back and trying to deal with my pain

Just remember those screws Michelle

Support groups saved my sanity!

terato — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:45:46 -0400

Michelle,

After I found my brother with an electric cord around his neck, I came very close to becoming an alcoholic, needing vodka martinis to fall asleep at night. Support groups and professional counseling saved my sanity, giving me the emotional tools to cope with the subsequent deaths of our parents.

Don't worry about us men "lurkers" either, we are just as scared and grief-stricken as you are and in need of healing.

The knowledge that someone loved (loves) you unconditionally is enough to sustain you and keep you until that time in the unknown future when God calls you to join your beloved husband and all your loved ones in His kingdom.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Joe is right

Glenna M — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 13:39:48 -0400

Michelle,

As usual Joe put into words what many of us feel but can not find the right words to express.

Anyone who has read your posts knows how much you loved your husband and you fought his battle with him every day, never worrying about yourself. Now it is time for you to take care of yourself and fight to get yourself better emotionally and physically. This is what your husband would want.

Please take Joe's advice and don't let cancer take you as you are a wonderful, caring and compassionate person. The world would be a much sadder place without you!

As many others have stated, I wish I could be there to help you through this, to hold you when you cry or just a shoulder to lean on when your tired.

Please continue to post so we will all know how you are doing and continue to let us try to help you through this tragic time.

God Bless you, your friend - Glenna

Good medicine

soccerfreaks — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:18:05 -0400

Michelle,

Cancer has clearly taken a great deal from you. It has taken your husband, to be sure, but it has taken days, weeks, months, from your recent past as well. Ask yourself this: Are you going to allow cancer to take even more?

I am not much for fair and unfair. In the time that I have known cancer, it is my estimation that it is simply a force of nature and that it has no bias, passes no judgement. Still, it is too often permitted to take more than it is genetically empowered to do.

Do not let it take you. Do not consider that your fight with cancer is over. It is not. It is now preying on you, Michelle. You have been fighting it, with your husband, for some time. You have experienced great and grave loss.

But everything it takes from now on, while there may be no medicine for it, no chemotherapy, no surgery, no radiation, can be prevented. The medicine is within you. It would be truly tragic if you let it win when it hasn't the power, without your help, to do so.

Do not let it take you.

Take care,

Joe

Just Checking In

grandmafay — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 11:20:43 -0400

I'm just checking in. I, too, am glad you are going to a group. We have been involved with a cancer support group, and it has been very helpful. As far as the worry that some man might hit on you at the meeting, I wouldn't worry about that. I actually have a friend who met her second husband in a grief group. It started as a friendship for many months and then blossomed into a love affair. Her son was also concerned and checked him out. Oh, the wonders of the internet. The son discovered that the man was much better off financially than she was. Life is full of surprises both good and bad. Right now, just concentrate on you. We haven't had much time to do that lately. I believe that healing takes place in many ways and that our husbands have been healed and are in God's arms. Now we need to seek healing for ourselves, not an easy thing to do. God has chosen to leave us here, and we can do this. Fay

You see Michelle, you are helping others on this board

bluerose — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:59:27 -0400

Fay was helped by you Michelle and that is one of the purposes, for sure, as to why you went through what you did and that is a wonderful thing - to help others with the experiences we have. I too have been helped by some of the things you spoke about on this site and like Fay said I am sure you are helping others too as you blog about your feelings in your grief and loss. You are needed.

Keep blogging and sharing, it's good for you in a big way and in so doing you are helping others through their traumas as well. Proud of you Michelle. Blessings, Bluerose

So glad to hear you are going to the meeting and with a friend

bluerose — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:54:45 -0400

Oh that's such great news Michelle, you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself - you will see. Don't worry about speaking out right away if you don't feel like it, they understand all the stages of grief there and have a way of giving you your space but helping to draw you out in time so no need to worry about the face to face talking about it all. And remember, everyone in that group has been where you are at one time or another so they really can relate to you and after hearing their stories you will not feel alone anymore in this and that will be a great comfort.

I am so glad a friend is going with you.

I don't know how old your son is, and I'm sure he is just concerned with your welfare because this is a different situation with a support group, but I don't think you have to concern yourself with that right now. They are run by professionals who know what to watch out for in a group and I have been to several support groups of all kinds and never have I seen a man taking advantage of the women in the group. As always we keep our eyes open for hastles but I really think this is a minimal issue right now in a grief support group. The person/persons who are running it will know what to look for I'm sure if that happens, but I doubt it will happen. Focus on the grief process in the group and it will help you a great deal, I just know it.

Try and take things day by day instead of looking too far ahead, you have many stages of grief and loss to go through but time does heal even though right now it seems impossible. Things happen as time goes on that can change the feelings you have right now, right now it's all so new and raw.

When is the first meeting you will attend with your friend? Do let us know how it goes. You can talk to the leader and let them know that you might just want to watch for the first meeting and they will be fine with that but I'm sure that you will find yourself getting into the conversation maybe even the first time because you will hear others saying what you are thinking and experiencing as they have all beent here at one point in their grief and loss. That's the beauty and healing power of groups like this. No doubt you might even find a friend along the way as well.

I am so proud that you are going to the meeting and so happy you are taking a friend with you - that's the first step to healing. Hugs, Bluerose

Make a pact

SonSon — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:08:34 -0400

Michelle,

I ask you, I challenge you, to make a pact with your husband and with us to not hurt yourself in any way at all.

I am CERTAIN that your husband would not want you to hurt yourself and we have all expressed our concern for you.

You are a loving, generous, intelligent and valuable person.

Take your friend with you and explore the grief support. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first but be absolutely certain that they are as concerned about your welfare as we are.

Fatima

HUGSHUGSHUGS*

RE — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:16:00 -0400

Michlle I am glad to hear you are going to go to a grief support group, I think it will help you. The concept of one on one therapy is also a good idea, it helped my sister tremendously when she lost her husband to throat cancer. You are in my prayers Michelle we are here for as long as you need us.

Much Love,

Hospice called me earlier

MichelleP — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:43:29 -0400

Hospice called me earlier and set me up for my first meeting with a grief support group. I'm just terrified at the thought. I need help badly I know....simply because I don't know anyone close to me who is living this nightmare. The boards are a "safe place to vent"...but in person? I called a friend of mine and she is willing to go with me thank goodness.

My son scared me even more when he said "Geeez Mom....men lurk in these places for women". Well, if they are looking for rich widows, their going to be in for a BIG surprise!

Fay, I agree that there is no closure....bit I disagree that it will get easier in time because I just feel inside that I'll simply die from a broken heart. I hear that suicide is an unforgivable sin and that's the only reason I'm still here. I know that in time my heart will simply break and I'll finally be free.

Don't hurt yourself

grandmafay — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:34:16 -0400

Michelle - Please don't hurt yourself. Among those reasons already listed by others, I have a selfish one. Your words and thoughts have been a help to me. I need you here writing to me. I'm sure others feel the same. I am surrounded by friends and family, but I still feel alone much of the time. I try to remember the good things and the funny things. Our sons are wonderful but they have lost a father. Their hurt is different than mine. I, too, have wondered why I am the one left behind. I don't know. Early in my husband's fight, I told him that it would be easier if it was me and not him. He told me that that was a selfish thought. He didn't know how he would deal with my leaving him. Maybe that's why I am here grieving instead of him. I do believe there is a reason. Someday I may know what that reason is. In the meantime, I have to deal with his loss. It's a big hole. I don't believe in "Closure." I don't think there is such a thing, but I do believe that it will get easier with time. I will find ways to move forward one step at a time, and so will you. We can do this. Make your first step contacting Hospice. They made it clear to me that they are here for the family. Call your doctor. Make a list of things to do and try to accomplish just one thing each day. You are loved by those on this board. Blessings, Fay

why was I left behind?

MichelleP — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:01:49 -0400

People keep telling me that God won't allow me to follow my husband in death because there must be some "purpose" for me. I am also aware of the religious belief that suicide is an unforgivable sin. Well, I can't find a purpose for myself now. I feel like I'm just dying inside and I want to go and be with him. I beg God each and everyday to please take me too. I walk into rooms and don't even know why I'm there. For the past 7-8 months all I have done is care for my husband and now there's "nothing".

Cancer Survivors Network - why was I left behind? - Comments

Michelle.....

Wendy

butterfles or scews

Thank you all for your kind

Your "purpose"

Support groups saved my sanity!

Joe is right

Good medicine

Just Checking In

You see Michelle, you are helping others on this board

So glad to hear you are going to the meeting and with a friend

Make a pact

HUGS*HUGS*HUGS*

Hospice called me earlier

Don't hurt yourself

why was I left behind?

HUGSHUGSHUGS*