Cancer Survivors Network - Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer - Comments

getting better

zjrosenthal — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 10:26:51 -0400

Thanks for your support. You are so right, he was a snake who took advantage of my weakness and good nature. He is still here by my grace and mercy, supposedly working recovery thru 12 steps and went to a 4 day intensive treatment program for sex addiction. He has been mean to me thru our 34 yr marriage and I stuck it out because of my goodness and compassion, sometimes too much goodness if you know what I mean. I have told him he has one chance and not to blow it. I am hoping he gets his act together for his sake because I will survive and trive either way but if he goes out there again I believe he will be dead in a year. He is an old overweight sick man and he needs me a lot more than I need him. Again my thanks for all the support and encouragement.

getting better

zjrosenthal — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 10:26:51 -0400

Thanks for saying that...

SonSon — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:32:47 -0400

Slickwilly - I just read this post of yours and hope you see my response.
I wish somebody had told me that about men about 25 years ago. Would have saved me a lot of money, heartache and I would probably be living happily in Seattle right now.
*sigh*
Fatima

Your pain

JH32 — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 23:07:39 -0400

zjrosenthal-
First of all I haven't been on this site in quite a while so sorry for the delayed response. Just saw your post tonight.
It is incredibly hard to deal with both issues at once. Now that over two months have gone by since I found out about my wife's affair I'm finally past the shock. It would be a shock at any time, but while fighting cancer your attention and guard are really down. I found that focusing on my recovery and needs helped me begin to get thru it. I'm still not there, but believing that you will be fine on your own helps. It also helped my wife see that I would move on from her and she doesn't want to lose that. I'm not sure if they think we are at a weak moment and can't react to their choices- but you can.
I spent many, many days curled up crying over everything and then reached a point where I said enough. It still hurts and I have down days, but I am looking forward for me. If it works out and she wants to be there (and if I want her to) then so be it. If not I'll make it alone.
Stay strong and realize that you are a good person and his actions say more about him. It is not a reflection of you.

Worst pain

zjrosenthal — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:11:41 -0400

I am so grateful to know that I am not the only one going thru these emotional crisis in my marriage after cancer. During my anal cancer treatment last fall, my husband was using porn and it was devastating. Recently I found out he has also been using hookers. He has even had them in my bed! I tried so hard to meet his needs after the radiation burns healed but it didnt make a difference to him. We are now staying at our second home because I cant be in that place where he was doing those awful things with his 20 something hookers. I am 66 yrs old and have been married for 34 yrs with 4 grown kids and 4 grandkids. I dont want a divorce and we are in counseling but he was cheating even while going to the counselor. He says he is willing to go to a 12 step for sex addiction and a 4 day intensive that I will also attend. I know he is not telling me everything and it is possible that these affairs have been going on thru our marriage. I am feeling scared and angry and at this point cant seem to get my head on straight. Pictures of him with these gorgeous young girls wake me up at night with knots in my stomach. I have been trying to prove to him and myself mostly that I am as good or better than these little babes that he seems to think will make him young again. I am a strong, good woman who has been a faithful wife all through our marriage. I am also quite good in the marriage bed department if I may say so myself. I cry and wail constantly unless I am distacted with daily tasks. I dont know how this will turn out in the end but I am really feeling desperate.

He's still here. Will not

maya00i — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 16:32:36 -0400

He's still here. Will not look for a job all he does all day is play poker on the computer and talk to his girlfriend. I am on depression meds right now.

Thank you, Jim...

zahalene — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 15:44:08 -0400

for the good wishes.
First of all, I am a 23+ year breast cancer survivor. I was first diagnosed in 1986 (at age 38), again in 1988, and a third time in 1996. I am just fine now and turned 61 this summer. My marriage has been over for 13+ years, so I have had some time to think through both issues from the perspective that distance offers.
My ex was the one who broke off the marriage, like a bolt out of the blue, so I had no chance to prepare for it at all. He was not interested in counseling or anything that might have helped the situation. He just wanted OUT.
I had an 11 year old son and a daughter just 6 months married, so my plans had to include what would also help them cope and heal. But we found solutions that worked for us and moved on, as that was our only option.
And, yes, in some practical ways I (and my kids) have been 'better off' without him, but we also suffer some long-term effects. My kids have no real connection to their father. And I have, for various reasons, chosen to remain single. He stole a lot of things from us when he left, and I am NOT talking about physical possessions, but he became toxic to our mental and emotional health and the time came for us to protect ourselves.
In fact, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life now that I could not have had if I was still with my ex. But that does not in any way speak to your situation. Only you and your wife can decide whether or not you can repair what has been broken, and I agree that a commitment to fidelity and renewed faith in each other are essential elements in a marriage. Without them the relationship grows into a kind of cancer of its own. And it can be more deadly than this other kind we have already experienced.
God bless.

Z- I don't mind!

JH32 — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 15:43:27 -0400

Zahalene-
This really is an open forum, so thank you for adding to it. I am truly sorry for what you went through, both with the cancer and your ex. I hope the cancer portion is conquered.
I read in a number of posts that 'you're better off without him/her'- but that is a hard one. I try to think that if the cancer hadn't been in the equation and she did this what would I do? I believe I'd be trying to work through it, so we are going to try now.

Did you begin to start thinking totally about what was good for you before breaking off the marriage? When I think that way and not worry about how she leads her life I think I could make it on my own. The scary part is thinking that I would be alone, for good. The reality is that if we/she can't commit to fidelity and faith then it is over. Did you try professional help? We are scheduled for counceling next week and having never gone through it not sure how helpful it can be.

I hope you have found peace, and someone else if that is what you want. Though our cancers were different I feel your pain as too what it did to our bodies. I think back to one of my last CT scan appointments and as I sat there feeling sorry for myself a mother pushing her 10 to 12 year old son in a wheel chair came around the corner. Poor kid had tubes all over, no hair and had obviously been through hell- made me realize that at worst I had 40 years of extra life than he and to look outside my self pity shell. Still doesn't take all the pain away but puts it in some perspective.
Peace to you and thanks for being honest- Jim

JH, if you don't mind...

zahalene — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 10:07:05 -0400

You were not speaking to me in the above post but if you don't mind I would like to respond to your situation.
My 28 year marriage did not survive cancer (mine). Oh, we went on for awhile after I was out of treatment but it was not a healthy situation.
The fact was, (Oh, I am a female, forgot you can't tell that by my screen name) he just was not committed to me or the marriage unless it was providing him with what he wanted. I lost both breasts. Enuf said?
I can't comment on your wife's mind set, obviously, but when 'for better or worse' becomes about as worse as it can get, that's when the feathers hit the fan unless there is an under girding in the relationship that is strong enough to bear up under the stress.
In retrospect, I can see that he had been dissatisfied for a long time even before I got sick. But that doesn't help much after the fact. My marriage did not survive because he did not want it to, and was not willing to do the work needed to preserve it. That is really the bottom line. When a relationship is damaged it takes time and work and tears and honesty and renewed commitment to repair it. And since you are already in a fight for your life, you may not be able to find the resources to slay this dragon too. I would suggest intense professional help for the two of you. Provided you are both willing of course. Otherwise it will be an exercise in futility.
You say it would be easier if you did not love her. I understand that, believe me. Love is a commitment and some of us are just not capable of going back on our commitments. And some of us are not capable of keeping them. It is just very sad when these two types of people end up married to each other.
God bless and I really do hope you and she can work things out and come to a good place together again.

The Unknown

JH32 — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 23:40:15 -0400

Linda-
First off I love your picture- you look like a proud, beautiful woman. Is it too personal to ask what unknown you stepped off into?
I have been having some very bad days over my wife's affair. Just feels like a hammer on each side of my head- just as I get a grip on my cancer I get smacked by the hurt of her unfaithfulness, and visa versa. I had radical prostate surgery and am not fully recovered yet which includes my ability to be intimate. At times it is unbearable that my wife was with someone else and that I'm not sure I'll ever be able provide that for her again.
Cancer is uglier and more painful then I could have ever imagined. Was stepping away from your situation truly worth it? This would be easier if I didn't love her, or if she was cruel.
Not sure how to get out of this pit- Jim

Linda

tasha_111 — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 09:47:44 -0400

After a nice bottle of celebratory Vino Collapso I was Pole Dancing with my tree. Don't worry, I'm not dangerous! LOL

Hugs Jxxxxxxxxx

Kudos to you runrummer!! I

daisy366 — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 17:43:22 -0400

Kudos to you runrummer!!

I too have noticed that I am less anxious about things now - like public speaking which used to terrify me. Now, every day is a gift.

Blessings to all,

Mary Ann

Tasha: I keep trying to figure out your photo...

lindaprocopio — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 10:08:54 -0400

First, let me say sincerely 'hooray for you!!' You deserve so much better. That man definitely falls in the 'no big loss' category. Still, I know how hard is is to step out into the unknown, even when the 'known' is awful.

Now, you just have to explain your photo to me, since the curiosity is driving me crazy. I just can't figure out what you're up to in that photo? ((((BIG HUGS))))

Grateful to you

tasha_111 — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 21:38:24 -0400

Lisa and everyone in here, Thank you so much for the Kick up the arse I needed to end this bloody torture;.

Huge Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Good For You!!!

LisaD67 — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 21:03:08 -0400

You don't deserve or need that abuse. Good luck to you. And we're all here for you. Lisa

Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer

LisaD67 — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 16:42:20 -0400

Five years ago I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Renal Cell Carcinoma, stage 2 of 3. I had a partial nephrectomy of my right kidney. About a year after, my ex husband had an affair, that's why he's my ex. He was never supportive and wouldn't allow me to talk about the cancer. He said, "If I talked about it, it meant I wanted it to come back!" Yeah right, that was a horrible thing to say. As of now I am cancer free, but will be taking tests soon. Like I typed above, I have entered the dating world. But it's like when I tell the person I meet that I am a cancer survivor they run the opposite way.