Cancer Survivors Network - Divorce, Starting Over, and Dating after Cancer - Comments

dating

scamps67 — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:56:55 -0500

Hi I met my husband 4 years ago, he had had oral cancer and a neck dissection 3 years previously. On our first date I asked him about his scar and he told me about his cancer and honestly my first response was to run away....I was terrified of falling in love with someone who might get cancer again and maybe die. I had to think about it and needless to say we kept dating :) I decided I would rather spend whatever days we had than to just run away. Well he got cancer again, he just went through another huge surgery and i slept in the hospital with him all 8 days. I seriously didnt think he would get cancer again or at least not for Many years, he is only 39 now. The odds that he will get another cancer are high but I am sticking it out. I love him. You will find someone who deserves you!

How are you doing?

brownchunk — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:21:34 -0500

Hi Lisa... I read your post just now after searching "cancer and dating" and I can't believe how similar our stories are! I am also an RCC (stage 4) survivor and my now-ex also had an affair (3 actually). I am considering dating now, but the thought of it just makes me scared and sad. I cried as I read all the replies below. I hope you are doing well and wonder if you still visit this site. -Amanda

same destination, different boat

EmilyAnn — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 23:13:45 -0500

lisa,

im in the dating scene but im 18 and still in high school which makes it tuff. i could never imagine having a man say those kind of things to you. im still undergoing treatment. no one deserves to get it but some of us are chosen to get it and we are messengers to help teach others about our cancer. i hope you find that man who is okay about discusing what had happend in your past and will be there for you forever..

emiyann

Oh poor hubby - NOT

bluerose — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 13:38:02 -0400

No one says cancer is easy on any family member, husbands included, but yours seems to be more preoccupied with how it all affects his life and not as worried about how this is affecting you - you the person with cancer.

One thing you said near the end of the post really prompted me to write to you and that was when you said that he truns snappy and has little patience because it stops him from getting on with his own life 'so I would hate to be ill again'. You are more worried a recurrance would hamper him? That's what you think first? No this is backwards.

First I want to tell you that this isn't unusual with some partners, as a matter a fact the percentages are high for relationship failure when cancer shows up but of course usually there were issues there before too, cancer just puts an extra strain on things, a big strain. But some relationships can become stronger through dealing with cancer so that gives the rest of us hope that there are good relationships even in the face of cancer too.

That comment your husband made about you 'getting on with it' is a big issue with lots of survivors because we can't 'get on with it' in many ways due to trauma or side effects of treatment or just worry about recurrance. Those are real issues and not to be laughed at or invalidated. A lot of people do not understand survivors and often that is very hurtful when it is someone close to us.

I have to say that your husband sounds very insensitive, telling you about all the women who die of it and that their husbands move on, horrible thing to tell you.

What if the roles were reversed and he had the cancer? Would you be there for him, I have a feeling you would be. Marriage is about the good times and the bad times, not just the convenient times.

Are you seeing a counsellor about any of this? I have my doubts your husband would go with you but you never know. If not then I would really think about going yourself to talk things out with a professional who can give you some really good input on how to deal with this. Also of course, keep posting on this board, lots of people know and have gone through what you are going through and will understand and validate you. If your husband is violent then you need to tread lightly with him though and make sure that you are safe at all times. A lot of us need to talk things through with counsellors now and again, cancer is a trauma and issues come up. It's not something you 'get over' after treatments are done in many cases.

All the best,
Bluerose

Isolated

christinerose5454 — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 04:00:52 -0400

Since I had half my left lung out in December 2008, I did not need chemo or radiotherapy. I feel that people don't want to know me when they know I have had cancer. My husband says get over it, its done finished. I do not talk to him much about cancer because he does not understand how I feel, I keep it in and just talk to people who have had cancer. Over the months he tells me about all the men at work who's wife's have died of cancer and tells me how they have moved on so quickly finding new partners, in a way its good for the men to find a partner and move on but I feel that my husband keeps on telling me about all these women who are dying of cancer and I do not need to hear all this at the moment. I have had another major operation because my last c.t scan shown three more shadows, the good news is that it is not cancer this time but it still takes it out of me having a big operation again and having to depend on my husband to take care of me. My husband can not cope looking after me after any illness or recovery, he turns snappy and has little patience because it stops him getting on with his own life and hobbies so I would hate to be ill again. Fingers crossed and think positive all will be well.

Gagging is good sometimes

zjrosenthal — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 22:30:41 -0400

Bluerose and all others posting here...I am so blessed to be a part of a community of such caring and strong people!
It occured to me that the gagging we go through thinking of what our spouses have done, or not done as the case may be, is a good thing. It can purge us of our unwanted thoughts, negative emotions and in some cases even the spouse.
I wanted to kill my husband last year when he was cheating on me with hookers during my recovery from cancer. I let him know that he had only one shot if he wanted me to stay with him and set very clear boundaries, a move upstate away from the place where he was acting out, a 12 step recovery program, an intensive 4 day treatment and absolutely no porn or acting out of any kind. So far a year later, he is in compliance with my boundaries but he knows our relationship will never have the kind of blind trust I once had. That is sad but actions have consequences. He knows how much he has hurt me and also hurt himself. I have cried, wailed, screamed and have not held back from letting him know how I feel.
So far, glory to God, I am cancer free for almost 2 yrs and am also healing emotionally but it will take time. I wish you all health and happiness.

Gag me with a spoon - ewwww - dating, lol

bluerose — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 09:01:26 -0400

My kids used to use that expression when something grossed them out 'gag me with a spoon'. lol.

Notice how many replies there have been to this issue of relationship breakdown and starting again, it's a big topic for many many survivors. High rate of divorce in survivors but like any other challenging situation in life it can bring couples closer or pull them wide apart.

I have been separated and divorced now I guess going on 10 years, though the thoughts of revenge still often take over me, lol, just kidding of course - cough cough. lol.

Cancer alone is a complicated situation as you all know so add another person, any person into the mix in a situation with cancer in the family and it gets just that much more complicated. Love to hear the stories though of those who have infinite support from their spouses or significant others, it gives the rest of us hope.

Thank you all for sharing on this important personal issue.

Blessings to you all, Bluerose

divorce

lillyadams790 — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 15:41:51 -0400

Sometimes things go all wrong and you just need to get youself away from it all.If you are looking for