Cancer Survivors Network - Cancer may be wrecking my marriage - Comments

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understood — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 07:53:06 -0400

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Newbride

gthufford — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 23:13:24 -0400

First of all - I commend you for all that you are doing for your new husband, and your obvious commitment and love for him. You are a special person to be doing all that you are doing, and I hope that he loves you forever for doing this.

I do want to warn you, however, that all you are doing and going through, even with the best intentions in the world, will not qualify you to know what your husband is going through. It is not your mortality that is at stake. Take it from someone who has learned the hard way, and who may lose his marriage over the mistakes that I have made.

I don't have any idea what kind of issues you and your husband will encounter on your journey - every relationship and journey is different. We've all heard of people who go through cancer with great attitudes and who are grateful to their caregivers. Hopefuly this will be the case with your husband. But for many of us, no matter what we do or how hard we try, we will always be outsiders in this part of our spouse's lives. It hurts, but you can only make it worse by trying to think that you understand their struggle because you are by their side. Or even worse, as I have done, by trying to assert that our needs are as important as our spouse's needs while they are going through treatment.

My advice to you, for what it is worth, is to keep doing what you are doing with all the love and compassion you can muster, but to make a slight change to your attitude by realizing that you will never truly understand what their journey is like. And when you are with your husband, make his needs the top and, often, only priority.

By the way, unless they have been a caregiver themselves, the cancer patient will also not know what it is like for the caregiver. However, as I said above, it is their mortality at stake, not ours. Our journey is very important, and we need to prioritize our needs when we are away from our spouse, but the number 1 priority needs to be your husband, at least for now.

God Bless you and I pray that your journey can somehow be positive, and that you and your husband grow old together!

Interesting posts...thanks

newbride — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 20:55:31 -0400

I just finished reading through this chain of posts and appreciate the insight. My husband was first diagnosed with his RARE (he's the first reported case) of his type of cancer in March --- 8 weeks before our wedding!! He immediately had surgery and was recovering nicely and we were looking forward to our life together.

During our honeymoon he had complications and upon returning home we discovered the tumor came back and he needed additional surgery.

So 43 days into our marriage we are learning that because this type of cancer appeared in an area never reported before all the top cancer doctors have been reviewing his case. No one can give us any answers we want to hear because they have none. In addition they have now decided that since this came back aggressively they will fight it aggressively and are contemplating giving him double doses of chemo along with radiation.

My fear is just as the original poster said -- that later on my husband will feel like I have no idea what he went through. And while I can honestly say that physically I have no clue, emotionally I do as I am the one handling everything - he doesn't even speak with his doctors unless he had to go there for appointments. I'm the one running filling prescriptions, making appointments, making sure he has meals, pain killers, etc.

I read everyone;s comments carefully and they were great help to ensure I continue to be as supportive as I can.

Thanks

I was a real jerk sometimes!

terato — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 17:13:41 -0400

akbetty,

When I was in treatment, I was often manipulative, self-absorbed, and vindictive. I was the last person any wife would want to come home to. Following my divorce, I blamed my ex for not understanding what I was going through, with no thought to what she was going through. It is Fathers' Day, and I sit here by my computer, sterile, middle-aged, without immediate family, and alone. I am happier than I was in my marriage, but only because my wife and I were not suited for each other in the first place and cancer only provided our "moment of truth", bringing that realization to a head. Like Marley's ghost, I wear the chains I forged in my past, hopefully learning from the experience and trying to live the balance of my life better.

Dutch proverb: "Too soon old, too late smart!"

Love and Courage!

Rick

So gt,....

zahalene — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:42:47 -0400

if she doesn't want you apologizing on Mondays, just wait until Tuesdays. LOL (sorry, a little levity is good for the soul).

Lily and gthufford

akbetty — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 17:41:09 -0400

Lily, I know how you feel. My husband is a wonderful man who has always adored me, but after two years of fighting cancer, he's not the same person--he's used to me catering to his every wish, and sometimes I miss the man who thought of me once in a while. I know he can't help the situation we are in, but it's still difficult to cope with. Gthufford, I admire you for admiring that you've made mistakes, but don't be too hard on yourself. You are not goi g through something as tough as your wife is, but you are going through something. We have learn to forgive each other, and realize that none of us will be perfect all the time. My thoughts are with you both.
Betty

lily33

gthufford — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:17:47 -0400

It sounds like you are really going through a tough time, but that you are handling it the very best way that you can. Actually - it sounds like you are a saint.

On the other hand, in my situation, the saint is my wife. She is going through the battle of her life, is sick with medication, can't sleep, and is desperately afraid of dying of this disease. Even through all of this, she continues to love me, laughs with me, snuggles with me, etc., and she is the love of my life. I really don't deserve her, but she deserves the best from me.

On top of what she is going through, I have made a huge mistake with my wife by sharing some of my issues with her, when she can only barely deal with her own. I thought that I was reaching a busting point, but my issues are so small compared to hers that I feel quite selfish in unloading on her. I hope that someday she will forgive me, which she says she is working on.

I plan on my wife being around for a long time, and I plan on growing old with her. I feel that we are in a very tough situation right now, but I have the power to make things right by doing the absolute best that I can everyday.

All we can do is learn and move on, and carry each of our burdens as best we can.

Thanks for sharing.

My marriage is also stressed...

lily33 — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 16:47:25 -0400

I am so glad you posted this. I feel not very many people recognize the stress cancer has on caregivers or our marriages. I am 33 and my husband has stage IV kidney cancer. He has battled it for the past 5 years with surgery and chemo. We had a great marriage before cancer. Now 5 years into the fight he has stabilized with drugs, but our relationship is falling apart. He's content because I have always been there and taken care of our 3 young children, the house, bills, and him. The drugs have completely changed his personality though. He's short tempered, unkind at times, and not the easy going and loving husband I married 10 years ago. I can't begin to imagine the hell he goes through. But I am going through hell too! I'm now essentially a single mother and feel I have lost the husband I loved and still love dearly. I feel guilty about wanting and needing someone to take care of me for once. And the worst is I know this is not his fault-he didn't ask to have cancer or to have his brain changed from the chemo drugs. There's no one to be mad at or to blame. Everyday I just feel us growing farther apart and my need to be protected and taken care of eating me away.

Just know there are other spouses out there that struggle with the changes in their marriages as well.

Hollyberry

gthufford — Fri, 22 May 2009 11:31:08 -0400

Thanks - you actually sound a lot like my wife - which is a compliment. She told me to stop apologizing on Monday. Things have gotten much better, though she says she is still mad at me. She is actually in her meeting right now with her counseler - wish I could be a fly on the wall! She says we will talk about it tonight. I'm going to do my best to listen a lot and talk a little.

Thanks again.

Perspective

hollyberry — Fri, 22 May 2009 08:47:11 -0400

Dear G,
I hope that all went well between you and your wife and there is now some peace in your home. Sometimes, just letting your spouse think through their situation will help to settle their feelings and bring a sense of calm to the situation. I know that my husband always wanted to "fix" an argument before we were both calm enough to sort through our feelings and the fears and frustrations that created the discord to begin with. That made me crazy!
He would apologize and I would ask, "What are you apologizing for?" and he would reply, "I don't know, I just don't want you to be upset anymore." AARRGGHH!!!
Time, patience and space to sort things through will only help both of you to figure out where all of these feelings are coming from; as far as your wife seeing her counselor, that can only be good! Any mental health professional worth their salt will understand the well of emotions that we all go through in this damnable disease. HE/she is probably well aware of the raw emotion that facing death brings up, especially when you have minor children to consider. Even without the kids, you have built a life together that didn't include cancer and now you have to deal with a life-threatening(and life-changing) disease that you had no choice in being a part of your family's lives.
I hope that you both find some perspective in this situation and realize that you will be different people when the dust finally settles; no one can live through this and not be a changed person. It's up to you how you change; you can learn and grow form it or you can put your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. I'm sure you know that any opportunity to grow in a marriage is never a completely pain-free occurrence but, it is always worth working at it together.
Please keep trying; you didn't come this far and create a beautiful family to let a miserable disease take it all away. Again, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Have a good weekend,
Hollyberry

Thank you

gthufford — Wed, 20 May 2009 02:03:39 -0400

Hollyberry,

What a blessing you are to post this comment. I will have to decide whether or not to share your comments with my wife - I think if I do it will be for selfish reasons, so I probably will not. To me, your comments come at a time where I need them more than you can ever know.

Tonight, my wife and I were snuggling on the couch, which we really haven't done since I had my "freak-out" on Saturday night. I was so happy to be able to do this, until she told me that her day was hard, and that I was the majority of her current stress. I could handle this, except that she told me she did not want to talk to me about it, and that there was nothing I could do to help her. When we went to bed, she would not let me touch her - pretty hard stuff, though well deserved on my part.

She is seeing her counseler on Friday - a special appointment that she made just to talk about me and my most recent freak-out. I am scared out of my mind that her counseler might tell her she would be better off to leave. Logically, I can't imagine her counseler saying this, but you know what runs through your mind during times like this.

Most importantly, our 1 year anniversary of the cancer diagnosis is next Friday, and I want to help her as much through this as I can. She is really scared, and she can't trust me to help because of my recent actions. What a mess I have created.

I hope that someday I will look back on this and be able to help someone else who is going through this - much as you have helped me tonight. That seems like a long ways away, and it is hard to believe we will ever get there.

Thank you very much for your comments.

Thank you hollyberry for

david54 — Tue, 19 May 2009 11:45:26 -0400

Thank you hollyberry for your support and insight. It’s not always stressful-my wife says I make her laugh.

We were outside and being attacked by mosquitoes. One landed on her arm – I told her it dropped dead from ingesting her chemo and so I took her gently over to the roses and brushed her skin over the aphids – she laughed at that one (fortunately!).

Sometimes she will say things that make me laugh too. One time I kissed the top of her head where she is losing her hair and I had not shaved for two days. She said “You are hurting my bald spot.” For some reason we just broke up and I still laugh at work when I think of that and people wonder what is going on my head.

Patience,Humility and Understanding...

hollyberry — Tue, 19 May 2009 10:26:13 -0400

Dear G and David,
I am a wife and mother, a cancer survivor and I've been as strong as steel and as weak as a baby. I can say that my husband (God bless that wonderful man!!!) has been a saint through all of my surgeries, chemos and endless appointments and tests. We have had some Hellacious fights but, we have always talked our problems through when we finally settle down. I needed patience, space and conversely, a shoulder to cry on and someone to take care of all of the details of life when I was too sick to do those things myself. Cancer is hard on all of us. Please try to be extra patient- your wife will never forget that. If you have to walk away when she is in a bad mood, please do it. Chemo and pain can really make us crazy sometimes. It is no fault of the patient or the caregiver that creates some of these fights; it is more the enormity and fear of the situation that we have all been thrown into. If there is anything I have learned, it its this- caregivers are angels and the person suffering through cancer treatments and after-effects will appreciate all that you have done, when they finally have the strength and peace to look back on all that you have done to help.
These are difficult days for both of you; take the time to give comfort to your wives and they will forgive any short-comings in the end. I know that my husband focused on things that I thought were so meaningless while I was suffering from chemo and post-surgical pain but, he was doing what he thought was best for our family. It drove me crazy until I looked at the situation through his eyes; he was doing what he felt he
could control and I was thinking "Who cares about cheaper car insurance when I'm dying!?!" It's a matter of perspective, I guess. He did what he thought would help us in the long-run and I didn't think there would be a long-run. I wanted his time and attention then, not when the bills were paid and he got around to checking on me. I am not saying he wasn't attentive- he was. I just had different needs at different times and I needed to make that clear to him. When I did, he did all that he could to help me.
Communication, patience and putting your priorities in order will help. Be patient with your wives and yourselves; everybody gets beat up through this process. God willing, we will all come out of it wiser and more compassionate in the end.
God bless,
Hollyberry

David54

gthufford — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:23:10 -0400

It is very nice to hear from someone going through this. I appreciate your comments very much - sounds very familiar.

I screwed up pretty bad this weekend. We got into a fight Saturday Night that went into Sunday morning, and we both said some things that we didn't mean - mostly me. I'm just so on edge over everything that sometimes it seems that I can't stop myself. Now, after a long time of me being on my absolute best behavior, I feel like I am starting over with her, and she thinks I just revealed my true self.

It couldn't have come at a worse time - her aunt is dying (probably this week) of a cancer that had been in remission for 15 years. My wife is really struggling over this, and I had to pick this time to lose my composure. She is back to being friendly with me, but very short of the loving relationship that we had finally gotten back to after a few tough weeks.

All I can do is start over, and not slip up again. I hope that she finds it in her heart to forgive me.

Thanks again for sharing.

Cancer wrecking you marriage

david54 — Sun, 17 May 2009 23:46:51 -0400

I can only share my experience with my wives cancer. In November 2007 she was told she had stage 4 colon cancer and within one damn week her surgeon told her there was no hope and her situation was essentially hopeless. We were absolutely devastated. She told me on a walk that afternoon that I was a miracle in her life. That before she’d met me I was the man she’d prayed to God for and her prayer was answered. I thought to myself “This is what I’ve been waiting to hear for the past 30 years!” They were the most "Intimate” words I’d ever heard from her mouth.

When she started treatment and actually felt better then those words stopped and the issues that had been smoldering in our relationship came back to the surface. There are days I want to ring her neck! I feel as if she is the most demanding woman on this earth and her husband “Mr. Mother Teresa” (LOL) is being neglected here! But I have been with her to every doctors visit, helped her jump through the hoops for disability, “reframe” bad news after her CT scans. From a hot water bottle to her stomach after Irinotecan to Ensure and prune juice at midnight, I have done everything I can to support her, short of donating half my liver which I would do if it would help.

Facing our mortality brings all kinds of emotions out. It might be your wife may even wonder if there will be a future woman after she dies in your life. If there is past pain in the relationship that is still “raw” then the fact she is already dealing with body image changes and emotional and physical pain can make her feel insecure. Sometimes behind my wife’s message of “You spend too much time on the computer” (which is true) is “Be with me and talk. I want to see you. I am scared and your presence makes me feel better.”

Thank you for your courage and honesty in sharing this with us. I thought I was the only husband going crazy!

Cancer may be wrecking my marriage

gthufford — Wed, 13 May 2009 22:41:12 -0400

I love my wife more than ever, and I am afraid that though her cancer prognosis is fairly good (keeping our fingers crossed), I may now lose my marriage. In both my wife's and my opinion, we had an excellent marriage before the cancer. Now she tells me constantly that I "can't understand" what she is going through, that I am a stress in her life that she doesn't need right not, and that once we are done with chemo, the real problems will begin.

I'm no saint, but I have stood by my wife through thick and thin, I was there everyday for her through the surgery, and she is the number 1 priority in my life. I've backed off when she needs me to back off, I've comforted her and snuggled with her when she needs that, we've sacrificed financially to support her not having to work, etc. Still, she now sees me through what she calls her "post cancer" eyes, and I guess she doesn't like what she sees.