Cancer Survivors Network - Divorce, illness and the Holidays - so it starts, sigh - Comments

Oh great here comes Christmas. Coping strategies?

bluerose — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 12:54:25 -0400

Anyone have any coping strategies for dealing with difficult family situations at Christmas? Hide comes to mind and don't answer the phone til January 2nd. lol.

Used to be so excited about Christmas but after years of dealing with side effects of treatments and family who doesn't get it, not so much anymore and it ticks me off. I WANT MY CHRISTMAS BACK.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Blessings, Bluerose

Dat's the way the cookie bounces, lol

bluerose — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 08:36:44 -0400

Crumbles, bounces? Get it. Ball bounces, cookie crumbles? Get it, get it? lol.

No you weren't blase about it at all, no worries there. I think the bottomline for me with my daughter now is that I have to realize that she is now under the spell of her boyfriend's family and has thrown her own away. It's a long story but it's a hurtful situation to a Mother for sure. You would have been stunned at how yesterday in the Internal Specialists office she had come in with me and she sat there and read her book throughout the whole appt. when the doctor was talking to me about my surgery. It was so unreal the doc kept looking over at her lack of concern or interest. I don't know what's wrong with her but I believe that her boyfriend and maybe his family are behind this estrangement for a great part of it.

Oh well, I am trying to 'let go and let God', somedays I suceed more in doing that than other days. Hope today is a good one for you Zahster. Blessings, Bluerose

I am sorry, hun...

zahalene — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:56:00 -0400

I was way too blasse' (is that right?) in my response. I had no idea you and your daughter had such a difficult time with your relationship. We just sweep it all under the rug and try not to trip over the bulges it causes.
Anyway, I am sorry the visit is not all you hoped it would be. Hugs.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men ......

bluerose — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 06:55:24 -0400

Got all her favourite foods in and snacks, rented movies she would like, blah blah blah, had on a happy face and almost from the getgo she started talking about 'stuff', the dreaded 'stuff'. Okay, I thought to myself, I can handle this - stay calm and give advice where needed - no more no less and it seemed to work - 6 hours worth of working. Man, I'm exhausted. It's such a long story to totally understand what happened but her 'getting along' well with me and me with her lasted about 24 hours then it was like a switch flicked off in her head. She was quiet all day yesterday and thankfully a friend came over, who is like a second daughter to me, and I got all the hugs and 'I love you's' from her so that was good. It would take me an hour to tell you about it Zah but one thing that really sparked the whole thing here was how obvious it was that she really has little caring for me whatsoever, or at least doesn't seem to know how to show it if she does.

I saw that comment about your daughter wanting to take care of you Zah, CHERISH THAT because when it isn't there it's HELL. The bed wasn't soft enough, the pillows were too hard, the coffee was too strong. I busted my butt to get the place ready but it's not good enough for her and I'm not either is how she treats me.

This morning going off to an internal specialist who is going to run tests to advise me on my upcoming surgery, if I have it, and my daughter has got me so upset I haven't been able to think about the appt or notes or what I am going to say at all. I have my notes but haven't gone over them. I will in the waiting room I guess.

So I just wanted to say to you Zah, really enjoy your daughter's caring because there is nothing worse to a Mother than ungreatful, uncaring children. Now that's pain.

Love ya Zah, enjoy your daughter. Blessings, Bluerose

Ahhh, yes, the dreaded holidays

zahalene — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:17:51 -0400

Here's what I do when my daughter comes for an extended stay:
She likes to feel she is 'taking care' of me, so I have some project in mind for her to help me with. Making curtains, or re-arranging the furniture (she has a real knack for interior design). That keeps us away from other 'issues' and gives us excuses to giggle and just be silly.
Maybe you and daughter could work on your Christmas shopping list? Or create some holiday decorations?
Just a thought.
Hugs hun, u'll be fine.

Now it's Thanksgiving here in Canada - daughter coming to visit

bluerose — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 12:50:04 -0400

Holidays can be sooooooooo stressful. Just broke my back, or so it feels, getting ready for my daughter's 3 day visit with me, well 2 and a half, my ex paid for her trip out so I guess that gives him dibs on her time and so I get the leftovers of her time - oh well that's how it goes. She has already had a big turkey dinner so I told her I would do samosas (an east indian phyllo treat), her favourite food, and of course I made pumpkin pies and have whipping cream so that will be good. Bought a little pumpkin to decorate so it will be fun.

It's going to rain the whole time she is here which is okay as I am feeling very tired and unfortunately I have to take her with me when I go for a specialist's appt on Tuesday for my surgery but again, that will be okay, it's the way I live so that's the way the cookie crumbles, lol. It will still be a chance for us to talk.

My daughter and I have had a rough go, long story, but I am determined to stay away from sensitive issues and ignore her trying to suck me into an arguement. I am trying to take the Zen approach. Sheeesh. A Zen Taurus, don't know if that is even possible. lol.

Anywho pray for me, should be interesting. Breathe, breathe, breathe, lol.

All the best, Bluerose

N/A

username32 — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 08:19:46 -0400

This comment has been removed by the Moderator

I saw that

zahalene — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 05:24:13 -0500

If I thought my ex was really dangerous I would certainly do anything I could to prevent anyone else from being threatened. But, thank God, he is just a pain, not a serious threat to anyone.

LIve and Learn

blueroses — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 08:03:54 -0500

Hi Linda, I didn't realize both you and Rick were in fundraising - me too. It's a wonderful field isn't it, coming up with ideas and promotions to help people, I really miss it - no energy anymore. Maybe in 2009 I will latch on to some cause I come up with a plan for them for fundraising - it certainly lifts my spirits to do jobs like that.

I hope you don't overdo yourself with the Xmas dinner, afterall it's all about the fact you will be with friends and loved ones, so if there is a veggie short, only you will know, no one will care. All the best to you and yours at Xmas and I hope 2009 finds you getting better day by day. Merry Xmas.

Thank you all and I wish you the happiest of Christmases!

lindaprocopio — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:57:07 -0500

Thank you all for your kindness and support. Today I hit the grocery store to try and get the ingredients for an EASY Christmas dinner for my family, wearing a red and white Santa cap to hide my bald head, and a surgical mask to screen out all the germs everywhere. A little girl of about 2 spotted me, and pointed at me and shouted over and over with glee to her Mommy "Santa! Santa!" (I guess my white surgical mask was close enough to a beard for this tiny tike!) I had to laugh and give her a big "HO! HO! HO!" in my lowest voice. What fun! And her laughing little face took all the sting out of my being there to buy store-bought rolls, 'steam fresh' veggies, and an ice cream cake roll, all EASY substitutes for my traditional homemade crescent rolls and broccoli souffle and Copes Corn and homemade cheescakes of Christmas Past. So, although I will still make my mother's traditional Corn Bread Filling and fresh cranberry relish, the rest of my Christmas dinner menu matches my probable energy level, with so many shortcuts. And I know no one will care, but me.

Rick and I know each other from our shared work in philanthropy and fundraising, and 'met' virtually on another Message Board where we both post related to our work in that field. It was a lovely surprise to get an email from Rick a couple of months ago after I posted here the first time, recognizing me even in this new setting. Small world. (If you want to see me WITH HAIR, you can paste this into your browser: http://www.procopiofundraising.com/mission.aspx )

Thank you again! I get something from the people here that I just cannot get from anywhere else. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and renewed health in 2009!

That was a beautiful post Rick

blueroses — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:05:03 -0500

What a lovely posting and Linda I totally agree, time to take care of you now. Blessings.

Linda, you are not alone, you are a "gift"!

terato — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:29:10 -0500

Linda,

You have contributed so much in many venues, that, perhaps, this is your Christmas to rest and let your family and friends give a little back to you? Imagine that you are "Bill Bailey" and this is the final scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where all those he befriended over the years came to help him out when he was at the lowest point in his life. Stop trying to be a "human doing", and just be happy as a "human being"! Hell, I should be outside plowing snow, but I'm in here typing and listening to the radio!

Love, Courage, and Merry Christmas!

Rick

In The Darkness You Can See The Stars - lovely

blueroses — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 09:52:48 -0500

Hi Linda, I can totally relate to your post and the first Christmas after a diagnosis of cancer or going through it. I think back to my first Christmas, my kids were small, and I like you loved to fuss with baking and decorating and all the festivities. I was in a wheel chair due to the bone marrow transplant I had been through but persuaded my husband to push me through the disease filled mall (my immune system wasn't up that much yet - silly to go) in order to pick out gifts myself for my kids. I felt like I had 10 flues on top of each other but I went. One of my kids was only 3 and sat on my lap of the wheelchair as I was pushed to wait in line with them to see Santa. I remember all the sad faces when shoppers looked down and saw me in the chair (not looking too healthy) with a child on my lap at Xmas. I will never forget that scene that day. Amazing I didn't pick something up there and land back in hospital but I didn't. It was so good mentally for me to have gone but wow it was hard. Christmases became different after that for me, as they will for you, and hopefully they will become even more joyous at the thought that you are a survivor and hopefully will be doing better and better as years gone by. All the best in the New Year to you and yours.

Undeniable signs from Mother Guerin

blueroses — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 09:43:25 -0500

Holly, I smiled a huge smile when I read about the white bird and the 'coincidences' between you and Mother Guerin - there are no coincidences, as far as I am concerned, just little miracles that go unnoticed by some but picked up by others, like you. Oh let me tell you that when Mother Guerin is in your life, as she is now, alot of little things like that will happen. I share her with people who stand out in need to me for some reason, I don't go looking for signs either and that what makes it all more amazing when they happen. I'm so glad you went to her site and hope you put in a prayer request for you and yours. Praying is so powerful as you well know - that bird was no coincidence - white yet, sheeesh. lol. Happy Holidays. Glad I could help in this small way.

All hugs welcome!!

hollyberry — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 09:35:20 -0500

So glad you got that hug from your son; nothin' better for the for beating the blues!

I totally get the disappointment in the hellfire and brimstone theology; it drove me away for many years, also. I am now a free-lance Catholic (teehee) and let God judge me by my actions, attitude and prayers. I did have an awesome thing happen before I wrote you, though, and I have to share it (hope you don't mind). I was having so much pain yesterday from the chemo and had to lay in bed with heat on my legs for the cramping. I was praying and asked for relief and help, as this was such a bad round for me; after I got up, the most beautiful pure-white bird flew right over my window as I was doing dishes and I felt it was an answer to my prayers. Then, I got on site and you recommended Saint Theodore Guerin- Wow!! She had quite an effect on my psyche. A woman who suffered with digestive and abdominal pain all her life; quite a coincidence (I have had many surgeries on bowel and intestines and ended up with a colostomy). I don't go looking for "signs" but, this was unbelievable to me. Thanks, blue, for thinking of me and sharing what is sometimes a tough subject to broach. Your courage made my day; you are a very special girl and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Have a wonderful time with your son and know that I am with you in spirit on Christmas day and always!
Hollyberry

Divorce, illness and the Holidays - so it starts, sigh

blueroses — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:16:55 -0500

Sigh. here we go. Is it unavoidable or not so much? My son just got here from out of town for the holidays and my ex (grrrr) only brought him in for a week. In Canada only a week to fly from one province to another in the winter is nuts, snowstorms make the cancellation and delay situation almost a certainty thus reducing my son's time here with his friends and family. Anywho, a tug is beginning for my son's attention and as much as I am trying to be understanding my ex pays no attention to the fact that I am not well and need advance notice and is making it more difficult than need be. Again I am trying to just breathe and allow my son to have a happy holiday but I want to see him too, God only knows when he will be back again and who knows how I will be, physcially, in the future either. Divorce, illness and the Holidays, sigh, Ho, ho, ho, sheeesh. Anyone feeling the same tugs out there?