Cancer Survivors Network - trying to cope with losing Mom - Comments

Not Fair

lifeisntfair — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 05:49:48 -0500

A lot of people have experienced this great loss but like I said its not fair and every little thing reminds me of her and its hard to sleep at night. One of my friends who lost their mother to cancer said things get better with time unfortunately I hate when people tell me that because I know for me it wont, the grief will always be there and I know thats not healthy but I can't change how I feel. People can move on but I will never be that happy carefree person.

Not Fair

grandmafay — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:19:29 -0500

You are right. Life isn't fair, but then nobody ever said it was. I am sorry that you lost your mom. This has got to be a hard time for everyone in your family. Your mother will continue to be with you as long as you remember her and her love. Right now, though, you need to grieve. It is a process and each of us must find our own way. You may need some help, and you shouldn't try to do this alone. If talking with your family is not helping, find a grief group or counselor. Talk with your dr, you may need to take meds for awhile. There is no shame in finding help. Remember, too, that others in your family are grieving. They may grieve differently, but they are grieving. Just as you say they will never understand you, they may feel that you are not understanding them. Also, it is very early in your grief. Time will help even though it may not heal your hurt. Right now it is very raw. Take care of yoursel. It is what your mother would want.

I am so sorry for your loss.

MomsBaby — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:28:44 -0500

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on sept. 10, 2011. She was 48. I will be 22 on the 18 th of this month. She was diagnosed in 2007 and fought a long and hard battle. She was the strongest and the most perfect person in the world! She was a full out christian lady, oh how she loved the lord! But that is what confused me and made me MAD!!! God took that special woman from me, my mama, and wouldnt cure her or let her live just a little longer! Everyone says it takes time but I dont see it happening. I have so much left in my life to do just like you and its like who do I share it with? Yes, I have a wonderful family but they arent my mama. I try to put on my happy face but it is very hard. I come home from work every night and cry my eyes out listening to her sing, I am so glad she had it recorded. But if we hang in there together maybe we can make it!

I feel your pain

lifeisntfair — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 04:12:55 -0500

My mom just died this week and my life has changed forever. She had endometrial cancer and I found out less than 5 months ago. As I saw here health slowly deteriorate each month I kept praying she would make it into the new year at least. I spent many days in and out of the hospital, nights in the icu and then the hospice watching her suffering and having to be heavily medicated to remain comfortable. I miss her like crazy and Im only 22. Like you I cant imagine ever getting married now or having kids. I have a younger sister who is 21 and although she is hurting I know she wants to move forward and graduate to make our mother proud. But for me every second I eat or feel a second of being happy I think about how she is not here to spend it with me and it kills me because I rather be with her. My family I feel will never understand nor will my friends even though some of them have lost their mother to cancer and have managed to enjoy life years later I don't think I ever will and I don't know what to do. My Mother was 49 and my biggest supporter. Any thing I did she was proud of and even when we fought she could never stay mad at me for more than a minute. She was always there for me and worked hard to give my sister and I a good life. She was diagnosed last jan and kept it a secret for 8 months because she wanted to protect my sister and I. She is truly an angel and deserved so much more.

my mum died on the

manda_branka — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 06:41:22 -0500

my mum died on the 25.10.2011. technically she beat lymphoma. she got it in 2008 did 2chimos and 3 months later she got it back aggressivly they decided to do a bone narrow transplant and intensive radiation. transplant started 1st jube this yeah and she stayed in the hospital until she went. she had everything under the sun, GVHD, infections, mucasitis, liver damage etc and she more than once was close to death but she jumped out of it numerous times with the doctors surprised. my stepdad and I were her nurses. there everyday looking after her most of the time she couldnt get out of bed but she was amazing my mum such a strong lady and she was determined to live through it. the first bone narrow didnt take because she got too sick and she was at the state were she needed 2bags of platelets and 2bags of blood a day so they tried another round on the stem cells. she fought so hard and the second round fixed that and she was making her own blood, i was so positive that she would make it home because she deserved it she went through so much, before te cancer we just left my physically abusive dad and she met my stepdad and she was finally getting happy and she got struck with cancer.
a week before she died she was walking on the walker, eating normal food and the GVHD and everything was under control and the doctors finally said she would be able to go home in a couple days, obviously with us both at home taking care of her. but the day after the doctor said that she got toxic shock and she just crashed. she was in ICU for 5 days until me n my stepdad made the decision to take her off treatment and put her on jst morphine to make it comfortable. her cries of pain and her begging us to kill her still wake me up with cold sweats in the middle of the night. to watch someone so strong fall is just tragic. im 21 i have an older brother and sister but they were hardly there so they dont understand. i stayed overnight in iCU after we took her off treatment and it took her 3 days to go. to sleep on a chair those 3 nights and watch her blood pressure slowly go down and watch her lye ther like a vegetable gargle each breathe.
i am in histeric tears everynight i dont sleep i can hardly eat and not a secod goes by that i dont miss her like crazy i feel like my world is going to end i feel broken. i cant imagine getting married and having children without her being there. i cant imagine how it gets any better how i can move on. i can only picture her sick and helpless she was likethat for over 2years its difficult to picture her old healthy self
its so unfair. she went through 30years of beating she fought a rare aggressive lymphoma and she just dies of an infection (C dephicil) which we all can get rid of that easily but she just didnt have the strength anymore and the cancer already ate away at her.
everyone tries to helpyou the first few weeks but theydont understand that those weeks u r half numb and its the month or so after that hit you and thats when most people just leave u thinking the worst parts r over and they should b ok by now. i have no one who understands my pain.
i am at the stage where all i have is anger inside me i am just so angry that someone so amazig and strong never had a brake in her life she deserved a happy ending.

one day at a time, Kevin

Noellesmom — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 05:06:44 -0500

Kevin, your mom would be so proud to know that you are doing better now.

Happiness is relative. There is comfort for you in knowing you are doing well in school, are keeping your head above water financially (and I say a prayer your find another job soon - check to see if your school has a program that can help you there - the company I work for here in Alabama mentors the local engineering college with co-op jobs and more) and just keep on keeping on, Kevin.

I'm at least twice what I suspect your age to be and I lost my mom last May and it is still hard, even for me with grown children. I think if I were you what I would be missing is having others around to talk about my mom with with and even laugh at some of the things she said and did. I hope you can keep in touch with some of the people with whom you and your mom shared a relationship - maybe an aunt or uncle or cousin?

Hugs, Kevin. Bunches of hugs. You are doing just fine for where you are in this journey of grief and recovery.

Trying to cope, too

kevinfdn — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 00:52:14 -0500

I lost my mother last year on October 12, 2010. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008. Her last week and a half was spent in the ICU on a respirator keeping her alive after a surgery. During the last 6 months of her life she had done a fine job of convincing us she was okay. She was doing everything any normal person would do: grocery shop, take care of the finances, do chores around the house, etc. All the while I was preparing to enter Texas A&M University's engineering department that fall. I had to drop out after she passed away to return home and consolidate her estate. I tried to go back the next Spring (2011), but found myself too depressed in class and ended up skipping, staying in my apartment and getting so dosed up on drugs that I couldn't move. It was the next best thing to suicide - to be out of my mind and in another world, so much that I sometimes would forget who she was. Now I'm in another city attending college and was recently laid off. I'm an only child and my parents have been divorced since I was 1 year 1 week old, and to this day my father has never supported me with anything. He wouldn't even let me live with him when my mother passed away. I'm on my own, and sometimes it just sucks. I've been prodigious about managing my finances without Mom, but can't say it's gotten easier having been laid off recently. The light at the end of the tunnel is that we only get one chance at life, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Just do what makes you happy. If people want to judge you, let them. As far as I'm concerned, everyone at my mother's funeral (and there were lots of them) who probably asked the person next to them "What is he going to do now that his mother's gone? He's all on his own and isn't even out of college." are getting their answer. I'm not on the streets, I still make good grades in college and have a place to live with a 2009 car paid off. Does this mean I'm happy? Not in the least bit. It's not good enough for me. I still strive to do what would honor my mother's wishes, and every day I find it impossible from the moment I step out of bed.

As a Mom of a young daughter

margaretmary253 — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 16:09:18 -0400

As a Mom of a young daughter I can't imagine what you went through. But I do know that if I could choose who is there with me in my final hours, it would be my Mom. And you were there for your daughter which was a great comfort. No matter how old we are, we always need our Moms, especially in the hardest of times and you were there. She had you so take comfort that you were a tremendous comfort to your her. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you.

I'm slowly healing

SandeeKav — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 08:02:56 -0400

To those who wrote to me, thank you. I am slowly healing, although only a couple of days have gone by when I have not cried in the time since both of my parents passed. I am a teacher and having the summer off is a blessing and a curse. I had time to clean out the house (by myself as my brother lives 1000 miles away), plan a service to bury them together and work on the estate business. However the curse is the idle time that I have: I relive the final days/weeks/hours I had with them...I have not reached out to bereavement groups but I speak with my parents sometimes and wear Mom's jewelry and clothing which gives me comfort and keeps them both close. I will admit it has gotten a little better. I am almost to the point of stopping the counting by weeks and will now move on to month counting..The denial/disbelief still seeps into my life (mom was only 67, dad 76), as they were sooo active (dad still worked), and I still cannot believe they are gone. But I am trying to gain some weight back and make myself happy with a little retail therapy, spending time with my college age kids and husband. I hope they are at peace and I sincerely hope I reach that peace for myself...
Thank you all!!! God Bless.

Losing an adult child

jangram1 — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 16:00:24 -0400

I lost my daughter who was only 50yrs old and who had already suffered a heart attack at 48 and survived that, then also had to pass a large kidney stone that needed to be blasted and then while healing from that she was diagnose with breast cancer. The doctor suggested she only needed a lumpectomy and he didn't even remove all of the lump during that. With a month her breast cancer has escalated and was then discovered to be a highly aggressive form of breast cancer and even after having a radical mastectomy it had already matastesized into bone cancer that had already spread to her liver and lungs. This bagan in fall of 2009 by July 1st of 2011 she died a very horrible death. She passed as I held her hand. She had suffered a fall while in the hospital to have blood transfusion that caused a hematoma and that is what the ME said she died from. We in the family who consisted of both of her brothers and son were here, have such horrid memories of her pain and agony before she died. I live in the house she passed in and everyday I am reminded of all that horror. Does anyone have words of wisdom to help a mother get past a daughters painful dying?

My mum passed away in May.I

angel mary — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 14:32:53 -0400

My mum passed away in May.I ws her primary care giver.went for al chemo session n radiation wud her.she stayed with me.when she was diagnosed last year I left work to be home with her.she had her last round of chemo in feb and doc z she ws fyn.I neva allowd ny1 to care for her cos I neva trustd dem.I felt I ws da only 1 who cud care for mummy properly to such an extent that she became "my child".In da year dat she ws diagnosed if I had to go anywhere she would be left with my sisters-but I would phone dem jus to check on her.
I watched what da cancer did to her n sugar coated da stuff for my sisters.I wanted to spare dem da pain.
My mum was da glue that held us togeta.she ws al about love and forgiveness.helped others selflessly without a complaint.she was strong and independant.
And then wen she ws struck down-i had to carry her around n bath her n feed her.N it broke me.bt I cudnt let it show cos I took care of her n she ws sensitive to our feelings.

And nw I'm standing here with a dress of hers in my hand so I cn smel her and feel her.I don't no ow to go on.I smile on top only wen I realy av to cos ppl expect dat.wen al I wna do is scream n cry.
Does it get beta wen ur only memory is of dat helpless woman she became.I miss my mummy n wud do anytin to hav her back!!!!!!!!

Your parents were

margaretmary253 — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 11:21:23 -0400

Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place

So well said and so true. It is hard enough to lose 1 parent. I could never imagine losing both in so short a time span. I really do hope you find someone or some place to help you through such a difficult process as I am sure such a loss could easily overwhelm anybody. And remember they are together and their pain and suffering has ended. God bless you.

I just lost my Mom on May

margaretmary253 — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 09:26:57 -0400

I just lost my Mom on May 29. She had gall stones and was admitted to emergency on Feb. 4th with jaundice. They said they would remove the gall blatter in the next couple of days and we were not worried, it's so routine. I met her at the ER after work and we goofed off and joked around. My sister met with us and we waited and went with her to the room she'd be staying in. My Mom never left the hospital. She had stints put in the bile duct a few days later because the stones were large and blocking flow. That procedure caused severe pancreatitis. My poor Mom suffered so many complications the 4 months she was hospitalized. They were sure there was no cancer, they ran so many tests. But, as I am sure you are well aware, gall blatter cancer is rare and difficult to detect. I knew nothing about it until very recently. She had IVs for nutrition in those 4 months, she was so strong though. I held on to hope she would get stable enough for surgery and be ok. But the surgeon did not want to do surgery for fear of her being too weak passing. Her liver, pancreas and ducts were too swollen to attaempt anything. Her condition was so up and down. She would be doing so awful and then she would bounce back and we would think "Finally. She's going to keep improving now and we can get this over with and take her home." Then she would fall back again to even worse then the last time. Eventually, after 4 months of this, there was no other option and she was transferred to a better staffed hospital. Her surgeon knew a good surgeon there and seemed confident she would be ok. She got there on Thurs, they tried one last procedure Friday, she went into critical condition Saturday morning and they scheduled an emergency surgery. Her blood pressure was so low they had her on meds to bring it up enough for the surgery. The surgeon sat us down 1st and explained that she may not make it through. Even if she survives the surgery, she may die in the weeks following. She has septic shock and was so sick they didn't seem too hopeful. I told my sister "If Mom dies today there is no God!" I cried and cried like never before. Finally, the surgeons called on us to meet them and let us know that they found stage 4 cancer in her gall blatter and it had spread to her abdomen and they estimated she would have 2-4 weeks left to live if she made it through the surgery and recovery process. They left the choice to us: do all they can to keep her alive or take her off of the BP meds and let her go peacefully then and there. We couldn't let her wake in all that pain just to say, "You have cancer, Mom. You only have a couple weeks." So we let her go. I have been fighting with God for a few weeks now. I am coming to terms slowly. It's only been a little over a month. My heart is still in bad shape. I know I am not myself. Losing Mom does something to you. My sister reminded me that we had 4 months where we visit with her everyday telling her we love her and spending time with her and that we should be grateful to God for that time. And she's right. It's just so unfair. I, too, just dreamt of my Mom for the 1st time last nigt and she was so happy. When I read your post I was shocked because it sounded so similar to mine. I was laughing and so happy with her. She was joking with me and I felt like a little kid (I'm 33) I was so happy to be with her. Suddenly, I realized she was passed and I started crying so hard and she was right there, comforting me. I am truly sorry for your loss. This pain is so impossible to describe. I try to act ok at work, afraid to express my sadness openly because I don't want to come off as a drama queen. I, like just about every single person on here, don't want to bring it up to my siblings because I am afraid of making them upset and ultimaitely causing them to avoid me because I need them so much right now. She was so strong. She tried so hard to get better, do her execises in her hospital bed when she had the energy. I just can't get the memories switched over to happier times yet for some reason. I am trying to be strong because I know my Mom would tell me to be strong. It's hard. It's always been just my Mom and us. She was our rock. Sorry for the novel, but reading your post opened the flood gates. I know they are still with us. Some days I have so many signs and the next my mind goes back to hopelessness. All part of the process I guess. I am glad we got our dreams, I have asked for one from the beginning, just so I could see her again and know she is ok. God bless you and help you through this process. And thank you for sharing your post, it helped me today. All of the posts that I have read here have been a comfort somehow. My heart goes out to each and everyone. Take care.

I just lost my Mom on May

margaretmary253 — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 09:26:52 -0400

time is a healing balm

Noellesmom — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 09:28:16 -0400

Although it will not seem so to you right now, Sandee. Right now, time only seems to echo your grief and you feel its resonance.

Yours was a unique struggle in a few aspects but it shares the commonality of loss many people are feeling.

You must be sure to take care of yourself and get help which you very well may need. See your family physician and tell her everything you have been through; find a grief support group, a best friend to help you through this, a church which will support you - or all of these things, if possible.

Time will help but there will always be pain associated with loss. Your parents were suffering: they are not now and it is not necessary nor desirable that you suffer in their place.

Get any and all help you need. You deserve it and you should have it.

Come back and let us know how you are doing.

trying to cope with losing Mom

swalsh — Tue, 14 Sep 2004 21:51:30 -0400

It has been a little over 1 year since I lost my Mom. She was my best friend in the world. She was diagnosed in Jan. with gall bladder cancer, only after the removal of her gall bladder due to gall stones. She passed away in Aug. The doctors said that there were no signs of cancer anywhere else and kept giving us all kinds of false hope. They also wanted to do "preventive treatment" just in case there was something they were missing. We took her to 3 different hospitals and 2 out of 3 gave us the same info. Gall bladder cancer is really rare, and there is not much known about how to treat it. So my Mom went into treatment. I watched her lose a lot of weight. I watched her become more dependent on me, my brother and Dad. I watched this once strong, independent woman become very fraile and almost childlike. I haven't really been able to talk about my Mom's passing until recently. It's felt like a nightmare to me and I would just rather not think about it. She passed away the day before her and my Dad's 30th wedding anniversary. I was only 25 when she died. I just feel really alone even though I have a wonderful family support system, my life is just different now. I don't want to talk to them because I don't want to bring them down. Is there anyone who could shed a little light on coping with such a tremendous loss? I would appreciate it.