My Beloved

Pennymac02
Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I lost my soul mate today. He passed relatively quickly and was not in pain, which was an answer to prayer. I asked God to take him quickly if there was no hope of a liver transplant. Right now I'm in a state of shock. Even though we knew this was a probable outcome, I never thought I'd find myself 500 miles from home, staying in the Fisher House, unable to get him into quality hospice care, and unable to make him comfortable in his own bed at home.

Life with cancer is full of surprises, I guess.

The next few days will be spent trying to make arrangements. My MIL will be going home on Sunday (mixed feelings)and I will stay in Richmond until cremation, then I'll bring him home to Florida myself. We will have a small memorial service in Jacksonville, and then I will bring his remains to Nebraska so he can be buried with his family.Those were his wishes. I plan on taking some much needed time off of work to just rest and regroup.

Most of the day he was laboring to breath and had his eyes closed. The only thing he said to me this morning was "I don't want to do this anymore", and I knew he was ready. But when his breathing began to slow, and I knew his time was at an end, He opened his eyes, looked directly into my eyes, and breathed his last. Then he closed his eyes and went to heaven.

I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow and this will all be a bad dream.
Penny
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Comments

  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    What can I say?
    Penney,
    I am so sorry to hear this latest news. I guess we knew it was going to happen, but when it does it is so hard to accept. Sometimes I still feel that this whole past year was a nightmare & I want to wake up and have Tom's arms around me again.
    These next days & months are going to be hard on you, but you did all you can and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.
    Please keep coming here so we can talk okay? I know how much you're hurting now & I'll help you any way I can. "Carole"
  • luz del lago
    luz del lago Member Posts: 449
    Oh, Penny, how I wish I
    Oh, Penny, how I wish I could have been there for you. Having followed your journey, I know how much love you have for your Mike. I know that we all are different, but the coming days will be difficult, but busy. You may even feel courage as you prepare to bid your beloved good-by and the arrangements that must be made. I felt as I was still my love's "caregiver" and had to continue to care for him. Now that the arrangements have been completed, I have wondered what shall I do with all this time. Everyday that passes, I try very hard to do something for myself, as I know he would have so wanted me to.
    I pray that you have support during this time and in the days to come. You must be exhausted in every sense of the word.
    Please, come here when you need to share. There are open hearts waiting to give you comfort.

    Bless you,

    Lucy
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    Penny,
    I am so sad that you

    Penny,

    I am so sad that you had to go through. My condolences to you and your family. I pray that you will find peace in the memories that you have with Mike. I will keep you in my prayers.

    God Bless!
  • lovingwifedeb
    lovingwifedeb Member Posts: 183
    Peace To You Penny
    I am very sorry for your loss and all the suffering that you and your husband have been through. I have no words that could comfort you and I will not tell you that time will make it better. May you find some peace in your heart Penny in knowing the battle was fought.

    Deb
    lovingwife to Bob, stage 4
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    Penny,
    I am so sad that you

    Penny,

    I am so sad that you and Mike had to go through this. My condolences to you and your family. I pray that you will find peace in the memories that you have with Mike. I will keep you in my prayers.

    God Bless!
  • skipper85
    skipper85 Member Posts: 229
    Something to think about

    Penney so sorry for your loss. As you know, I lost my husband about a week ago - d**n cancer. I couldn't believe he had passed (I'm still having a hard time believing it). I did feel better when I picked up his cremains and brought him home. That's where he wanted to be. I was able to get a couple very small urns for me and the kids to keep part of him with us always. I find it very comforting to have him near me. The rest will be scattered in the ocean in the spring. Just something for you to think about. The urns are very small. I keep my on my desk at home since I work there about 10 hours a day. I know there's a lot being thrown at you all at once and being so far from home doesn't help. Since I'm going through the same loss as you but I'm a little farther along, let me know if you need any info or have any questions about insurance or other things. I have learned a lot in the last few days.

    (((HUGS & LOVE)))

    Skipper
  • sarge57
    sarge57 Member Posts: 50 Member
    Very Sorry Penny
    Penny I am so sorry for you just read about losing Mike, through your posts I have seen the rollercoaster you have been on. It is a new chapter of life you will have to deal with unfortuately many of us here have, to go through this chapter. I know personally what you are going through I am not too far behind you with my wife.

    Remember take one day at a time and you do have friends here too.

    Thinking of you,

    Hugs
    John
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    prayers
    Penny, I am so sorry to hear your news but glad to know he is no longer suffering.

    Lifting prayers for you and your family during this time.

    Have a safe trip home and then on to Nebraska. Let us hear from you.

    Hugs.
  • hope0310
    hope0310 Member Posts: 320

    prayers
    Penny, I am so sorry to hear your news but glad to know he is no longer suffering.

    Lifting prayers for you and your family during this time.

    Have a safe trip home and then on to Nebraska. Let us hear from you.

    Hugs.

    So very sorry...
    Penny my heart aches for your loss. It has been such a rollercoaster ride. Praying for you and all of Mikes family for strength and peace during this time.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.


    Elysia
  • karenbeth
    karenbeth Member Posts: 194
    so sorry
    I have been following your story and am sorry to hear about your loss. You were an amazing caregiver and have amazing strength. I am glad that your beloved's last moments were looking into your eyes.

    Karen
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    karenbeth said:

    so sorry
    I have been following your story and am sorry to hear about your loss. You were an amazing caregiver and have amazing strength. I am glad that your beloved's last moments were looking into your eyes.

    Karen

    So heart breaking
    I'm sorry Penny, I know you are hurting. You have been an awesome caregiver. You endured all with such grace. A big hug to you from me. Take care
    Love, Jennifer
  • debbieg5
    debbieg5 Member Posts: 167
    I understand
    Penny,
    I am so sorry to hear this news. Unfortunately, it's not a bad dream that we can wake up from. We just had my husband's (Ken)funeral today. It still doesn't seem real. Every hour or so there is something else that pops up to remind that he won't be here any more to be a part of our lives. I hope you have lots of family and friends to be with you during the next week or so as alll the preparations are made. It would be impossible to do this alone. Stay in touch and we will make our way through this.
    My prayers are with you and your family today.
    debbie
  • luz del lago
    luz del lago Member Posts: 449
    debbieg5 said:

    I understand
    Penny,
    I am so sorry to hear this news. Unfortunately, it's not a bad dream that we can wake up from. We just had my husband's (Ken)funeral today. It still doesn't seem real. Every hour or so there is something else that pops up to remind that he won't be here any more to be a part of our lives. I hope you have lots of family and friends to be with you during the next week or so as alll the preparations are made. It would be impossible to do this alone. Stay in touch and we will make our way through this.
    My prayers are with you and your family today.
    debbie

    debbie
    Sending prayers your way, and hugs, too. This new "club" we belong to has very high dues. The comfort is knowing that we can be here for each other.
    God bless you,
    Lucy
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    the worst ones are the ones you dont wake from
    Not much I can say hun. I'm here, be safe, ask for all the help you need, and turn down nothing that is offered. He will be with you as long as you hold his memory in you heart.

    Love n hugs,
    April
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    in our hearts
    Penny, not much I can add to all the thoughts others have gave you. I know my heart is with you. If the road ahead gets dark and lonely you can always call one of us . We love and care about you.
    I wish I could wake up and find this is all just a bad dream too. That we did not met in such a way. But I know I am a better person for each one of you have helped me so much. you are forver in my heart.

    Love
    Jennie
  • junklady
    junklady Member Posts: 88 Member
    So sorry
    Penny- I'm so sorry to hear the sad news. I know everything is overwhelming and so unreal right now. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I recall when my Dale passed away Aug. 29. The days ahead are going to tough, but just take one step at a time. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way. Please take care.

    Cyndi
  • Em11
    Em11 Member Posts: 15 Member
    Saddened
    Please know that you are thought of and prayed for. I wish I could do more. I feel so badly for you.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    so sorry
    Penny, I am so sorry that things turned out this way. You both fought as hard as you could, but you already know that. I wish it was a bad dream. Things will get better.

    PM me if you need on-the-ground help in Richmond. My daughter has been out of the country but she's back now, lives down in the university area and can be enlisted to do whatever you need.
  • Em11 said:

    Saddened
    Please know that you are thought of and prayed for. I wish I could do more. I feel so badly for you.

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • cher8871
    cher8871 Member Posts: 64
    Barbara53 said:

    so sorry
    Penny, I am so sorry that things turned out this way. You both fought as hard as you could, but you already know that. I wish it was a bad dream. Things will get better.

    PM me if you need on-the-ground help in Richmond. My daughter has been out of the country but she's back now, lives down in the university area and can be enlisted to do whatever you need.

    prayers
    penny, i'm so sad to read your news. prayers for strength and grace for you and the family!