get it together HOW

zinniemay
zinniemay Member Posts: 522
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
How do you get it together? I am having one of the days no one wants . I feel so alone even the dust left the room. I want to just cry and scream and maybe kick a door , but I know I would have to fix it. I am so sure I am lossing my mind or at least forgot where I put the darn thing.
I am so sad and can not explain why , So lonely So very very lonely. All the what if's and whys seam to hit me in the head today.
Is it just one of "then" days or is others feeling this way? How can I control this and put on a happy face.
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Comments

  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    I Understand
    I've had several of those days myself. I have a good cry (a messy, bawling, cry) and I feel better afterward. I go in the bathroom or outside or even to my car. A couple of times he has realized Im breaking down and we comfort each other.

    Others have told me to just think about one day at a time. THIS day, he is ok, this day there is enough money, this day he can eat, this day he feels good.... etc.

    I will probably be a basket case as we get closer to surgery on the 15th, so please remind me of this!

    Hang in there and know that you are not alone and we understand. ((HUGS))
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    grief
    I think we just naturally start grieving terrible things before they actually happen, and that the advance freakout is part of the process. You sound normal but in pain to me! I hope this link is easy to type, to a Wendell Berry poem about the peace of the wild things, who live in the moment and don't experience grief until it comes. Helps to quietly put things in perspective.

    http://www.gratefulness.org/poetry/peace_of_wild_things.htm
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    Me too
    Maybe we all have too much holiday down time because of the long weekend, but I'm going through this today, too. I'm really tired today because last night was one of those "sleeping with one ear open" nights because he was so uncomfortable, and Tues and Weds of this next week we're going to go back for the CT to see if the embolization slowed the tumors and I'm desperately trying not to look ahead with worry. I am able to focus on living in the moment for a short time, and then my brain takes off on another "what if" tangent and I have to make my gratitude list again and reel in my thoughts back to just for today...

    Thanks guys, for posting that you felt this way; I was feeling kind of alone with it.
    Penny
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Me too
    Maybe we all have too much holiday down time because of the long weekend, but I'm going through this today, too. I'm really tired today because last night was one of those "sleeping with one ear open" nights because he was so uncomfortable, and Tues and Weds of this next week we're going to go back for the CT to see if the embolization slowed the tumors and I'm desperately trying not to look ahead with worry. I am able to focus on living in the moment for a short time, and then my brain takes off on another "what if" tangent and I have to make my gratitude list again and reel in my thoughts back to just for today...

    Thanks guys, for posting that you felt this way; I was feeling kind of alone with it.
    Penny

    Thank you guys
    I pposted it because some times I have a pity party and no one comes over ! I get so down I feel bad. Then I read their are others who feel this way. I have a small moment where I can say to myself I am "Normal"
    It means allot to hear I am not alone (bad for others) BUt it helps me to know If I am crazy then I am not alone.
    We had some upsetting news Friday Of course it is a Holiday weekend gives us a extra day of worry. Cause the place we need to go to is closed for the holiday. I worry all the time but when he worries it stresses me so much . He gets really down in the dumps and I follow! Hopfully we will get it strieghten out Tuesday.
    But I want you to know you guys made my day I am alone but not so alone!
  • zinniemay said:

    Thank you guys
    I pposted it because some times I have a pity party and no one comes over ! I get so down I feel bad. Then I read their are others who feel this way. I have a small moment where I can say to myself I am "Normal"
    It means allot to hear I am not alone (bad for others) BUt it helps me to know If I am crazy then I am not alone.
    We had some upsetting news Friday Of course it is a Holiday weekend gives us a extra day of worry. Cause the place we need to go to is closed for the holiday. I worry all the time but when he worries it stresses me so much . He gets really down in the dumps and I follow! Hopfully we will get it strieghten out Tuesday.
    But I want you to know you guys made my day I am alone but not so alone!

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    Caregiver is a Lonely Job
    I have found over the last 14 months that being the primary caregiver is a lonely job. Even though my husband tries to not isolate himself, he does somewhat. Between that, and other people truly not understanding, it is lonely. My family and friends THINK they understand - but as we here know - they really don't unless they've been here.

    It's so helpful to come here and have others that truly do understand.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652

    Me too
    Maybe we all have too much holiday down time because of the long weekend, but I'm going through this today, too. I'm really tired today because last night was one of those "sleeping with one ear open" nights because he was so uncomfortable, and Tues and Weds of this next week we're going to go back for the CT to see if the embolization slowed the tumors and I'm desperately trying not to look ahead with worry. I am able to focus on living in the moment for a short time, and then my brain takes off on another "what if" tangent and I have to make my gratitude list again and reel in my thoughts back to just for today...

    Thanks guys, for posting that you felt this way; I was feeling kind of alone with it.
    Penny

    one ear open
    Oh, Penny, I know. My battle-scarred late stage ovarian mama got a new chemo on Friday, and I'm spending the weekend keeping her calm and quiet because the poor thing is having scary cardiac complications. A Labor Day to remember, huh.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Caregiver is a Lonely Job
    I have found over the last 14 months that being the primary caregiver is a lonely job. Even though my husband tries to not isolate himself, he does somewhat. Between that, and other people truly not understanding, it is lonely. My family and friends THINK they understand - but as we here know - they really don't unless they've been here.

    It's so helpful to come here and have others that truly do understand.

    empty
    I just have this empty feeling , and I worry over all things and anything. I have always worried but somehow could control it not now. So Have the all this things running thru my head . I can't even think.
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    zinniemay said:

    empty
    I just have this empty feeling , and I worry over all things and anything. I have always worried but somehow could control it not now. So Have the all this things running thru my head . I can't even think.

    My therapist has reccomended a book that I've been reading called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Condron. It a little different philosophy than I'm used to, but it talks about finding peace and acceptance regardless of ugly difficult situations and seems to be helping me. I am trying to cope with life on hold, not knowing the extent of the cancer, whether he'll be eligible for a transplant, whether its metastisized, we don't even know what stage it is yet, because we are dealing with the VA and they just don't communicate. The radiologist said 6 months to 2 years, but you know how that goes. Nothing concrete. I've even pulled his medical records to find out and still don't have the info I need. So the constant worry over what I have no knowledge or control over was making me lose my mind, literally. I have posted before about just struggling to stay in the moment, it's an ongoing battle and I have to remind myself of my decision to live in the NOW almost constantly. But it's the only way I can keep from having those thoughts run through my brain over and over.

    Keep your chin up!
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    Barbara53 said:

    one ear open
    Oh, Penny, I know. My battle-scarred late stage ovarian mama got a new chemo on Friday, and I'm spending the weekend keeping her calm and quiet because the poor thing is having scary cardiac complications. A Labor Day to remember, huh.

    Oh I just hate this f'ing Cancer!
    Pardon my french.
    Penny - thanks for the mention of the book, I am going to see if I can find it.

    Hang in there.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Oh I just hate this f'ing Cancer!
    Pardon my french.
    Penny - thanks for the mention of the book, I am going to see if I can find it.

    Hang in there.

    Thanks
    Just having a few bad days I guess I have to think they all can't be good ones . Just the hard truth of life.
    I except allot of things and this is one that is not easy for anyone to except. But sometimes we are drained so much that we just slip into that bad mood and nothing gets us out of it.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    zinniemay said:

    Thanks
    Just having a few bad days I guess I have to think they all can't be good ones . Just the hard truth of life.
    I except allot of things and this is one that is not easy for anyone to except. But sometimes we are drained so much that we just slip into that bad mood and nothing gets us out of it.

    Ahha - you are human!
    There it is -that element that makes us realize we are human even if we feel we are asked to do what seems to be superhuman things!

    Zinniemay, I'm sorry for your rough day. I agree with Kimmy - too much weekend and getting off our schedules. It throws everyone.

    Gentle hugs coming to you. Bunches of them.

    Tomorrow is another day (said Scarlet)...
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Ahha - you are human!
    There it is -that element that makes us realize we are human even if we feel we are asked to do what seems to be superhuman things!

    Zinniemay, I'm sorry for your rough day. I agree with Kimmy - too much weekend and getting off our schedules. It throws everyone.

    Gentle hugs coming to you. Bunches of them.

    Tomorrow is another day (said Scarlet)...

    bless your hearts
    Thank you giuys what you do is reassume me that I am not going out the deepend or if I am allot of people are going with me.
    I was born a worrier I can not help it I have O.C.D. ANd suffer depressiong before all this.
    My husband is good he has always been the glue that binds us. And on a personal note it was a hard weekend, Not medically. He goes Thursday for Chemo and we are praying, that he will be better .
    But sometimes I think Holiday weekends you realize who your friends and family are. And if you are like me far away from family . Well you know. I am not sure they would be that much support if I lived closer to them , but nice to think they would.
    Thanks all of you.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    zinniemay said:

    bless your hearts
    Thank you giuys what you do is reassume me that I am not going out the deepend or if I am allot of people are going with me.
    I was born a worrier I can not help it I have O.C.D. ANd suffer depressiong before all this.
    My husband is good he has always been the glue that binds us. And on a personal note it was a hard weekend, Not medically. He goes Thursday for Chemo and we are praying, that he will be better .
    But sometimes I think Holiday weekends you realize who your friends and family are. And if you are like me far away from family . Well you know. I am not sure they would be that much support if I lived closer to them , but nice to think they would.
    Thanks all of you.

    Family Worrier
    I have always been the family worrier. I was the family worrier on steroids when my husband was fighting colon cancer. At first, I didn't only worry about the cancer, I worried about everything. Every change in my routine had me overwhelmed. The roller coaster ride of good times, bad times, and not knowing times was really difficult. At some point, my husband started saying to me, "Let it go dear. Just let it go." I really tried to adopt that philosophy. I even succeeded to a point. In fact, I still hear him saying that to me now. It does help. I agree that we all need to try to live in the now. It is not easy. Little things use to set me off, things that really didn't matter all that much. I can still get wound up about those little things. That is when I hear the let it go statement. I guess my advice for what it's worth is hang in there, try to appreciate today, and let those little things go. Let the big things go, too, if you can't change them. Easy to say. Hard to do. Gay
  • karenbeth
    karenbeth Member Posts: 194
    Ah, this post and the
    Ah, this post and the responses really hit home. Over the past few months I feel I've come to intellectually accept what is happening, but emotionally I am all over the place. It doesn't take much to send me from calm to despairing or on the verge of tears. My partner doesn't like me to cry in front of him over his illness, but he knows that sometimes I can't help it. When I am in a bad place I try to talk it out with him or someone else. When he was first diagnosed and out of the hospital, the first morning I was going back to work I had an anxiety attack. I have since gone back on anti depressants that I had gone off of a while ago. I am doing everything I can to keep on an even keel; otherwise I know I'll be of no use to anyone. However, I know some days or moments will be bad and I just have to see them out.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    Family Worrier
    I have always been the family worrier. I was the family worrier on steroids when my husband was fighting colon cancer. At first, I didn't only worry about the cancer, I worried about everything. Every change in my routine had me overwhelmed. The roller coaster ride of good times, bad times, and not knowing times was really difficult. At some point, my husband started saying to me, "Let it go dear. Just let it go." I really tried to adopt that philosophy. I even succeeded to a point. In fact, I still hear him saying that to me now. It does help. I agree that we all need to try to live in the now. It is not easy. Little things use to set me off, things that really didn't matter all that much. I can still get wound up about those little things. That is when I hear the let it go statement. I guess my advice for what it's worth is hang in there, try to appreciate today, and let those little things go. Let the big things go, too, if you can't change them. Easy to say. Hard to do. Gay

    GrannyFay
    Gay,
    I have read your post and I take allot from them. I was never a worrier till I had my daughter then my son and next thing I know I worried oveer everything. Slowly it became else cause I always had my husband to complain to. So now the worry is at everyone little thing. But you are right. I have to keep pushing myself to remember change the things I can and let the rest go. It is not easy and tyhere are days and some times weeks that I am so presured by all that is going on . I think this is it! I have had it I can't take anymore. and then the next day comes ever so slowly. But it does come and I can regain myself. I worry to much over some of the silliest things.
    Anyway I want you to know I do hear you and I think you give us alot of comfort. I don't know if anyone has said that to you before. But I think you have done more for us than you even knbow.
    Jennie
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    karenbeth said:

    Ah, this post and the
    Ah, this post and the responses really hit home. Over the past few months I feel I've come to intellectually accept what is happening, but emotionally I am all over the place. It doesn't take much to send me from calm to despairing or on the verge of tears. My partner doesn't like me to cry in front of him over his illness, but he knows that sometimes I can't help it. When I am in a bad place I try to talk it out with him or someone else. When he was first diagnosed and out of the hospital, the first morning I was going back to work I had an anxiety attack. I have since gone back on anti depressants that I had gone off of a while ago. I am doing everything I can to keep on an even keel; otherwise I know I'll be of no use to anyone. However, I know some days or moments will be bad and I just have to see them out.

    I Got Some Help
    About 10 days ago I went to my PCP and got a very small dose/mild anti depressant. It has helped me tremendously. I have not had a crying fit in several days. It has really evened me out to where I am able to be positive with my husband and not be so emotional, which he hates.

    I am still worried, scared and all those things, but I seem to be dealing with it more on an intellectual level like Karen said, than all the emotional stuff. I feel much better and think I am much easier to get along with, and much more helpful to my husband. (Which will be become even more important after his surgery.)

    There is no easy answer to any of this and frankly, I don't see how we will get out of this without some sort of PTSD.

    One day at a time.....
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522

    I Got Some Help
    About 10 days ago I went to my PCP and got a very small dose/mild anti depressant. It has helped me tremendously. I have not had a crying fit in several days. It has really evened me out to where I am able to be positive with my husband and not be so emotional, which he hates.

    I am still worried, scared and all those things, but I seem to be dealing with it more on an intellectual level like Karen said, than all the emotional stuff. I feel much better and think I am much easier to get along with, and much more helpful to my husband. (Which will be become even more important after his surgery.)

    There is no easy answer to any of this and frankly, I don't see how we will get out of this without some sort of PTSD.

    One day at a time.....

    I don't ask for help because
    I don't ask for help because I usually am the one ro help them and get nothing from anyone except for what can I do for them. no one in the family calls anyone unless they need something. That is just so wrong.
    This is a post I got frrom a cousin, Now this is what I know of her 8 siblings all but two live with in miles of me. She found out she has cancer.This month.
    What is the problem? Last year while finishing chemo and rads, My husband and I went to her mother's funeral and did all the things we though we could. But not once then or up to now did or have they asked if we needed help.
    My neice who lives about a hour away could always find tine to drop her kids of here for us to watch for the weekend. Her in laws live 8 miles from us. They go visit them but I have not seen her since before Greg found out he had cancer. Her kids are older now so the in laws like having them around.
    My brother was going to come up but planned on bring a step grandchild (One year old) I said I don't do babies Greg immune system is down so Now not speaking to me!
    I came from a family of 9 there are 6 left. They don't call or anything usless I can give them something.
    Friends well the few I have One said her husband would be home she was going to come over , well she did for a hour cause they were going to a friends so though they would stop by (three days late).
    Greg was so sick but a friend need a thing moved (required five trips up and down a basement and three times out side) and two door locks . As sick as he was he did it for her. Our thanks three times she said she was going to come by . Ha still waiting!
    What is up with people? Seams if you know how to use people you have it made.
    Vent one two three Vent!
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member

    I Got Some Help
    About 10 days ago I went to my PCP and got a very small dose/mild anti depressant. It has helped me tremendously. I have not had a crying fit in several days. It has really evened me out to where I am able to be positive with my husband and not be so emotional, which he hates.

    I am still worried, scared and all those things, but I seem to be dealing with it more on an intellectual level like Karen said, than all the emotional stuff. I feel much better and think I am much easier to get along with, and much more helpful to my husband. (Which will be become even more important after his surgery.)

    There is no easy answer to any of this and frankly, I don't see how we will get out of this without some sort of PTSD.

    One day at a time.....

    Me too
    Got to my PCP yesterday and got my medication as well. I also found out that my blood pressure, which is usually "high normal" was through the roof. She wrote a note for me to stay home from work, said go home and take the anti depressant and start on this BP medication. (It kinda made me more depressed and anxious to find out about the high BP LOL) Anyway, I did as she suggested, started to read a book, and woke up four hours later. I'll be taking that at dinner time from now on! Hopefully it will get better once my body gets used to it.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    zinniemay said:

    I don't ask for help because
    I don't ask for help because I usually am the one ro help them and get nothing from anyone except for what can I do for them. no one in the family calls anyone unless they need something. That is just so wrong.
    This is a post I got frrom a cousin, Now this is what I know of her 8 siblings all but two live with in miles of me. She found out she has cancer.This month.
    What is the problem? Last year while finishing chemo and rads, My husband and I went to her mother's funeral and did all the things we though we could. But not once then or up to now did or have they asked if we needed help.
    My neice who lives about a hour away could always find tine to drop her kids of here for us to watch for the weekend. Her in laws live 8 miles from us. They go visit them but I have not seen her since before Greg found out he had cancer. Her kids are older now so the in laws like having them around.
    My brother was going to come up but planned on bring a step grandchild (One year old) I said I don't do babies Greg immune system is down so Now not speaking to me!
    I came from a family of 9 there are 6 left. They don't call or anything usless I can give them something.
    Friends well the few I have One said her husband would be home she was going to come over , well she did for a hour cause they were going to a friends so though they would stop by (three days late).
    Greg was so sick but a friend need a thing moved (required five trips up and down a basement and three times out side) and two door locks . As sick as he was he did it for her. Our thanks three times she said she was going to come by . Ha still waiting!
    What is up with people? Seams if you know how to use people you have it made.
    Vent one two three Vent!

    Hello ZinnieMay
    First I

    Hello ZinnieMay
    First I wanted to tell you thank you for making me laugh today. I read your first post, sorry you were having one of "those" days, but when I read even the dust left your house, I was laughing! I know too well the same feeling. Yesterday was the 6th month mark that my dad has passed. It is so hard. Again I felt that ache in my chest, or the feeling that I would wake up and he would still be here. You have to have a sense of humor to be able to deal with all of the things us caregivers have to do daily. Hope today finds you a little better. You can always come here, we will be waiting for you. Keep in touch. And...let me know if you find your mind....I think both of our minds might be together! You have to laugh, it seems to make it all a little better.
    Tina