Today

My mother is amazing and beautiful. We had a really good talk last night and I found myself feeling calm and even happy afterward. We wanted so much more time...but we are lucky we have so many good memories and a closeness that is worth more than anything. She is my favorite person in the world. I know that because of all that we have shared I will be able to find her everywhere. We are both worried about my father. What he will do. We have so much to plan and talk about. I'm going for a week July 3rd through 11th so we can get some things mapped out. They are considering renting an RV and trying to see a few places my mom has always wanted to go. My dad is ready to quit his job but we can't abandon reality entirely. My mom still needs health insurance (hate that this dictates so many important life and family choices in this country).

Mama said she is relieved and not fearful. She says it is harder for my dad and I now. She wanted to make sure I wasn't mad at her for not doing more chemo. I told her of course I wasn't mad, that I'm with her no matter what. That I think she is making the right decision. See what I mean about amazing? This year has been really awful for her - she has suffered so much. Last night she was talking about what she wanted to eat - after being uninterested in food for months. She said she could have had less time, that she just wants to talk and spend as much time together as we can. She talked about Grandpa again, how difficult it was for her, how it was the first thing she thought of when she woke up for a long, long time. She said she knows how much I'm going to miss her.