Poison or Medicine?

aysemari
aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hello everybody,

I can not tell you what a HARD, hard time I am having coming to terms with chemo. The more research
I do, the more unsettled I become. I already have my port and everything and I am supposed to be ready
to got but instead every cell in my body is still rebelling.
Did you actually do research and make a conscious decision, or did let your fear lead you? I am feeling rushed
and don't feel like I have time to make an educated decision.
Injecting something that causes 3rd degree burns on your skin if spilled, into my veins, just seems illogical.
I want to hear from women this actually helped and for more than just a couple of years. I have a serious
problem with chemo basically killing my immune system and leaving me open and vulnerable to everything
else to come. I don't mean to scare anyone or be negative but I really, really just want to hear from one
voice who can seriously say that chemo saved their life. The recurrence rate terrifies me and I wonder is
because of the damage that chemo does to the immune system that it can't fight anything anymore.
I am sorry... I think I am just freaking out, am just TERRIFIED. I wish I could be brave like you all but
if my mind can't process it and make sense of it, I struggle like this.

I need to hear this. I guess this is my fear talking
as well as my logical mind not understanding.

Ayse
«1

Comments

  • TLynn0102
    TLynn0102 Member Posts: 86
    Chemo
    Hi Ayse,
    I felt just like you when I was waiting for chemo to start, did the research and asked a lot of questions. I learned from my doctor that chemo was the only option for me because of the type of cancer I have. One day I asked what the base ingredient was in my cocktail, I was on Taxol, and learned that it was actually extracted from a tree, the bark, found only in the state of Washington. I then asked if I was going to grow pine cones once they started to give me the drug. I am confident that the chemo did save my life and after I came to terms with the poision I was receiving I was okay. As for side effects I would ask your doctor about the Emend pill for nausua it is a God send. After treatment your immune system will slowly rebuild, I am finding that I catch everything right now and it is frustrating but it is what it is for now. At your next appointment ask your doctor every question you have and tell him what you are feeling. Chemo has advanced over the years and there are all kinds of things out there that the doctor can give you to make this part of your journey a little easier on you. Hugs to you.

    Tracey
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    TLynn0102 said:

    Chemo
    Hi Ayse,
    I felt just like you when I was waiting for chemo to start, did the research and asked a lot of questions. I learned from my doctor that chemo was the only option for me because of the type of cancer I have. One day I asked what the base ingredient was in my cocktail, I was on Taxol, and learned that it was actually extracted from a tree, the bark, found only in the state of Washington. I then asked if I was going to grow pine cones once they started to give me the drug. I am confident that the chemo did save my life and after I came to terms with the poision I was receiving I was okay. As for side effects I would ask your doctor about the Emend pill for nausua it is a God send. After treatment your immune system will slowly rebuild, I am finding that I catch everything right now and it is frustrating but it is what it is for now. At your next appointment ask your doctor every question you have and tell him what you are feeling. Chemo has advanced over the years and there are all kinds of things out there that the doctor can give you to make this part of your journey a little easier on you. Hugs to you.

    Tracey

    Ayse
    Do not be scary. Please read this post http://csn.cancer.org/node/182624. You can find answers to your questions.
    In addition http://csn.cancer.org/node/183816 has good discussion as well.
    Your age, size and type of the tumor, lymph nodes involvement, will lead your oncologist to prescribe Chemo.
    Yes, it is a personal choice and many of us had Chemo and have been doing well.
    Hugs
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    This is a choice you have to
    This is a choice you have to make. It depends on your circumstances. Everyone is different.

    For me chemo did help. I don't know how much the 4 taxotere treatments helped because they were after surgery. But the 4 A/C treatments before surgery shrunk the tumors. Otherwise I would have needed skin grafts during surgery. So for a fact it did help me. I was a pretty serious case and they threw everything at me. Something worked because I had treatment in 2003/2004.

    I can't answer your question about the immune system. I am having a few problems but we don't know what to blame them on. I did what I had to do at the time to survive. I was a stage 3a.
  • jamiegww
    jamiegww Member Posts: 384
    AYSE: You sound like me.
    The only difference seems to be that you have your port. I decided not to get a port until I know for certain that I want to do this. I first saw my oncologist on Dec. 22 and I have been torturing myself nonstop since then trying to decide if I'm more afraid of the cancer or the treatment. There are so many brave people sharing their experiences with us that I feel we should be able to reach a decision just as they did. It helps me and hopefully it helps you as well to see that we are not alone. It's also sad to know that so many of us have to go through this. I wish you luck and very few side effects.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    Marcia527 said:

    This is a choice you have to
    This is a choice you have to make. It depends on your circumstances. Everyone is different.

    For me chemo did help. I don't know how much the 4 taxotere treatments helped because they were after surgery. But the 4 A/C treatments before surgery shrunk the tumors. Otherwise I would have needed skin grafts during surgery. So for a fact it did help me. I was a pretty serious case and they threw everything at me. Something worked because I had treatment in 2003/2004.

    I can't answer your question about the immune system. I am having a few problems but we don't know what to blame them on. I did what I had to do at the time to survive. I was a stage 3a.

    I struggle with htis as
    I struggle with htis as well. but right now in 2010 this is the treatment and this is what is known. There are many people this has worked for. I had BC 15 years a go and had chemo. did not have any issues. did develop a new primary this year but unrealted to the other cancer. so I guess you would say it was sucessful. Its important decision but for me I need to fight with everything there is I want to go to my girls weddings and babysit my grandchidren.and spend some time with my husband. I actually am not the poster child for chemo as it has been somewhat challenging. Ypu would be crazy to not be scared. Its not a minot thing. but many people do it and survive. I hope you have peace withyour decision.
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
    jamiegww said:

    AYSE: You sound like me.
    The only difference seems to be that you have your port. I decided not to get a port until I know for certain that I want to do this. I first saw my oncologist on Dec. 22 and I have been torturing myself nonstop since then trying to decide if I'm more afraid of the cancer or the treatment. There are so many brave people sharing their experiences with us that I feel we should be able to reach a decision just as they did. It helps me and hopefully it helps you as well to see that we are not alone. It's also sad to know that so many of us have to go through this. I wish you luck and very few side effects.

    Hi Ayse, welcome to the boards.
    I can appreciate your struggle to make a decision. But for me there was no struggle, no decision to make. Cancer kills if left untreated. I want to live, life is sweet and I love my life. I just finished my chemo last month. It was difficult but doable. My immune system will heal. Everyday I am feeling better. I know I have done all that is possible, my outlook is good. I have done all that is currently known to man. I hope you are able to reach your decision soon. I am very sorry you are having such a horrible time, I can't imagine how awful this must be.

    Hugs, Judy :-)
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950
    jamiegww said:

    AYSE: You sound like me.
    The only difference seems to be that you have your port. I decided not to get a port until I know for certain that I want to do this. I first saw my oncologist on Dec. 22 and I have been torturing myself nonstop since then trying to decide if I'm more afraid of the cancer or the treatment. There are so many brave people sharing their experiences with us that I feel we should be able to reach a decision just as they did. It helps me and hopefully it helps you as well to see that we are not alone. It's also sad to know that so many of us have to go through this. I wish you luck and very few side effects.

    Gosh guys
    We are all scared

    Gosh guys
    We are all scared when facing chemo. The idea of putting poison into your body deliberately
    is pretty terrifying. But it comes down to this. The chemo won't kill you. The cancer will.
    I finished chemo in Sept. and radiation in November and so far have been perfectly healthy
    this winter. No colds, no flu...one 24 hr.stomach virus...just normal winter stuff..
    Ok so you're thinking maybe somewhere 10 years down the road we'll find that the chemo
    screwed up our immune systems? Well most of us wont have those 10 years without chemo. What is the other option?Doing nothing and hoping it will go away? I'm afraid I don't believe in those miraculous spontaneous remissions. But you have to make your own choice as we all do. If you believe strongly that you have a better treatment option than by all means follow your heart.We will be here for you either way.Keep us posted as to what you decide to do.
  • shortscake
    shortscake Member Posts: 228
    I understand
    Ayse, I understand what you are dealing with I was very scared about starting chemo i didn't know what it was going to my immune system and i knew some of the side effects and might happen but i know i wanted to live and would do what every it took to do just that.if they would have told me to run out in front of a truck and get hit you would live 10-20 more years i would have done just that...lol.. I am fighting with all my might to enjoy this life that i have i don't want to miss anything and as for my immune system i have not had a cold this whole winter i started chemo nov 16,09 the only side effect i have had is being tired all the time but found out that was from low blood.i have no hair but thats cool (i can deal with that)i made up my mind to face chemo as a step to getting better and when i go in for my treatments all i say is this to shell pass.remember we are all here for you, take a deep breath and do it...girl power
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    Ayse, my hubby was against
    Ayse, my hubby was against chemo for the same reasons that you are. It is true, chemo is controlled poisening. But it is safe, and very effective for breast cancer. I too had adriamycin and was shocked when they told me about how it would burn tissue if it leaked, and how the nurses covered themselves from head to toe before handling it. But it is a necessary evil. I didn't like the idea of it, but I liked the idea of having a recurrence or mets way less.

    You have to weigh the pros and cons. My Aunt died of breast cancer and suffered horribly before she died. She was such a good person. I don't have the courage she had. I took the chemo in hopes that it could reduce the chance of my having to go through what she did.

    You have one life and we are lucky to live in a time where effective treatment is available for breast cancer. Think about it very carefully before making a choice. Eil
  • xskeetshooter
    xskeetshooter Member Posts: 169
    chemo
    how i got thru it..instead of thinking negative about it i thought the cheno going thru my veins were knights going in me to kill the dragon ( cancer )..and even with no inmune i never got sick with a cold or anything...so keep your head up and FIGHT girl
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    Saving lives.......
    I can tell you that my sister in law is a 20 year bc survivor..........20 years! She will tell you that chemo saved her life! She has been my inspiration through my battle with the beast.....I finished chemo the end of August and radiation Nov 2.....EVERYONE is scared of chemo, everyone.....and yes, the chemo drugs can be considered a "poison.".....but to me CANCER is much more poisionous! As someone stated, chemo won't kill you but cancer will, left untreated and sometimes even when it is treated.........I choose to take anything and everything they could give me to defeat this.....

    As far as your immune system is concerned, most are given the injection of Nuelasta the day after each infusion......this forces your body to produce white blood cells to fight off infection.......I was never sick with anything.....including chemo.......Never even the first wave of nausea.....that's not to say there aren't other side effects but all are manageable with medication......chemo has come a long way....

    It's a person decision......mine to was to take chemo...I wanted no regrets down the road...
    I wish you peace in making your decision
  • minermom
    minermom Member Posts: 8
    healing elixir
    I hated the thought of chemotherapy, it sounds like I'm being embalmed alive! So I had to find a way to make it positive.

    I named it my healing elixir, a much more acceptable term for me. Then I nicknamed it Elly. Elly is kicking butt in my system to find that 'rogue cell' trying to escape.

    My best friend suggested I focus on the image of Underdog flying off with any cancer cells when I get my IV. My niece printed off a cartoon of Underdog flying through the sky dragging a woman behind him. That woman is my Elly. I take it with me to every "Elly".

    Visualization of something positive is certainly helping me.
  • Tinabug
    Tinabug Member Posts: 158
    Same boat
    Ayse,

    I was in the exact place you are just 2 weeks ago. However, I meet with my oncologist tomorrow for my chemo schedule. It was the hardest decision I have EVER made. I based it on the fact that, I don't know 1 single person who died from chemo, but I know so many that have died from cancer. Unfortunately, my sweet mom is one that died from cancer...breast cancer to be exact. It was 21 years ago & the medical world has changed drastically. My mom didn't have chemo the 1st time & it returned with a vengence. My entire family has always believed if she had the chemo, she would have had a fighting chance. Only God knows that answer. One thing is for certain, if I have a recurrance, it won't be because I didn't fight it in every way possible(mastectomy, chemo, tamoxifin, diet, & exercise.) I WANT TO LIVE(just as we all do!!!!) I guess I'm saying chemo is a chance I'm willing to take, even though not everyone may feel like it's right for them.

    I wish you the best in making your decision...I know it's tough!!! More than anything, I wish you a long life of happiness.

    Hugs,
    Tina
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    Tinabug said:

    Same boat
    Ayse,

    I was in the exact place you are just 2 weeks ago. However, I meet with my oncologist tomorrow for my chemo schedule. It was the hardest decision I have EVER made. I based it on the fact that, I don't know 1 single person who died from chemo, but I know so many that have died from cancer. Unfortunately, my sweet mom is one that died from cancer...breast cancer to be exact. It was 21 years ago & the medical world has changed drastically. My mom didn't have chemo the 1st time & it returned with a vengence. My entire family has always believed if she had the chemo, she would have had a fighting chance. Only God knows that answer. One thing is for certain, if I have a recurrance, it won't be because I didn't fight it in every way possible(mastectomy, chemo, tamoxifin, diet, & exercise.) I WANT TO LIVE(just as we all do!!!!) I guess I'm saying chemo is a chance I'm willing to take, even though not everyone may feel like it's right for them.

    I wish you the best in making your decision...I know it's tough!!! More than anything, I wish you a long life of happiness.

    Hugs,
    Tina

    Thanks for your patience with me
    I almost feel embarrassed for having posted this. While there's truth to this post, I also feel
    like I acted a little like 3 year old who doesn't want to do something. As you so graciously pointed
    out to me, while it is not the perfect method to battle cancer, it is still a proven method. And
    I should be grateful really. I think this week, with all the interruptions I had to my life due to
    cancer and then the surgery that kept me home while everyone else took off to the beach...
    which I have missed so much that I have actually dreams of it and I can smell it.
    I just broke down and I imagined, my whole year will be like this. Then the research I did, lead
    me to get mad and feel helpless..
    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction again, without telling me how uncalled
    my behavior was. I really want to learn to live with this aspect of my life and not erupt uncontrollably
    like a volcano, when fear comes knocking. There are some great role models on this site and
    I will watch (read) and learn.

    I will think twice before I post from now on, I want to post things that inspire and are thought provoking,
    not whining.

    Thanks again
    Ayse
  • shortscake
    shortscake Member Posts: 228
    aysemari said:

    Thanks for your patience with me
    I almost feel embarrassed for having posted this. While there's truth to this post, I also feel
    like I acted a little like 3 year old who doesn't want to do something. As you so graciously pointed
    out to me, while it is not the perfect method to battle cancer, it is still a proven method. And
    I should be grateful really. I think this week, with all the interruptions I had to my life due to
    cancer and then the surgery that kept me home while everyone else took off to the beach...
    which I have missed so much that I have actually dreams of it and I can smell it.
    I just broke down and I imagined, my whole year will be like this. Then the research I did, lead
    me to get mad and feel helpless..
    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction again, without telling me how uncalled
    my behavior was. I really want to learn to live with this aspect of my life and not erupt uncontrollably
    like a volcano, when fear comes knocking. There are some great role models on this site and
    I will watch (read) and learn.

    I will think twice before I post from now on, I want to post things that inspire and are thought provoking,
    not whining.

    Thanks again
    Ayse

    not whining
    your post is not whining its something that we all thought about before going on chemo its a post that anyone who reads it will make them think and that is something we all need is a post to make us thing and also you had a question in your post and we all told you how we felt.don't stop posting please keep it up, every post helps someone on this board.girl power
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    aysemari said:

    Thanks for your patience with me
    I almost feel embarrassed for having posted this. While there's truth to this post, I also feel
    like I acted a little like 3 year old who doesn't want to do something. As you so graciously pointed
    out to me, while it is not the perfect method to battle cancer, it is still a proven method. And
    I should be grateful really. I think this week, with all the interruptions I had to my life due to
    cancer and then the surgery that kept me home while everyone else took off to the beach...
    which I have missed so much that I have actually dreams of it and I can smell it.
    I just broke down and I imagined, my whole year will be like this. Then the research I did, lead
    me to get mad and feel helpless..
    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction again, without telling me how uncalled
    my behavior was. I really want to learn to live with this aspect of my life and not erupt uncontrollably
    like a volcano, when fear comes knocking. There are some great role models on this site and
    I will watch (read) and learn.

    I will think twice before I post from now on, I want to post things that inspire and are thought provoking,
    not whining.

    Thanks again
    Ayse

    Ayse, no apology warranted.
    Ayse, no apology warranted. You had a concern and your expressed it. That is just what this site is for. It's totally normal and I think every one of us has had fear at some point in our journey through our treatments. I know I have. The best news from your response is that you now feel confident again in your decision to have chemo. It is a very do-able treatment and it does save lives. Please post often and let us know how you are doing. Good luck and take care!
  • SunnieC
    SunnieC Member Posts: 37
    aysemari said:

    Thanks for your patience with me
    I almost feel embarrassed for having posted this. While there's truth to this post, I also feel
    like I acted a little like 3 year old who doesn't want to do something. As you so graciously pointed
    out to me, while it is not the perfect method to battle cancer, it is still a proven method. And
    I should be grateful really. I think this week, with all the interruptions I had to my life due to
    cancer and then the surgery that kept me home while everyone else took off to the beach...
    which I have missed so much that I have actually dreams of it and I can smell it.
    I just broke down and I imagined, my whole year will be like this. Then the research I did, lead
    me to get mad and feel helpless..
    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction again, without telling me how uncalled
    my behavior was. I really want to learn to live with this aspect of my life and not erupt uncontrollably
    like a volcano, when fear comes knocking. There are some great role models on this site and
    I will watch (read) and learn.

    I will think twice before I post from now on, I want to post things that inspire and are thought provoking,
    not whining.

    Thanks again
    Ayse

    I truly feel the same way you do and
    what I did was read a lot of books but 1 book in particular by suzanne somers called KNOCKOUT really made me look at the options out there - she is not an advocate of chemo but knows there are benefits to it - I ultimately decided that chemo (I am 1/3 of the way thru) then surgery (hopefully in early june) is the route for me - I decided that I am willing to take the chemo risks rather than spend the rest of my life (whatever it will be) taking holistic cures in the form of 60-80 pills a day!

    I believe that we all need to get angry and act like a 3 year old sometimes - it is a huge relief to the emotions built up inside of us - everyone else will forgive you your tantrums so you too should forgive yourself your tantrums - they serve a purpose - in moderation like everything else :)

    And please don't ever feel like you are whining - I felt that way too and mentioned it to a co-worker who said to me "I'd rather you be here whining every now and then, than to not have you here" - she is an amazing friend that I didn't even know I had... please consider yourself my friend too...

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey and remember we are all here rooting for you - Sunnie
  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
    SunnieC said:

    I truly feel the same way you do and
    what I did was read a lot of books but 1 book in particular by suzanne somers called KNOCKOUT really made me look at the options out there - she is not an advocate of chemo but knows there are benefits to it - I ultimately decided that chemo (I am 1/3 of the way thru) then surgery (hopefully in early june) is the route for me - I decided that I am willing to take the chemo risks rather than spend the rest of my life (whatever it will be) taking holistic cures in the form of 60-80 pills a day!

    I believe that we all need to get angry and act like a 3 year old sometimes - it is a huge relief to the emotions built up inside of us - everyone else will forgive you your tantrums so you too should forgive yourself your tantrums - they serve a purpose - in moderation like everything else :)

    And please don't ever feel like you are whining - I felt that way too and mentioned it to a co-worker who said to me "I'd rather you be here whining every now and then, than to not have you here" - she is an amazing friend that I didn't even know I had... please consider yourself my friend too...

    I wish you the best of luck on your journey and remember we are all here rooting for you - Sunnie

    Hi Ayse,
    Please don't feel embarassed or ashamed of your orginal post. We have all been there, overwhelmed with fear, thinking all (diagnosis and treatment) this will never end, watching our lives pass us by, envying our friends and family who are still leading normal lives and resenting and hating this ugly beast that threatens our very souls. I live in Michigan, on the water, and boating is our biggest pleasure. I found the lump June 6 and the roller coaster ride began. The entire summer was spent with surgeries, feeling like crap and fear. Our summers are short and it passed by and we were on the boat twice. I know (we all know) what it's like to miss your life, you have every right to have every emotion and sometimes all of them at once. This morning I cried cause it's been 5 1/2 weeks since my last chemo and the only hair tht is on my head is what never came out. I'm scared it will never grow back. I know that's nonsense but it's how I am feeling right now and common sense isn't ruling my emotions now. Thank heaven for a wonderful, understanding husband.

    Ayse, you hang in there and only think about the absolute present and day by day you will get thru this. Don't ever be afraid to post anything you feel or think on this board. No one will think badly of you cause we've all been there, maybe on the day you are posting! Don't bottle up your feelings, here is ok to let them all hang out. Someone, and usually many, will come to your rescue with good info and understanding.

    Please keep us posted on your progress thru this journey that none of us wanted to be on. Here, everyone understands. The beach is still there waiting for you, it will just take you a little while to get there... Spring is coming and our boat is calling to me already!

    Hugs, Judy :-)
  • Tinabug
    Tinabug Member Posts: 158
    aysemari said:

    Thanks for your patience with me
    I almost feel embarrassed for having posted this. While there's truth to this post, I also feel
    like I acted a little like 3 year old who doesn't want to do something. As you so graciously pointed
    out to me, while it is not the perfect method to battle cancer, it is still a proven method. And
    I should be grateful really. I think this week, with all the interruptions I had to my life due to
    cancer and then the surgery that kept me home while everyone else took off to the beach...
    which I have missed so much that I have actually dreams of it and I can smell it.
    I just broke down and I imagined, my whole year will be like this. Then the research I did, lead
    me to get mad and feel helpless..
    Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction again, without telling me how uncalled
    my behavior was. I really want to learn to live with this aspect of my life and not erupt uncontrollably
    like a volcano, when fear comes knocking. There are some great role models on this site and
    I will watch (read) and learn.

    I will think twice before I post from now on, I want to post things that inspire and are thought provoking,
    not whining.

    Thanks again
    Ayse

    Don't confuse curiosity with whining
    Dear Ayse,

    You were not whining, you were simply trying to make an informed decision & you asked the ladies who have been in your shoes. I have asked any & every question possible. This is my life & knowledge is power. When I first found this site, one of my first questions was "does chemo do as much good as harm?" It's just human to want to have the answers. Not only have I been curious...I have whined, screamed, cried, & put my head under the covers for 2 complete days. I've come to the conclusion that someday's I will cry like a baby & the next day "I will fight like a girl(bring on the chemo.)"

    The best thing about this site is, you don't have to apologize!!! Everyone or someone has been exactly where we are.

    Huge hugs,
    Tina
  • pgrace35
    pgrace35 Member Posts: 122
    I completely understand
    your feeling on chemo. I went through the same thing. I have always taken the homeopathic route to all my aliments, but I went rounds on this one. Decided to do the chemo and put into my mind over and over again, though it is a poison, I wasn't going to look at it that way, it was killing off my cancer cells. I always have eaten really well, exercised reg,etc... I just stepped it up, educating myself on building my immune system more, eating things that are proven to help with breast cancer, supplements and a postive mind. The mind is a very powerful tool, put it in you mind that the chemo is good not bad regardless how you feel. Just be smart when you are at your weakest point of each treatment, don't go out in public as much, bring hand sanitizer every where you go, take immune building supplements to boost your immune system and when feeling down talk, this is a wonderful site and has helped me out immensely. Remember cancer is not who you are, it's just what you have.Good luck!