You would think by now it wouldn't bother me - cold people I mean, sigh

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Comments

  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    bluerose said:

    I see your point Ruth
    Yes there sure are those who just gloss it all over. As far as his daughter is concered you would think by 28 she would have a better grasp on all that is really going on with her Dad's health but so many get caught up in their own lives and just don't want to admit the real truth that their Dad is not doing well. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately depending on how you look at it, many of us do look fine but that doesn't mean we are medically fine at all. You hear this alot with those with cancer and survivors alike. It's irritating to hear 'gee you look so good though?' when you feel so badly or are in treatments that don't affect your appearance.

    The good news with looking alright is that we can still blend into society without having to deal with looks and glares but for the most part it's painful when a close member of the family seems cold to our actual physical condition. Both my kids are like Don's kids too so I understand. They are at a distance too, live far away, so distance doesn't help either - if they were around me more it would become more obvious to them.

    I hope you get a break from the stress of all of this ruth, you have enough to deal with without all of this drama from his kids.

    You are in my prayers Ruth. Bluerose

    And it goes on
    Don's 28-yer-old went ballistic Sat. night. It was all a control thing -- she wanted to make all the desserts and I told her she was welcome to bring something to "add to the table." So, first, she arrived with a large pan of apple crisp. Don's throat is so sore that he couldn't eat the oatmeal topping. To add to the fuss, I had made pies. She stalked out of the house, then was very angry with him when he went to see what was wrong, then came back in and began screaming at him. He ended up crouched in his recliner, saying, I don't complain, but this might be my last Christmas and you're spoiling it. She went right on screaming about how he was supposed to eat her dessert and I wasn't supposed to make any and I had forced her to come for his birthday. It was devestating.

    Yes, after she cooled down, we did talk a little and she does expect her dad to die. "He's old." (69!) And, no, she never apologized at all.

    He deserves better kids.

    Ruth
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138

    And it goes on
    Don's 28-yer-old went ballistic Sat. night. It was all a control thing -- she wanted to make all the desserts and I told her she was welcome to bring something to "add to the table." So, first, she arrived with a large pan of apple crisp. Don's throat is so sore that he couldn't eat the oatmeal topping. To add to the fuss, I had made pies. She stalked out of the house, then was very angry with him when he went to see what was wrong, then came back in and began screaming at him. He ended up crouched in his recliner, saying, I don't complain, but this might be my last Christmas and you're spoiling it. She went right on screaming about how he was supposed to eat her dessert and I wasn't supposed to make any and I had forced her to come for his birthday. It was devestating.

    Yes, after she cooled down, we did talk a little and she does expect her dad to die. "He's old." (69!) And, no, she never apologized at all.

    He deserves better kids.

    Ruth

    And on the "looks great" thing...
    Don has lost a lot of weight and even with his shirt obscuring the most obvious things, his face is beginning to get gaunt. In addition, the tumor on his chin is growing back, larger and just as red as it was originally. He also has one beginning on the side of his throat. And now people are beginning to stare. It angers and upsets him so badly. And if I'm around and see it, it will be very upsetting -- for the people who do it.

    Ruth
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104

    And it goes on
    Don's 28-yer-old went ballistic Sat. night. It was all a control thing -- she wanted to make all the desserts and I told her she was welcome to bring something to "add to the table." So, first, she arrived with a large pan of apple crisp. Don's throat is so sore that he couldn't eat the oatmeal topping. To add to the fuss, I had made pies. She stalked out of the house, then was very angry with him when he went to see what was wrong, then came back in and began screaming at him. He ended up crouched in his recliner, saying, I don't complain, but this might be my last Christmas and you're spoiling it. She went right on screaming about how he was supposed to eat her dessert and I wasn't supposed to make any and I had forced her to come for his birthday. It was devestating.

    Yes, after she cooled down, we did talk a little and she does expect her dad to die. "He's old." (69!) And, no, she never apologized at all.

    He deserves better kids.

    Ruth

    I feel for you guys
    I had and continue to have difficulty with my daughter and her acceptance of my health situation so I can identify to a point. However Don's daughter is way out of line, it's bad enough Don is so sick but to call him 'old' as if well so what if he dies he's old, hard to believe someone could say that. Unfortunately for her one day this is going to hit her and then it will be too late to apologize and she will have to live with her actions forever and that will be no picnic. At 28 she should know better, I don't have to tell you.

    She can't be allowed to upset him or you like this. Does she have a husband or friend you can talk to about her tones and actions with her Father and you?

    I just don't know what to say except to pray for guidance and put it in God's hands and try to step back, He will come through for you with a revelation as to what to do.

    Try and make Don's time comfortable and pleasant when it is just you and him and friends and family who do have a clue. Maybe then with all the positive support it might be easier to handle this one upsetting member of the family.

    You are in my prayers. Bluerose
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    bluerose said:

    I feel for you guys
    I had and continue to have difficulty with my daughter and her acceptance of my health situation so I can identify to a point. However Don's daughter is way out of line, it's bad enough Don is so sick but to call him 'old' as if well so what if he dies he's old, hard to believe someone could say that. Unfortunately for her one day this is going to hit her and then it will be too late to apologize and she will have to live with her actions forever and that will be no picnic. At 28 she should know better, I don't have to tell you.

    She can't be allowed to upset him or you like this. Does she have a husband or friend you can talk to about her tones and actions with her Father and you?

    I just don't know what to say except to pray for guidance and put it in God's hands and try to step back, He will come through for you with a revelation as to what to do.

    Try and make Don's time comfortable and pleasant when it is just you and him and friends and family who do have a clue. Maybe then with all the positive support it might be easier to handle this one upsetting member of the family.

    You are in my prayers. Bluerose

    Thanks, Blue
    I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with this if it ever happens again. (Lost a lot of sleep over it, really.)

    Groveling on my part might help, but Don would not want me to ever do that. He's spent a lot of time getting me to be more assertive.

    I think that if I stand in front of her and repeat calmly and firmly that if she can't be polite, she needs to leave and go on repeating it calmly, that will do it. No, she won't leave. But it will infuriate her and she will shout more and may even get to the shove or hit stage. In any of those cases I can call 911.

    Which, of course, may get her out of the house, but will provide a lot of material for future anger.

    However, that can't be helped. Don needs peace and quiet and happy times. I can't provide warm family support, but I can at least do something to give him a peaceful home.
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104

    Thanks, Blue
    I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with this if it ever happens again. (Lost a lot of sleep over it, really.)

    Groveling on my part might help, but Don would not want me to ever do that. He's spent a lot of time getting me to be more assertive.

    I think that if I stand in front of her and repeat calmly and firmly that if she can't be polite, she needs to leave and go on repeating it calmly, that will do it. No, she won't leave. But it will infuriate her and she will shout more and may even get to the shove or hit stage. In any of those cases I can call 911.

    Which, of course, may get her out of the house, but will provide a lot of material for future anger.

    However, that can't be helped. Don needs peace and quiet and happy times. I can't provide warm family support, but I can at least do something to give him a peaceful home.

    Hey Ruthe
    I think you have a good plan there but I certainly hope this doesn't get into a physical battle with her. If you even see a little sign that she could get physical don't hesitate to call for help, don't wait til it gets to the hitting stage. No one should have to deal with that and all of your more important concerns right now.

    Being calm and rational with someone like that is the best plan but then again with the irrational types you never know do you? Just be careful, you know how she might react better than I.

    Take care. Hugs, Bluerose
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member

    Thanks, Blue
    I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with this if it ever happens again. (Lost a lot of sleep over it, really.)

    Groveling on my part might help, but Don would not want me to ever do that. He's spent a lot of time getting me to be more assertive.

    I think that if I stand in front of her and repeat calmly and firmly that if she can't be polite, she needs to leave and go on repeating it calmly, that will do it. No, she won't leave. But it will infuriate her and she will shout more and may even get to the shove or hit stage. In any of those cases I can call 911.

    Which, of course, may get her out of the house, but will provide a lot of material for future anger.

    However, that can't be helped. Don needs peace and quiet and happy times. I can't provide warm family support, but I can at least do something to give him a peaceful home.

    Suggestion
    I wanted to offer one small suggestion. One of the things I learned while teaching might help. When confronted by an unruly student, it was suggested that we use I need statements rather than you statements. Examples: I need you to be polite and not upset your father. I need you to leave now or I will have to call 911. It doesn't always work, but it has a pretty good success rate. I was talking to my husband about it one day, and he decided to try it in his line of work (law enforcement). He found it worked there a lot of the time, too. These statements just like the ones you suggested need to be said quietly and firmly and repeated if needed. I also applaud you for thinking about calling 911. I think this is especially important if she is prone to physical violence. Police are trained to intervene in family disturbances. In fact, they are the most dangerous calls they go on because of the emotions involved. Make the statement and then be ready to follow through. Take care of yourself and your husband. Fay
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138

    Suggestion
    I wanted to offer one small suggestion. One of the things I learned while teaching might help. When confronted by an unruly student, it was suggested that we use I need statements rather than you statements. Examples: I need you to be polite and not upset your father. I need you to leave now or I will have to call 911. It doesn't always work, but it has a pretty good success rate. I was talking to my husband about it one day, and he decided to try it in his line of work (law enforcement). He found it worked there a lot of the time, too. These statements just like the ones you suggested need to be said quietly and firmly and repeated if needed. I also applaud you for thinking about calling 911. I think this is especially important if she is prone to physical violence. Police are trained to intervene in family disturbances. In fact, they are the most dangerous calls they go on because of the emotions involved. Make the statement and then be ready to follow through. Take care of yourself and your husband. Fay

    Question
    Do I need statements work if you've already been cast as the wicked stepmother? Or if she sees you as an obstacle to her being in control?
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138

    Suggestion
    I wanted to offer one small suggestion. One of the things I learned while teaching might help. When confronted by an unruly student, it was suggested that we use I need statements rather than you statements. Examples: I need you to be polite and not upset your father. I need you to leave now or I will have to call 911. It doesn't always work, but it has a pretty good success rate. I was talking to my husband about it one day, and he decided to try it in his line of work (law enforcement). He found it worked there a lot of the time, too. These statements just like the ones you suggested need to be said quietly and firmly and repeated if needed. I also applaud you for thinking about calling 911. I think this is especially important if she is prone to physical violence. Police are trained to intervene in family disturbances. In fact, they are the most dangerous calls they go on because of the emotions involved. Make the statement and then be ready to follow through. Take care of yourself and your husband. Fay

    Question
    Do I need statements work if you've already been cast as the wicked stepmother? Or if she sees you as an obstacle to her being in control?
  • Kisma
    Kisma Member Posts: 41
    Defining you
    HI there... I wanted to tell you your not alone, clearly with all the responses off your story. I have to say if I have learned one thing out of living with cancer is that I have discovered who my real friends are.

    I think until someone is affected directly or through someone they really hold dear, they don't understand or care or want to be bothered with illness. Be it cancer or another form of ailment.

    I have a few friends today that only contact me once in awhile and half the time, they never ask about me or my family. It is always about them and with that,I have had to learn that they will always be a part of my life, they just don't affect it. Does that make since?

    And I would have to say, you never get used to someone brushing you off when life isn't something they can deal with.

    Hope this helps.

    Kisma
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    Kisma said:

    Defining you
    HI there... I wanted to tell you your not alone, clearly with all the responses off your story. I have to say if I have learned one thing out of living with cancer is that I have discovered who my real friends are.

    I think until someone is affected directly or through someone they really hold dear, they don't understand or care or want to be bothered with illness. Be it cancer or another form of ailment.

    I have a few friends today that only contact me once in awhile and half the time, they never ask about me or my family. It is always about them and with that,I have had to learn that they will always be a part of my life, they just don't affect it. Does that make since?

    And I would have to say, you never get used to someone brushing you off when life isn't something they can deal with.

    Hope this helps.

    Kisma

    You make total sense Kisma
    Thank you for taking the time to comment on this issue. I knew that many have gone through this and felt I should post it and let others get it off their chests too.

    It's so true that you really do find out who your friends are when you become ill, I guess I always had this pollyanna idea that people would help or at least show some semblance of interest especially if they have been 'friends'. I guess it's innocense lost when this happens, you are hit by the cold harsh reality - not all can handle the situation and just drift away.

    You are right on target though by saying that those people who only contact you now and again and are so self obsorbed may be continue to be in your life now and again but for sure they don't have to affect your life. Words to live by.

    I really have no idea why this still astounds me when it happens out of the blue every now and then. I am a 22 year survivor you would think I wouldn't let it affect me anymore. I guess it's the surprise factor of someone coming out of the blue that was once part of your past - a healthier past.

    Thanks for your input Kisma, you make total sense. Blessings, Bluerose
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104

    Suggestion
    I wanted to offer one small suggestion. One of the things I learned while teaching might help. When confronted by an unruly student, it was suggested that we use I need statements rather than you statements. Examples: I need you to be polite and not upset your father. I need you to leave now or I will have to call 911. It doesn't always work, but it has a pretty good success rate. I was talking to my husband about it one day, and he decided to try it in his line of work (law enforcement). He found it worked there a lot of the time, too. These statements just like the ones you suggested need to be said quietly and firmly and repeated if needed. I also applaud you for thinking about calling 911. I think this is especially important if she is prone to physical violence. Police are trained to intervene in family disturbances. In fact, they are the most dangerous calls they go on because of the emotions involved. Make the statement and then be ready to follow through. Take care of yourself and your husband. Fay

    Good point Fay
    I am going to try that with my daughter when she calls at some point if the situation warrants it. It can be very disarming to someone who is out of control when you stay in control and use that kind of wording I'm sure.

    I hope the situation you find yourself in Ruthe doesn't escalate to violence but Ruthe once again let me say that if you have the slightest notion this is going to get ugly please don't hesitate to call for help.

    You are in my prayers Ruthe. Hugs, Bluerose
  • Kisma
    Kisma Member Posts: 41
    bluerose said:

    You make total sense Kisma
    Thank you for taking the time to comment on this issue. I knew that many have gone through this and felt I should post it and let others get it off their chests too.

    It's so true that you really do find out who your friends are when you become ill, I guess I always had this pollyanna idea that people would help or at least show some semblance of interest especially if they have been 'friends'. I guess it's innocense lost when this happens, you are hit by the cold harsh reality - not all can handle the situation and just drift away.

    You are right on target though by saying that those people who only contact you now and again and are so self obsorbed may be continue to be in your life now and again but for sure they don't have to affect your life. Words to live by.

    I really have no idea why this still astounds me when it happens out of the blue every now and then. I am a 22 year survivor you would think I wouldn't let it affect me anymore. I guess it's the surprise factor of someone coming out of the blue that was once part of your past - a healthier past.

    Thanks for your input Kisma, you make total sense. Blessings, Bluerose

    Happy to have helped
    Ha.. I am so glad my words helped. There are times when I just ramble and fear I make no since at all.

    I have been fighting and beating cancer for almost 8 years now and I am always astounded by the lack of integrity that people have. Their ignorance just flows and even I have to take a step back and let what they do or say roll off my back. Sometimes it is hard, I don't think it is ever something anyone gets used too; we just get better at the way we handle it.

    Take care and here is to a wonderful week.

    Kisma
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member

    Question
    Do I need statements work if you've already been cast as the wicked stepmother? Or if she sees you as an obstacle to her being in control?

    Never Been There
    I really can't answer that having never been in that position. I can only tell you that it often worked with students who considered me the wicked witch of a teacher. Nothing works all the time. That's why I like your back up plan. Hang in there. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this drama on top of the stress of being a caregiver. My thoughts are with you. Fay