Arrangements

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  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54

    I was away for the weekend
    I was away for the weekend and then had my computer do strange things this morning, so I'm just catching up on your posts. I want to assure you that you are not crazy, just feeling that way. I still haven't found some of the things I put away during my husband's final days. It drives me crazy. None of them are that important, but I just can't remember where I put them. I also found and still find myself starting a chore, then moving on to something else before I have finished the first one. My thinking is really fragmented at times. I will tell you, too, that my husband did pass away while I was napping. My sons are convinced that he did it on purpose. That may or may not be true, but it was ok. I had told him often that I loved him; I hadn't left anything unsaid. I know that he went peacefully, and I am at peace. I'm sure you are doing the same. I'm glad you are asking for help. People do want to help. Also, I think the idea of staying in your home and taking some time to yourself after your husband passes is a good one. I have often heard it said that we should take at least a year after losing a loved one before making any big moves. I believe that. I am in the home we lived in for the last 33 years. I probably won't stay here forever, but it's where I need to be right now. You are going through a very rough time. Get some rest and go on and on to us whenever you want. That's why we are here. I can go on and on myself. Fay

    Staying Home
    Fay,
    Thank you for the support. I definitely will be staying in my own home. I know that when my father passed my mother made a very hasty decision of selling her home and moved in a matter of months. She has lived with that regret ever since. Unfortunately, she found that it was the wrong thing for her to do but it was too late to change it after she signed all the papers and sold the home. I won't put myself in that situation. I have lived in this home just about my whole married life and all of my memories with my husband are here. I won't give that up.

    I am going tomorrow to make partial arrangements for my husband and myself and will finalize everything else after my husband passes. I have found today, after speaking with my sister-in-law, that the family is having a hard time accepting the situation. So I will make partial arrangements and as I said, I will complete the arrangements after my husband passes. I think they are only the things that I can arrange after he has passed anyway.

    I have also decided that I am going to celebrate Chritmas early with my husband. I advised my nephew and the family today that I am going to be decorating my home and getting a real tree as soon as they are available. In fact, my nephew said that he will pick up the tree as soon as they are available. The family gave us a rocker recliner today and I actually brought my husband out to sit in it. Even though he hallucinated a little, I think he enjoyed sitting out here with me and we actually ate dinner together although he did not eat that much. Maybe about four or five bites but that is better than nothing. I think that he will enjoy sitting here and watching the Christmas tree. I think he will enjoy the lights more than anything else.

    Thank you for being there.

    Shirley
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    bluerose said:

    You are far from crazy Shirley
    I think decorating for Xmas will do you both good - bring in that bit of normality despite what is going on with his condition. I think it will be a distraction for both of you in a way, sad too at times not doubt but I think it's still a good idea.

    The only other thing I wanted to say, and I'm so glad you are going to see a counsellor, is, why wait to see one after he has passed? I really think they can help you now too with this process you are going through - not just afterwards. Think about it. Too you are saying that you are not sleeping and I really think you should consider having hospice come in and sit with him while you rest. You need your strength too, for him and for yourself. Hospice is there for many stages and I really think you should talk to them about helping you out now too.

    I'm so glad to hear that you are going to talk to hospice, just consider them helping you now too, okay?

    Blessings, Bluerose

    As Nightingale Conant VP Arnold "Nick" Carter once advised,
    "When you face a rigged game (cancer), play it through as a practice." Go ahead with Christmas plans or any other semblance of normalcy, they will help towards retaining sanity and provide you with a sense of control.

    Blue is right about consulting hospice regarding your present anxieties, they can "have your back" as you face the future.

    Love and Courage1

    Rick
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    sassy1 said:

    Staying Home
    Fay,
    Thank you for the support. I definitely will be staying in my own home. I know that when my father passed my mother made a very hasty decision of selling her home and moved in a matter of months. She has lived with that regret ever since. Unfortunately, she found that it was the wrong thing for her to do but it was too late to change it after she signed all the papers and sold the home. I won't put myself in that situation. I have lived in this home just about my whole married life and all of my memories with my husband are here. I won't give that up.

    I am going tomorrow to make partial arrangements for my husband and myself and will finalize everything else after my husband passes. I have found today, after speaking with my sister-in-law, that the family is having a hard time accepting the situation. So I will make partial arrangements and as I said, I will complete the arrangements after my husband passes. I think they are only the things that I can arrange after he has passed anyway.

    I have also decided that I am going to celebrate Chritmas early with my husband. I advised my nephew and the family today that I am going to be decorating my home and getting a real tree as soon as they are available. In fact, my nephew said that he will pick up the tree as soon as they are available. The family gave us a rocker recliner today and I actually brought my husband out to sit in it. Even though he hallucinated a little, I think he enjoyed sitting out here with me and we actually ate dinner together although he did not eat that much. Maybe about four or five bites but that is better than nothing. I think that he will enjoy sitting here and watching the Christmas tree. I think he will enjoy the lights more than anything else.

    Thank you for being there.

    Shirley

    You could write a book Shirley on ......
    all the right things to do with a loved one in this kind of situation. I mean it. I think you are just doing the most loving and important thing by having Christmas early and bringing in a real tree for all of you, it will be so wonderful for your husband to feel a part of it all - something that has such wonderful memories like Xmas with the family. Even though he might not be totally lucid here and there he will obsorb the love and feeling and that will do him good so much good spiritually.

    What a wonderful thing to get the rocker recliner for him to sit in, out there with you having supper just like you used to, that's just wonderful.

    I hope you check in with hospice for any advice they might give you to help you at this difficult time but sounds like you could coach others in to how to remain 'normal' in the face of a grievous time such as this.

    It does my heart good to witness this kind of love that you most obviously have for your husband, how wonderful.

    Don't burn out getting this organized now, ask people to help, sounds like some are already. Let us know how it goes if you have a minute. Hugs, Bluerose
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    Merry Christmas!
    I think celebrating Christmas early is a great idea. We celebrated every Christmas for the last 6 years as if it were our last. I can see your love and sadness, but you are making the hard decisions and looking ahead with love. Of course the family is having a tough time. You all are, but making new memories is a good thing. Hugs and prayers, Fay
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    terato said:

    Blue is right on the money, as usual!
    sassy,

    I have no children and have been divorced for over 20 years, so I rely on cousins and a few close friends for help, when I really need it. Most of the time, I just get by on pure dumb luck and the intervention of the spirits of my deceased loved ones.

    Anyone who believes that people with any type of cancer "brought it on themselves" is an idiot, pure and simple! He/she is among the most odious of vermin ever permitted to inhabit the earth. Need I say more?

    Does your hospice offer bereavement counseling?

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    vermin
    [[Anyone who believes that people with any type of cancer "brought it on themselves" is an idiot, pure and simple! He/she is among the most odious of vermin ever permitted to inhabit the earth. Need I say more?]]

    I was recently at an event with some "bible-based" Christians - that is what they called themselves.

    The two ladies I spent much time talking to said that cancer is a result of our "original sin" (their words, not mine). One of the woman had breast cancer (in remission).

    What a strange concept to think a God would punish one person with cancer (or any other thing) because of someone else's misdeeds.

    Fatima
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54

    Merry Christmas!
    I think celebrating Christmas early is a great idea. We celebrated every Christmas for the last 6 years as if it were our last. I can see your love and sadness, but you are making the hard decisions and looking ahead with love. Of course the family is having a tough time. You all are, but making new memories is a good thing. Hugs and prayers, Fay

    Christmas
    Well, my plans were to celebrate Christmas early but unfortunately, I think God and my husband have other plans. He has been in extreme pain for the last couple of days and the hospice nurse came today. She increased his pain medication and he is sleeping constantly now. I just leave Christmas music playing for him but I don't think he even recognizes me anymore. I did manage to get his medication into him tonight but I think if someone puts something into your mouth, you're going to automatically swallow. I put his pills in applesauce now because that's the only way he can seem to swallow them. I still intend to decorate for Christmas even if my husband has passed, because it will be in his memory to celebrate the time we always loved to spend together.

    I made partial arrangements yesterday and I took my brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. I sat there on the verge of tears because of what I had to do and she was acting as if she was shopping for a car. I had already picked the mausoleum that my husband and I were going to share and she just sort of took over. She started asking about payment arrangements and I just sat there and didn't say a word. She did put down the deposit and I just looked at her because I am the type of person who doesn't really want to embarrass people in front of strangers. Well, this morning I get an email from them telling me that they checked their finances and they can't afford to pay for the cemetary. They said they would call me this evening. Well, he did and he wanted to know if I had changed my mind about which vault I wanted and that way it would make it easier for them to pay. I advised him that I already took care of it and he asked what I meant. I advised that I was sending the check out on Friday to take care of it. I am also going to have the office credit back their payment for the deposit on her credit card. I told him that I had no idea that they were going to do what they were talking about last night as far as paying for anything. He then said, "well, that's why we thought you asked us to go with you". I then advised him that, no I only wanted them to go along for moral support. I was amazed at the gall of these people that they thought they were going to decide how my husband and I were going to spend eternity.

    My brother-in-law then in passing asked how Glenn was doing. I told him that the nurse was here today and he is in severe pain and that his medication was increased. It is only a matter of time now. His reply was, well if there's anything we can do, just give us a call. Now is that denial or what!!! He is what I call a very caring brother. But of course, his wife advised me that he and her daughters are having a very hard time over the whole situation. Well, what am I having! A party!!! They just don't seem to understand that this is not about them, it's about my husband Glenn and his iminent passing. I wish that I could be so non challant about everything.

    Anyway, I had a hospice aid here this afternoon and I got out for an hour. I felt a little guilty but it felt good to get out. I only walked up the street to see my mother but it still felt good. Tomorrow, I have the aid here for two hours and I am going to take a book and a cup of coffee and go sit down at the beach for a while just to think and get away. It sounds terrible I think, but I have have to prepare myself for what is going to happen and also for my future without him. One thing I know, I have and always will love my husband. There will be no other in my life. He was my first and and will be my last.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    sassy1 said:

    Christmas
    Well, my plans were to celebrate Christmas early but unfortunately, I think God and my husband have other plans. He has been in extreme pain for the last couple of days and the hospice nurse came today. She increased his pain medication and he is sleeping constantly now. I just leave Christmas music playing for him but I don't think he even recognizes me anymore. I did manage to get his medication into him tonight but I think if someone puts something into your mouth, you're going to automatically swallow. I put his pills in applesauce now because that's the only way he can seem to swallow them. I still intend to decorate for Christmas even if my husband has passed, because it will be in his memory to celebrate the time we always loved to spend together.

    I made partial arrangements yesterday and I took my brother-in-law and sister-in-law with me. I sat there on the verge of tears because of what I had to do and she was acting as if she was shopping for a car. I had already picked the mausoleum that my husband and I were going to share and she just sort of took over. She started asking about payment arrangements and I just sat there and didn't say a word. She did put down the deposit and I just looked at her because I am the type of person who doesn't really want to embarrass people in front of strangers. Well, this morning I get an email from them telling me that they checked their finances and they can't afford to pay for the cemetary. They said they would call me this evening. Well, he did and he wanted to know if I had changed my mind about which vault I wanted and that way it would make it easier for them to pay. I advised him that I already took care of it and he asked what I meant. I advised that I was sending the check out on Friday to take care of it. I am also going to have the office credit back their payment for the deposit on her credit card. I told him that I had no idea that they were going to do what they were talking about last night as far as paying for anything. He then said, "well, that's why we thought you asked us to go with you". I then advised him that, no I only wanted them to go along for moral support. I was amazed at the gall of these people that they thought they were going to decide how my husband and I were going to spend eternity.

    My brother-in-law then in passing asked how Glenn was doing. I told him that the nurse was here today and he is in severe pain and that his medication was increased. It is only a matter of time now. His reply was, well if there's anything we can do, just give us a call. Now is that denial or what!!! He is what I call a very caring brother. But of course, his wife advised me that he and her daughters are having a very hard time over the whole situation. Well, what am I having! A party!!! They just don't seem to understand that this is not about them, it's about my husband Glenn and his iminent passing. I wish that I could be so non challant about everything.

    Anyway, I had a hospice aid here this afternoon and I got out for an hour. I felt a little guilty but it felt good to get out. I only walked up the street to see my mother but it still felt good. Tomorrow, I have the aid here for two hours and I am going to take a book and a cup of coffee and go sit down at the beach for a while just to think and get away. It sounds terrible I think, but I have have to prepare myself for what is going to happen and also for my future without him. One thing I know, I have and always will love my husband. There will be no other in my life. He was my first and and will be my last.

    People
    People, relatives included, are just goofy sometimes. I have come to that conclusion. How dare them assume anything. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself. This is a difficult journey and you need time to just be. My husband was not very responsive toward the end, but I never doubted that he knew I loved him and was doing everything I could for him. I'm sure your Glenn knows that, too. Fay
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54

    People
    People, relatives included, are just goofy sometimes. I have come to that conclusion. How dare them assume anything. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself. This is a difficult journey and you need time to just be. My husband was not very responsive toward the end, but I never doubted that he knew I loved him and was doing everything I could for him. I'm sure your Glenn knows that, too. Fay

    Support
    Fay,
    I now have the hospice coming every day and Glenn doesn't really know me anymore or if he does, he doesn't show it. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I feel so bad for him and I've told him that I love him and that when he is ready, it is okay for him to go because I will be okay. I feel that this is the hardest part of the journey for him because he is in transition, as they say, but it seems to me that he won't let go. I don't think I'll be seeing his family here anymore because as I have said before, they cannot handle the ordeal. I don't think this is something that anyone wants to go through but when you love them, you do anything you can to support them and make it easier for them. They don't seem to understand. Now that hospice is coming every day, I will be getting out for an hour or so because I do have things that have to be taken care of, as you know. I have to transfer the title of the car to my name and I want to do that while he is here because it is less of a problem here. Otherwise, there are all kinds of legalities. At this point, I am actually afraid of finding my husband already passed. Is that bad of me to feel this way. I just want him to pass on quietlly but I do and I don't want to be there when it happens. I just am very confused but I know that it will be soon. Unfortunately, he will not have had the chance to celebrate Christmas after all. But I feel that I still want to go through the holiday process of decorating in his memory. Am I wrong? I am just so upset and confused right now.

    Shirley
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    sassy1 said:

    Support
    Fay,
    I now have the hospice coming every day and Glenn doesn't really know me anymore or if he does, he doesn't show it. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I feel so bad for him and I've told him that I love him and that when he is ready, it is okay for him to go because I will be okay. I feel that this is the hardest part of the journey for him because he is in transition, as they say, but it seems to me that he won't let go. I don't think I'll be seeing his family here anymore because as I have said before, they cannot handle the ordeal. I don't think this is something that anyone wants to go through but when you love them, you do anything you can to support them and make it easier for them. They don't seem to understand. Now that hospice is coming every day, I will be getting out for an hour or so because I do have things that have to be taken care of, as you know. I have to transfer the title of the car to my name and I want to do that while he is here because it is less of a problem here. Otherwise, there are all kinds of legalities. At this point, I am actually afraid of finding my husband already passed. Is that bad of me to feel this way. I just want him to pass on quietlly but I do and I don't want to be there when it happens. I just am very confused but I know that it will be soon. Unfortunately, he will not have had the chance to celebrate Christmas after all. But I feel that I still want to go through the holiday process of decorating in his memory. Am I wrong? I am just so upset and confused right now.

    Shirley

    No Wrong
    You are not wrong. My husband did pass away when I was out of the room, but I know he just slipped peacefully away. That's ok. I prayed that he would have a quick, peaceful passing, and he did. You are being very brave. Telling your loved one that it's alright to pass is very hard especially if you have been in the fighting mode (trying to beat cancer) before this. You feel like you're giving up, that you should do more. But you have done everything you could. Now it is time for acceptance, to take care of the business that has to be dealt with. People who have not been there really don't have a clue. It's not easy to be with your husband during this time, but you know that you are doing the right thing. Believe that! I really do believe that Glenn knows you are taking care of him with love. He can't communicate that to you, but I believe he hears you. His body is not letting him talk, but his love for you is still there. It will remain with you forever. Fay
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54

    No Wrong
    You are not wrong. My husband did pass away when I was out of the room, but I know he just slipped peacefully away. That's ok. I prayed that he would have a quick, peaceful passing, and he did. You are being very brave. Telling your loved one that it's alright to pass is very hard especially if you have been in the fighting mode (trying to beat cancer) before this. You feel like you're giving up, that you should do more. But you have done everything you could. Now it is time for acceptance, to take care of the business that has to be dealt with. People who have not been there really don't have a clue. It's not easy to be with your husband during this time, but you know that you are doing the right thing. Believe that! I really do believe that Glenn knows you are taking care of him with love. He can't communicate that to you, but I believe he hears you. His body is not letting him talk, but his love for you is still there. It will remain with you forever. Fay

    Crying
    Fay,
    I just finished cleaning my husband up, changing him and giving him all his medication a little while ago. I'm sitting here now crying and I can't stop. I see him now and I look at his pictures and remember what a strong man he was and God forgive me, I wish that his suffering was over. I just touch him to change him and he yells in pain. I don't know what else to do for him. The hospice aid today said that when she rolled him over to wash and clean him that he yelled out in pain. I don't know what else they can give him. He's on so many different pain killers that the only other thing would be the morphine by IV. I know that I cannot handle that. Sometimes he has such difficulty breathing and he is constantly clearing his throat. He still takes the applesauce with his pills in it but I don't know for how much longer I can get him to do that. He doesn't seem to recognize me and tonight my brother went in to see him and it brought him to tears. I'm just wondering how long he can go on like this. It's as if he doesn't want to give up. I can't sleep at night because I lay here and listen to him breathing on the baby monitor. I now have hospice coming every day and they are also going to have someone here for the weekend. The only thing is, I thought it was going to be for a couple of hours and it's only for an hour. I had several errands that I had to take care of today and I raced to get it done in the hour. Monday I am taking going to transfer the registration on the car to my name so that is one less thing I will have to worry about after. I feel as if this were a nightmare that I can't wake up from. If only it were.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    sassy1 said:

    Crying
    Fay,
    I just finished cleaning my husband up, changing him and giving him all his medication a little while ago. I'm sitting here now crying and I can't stop. I see him now and I look at his pictures and remember what a strong man he was and God forgive me, I wish that his suffering was over. I just touch him to change him and he yells in pain. I don't know what else to do for him. The hospice aid today said that when she rolled him over to wash and clean him that he yelled out in pain. I don't know what else they can give him. He's on so many different pain killers that the only other thing would be the morphine by IV. I know that I cannot handle that. Sometimes he has such difficulty breathing and he is constantly clearing his throat. He still takes the applesauce with his pills in it but I don't know for how much longer I can get him to do that. He doesn't seem to recognize me and tonight my brother went in to see him and it brought him to tears. I'm just wondering how long he can go on like this. It's as if he doesn't want to give up. I can't sleep at night because I lay here and listen to him breathing on the baby monitor. I now have hospice coming every day and they are also going to have someone here for the weekend. The only thing is, I thought it was going to be for a couple of hours and it's only for an hour. I had several errands that I had to take care of today and I raced to get it done in the hour. Monday I am taking going to transfer the registration on the car to my name so that is one less thing I will have to worry about after. I feel as if this were a nightmare that I can't wake up from. If only it were.

    Crying is Good
    It's good to cry and release some of the stress. It's normal to wish that your loved one was not in pain. I know you feel the guilt as I did about wishing for a quick end. It is the right thing, though. He would wish the same for you. My husband also cried out when hospice was cleaning him up. My son said no one was going to do that to him again. He died early the following morning before they came back. My son was willing and ready to stop them. They had told us that it might be hours or it might be days before he passed, and my son didn't think it mattered if he was clean. I know how hard this time is. I was blessed to have my sons with me those last couple of days. I'm glad your brother came. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Fay
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    sassy1 said:

    Crying
    Fay,
    I just finished cleaning my husband up, changing him and giving him all his medication a little while ago. I'm sitting here now crying and I can't stop. I see him now and I look at his pictures and remember what a strong man he was and God forgive me, I wish that his suffering was over. I just touch him to change him and he yells in pain. I don't know what else to do for him. The hospice aid today said that when she rolled him over to wash and clean him that he yelled out in pain. I don't know what else they can give him. He's on so many different pain killers that the only other thing would be the morphine by IV. I know that I cannot handle that. Sometimes he has such difficulty breathing and he is constantly clearing his throat. He still takes the applesauce with his pills in it but I don't know for how much longer I can get him to do that. He doesn't seem to recognize me and tonight my brother went in to see him and it brought him to tears. I'm just wondering how long he can go on like this. It's as if he doesn't want to give up. I can't sleep at night because I lay here and listen to him breathing on the baby monitor. I now have hospice coming every day and they are also going to have someone here for the weekend. The only thing is, I thought it was going to be for a couple of hours and it's only for an hour. I had several errands that I had to take care of today and I raced to get it done in the hour. Monday I am taking going to transfer the registration on the car to my name so that is one less thing I will have to worry about after. I feel as if this were a nightmare that I can't wake up from. If only it were.

    parallels
    Shirley
    I know its been a steady process for you but we seem to now be in the same situation. We were told on Tuesday that my husband's tumours were inoperable and that he may have up to 8 weeks if he responded positively to the increased dose of steroids. Well he has continued to deteriorate and now they reckon he may have up to 2 weeks if his heart does not fail him in the meantime. Everyday it seems harder for him to swallow. Today he barely got a small pill down and several times even water came back up. He has not eaten since Tuesday (but is on the drip) His breathing was shallow yesterday and very laboured today. Some times he looks at me and seems to understand what I say ...other times he looks at me as if I am a stranger. He is being moved tomorrow from the hospital to a hospice unit and at least then I can stay overnight with him. Last week he was walking and now he can't move his right side at all -- both arm and leg have no sensation. We found out about the new tumours on the 10th and in just 11 days he has gone from just a litle tired to dying. Its hard to get our heads and hearts adjusted to this new reality.
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    onlyhuman said:

    parallels
    Shirley
    I know its been a steady process for you but we seem to now be in the same situation. We were told on Tuesday that my husband's tumours were inoperable and that he may have up to 8 weeks if he responded positively to the increased dose of steroids. Well he has continued to deteriorate and now they reckon he may have up to 2 weeks if his heart does not fail him in the meantime. Everyday it seems harder for him to swallow. Today he barely got a small pill down and several times even water came back up. He has not eaten since Tuesday (but is on the drip) His breathing was shallow yesterday and very laboured today. Some times he looks at me and seems to understand what I say ...other times he looks at me as if I am a stranger. He is being moved tomorrow from the hospital to a hospice unit and at least then I can stay overnight with him. Last week he was walking and now he can't move his right side at all -- both arm and leg have no sensation. We found out about the new tumours on the 10th and in just 11 days he has gone from just a litle tired to dying. Its hard to get our heads and hearts adjusted to this new reality.

    I'm sorry
    I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. I have my husband at home and the hospice now comes every day. My husband Glenn won't even take the pills anymore. I am giving him the liquid morphine and that seems to help his pain. He does not respond to me at all anymore and he just stares into nowhere. I have told him that it is okay for him to go, that I love him and that I will be okay. I just hate to see him the way that he is. I know you understand when I say that, to see a man go from a strong and caring person to what he is now is very heartbreaking. The hardest part in the world is being here alone with him except for the hour that the hospice is here and to know that I will be with him to watch him go. Sometimes I think of it as a blessing but other times I am afraid that I will not be able to handle it. My husband has been on hospice care since August 25th and I guess I should say that I have been lucky to have him this long. It's just been very hard to see him deteriorate. All I can say is that like myself, just take it one minute at a time. I used to say one day but now it has been reduced to minutes. My thoughts are with you.

    ((HUGS))
    Shirley
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    sassy1 said:

    I'm sorry
    I'm sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. I have my husband at home and the hospice now comes every day. My husband Glenn won't even take the pills anymore. I am giving him the liquid morphine and that seems to help his pain. He does not respond to me at all anymore and he just stares into nowhere. I have told him that it is okay for him to go, that I love him and that I will be okay. I just hate to see him the way that he is. I know you understand when I say that, to see a man go from a strong and caring person to what he is now is very heartbreaking. The hardest part in the world is being here alone with him except for the hour that the hospice is here and to know that I will be with him to watch him go. Sometimes I think of it as a blessing but other times I am afraid that I will not be able to handle it. My husband has been on hospice care since August 25th and I guess I should say that I have been lucky to have him this long. It's just been very hard to see him deteriorate. All I can say is that like myself, just take it one minute at a time. I used to say one day but now it has been reduced to minutes. My thoughts are with you.

    ((HUGS))
    Shirley

    Prayers
    I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. This is such a difficult time. You're right Shirley, it is one minute at a time. I wish there were some wise words to make it easier, but I know there aren't. Take care, Fay
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    sassy1 said:

    Crying
    Fay,
    I just finished cleaning my husband up, changing him and giving him all his medication a little while ago. I'm sitting here now crying and I can't stop. I see him now and I look at his pictures and remember what a strong man he was and God forgive me, I wish that his suffering was over. I just touch him to change him and he yells in pain. I don't know what else to do for him. The hospice aid today said that when she rolled him over to wash and clean him that he yelled out in pain. I don't know what else they can give him. He's on so many different pain killers that the only other thing would be the morphine by IV. I know that I cannot handle that. Sometimes he has such difficulty breathing and he is constantly clearing his throat. He still takes the applesauce with his pills in it but I don't know for how much longer I can get him to do that. He doesn't seem to recognize me and tonight my brother went in to see him and it brought him to tears. I'm just wondering how long he can go on like this. It's as if he doesn't want to give up. I can't sleep at night because I lay here and listen to him breathing on the baby monitor. I now have hospice coming every day and they are also going to have someone here for the weekend. The only thing is, I thought it was going to be for a couple of hours and it's only for an hour. I had several errands that I had to take care of today and I raced to get it done in the hour. Monday I am taking going to transfer the registration on the car to my name so that is one less thing I will have to worry about after. I feel as if this were a nightmare that I can't wake up from. If only it were.

    Don't stop the music or your plans
    I am sorry to hear that your husband's condition is worsening but I guess it was inevitable at this stage yet we are just never prepared for it are we? My advice to you would be to continue decorating and planning for Xmas for both of you. Even though you don't think he recognizes you or his surroundings he could well be more aware that you think so leave that Xmas music on just in case and music is so healing all the way around - for you too. Pain seems less with music, I am in chronic pain and when music is on I tend to think about it less, all worries seem just a tad lighter with music is my sense.

    I am so glad respite is in for you and you are forcing yourself to go out for a bit - you need that - really good you recognize that.

    As far as all the pain meds go, you mentioned that you felt so bad that he is on them all and I understand what you mean by that - just hate to see him have to need all of that, just thank goodness that there are pain relievers that make these kinds of situations easier on everyone. My Grandmother died of the same cancer I had, but that was in 1966 and back then they had very few choices in pain meds and she suffered more than she would have today. So be glad that there are things to help your husband today, in his transition time.

    My prayers continue to be with him and you and your entire family and friends who share in this difficult time. You are doing a great job through your grief, doing the best job for both him and you by continuing to carry on with as much normality for him as you can.

    Blessings, Bluerose
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    bluerose said:

    Don't stop the music or your plans
    I am sorry to hear that your husband's condition is worsening but I guess it was inevitable at this stage yet we are just never prepared for it are we? My advice to you would be to continue decorating and planning for Xmas for both of you. Even though you don't think he recognizes you or his surroundings he could well be more aware that you think so leave that Xmas music on just in case and music is so healing all the way around - for you too. Pain seems less with music, I am in chronic pain and when music is on I tend to think about it less, all worries seem just a tad lighter with music is my sense.

    I am so glad respite is in for you and you are forcing yourself to go out for a bit - you need that - really good you recognize that.

    As far as all the pain meds go, you mentioned that you felt so bad that he is on them all and I understand what you mean by that - just hate to see him have to need all of that, just thank goodness that there are pain relievers that make these kinds of situations easier on everyone. My Grandmother died of the same cancer I had, but that was in 1966 and back then they had very few choices in pain meds and she suffered more than she would have today. So be glad that there are things to help your husband today, in his transition time.

    My prayers continue to be with him and you and your entire family and friends who share in this difficult time. You are doing a great job through your grief, doing the best job for both him and you by continuing to carry on with as much normality for him as you can.

    Blessings, Bluerose

    Lonely
    I have just given my husband his medication and changed and cleaned him up for now. I never thought that it would go this far. I feel so bad for Glenn because everytime I move him to change him he yells out in pain. I thought that the hospice was sending someone to help me over the weekend but no one ever came and no one called. Glenn is fighting so hard to stay here and I don't understand why. I've told him that it's okay for him to go and that I've taken care of everything and that I'll be okay. He just doesn't want to let go yet. He can no longer swallow the pills so I give him the liquid morphine every four hours now and I'm afraid to go to sleep that I might not wake up to give him his dose during the night. I don't want him to have to suffer any more pain than he has to. He has always been a fighter and I think he feels that he is letting me down if he goes. Hopefully, the nurse will come to see him tomorrow knowing how bad he was on Friday when she called. My husband was in the local fire company so we always had a scanner to monitor police and fire calls on. I now keep it on just to hear an outside voice. I'm sure that you must get lonely sometimes. I yearn to be able to sit down and have one more conversation with Glenn and have him answser me back in that voice of his. And have his blue eyes look at me knowing that he is actually looking at me. He reminds me of when he was in the hospital and didn't know what was going on. The nurse said that this happens to a lot of elderly people who are confined in a room for a long period of time. I don't know, maybe it's just hope on my part. I can only pray and hope that there is one more time for us to talk together. I have never prayed so much in my life and I have never been a super religious person. I've told Glenn that whether he is here or not, I will still put up a Christmas tree for him. I told him that I would watch for a sign and that I would know it when I see it. He has been the only man I have ever loved in my life and there will never be another. All we ever wanted to do was to live a normal life. You know, have a family and our home and just the normal every day doldrums. Unfortunately, I was never able to have children and we could not afford to adopt. Then this disease came along and it has been hell ever since. We have tried to live a normal life but every time we went for the scans, it was like playing russian roulette. Sorry for rambling on but I am just trying to understand why this has all happened as I'm sure you have asked the same questions. Thank you for being there.
    ((HUGS))
    Shirley
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    sassy1 said:

    Lonely
    I have just given my husband his medication and changed and cleaned him up for now. I never thought that it would go this far. I feel so bad for Glenn because everytime I move him to change him he yells out in pain. I thought that the hospice was sending someone to help me over the weekend but no one ever came and no one called. Glenn is fighting so hard to stay here and I don't understand why. I've told him that it's okay for him to go and that I've taken care of everything and that I'll be okay. He just doesn't want to let go yet. He can no longer swallow the pills so I give him the liquid morphine every four hours now and I'm afraid to go to sleep that I might not wake up to give him his dose during the night. I don't want him to have to suffer any more pain than he has to. He has always been a fighter and I think he feels that he is letting me down if he goes. Hopefully, the nurse will come to see him tomorrow knowing how bad he was on Friday when she called. My husband was in the local fire company so we always had a scanner to monitor police and fire calls on. I now keep it on just to hear an outside voice. I'm sure that you must get lonely sometimes. I yearn to be able to sit down and have one more conversation with Glenn and have him answser me back in that voice of his. And have his blue eyes look at me knowing that he is actually looking at me. He reminds me of when he was in the hospital and didn't know what was going on. The nurse said that this happens to a lot of elderly people who are confined in a room for a long period of time. I don't know, maybe it's just hope on my part. I can only pray and hope that there is one more time for us to talk together. I have never prayed so much in my life and I have never been a super religious person. I've told Glenn that whether he is here or not, I will still put up a Christmas tree for him. I told him that I would watch for a sign and that I would know it when I see it. He has been the only man I have ever loved in my life and there will never be another. All we ever wanted to do was to live a normal life. You know, have a family and our home and just the normal every day doldrums. Unfortunately, I was never able to have children and we could not afford to adopt. Then this disease came along and it has been hell ever since. We have tried to live a normal life but every time we went for the scans, it was like playing russian roulette. Sorry for rambling on but I am just trying to understand why this has all happened as I'm sure you have asked the same questions. Thank you for being there.
    ((HUGS))
    Shirley

    hear you
    Shirley
    Our lives are so similar at the moment that all I can do is to send you hugs. I didn't think hubby would make it through last night but he came through and then was alert for a whole hour today with lots of smiles for everyone. Then of course he lapsed back into his semi comatose state. The highs and lows are so emotionally draining.
    ((((((Hugs)))))))
    Sangeeta
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    In Love
    I'm not a super religious person either. I'm not even sure what that is. I do attend church regularly and have served in a number of leadership positions. Our church family was with us every step of the way. We felt their prayers and love. Also, they continue to hold me in their prayers. I do believe that God holds all of us with love. On second thought, maybe I am super religious! Anyway, I am holding both of you and your husbands in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, it is lonely when they are gone, but I am so thankful that my husband is no longer in pain. Maybe that is part of God's plan for me. I know in my heart that my husband has been healed. He is no longer in pain which helps me go on. This is a very hard time for both of you. The waiting and the helplessness is so difficult. Prayers and Hugs, Fay
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54

    In Love
    I'm not a super religious person either. I'm not even sure what that is. I do attend church regularly and have served in a number of leadership positions. Our church family was with us every step of the way. We felt their prayers and love. Also, they continue to hold me in their prayers. I do believe that God holds all of us with love. On second thought, maybe I am super religious! Anyway, I am holding both of you and your husbands in my thoughts and prayers. Yes, it is lonely when they are gone, but I am so thankful that my husband is no longer in pain. Maybe that is part of God's plan for me. I know in my heart that my husband has been healed. He is no longer in pain which helps me go on. This is a very hard time for both of you. The waiting and the helplessness is so difficult. Prayers and Hugs, Fay

    Heartbroken
    My husband passed on this morning at 1:30am. I had changed and cleaned him up earlier in the evening and he did not respond in pain as he had before. He also stopped breathing at one point and then started again. His breathing was very labored after that and I just sat and held his hand and talked to him and he finally let go. I don't know if it's shock or what but I feel relieved that he has passed. Tell me if that's wrong but I just feel that he is out of pain now and free. I know he is here with me and always will be and the hardest part is yet to come. Now I have so much to do and think about that I don't know where to begin. I'm actually a little tired and am going to try to nap now. He will be in my heart always and forever.
  • pipwe1
    pipwe1 Member Posts: 53
    sassy1 said:

    Heartbroken
    My husband passed on this morning at 1:30am. I had changed and cleaned him up earlier in the evening and he did not respond in pain as he had before. He also stopped breathing at one point and then started again. His breathing was very labored after that and I just sat and held his hand and talked to him and he finally let go. I don't know if it's shock or what but I feel relieved that he has passed. Tell me if that's wrong but I just feel that he is out of pain now and free. I know he is here with me and always will be and the hardest part is yet to come. Now I have so much to do and think about that I don't know where to begin. I'm actually a little tired and am going to try to nap now. He will be in my heart always and forever.

    Sassy
    My thoughts and prayers are with you Sassy.....No you are not wrong that you feel relieved that he passed.. I think we all feel some relief that they are no longer in pain... Be kind to yourself and remember that you gave him the best gift that anyone can give.. Your love and support in his final hours

    Wendy xxx