Just need to talk

grannyfranny said:

Ayishah, I'm so sorry that you're feeling bad. You've been through a lot. It's no wonder that you're angry and depressed, and you have every right to feel the way you do - good heavens, you didn't CHOOSE to be miserable, any more than you chose to have cancer. (If anyone tells you "You shouldn't feel that way," please sock them someplace painful and tell them it's from me.)

I'm not an expert, but I do know that it's common for cancer patients to get depressed, it's common for post-op patients to get depressed, and it's common for mothers of infants to get depressed. It's normal. It's also common for depressed people to feel guilty about being depressed, and then we feel guilty about feeling guilty. I say "we" because I myself am depressive.

All of this is normal, but it's also miserable - so the question is, what can we do to help ourselves? I certainly can't prescribe for you, so I'll just tell you a little of my own story. Last June 30, after five days' shortness of breath (SOB for short), I developed chest pains and was admitted to the ICU of the local hospital. I got oxygen and an anticoagulant, was hooked up to monitors, and had a whole lot of tests; the docs found that I had a pulmonary embolism (lung clot) resulting from a deep-vein thrombosis (clot) or DVT in my right leg. I had a filter implanted, if that's the word, in the inferior vena cava (a big vein in my middle) to keep any more clot fragments from getting from my leg to my lungs or heart. Cool. Except that the DVT apparently had been caused by a tumor in my uterus and cervix. Just when I was feeling incredibly relieved and lucky to be alive, I got the cancer diagnosis. Home on oxygen, delay so I could recover from the embolism, self-administered injections in my belly fat - lots of fun all around - and finally, August 19, a radical hysterectomy. There was an 85% chance that I was safe from a recurrence in the pelvic region, and I could further improve the odds by having radiation. Everyone told me how lucky I was.

I was also deeply depressed. I got up and about, took walks, looked at the autumn leaves - and thought, "How lucky these people are, to have such beautiful leaves. How lucky they are to have the gorgeous deep-blue sky. How lucky they are to have ducks and swans and adorable children and loving spouses." How lucky THESE PEOPLE are. I wasn't in the middle of this beautiful world, I was looking at it from the outside, as if it were a scene in a snow globe.

Here's what helped: I had the radiation and got that out of the way. I already had a physical therapist, so I got her to work on the after-affects of the surgery. I was already on anti-depressants, but they weren't doing the job, so a started seeing a psychiatrist from time to time to find the right medication and dose. I also started seeing a psychologist to talk through things. (It just happens that the clinic I go to assigns the client one of each, with the psychiatrist supervising the psychologist.) And I went with my husband to the annual meeting/convention/whatever you want to call it of a group he belongs to - they're all Viet Nam veteran clergy or nuns, of all things, and oh boy, do they understand trauma! They hugged me, reassured me, gave thanks that I was still alive, and - maybe the most important part - told their own stories. Then we all prayed for each other and for other survivors of trauma. With them, I was inside, looking around me, instead of outside, looking in.

Ayisha, I hope you can find people who will listen to you and also share their own stories with you. I hope, too, that you will see an internist (if you haven't already) to make sure that you're physically healthy and that you will talk to her or him about your depression. Even though it's probably temporary and situational, there's no good reason for you to go on suffering. If the first doc brushes you off, try another one. Ask a nurse or a pharmacist to recommend someone - they know all the bad stuff about doctors! A good internist should also be able to advise you about physical therapy for pain or scar tissue, or counseling, or medication to help you get back on your emotional feet.

I hope I haven't blabbed you into a coma. Your message really touched me. I'll be watching this discussion board to see how you are. You ARE a survivor, all of us here are - we've all been broken and messed about to one extent or another. If we hadn't been, we wouldn't be survivors; we'd just be inexperienced.