emotional roller-coaster

Teacher03 · February 2003

I've really been struggling lately! Right now, I'm in the middle of radiation treatments for non-Hodgkins lymphoma (I've had 9 of 15). That part is going well - my tumor is shrinking nicely, and I've had very few side effects. However, my emotions are all hay-wire!!! Having cancer has caused me to dredge up feelings about people whom I've lost to cancer over the past several years. I feel that there is "unfinished business." You know - not getting to say goodbye or not getting to say things that needed saying. I talked to my doctor yesterday, and he assured me that my feelings are normal for a cancer patient, even though I might at times feel that I'm going crazy. I'm also checking into having a few sessions with an oncology social worker to talk through some of this stuff.

What really bothers me, though, is how other people have been reacting to me when I share that I'm having a hard time emotionally. My husband, for instance, just says that I'm blowing things way out of proportion, that I only have a mild case of lymphoma, and I ought to "just get over it and get on with it." Other "religious" friends tell me that I should lean on God and not worry about trying to "fix" things with people who have passed on. Heck, I'm not trying to "fix" things - I just have these feelings that I need to sort out!!!!! Like why didn't my best friend tell me she had cancer? Why did I have to find it out third hand? Why didn't someone let me know how sick she was? Why did I not know a thing until someone walked up to me at school and said, "Oh, we just wanted you to know. Sally died yesterday." That's what I'm talking about!!!!

Anyway, I'm just about "platituded" out. Oh, yeah. I got one of those "if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" e-mails this morning. I want to scream out "I KNOW!!!!!!!!!! Now, leave me alone if that's all you can come up with!!!!!!!" But I don't. I just delete them and go on. I try as much as possible to surround myself with people who ask, "How are you today?" and not only really mean it - they listen when I tell them the truth.

Anyway, thanks to all of you guys for letting me blow off some steam. I feel better now. I know from my support groups that nobody understands where a cancer patient is coming from better than another cancer patient.

May everyone's day sparkle like diamonds today!

Hugs to all,
Estelle

kamehameha6470 · February 2003

I've been done with my chemo and radiation since July, but it seems I'm struggling more now than when I was going through everything. At least I had something to focus on, you know, a goal. Just get there, that's all. I'm going to see the Doc in a few days, and ask to see our social worker too. At first, I thought it was just the tamoxifen making me crazy, but now I've come to the conclusion that I just need an ear. Someone who won't just say, "you'll get through it," but someone who can help me focus again.

I had a lot of physical help during my cancer treatment, but people don't always know how to help with the stuff between your ears, even husbands. Boy can I relate!

Anyway, if you'd like to chat sometime, I'll be checking the rooms or if you like you can email me: kei6470@rochester.rr.com

Aloha and good luck.

nutt · February 2003

I was going to give you a up lifting reply but realized at the end you were doing what we all need to do, VENT once in a while.

Your husband is most likely just as frightened as every other spouse and like most men (included) are not the most sensitive people around.

Keep fighting and talking. While I was being treated with hormones, radiation I thought the world was against me and no one understood. This will pass (it did).

I had a small battle, you have been fighting a war. You can't beat yourself up for every missed opportunity or word shared by yourself or friends. Cancer has its way of rattling us to the core and most of us have to learn our way through it.
Hang in there and VENT whenever you feel the need.
God Bless,
Joe Nutter

andromeda · February 2003

Dear Estelle,
I know what you are going though. When I was dealing with my cancer I was only seventeen years old and my feelings were all out of control, and everyone had a hard time trying to console me. I prayed to God to find strength and he smiled down on me, and gave me the strength I needed. I am now thirty-seven years old and have survived twenty years as a cancer free person. Good Luck to you and keep fighting!

God Bless
Carol Unyi

emotional roller-coaster

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