anger towards caregiver

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  • Paulinebmc
    Paulinebmc Member Posts: 1
    edited July 2016 #22
    Father in law's anger

    My father in law is 91. He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer 12 months ago. It has obviously spread quickly as he now has been diagnosed with bone cancer. He was in denial. He has been,  up to the past four months, such an extremely active man, caring for his wife who now has the start of dementia. He can hardly walk, yet insists he can still make meals for him and his wife but relies on the family, particularly myself, to help out. The last couple of weeks has proved so distressing as he has become so angry and basically, extremely nasty, so much so, he's had the family in tears by his comments and aggressive attitude. He has increased the morphine tablets, which he so was against taking any medication and has started on steroids.  I think we have now come to our wits end as we feel we can't take any more and are yet left with a terrible guilt that we have to be there even though his behaviour is becoming unbearable. Can anyone please advise what we can do to help him! 

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    Talking

    To his doctor or nurse would be the first step

     Steroids can make people very aggressive and emotional.  Morphine can do the same for some people.

    A couple of weeks can be difficult but so is the bone pain he is experiencing.  It is excruciating.

    I don't know his prognosis but it may be time for hospice. They will help with control of the pain which is the first goal.

    I would also suggest some home help, too, for preparation of meals.

    I know this is hard. I am sorry. 

  • DavidsMom2011
    DavidsMom2011 Member Posts: 2

    Father in law's anger

    My father in law is 91. He was diagnosed with prostrate cancer 12 months ago. It has obviously spread quickly as he now has been diagnosed with bone cancer. He was in denial. He has been,  up to the past four months, such an extremely active man, caring for his wife who now has the start of dementia. He can hardly walk, yet insists he can still make meals for him and his wife but relies on the family, particularly myself, to help out. The last couple of weeks has proved so distressing as he has become so angry and basically, extremely nasty, so much so, he's had the family in tears by his comments and aggressive attitude. He has increased the morphine tablets, which he so was against taking any medication and has started on steroids.  I think we have now come to our wits end as we feel we can't take any more and are yet left with a terrible guilt that we have to be there even though his behaviour is becoming unbearable. Can anyone please advise what we can do to help him! 

    Father in law's Anger

    Hi Pauline, my grandfather was also the primary caretaker for grandma, and when he got sick it wasn't just anger but fear, hopelessness, frustration that made him lash out. Luckily (?) one day my grandma (who also had mild dementia) just didn't wake up, she was lucky enough to pass away in her sleep at home in bed. His burden to care for her was immediately lifted. He still is easily angered, and says things he shouldn't, and it hurts to hear, but one strategy we have is to send in a decoy- someone to keep him occupied and talking while the worker bees clean house, stock the fridge, check medicine, whatever. Also, getting his pain under control is very important. Try talking to the doctor about which pain meds he is on, if there may be a better option. Also, they give my son Adderall for energy and it greatly improves his mood, too (he has end-stage brain cancer and can also be very moody/angry). Its amazing what the right medicine can do! Best wishes!

  • ssc1202
    ssc1202 Member Posts: 1
    This is all new and raw for

    This is all new and raw for me. My husband was just recently diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma at the base of his tongue. He has had only 1 chemo treatment along with the steroids. He is a big burly former football coach who doesn't handle being sick well. He has been so irritable and grumpy but only with me!! I know it's the chemo talking but it's really hard to not take it personally.  I cry a lot because I don't know what to say and try not to upset him. 

    i am relieved to read previous comments and know it isn't just me!!

  • Nanabeck
    Nanabeck Member Posts: 12
    ssc1202 said:

    This is all new and raw for

    This is all new and raw for me. My husband was just recently diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma at the base of his tongue. He has had only 1 chemo treatment along with the steroids. He is a big burly former football coach who doesn't handle being sick well. He has been so irritable and grumpy but only with me!! I know it's the chemo talking but it's really hard to not take it personally.  I cry a lot because I don't know what to say and try not to upset him. 

    i am relieved to read previous comments and know it isn't just me!!

    Feeling alone

    Your post sounds like I couldve wrote it, i feel the same way. My husband was newly diagnosed with the same cancer and had 2 chemo treatments and 1 to go. If you ever need to talk with someone who feels the same way and whos husband is also going through the same thing just message me. Good luck and I hope you both get better soon.

  • kaykow
    kaykow Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2019 #27
    fed up

    My husband hasn't had treatment in a year. He is in remission. He keeps taking things out on me. I have no idea what his problem is. I have asked and he says he doesn't know. I have told him to stop taking things out on me and why and how it makes me feel. However, it doesn't matter, he continues to do it. I have had enough.  This is abuse. I have had enough. This is not chemo talking. I can't say anything about anything because he will start screaming and cursing at me. I am sick of living this way.

  • Flexderec
    Flexderec Member Posts: 2
    Is he mad at you?

    Is he mad at you?

  • cee
    cee Member Posts: 1
    edited January 2021 #29
    Thank you-anger at caregiver

    My husband takes his anger out at me with rageful verbal assaults.  Sometimes I feel this is the only way he is able to manage the pain- but I am truly beyond worn out.  Reading these posts has helped me not feel alone, thank you.  Last night there was a 3 hour ranting of I hate you you piece of ****-and many variations of this.  I realize he is mad that he is dying and that I am healthy and have tried to be understanding.  It just helps that others are in this situation although I wouldn't want anyone in this situation!

  • Yardie_Wifey
    Yardie_Wifey Member Posts: 1 *

    I'm so glad I found this thread. My husband was in July diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer. He had resection surgery in early August and started three months of adjuvant chemo, with CAPOX, in mid September. While it initially seemed that the chemo would be quite manageable, he started developing complications towards the end of his second round. Initially, severe fatigue, then DVT (of which he has a history), and then severe chronic diarrhea, mouthsores and dehydration. The oncologist stopped his Xeloda pills two days ago and he is presently being evaluated for DPD insufficiency, for which he had not been tested prior to the start of the treatment. Another form of treatment will probably be necessary when his DPD status is confirmed and when he recovers from his current complications. While we were initially optimistic and determined to fight this together, the developments of the last weeks have been demoralizing and my husband has become more and more demanding and difficult to deal with, despite my best efforts. There have been several instances of verbal abuse and unreasonable behaviour, which has been very upsetting to me, as it usually happened while I was assisting. It now appears that I cannot do anything right. Just a while ago, I was yelled at to go away, when I encouraged him to drink more, and then called back twice in a minute, with equal aggression, over minor matters he could easily have dealt with himself. It really helps to put things in perspective to read that this is quite common, and it makes me understand why, as I have been bewildered. I am committed to support him through this situation, and have put most of my freelance work on hold, and hope that we will be able to recover our initial optimism. I'll check back here regularly.