Insensitive people

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  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #22
    Dear Jeff

    Dear Jeff, we often talk here about how each person is different and may respond to treatments differently.  The same is true of peoples' emotional response to our disease.

    With some we don't expect much because in the pattern of life they are not emotionally connected with us or are not empathetic to anyone.

    We do however expect more from our family...particularly since they are family.  Yet, sometimes those are the ones who seem to step back...many times because they do care and cannot handle the reality that we are sick. 

    I am glad that you are assured of your father's love, regardless of how he handles your situation.

    I am also very glad that you have your loving wife by your side to be your advocate and emotional support.

    Wishing you better days,

    Marie who loves kitties

     

  • teamzach
    teamzach Member Posts: 35
    #23
    I always felt the same way

    I always felt the same way about Zach's updates....whether they were positive or negative. People have to "relate" to what you are going through. It may be that your Dad just doesn't know what else to say? I think it would be best to confront him. Just let him know how you are feeling. I know... weird for two men to talk this way. But it may be exactly what you need. Or what he needs. No body likes to dicuss Cancer or the "what if's" - I encourage you to be as open as possible.

    About a year before Zach died we were lying in bed and he told me that he was going to tell his Dad and brother the next day the prognosis. I asked him if we should go to coffee.. or maybe go over for dinner and his response was interesting. He said: "You may think this is odd. And you may not agree.. but we will go to Mom and Dads house and I well tell them when they are watching TV. Maybe when a commercial comes on. Don't be surprised if it doesn't seem like they are paying attention."

    He knew that they are not people who like to talk about serious stuff..but that it had to be done in a non-threatning/emotional way. And it got through... Anyways. I hope this helps in some way.

    You have every right to feel the way you do!

    Janelle

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #24
    teamzach said:

    I always felt the same way

    I always felt the same way about Zach's updates....whether they were positive or negative. People have to "relate" to what you are going through. It may be that your Dad just doesn't know what else to say? I think it would be best to confront him. Just let him know how you are feeling. I know... weird for two men to talk this way. But it may be exactly what you need. Or what he needs. No body likes to dicuss Cancer or the "what if's" - I encourage you to be as open as possible.

    About a year before Zach died we were lying in bed and he told me that he was going to tell his Dad and brother the next day the prognosis. I asked him if we should go to coffee.. or maybe go over for dinner and his response was interesting. He said: "You may think this is odd. And you may not agree.. but we will go to Mom and Dads house and I well tell them when they are watching TV. Maybe when a commercial comes on. Don't be surprised if it doesn't seem like they are paying attention."

    He knew that they are not people who like to talk about serious stuff..but that it had to be done in a non-threatning/emotional way. And it got through... Anyways. I hope this helps in some way.

    You have every right to feel the way you do!

    Janelle

    Thanks Janelle. I meant to

    Thanks Janelle. I meant to tell you what a wonderful picture of you and Zak. What you are doing contributing here is wonderful.

    I am sure Zak would be proud.

    Thank you

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    #25
    I get it

    My parents are in their late 80s and my mother suffers from Alzheimers.  We went to see them this past weekend since my husband was hospitalized with his 2nd major surgery (and 2nd cancer removed).  My mother was upset because we weren't paying enough attention to her.  My father was asking my husband all kinds of questions about everything and my mother got this "ticked off" look on her face and started to cry.  I know my old mother is gone, but I asked her what was wrong.  She said "No one is asking me about my problems" which really didn't upset me.  I reminded her that my husband has cancer and will have to face treatment once again in less than 1 year.  She gave me "the look" again and I told my husband it was time to go.  I know she can't help it and has no clue what we are going through.  My brother in law is battling cancer now, too, and my sister had breast cancer 3 years ago.  She is not interested in hearing about anything to do with cancer, other than telling other family members "so and so is REALLY bad"

    I know they are in their own little world and I have had to remove myself from letting it bother me.  I also have a stepdaughter who is not concerned with her father's well being, only wants attention on herself and everyone to feel sorry for HER.  I just can't play those games anymore.  All you can control is how you react to people and I feel empowered that I don't care what I say to certain people anymore.  I'm not rude, just honest.  I think some people just don't know what to say since they are scared themselves.  Try to take in with a grain of salt, I know that has helped me.

    Linda

  • UncleBuddy
    UncleBuddy Member Posts: 1,019 Member
    #26
    Ugh!

    My dad has the beginnings of dementia and is concerned more about keeping sharp and taking care of himself. He lives with my brother and is his primary caqretaker. I live 25 minutes away. I call daily, check on them often, but I'm not there daily. I have to get them closer to me so I can be of more help. It frustrates me, but I know he's old and can't help it. He does the best he can.

    I have one sister who is a nurse and aside from an occasional call, she is not involved. She lives out of state and keeps her distance. I have another sister who lives nearby but her focus is her husband, family and friends. She will help when I ask, but I ALWAYS have to ask her to help. My brother and dad deserve better. Yes, they have me to do everything for them but it is draining. People just don't get it. My poor brother never complains and just goes with the flow. He has an incredible attitude. I am so in awe of him.

    Don't take other people's comments, or lack of, to heart. People sometimes don't know how to react or what to say. At least your dad asks you how you are and what your plan is. There are people like my sister who don't even bother to call my brother, unless it's an obligatory call for a birthday or Christmas. How sad!

    I hope all goes well with your plan of action. Kick cancer's butt!! :)

    Lin

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #27
    UncleBuddy said:

    Ugh!

    My dad has the beginnings of dementia and is concerned more about keeping sharp and taking care of himself. He lives with my brother and is his primary caqretaker. I live 25 minutes away. I call daily, check on them often, but I'm not there daily. I have to get them closer to me so I can be of more help. It frustrates me, but I know he's old and can't help it. He does the best he can.

    I have one sister who is a nurse and aside from an occasional call, she is not involved. She lives out of state and keeps her distance. I have another sister who lives nearby but her focus is her husband, family and friends. She will help when I ask, but I ALWAYS have to ask her to help. My brother and dad deserve better. Yes, they have me to do everything for them but it is draining. People just don't get it. My poor brother never complains and just goes with the flow. He has an incredible attitude. I am so in awe of him.

    Don't take other people's comments, or lack of, to heart. People sometimes don't know how to react or what to say. At least your dad asks you how you are and what your plan is. There are people like my sister who don't even bother to call my brother, unless it's an obligatory call for a birthday or Christmas. How sad!

    I hope all goes well with your plan of action. Kick cancer's butt!! :)

    Lin

    I understand that most people

    I understand that most people dont know what to say and I know my dad loves and is scared but it is still tuff to deal with. Everyone else can shut it out from time to time but I cant and I am starting to realize my wife cant shut it out either. I really hoped that she got some sustained releif. She is an awesome woman and deserves better.

  • Annabelle41415
    Annabelle41415 Member Posts: 6,742 Member
    #28
    Emotions

    Everyone shares their emotions differently.  My one brother said, wow I'm glad I got checked out a couple years ago so I'm not going through what you are.  What a dummy.  Call it inappropriate - sure, but that's him.  I'm glad you know you're dad loves you.  He is asking for your advice because he is scared for you and doesn't want to deal with it.  Sometimes people just can't and they will avert to whatever is easiest.  His is just not dwelling because he doesn't want to know.  It's ok.  Dealing with my mom's illness was hard for me and it was something that I'd want to leave alone as well.  She's gone now and wish things were different but I'm sure she knew that my love was as strong for her when not talking about it as when we were.  Good luck.

    Kim

  • teamzach
    teamzach Member Posts: 35
    #29
    janderson1964 said:

    Thanks Janelle. I meant to

    Thanks Janelle. I meant to tell you what a wonderful picture of you and Zak. What you are doing contributing here is wonderful.

    I am sure Zak would be proud.

    Thank you

    Thanks...

    Thank you so much. It makes me feel closer to him just knowing he was here and talking to all of you...

    Janelle

     

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #30
    Annabelle41415 said:

    Emotions

    Everyone shares their emotions differently.  My one brother said, wow I'm glad I got checked out a couple years ago so I'm not going through what you are.  What a dummy.  Call it inappropriate - sure, but that's him.  I'm glad you know you're dad loves you.  He is asking for your advice because he is scared for you and doesn't want to deal with it.  Sometimes people just can't and they will avert to whatever is easiest.  His is just not dwelling because he doesn't want to know.  It's ok.  Dealing with my mom's illness was hard for me and it was something that I'd want to leave alone as well.  She's gone now and wish things were different but I'm sure she knew that my love was as strong for her when not talking about it as when we were.  Good luck.

    Kim

    I have a good one for this

    I have a good one for this discussion. I just remembered when I was first diagnosed the human resourse guy for the company I work for called me up and said"Well you will do anything to get out of work". I know he was trying to be funny  but come on he is the HR guy and that is the best he can do.

  • LindaK.
    LindaK. Member Posts: 506 Member
    #31
    janderson1964 said:

    I have a good one for this

    I have a good one for this discussion. I just remembered when I was first diagnosed the human resourse guy for the company I work for called me up and said"Well you will do anything to get out of work". I know he was trying to be funny  but come on he is the HR guy and that is the best he can do.

    HR guy

    NOT funny, what the heck do they do anyway?

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,796 Member
    #32
    janderson1964 said:

    I have a good one for this

    I have a good one for this discussion. I just remembered when I was first diagnosed the human resourse guy for the company I work for called me up and said"Well you will do anything to get out of work". I know he was trying to be funny  but come on he is the HR guy and that is the best he can do.

    They just don't think

    That reminded me of about four comments I got when I was first diagnosed. "Oh, my .... (fill in th blank) died of that."  image  For goodness sakes! How on earth do they think thats an appropriate comment? 

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