Funny Bonz IV
Comments
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Picsgarym said:Beer, more than just a breakfast drink...
I hope these show on your screens, they're funny!
Not on mine I'm afraid, Gary.
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Your age according to Home Depot...You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of these tasks, you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.Depending on your age you might do the following:In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick up too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares?
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?0 -
I regret to say...garym said:Your age according to Home Depot...
You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of these tasks, you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.Depending on your age you might do the following:In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick up too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares?
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?that I have been to the hardware store(s) in the jeans that have been splattered with a bleach solution from pressure washing the patio, my stained purple Relay t-shirt, old shoes and a straw hat with a hole in it for my pony tail. But I don't have a dog or a ripped crotch in the pants. But still in my 70's and who cares? Am I on track for the aging list?
Donna
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Good luck Mr. Gorsky...
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
- "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO
PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY, "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
IT BROKE THE PLACE UP.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.0 -
Senior love...
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite0 -
Dinner date conversation...garym said:Senior love...
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
Seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kiteA while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster, Patron, Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a bl** job tonight."
I said "Would you care for dessert?"0 -
Rainy weekend...garym said:Dinner date conversation...
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster, Patron, Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a bl** job tonight."
I said "Would you care for dessert?"We had a power outage last weekend and my PC, I-Phone, TV and games console all shut down immediately.It was raining, I couldn't golf or go fishing, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.She seems like a nice person.0 -
Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell...garym said:Rainy weekend...
We had a power outage last weekend and my PC, I-Phone, TV and games console all shut down immediately.It was raining, I couldn't golf or go fishing, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.She seems like a nice person.Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell... back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion, and as required by law tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry our health plans to the same nit wits who couldn't make money running a **** house and selling whiskey..?? What the hell are we thinking..?
From a cartoon just sent to me...
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WarningGSRon said:Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell...
Bail'em out..!!..?? Hell... back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch in Nevada for tax evasion, and as required by law tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry our health plans to the same nit wits who couldn't make money running a **** house and selling whiskey..?? What the hell are we thinking..?
From a cartoon just sent to me...
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Brilliant!Alexandra said:Warning
Sitting here in the UK, I'd say: Absolutely, without any reservation!!!
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Puerto Rico postage stamps...
Had to clean this one up a bit, but you'll get the gist...
A woman calls her Gyno for an appointment explaining that she keeps finding Puerto Rican postage stamps in her panties.
At the appointment the doc says its one of the strangest things he has ever heard and says "Lets take a look." so into the stirrups she goes.
As he examines her the doctor suddlenly begins to laugh uncontrolably, which upsets her and she demands to know what he is laughing at.
"Well" he says, "they're not postage stamps, they're Chiquita Banana stickers."
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Physicians Weigh in on Obama Care...
The AMA has reported the following regarding the AHCA;
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but,
The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but.
The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception,
While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!",
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
While the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and
The Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole
new face on the matter".
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but,
The Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and,
Those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end,
The Proctologists won out,
Leaving the entire decision up to the a$$holes in Washington.0 -
Why, why, why???
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, well, night.
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Why Ethel changed hotels!!!!!!garym said:Why, why, why???
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.
If they're OK, then it's you.A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, well, night.
Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in."I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!Now how does that sound?"He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."0 -
A new bedtime wine for seniors...garym said:Why Ethel changed hotels!!!!!!
Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns....She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in."I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!Now how does that sound?"He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!0 -
Cheap Drinks..garym said:A new bedtime wine for seniors...
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!OK, those few of you from the other side of the pond will get this a bit faster than some of us Yanks... Ron
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says,
"That'll be 10p each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are
produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please."They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price”.0
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