Manuel, Manuel, Manuel. Please

Please Manuel, Stop thinking of all the crazy stuff.  Mom is suffering and grieving, unfortunately, she is exhibiting her anger by picking on you.  I have just had a great loss and I was doing the same thing to my husband  because I just wanted to hurt him because of the hurt I was going through.  Please Don't let mom make you do anything that will hurt you or hurt her.  Did you tell your psychologists about the way you feel?.  Did you discuss it with your mom?  You said you are 24 years old, are you working?  Do you support yourself?  Can you move out?  Please darling, don't let this get the better of you.  I remember all the things you talked about the hospital.  Listening to the breathing, checking to see if my loved one had died.   You and mom are still in the grieving period and some people grieve in strange ways, she is taking it out on you.  Remember Manuel she is hurting to the core.  It's your duty now to step up and help mom.  I know as a mom myself we can be hard on our children, but I know mom loves you she is just going through a hard time now.  Please don't even think about suicide or hurting her.  Please tell your family members they way you are feeling.  Sometimes, when I laugh, I feel guilty and stop I feel as though that I have no right to laugh.  But know that it's ok to take time off from grieving  -- to smile, laugh and enjoy life.  This does not mean you are forgetting your beloved dad; that would be impossible.  Most of all let mom know how you feel.  Don't worry too much about your friends, sometimes they probably don't know what to say or do for you.  You call them up and tell them you want to go out a bit.  Please let me know how you are doing?  I am worried for you because I was exactly in the same situation you were in.  If you want you can message me privately and I will give you my phone number and we can talk.  Don't worry, I am older than your mom or dad.  Take care and be strong and face the world.  Waiting to hear from you.

Wow!!! you are a good Guy.

Ok, I do understand your anger. I felt the same way last year when my loved one died at 40 years old.  I was there just like you.  But guess what it is coming up to one year and I was crying every day, lying in bed and don't want to do anything.  Then this week I got up and said to myself "you have to stop focusing on the loss and try to move on"  I started and I am feeling a little better.

Manuel, I asked you if you can move out.  Can you go share a room at a friend's house of a family member?  That might be a wake up call for mom.  I don't want you to continue living in such a miserable condition.  You can move and grieve in your own way.  I am going to share with you something that I read that really helped me to start healing.  Here it is.  Let me know what you think.

TRUST IN TIME:The phrase :Time heals all wounds" may sound like a meaningless cliche, but the truth is that you will recover from this loss in time.  Initially, memories will hurt you to your core, even the good one, but at some point that will begin to change, and you will come to cherish those memories.  They will bring a smile to your face and joy to your heart.  Grief is similar to a roller coaster or the ocean's tide.  Know that it is okay to take time off from grieving (I did mention this to you before) to smile, laugh and enjoy life.  This does not mean you are forgetting your beloved dad; that would be impossible.

Manuel, from the way you write, I can tell that you are quite an intelligent young man. I know that you will get better and heal.  Trust me Manuel, trust in time.  I wish I could just take all this hurt and anger away from you, but I know that it will soon subside.

Do you know what the condition of the dead is? Here is another thing I learned and it really impacted my life and this is directly from the Bible.

When Someone You Love Dies . . .

Ricky and MaryAnne had been happily married for 18 years and had one child. But for about a year Ricky had been having pain in his shoulder. By the summer of 1981, it had intensified and he was slowly becoming paralyzed. Emergency surgery revealed a cancerous tumor high up on his spine. Several months later, on February 2, 1982, Ricky died at the age of 48. “It was hard to accept,” explains MaryAnne. “For a long time it was like he was still going to walk in the door.”

HAVE you, or someone you know, had a similar experience? When someone you love dies, feelings and attitudes may surface that you’ve never before experienced. Perhaps you wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. Or, like MaryAnne, you have difficulty accepting it, although some time has gone by.

Nevertheless, you can recover—not forget, but recover. ‘But how?’ you ask. Well, before we can answer that, it’s helpful to know more about how it feels when a loved one dies. Recently Awake! interviewed a number of persons who had lost a loved one in death. Their comments appear in this series of articles. It can be reassuring to know that others have felt as you may feel. And understanding how they have dealt with their feelings may be of great help to you.

Recalls MaryAnne in explaining how she felt just after Ricky died: “I would talk about him incessantly. It was a way of keeping him alive. For the first year I was in a state of shock. There are so many things that you have to do to get your affairs in order. You get so involved with those things that you don’t have time to deal with the emotional part of it.

“I ended up in the hospital with high blood pressure. Finally, while I was in the hospital, away from the pressure of home and everything else, then I was able to face what had happened to me. It was like, ‘Where do I go from here?’”

An unusual reaction? Not really. When first learning that a loved one has died, it’s rather common to go into psychological shock. As others who have experienced it say: “You hear what’s said to you and yet you don’t hear everything. Your mind is partially focused in present reality and partially not.”

This shock may act almost like an anesthetic. How so? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “It’s a kind of protection that allows the enormity of what’s happened to sink in gradually.” Such shock may help cushion you against the full emotional impact of your loss. As Stella, a widow in New York City, explained: “You’re stunned. You don’t feel anything.”

“There Must Be Some Mistake!”

Along with this initial numbness, it’s not uncommon to go through various forms of denial. “There must be some mistake!” can often be heard during the early hours of grief. For some the loss is difficult to accept, particularly if they weren’t with their loved one when he or she died. Recalls Stella: “I didn’t see my husband die; it happened in the hospital. So it was hard to believe that he was dead. He went out to the store that day, and it was as if he would be coming back.”

You know your loved one has died, yet your habits and memories may deny it. For example, explains Lynn Caine in her book Widow: “When something funny happened, I’d say to myself, ‘Oh, wait until I tell Martin about this tonight! He’ll never believe it.’ There were times in my office when I would stretch out my hand to the telephone to call him, to chat. Reality always intervened before I dialed.”

Others have done similar things, such as consistently setting the wrong number of plates for dinner or reaching for the departed one’s favorite foods in the supermarket. Some even have vivid dreams of the deceased or imagine seeing him on the street. It’s not uncommon for survivors to fear that they’re going out of their mind. But these are common reactions to such a drastic change in one’s life.

Eventually, though, the pain cuts through, perhaps bringing with it other feelings that you weren’t prepared to deal with.

“He Left Us!”

“My kids would get upset and say, ‘He left us!’” explained Corrine, whose husband died about two years ago. “I’d tell them, ‘He didn’t leave you. He didn’t have any control over what happened to him.’ But then I’d think to myself, ‘Here I am telling them that, and I’m feeling the same way!’” Yes, surprising as it may seem, anger quite often accompanies grief.

It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. As Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.”

And sometimes there’s anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor. Explains Corrine: “I’m not used to handling all the responsibilities of caring for the house and the family. You can’t call on others for every little thing. Sometimes I get angry about that.”

On the heels of anger often comes another feeling—guilt.

“He Wouldn’t Have Died if Only I Had . . . ”

Some feel guilty because of anger—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s dying. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times they got angry at or argued with the departed one. Or they may feel that they really were not all that they should have been to the deceased. They are tormented by thoughts such as, ‘I should have—or shouldn’t have—done this or that.’

Mike, a young man in his early 20’s, recalls: “I never had a good relationship with my father. It was only in recent years that I really even started talking to him. Now [since his father died] there are so many things I feel I should have done or said.” Of course, the fact that now there’s no way to make it up may only add to the frustration and guilt.

As difficult as it is to lose a spouse, a parent, a brother, or a sister in death, what some consider to be the most tragic loss of all is the death of a child.

When Someone You Love Dies . . .

Ricky and MaryAnne had been happily married for 18 years and had one child. But for about a year Ricky had been having pain in his shoulder. By the summer of 1981, it had intensified and he was slowly becoming paralyzed. Emergency surgery revealed a cancerous tumor high up on his spine. Several months later, on February 2, 1982, Ricky died at the age of 48. “It was hard to accept,” explains MaryAnne. “For a long time it was like he was still going to walk in the door.”

HAVE you, or someone you know, had a similar experience? When someone you love dies, feelings and attitudes may surface that you’ve never before experienced. Perhaps you wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again. Or, like MaryAnne, you have difficulty accepting it, although some time has gone by.

Nevertheless, you can recover—not forget, but recover. ‘But how?’ you ask. Well, before we can answer that, it’s helpful to know more about how it feels when a loved one dies. Recently Awake! interviewed a number of persons who had lost a loved one in death. Their comments appear in this series of articles. It can be reassuring to know that others have felt as you may feel. And understanding how they have dealt with their feelings may be of great help to you.

Recalls MaryAnne in explaining how she felt just after Ricky died: “I would talk about him incessantly. It was a way of keeping him alive. For the first year I was in a state of shock. There are so many things that you have to do to get your affairs in order. You get so involved with those things that you don’t have time to deal with the emotional part of it.

“I ended up in the hospital with high blood pressure. Finally, while I was in the hospital, away from the pressure of home and everything else, then I was able to face what had happened to me. It was like, ‘Where do I go from here?’”

An unusual reaction? Not really. When first learning that a loved one has died, it’s rather common to go into psychological shock. As others who have experienced it say: “You hear what’s said to you and yet you don’t hear everything. Your mind is partially focused in present reality and partially not.”

This shock may act almost like an anesthetic. How so? Explains the book Death and Grief in the Family: “It’s a kind of protection that allows the enormity of what’s happened to sink in gradually.” Such shock may help cushion you against the full emotional impact of your loss. As Stella, a widow in New York City, explained: “You’re stunned. You don’t feel anything.”

“There Must Be Some Mistake!”

Along with this initial numbness, it’s not uncommon to go through various forms of denial. “There must be some mistake!” can often be heard during the early hours of grief. For some the loss is difficult to accept, particularly if they weren’t with their loved one when he or she died. Recalls Stella: “I didn’t see my husband die; it happened in the hospital. So it was hard to believe that he was dead. He went out to the store that day, and it was as if he would be coming back.”

You know your loved one has died, yet your habits and memories may deny it. For example, explains Lynn Caine in her book Widow: “When something funny happened, I’d say to myself, ‘Oh, wait until I tell Martin about this tonight! He’ll never believe it.’ There were times in my office when I would stretch out my hand to the telephone to call him, to chat. Reality always intervened before I dialed.”

Others have done similar things, such as consistently setting the wrong number of plates for dinner or reaching for the departed one’s favorite foods in the supermarket. Some even have vivid dreams of the deceased or imagine seeing him on the street. It’s not uncommon for survivors to fear that they’re going out of their mind. But these are common reactions to such a drastic change in one’s life.

Eventually, though, the pain cuts through, perhaps bringing with it other feelings that you weren’t prepared to deal with.

“He Left Us!”

“My kids would get upset and say, ‘He left us!’” explained Corrine, whose husband died about two years ago. “I’d tell them, ‘He didn’t leave you. He didn’t have any control over what happened to him.’ But then I’d think to myself, ‘Here I am telling them that, and I’m feeling the same way!’” Yes, surprising as it may seem, anger quite often accompanies grief.

It may be anger at doctors and nurses, feeling that they should have done more in caring for the deceased. Or anger at friends and relatives who, it seems, say or do the wrong thing. Some get angry at the departed one for neglecting his health. As Stella recalls: “I remember being angry with my husband because I knew it could have been different. He had been very sick, but he had ignored the doctors’ warnings.”

And sometimes there’s anger at the departed one because of the burdens that his or her death brings upon the survivor. Explains Corrine: “I’m not used to handling all the responsibilities of caring for the house and the family. You can’t call on others for every little thing. Sometimes I get angry about that.”

On the heels of anger often comes another feeling—guilt.

“He Wouldn’t Have Died if Only I Had . . . ”

Some feel guilty because of anger—that is, they may condemn themselves because they feel angry. Others blame themselves for their loved one’s dying. “He wouldn’t have died,” they convince themselves, “if only I had made him go to the doctor sooner” or “made him see another doctor” or “made him take better care of his health.”

For others the guilt goes beyond that, especially if their loved one died suddenly, unexpectedly. They start recalling the times they got angry at or argued with the departed one. Or they may feel that they really were not all that they should have been to the deceased. They are tormented by thoughts such as, ‘I should have—or shouldn’t have—done this or that.’

Mike, a young man in his early 20’s, recalls: “I never had a good relationship with my father. It was only in recent years that I really even started talking to him. Now [since his father died] there are so many things I feel I should have done or said.” Of course, the fact that now there’s no way to make it up may only add to the frustration and guilt.

As difficult as it is to lose a spouse, a parent, a brother, or a sister in death, what some consider to be the most tragic loss of all is the death of a child.

I will be waiting to hear from you!!!!!

 

ManuelMalta said:

Updates

Hi. Some updates. Am feeling a little better. With mum things are going a bit better. We're not fighting *fingers crossed*.

However, I feel like I'm getting worse. And it's all because of my friends. All my friends, they all have work, school, girlfriends etc and can never hang out with me. Even though I can understand that they have to give priority to their girlfriends, can't they just, at least, give me 15mins of their time weekly? I mean, they all made promises when my father died, that if and when I needed them, they'd be there for me. Now, just 6 months later, they've all abaondoned me. And my only other friend who's single like me, we're not talking at the moment. I just grew frustrated with him over the fact that WHENEVER I tell him to go out, he just makes excuses and stays inside. Then he grumbles because he doesn't have friends etc. Like last time, I invited him to a party, told him to come with me, and as usual he was all like "Nah, I don't know your friends bla bla". And I just got frustrated with him. Didn't call him names or offend him or anything, but we're just not communicating at all. I mean, why would I need a friend, who never hangs out with me and just makes excuses all the time? And now I'm spending the whole week, plus the weekends, all alone at home with my mother and grandma, while seeing the statuses of all my friend's facebook pages saying that they're out having fun, while I'm stuck here at home because my friend just wants to make it impossible to meet up with him.

What the hell am I going to do? I mean, I LOVE hanging out with him, but on the other hand, I get really mad and annoyed that whenever I ask him to go out, he just says no and maybe. Basically, every time that I ask him to go out and he says no, he just ruins my day. He's a very good friend and good listener and so on, but I want a friend who at least tries to make an effort to meet with me.

Note: I live in Malta, a VERY small island, and he just lives 15mins away from me by car. The whole island is accessable by car in just a  matter of few minutes

Manuel:
 
Here, we'll be your

Manuel:

 

Here, we'll be your friends here!!! I would be more than happy to be your friend here online. And I would wait for your message with happiness and even if you need to complain I would be here as well as just to laugh around. The people who left you posts previously are right in all aspects. Your Mom has just as hard time as you do, and everybody gets their frustration differently. I am not saying what she has been doing with you is right. No, it's not. But this is her nature, this is what the loss of her loved one took out of her. When my Mom died I became completely numb. I did not talk A WORD (not kidding!) to anyone, with an occasional reply of "I don't care" when they tried to talk to me. I felt defeated, and I felt that if I don't care then nothing and no one can hurt me because I simply don't care. The other kids were trying to communicate with me, try to engange me into playing and I was harsh and cold, barked at them and walked away. I barked a the teachers at school. I basically barked at the world! I would add here when you're thinking of killing yourself think again Is this what your dad would want you to do? Would he be happy to hear that he is seeing you because you killed yourself? He would be devastated! He would feel sooooo guilty! If you love your dad, you cannot make her guilty. This is how I came to change. From that anger, and hate, one night I realized that my Mom is seeing me and she is probably very sad and feels very guilty. I realized I cannot make her feel guilty, I cannot make her looking down at me in tears that her daughter has lost it all, screwing her life up. That she is a monster that she has left me. I realized I cannot make her feel this way. I forced myself to change, so that I could show her that she can be happy, and proud of me. So, I say think about these, and think how your dad wants to see you. He is probably already sad that his wife is handling it so bad. Show him that you can do it, and maybe you can even help your Mom cope with it. Tell her when she barks at you that Mom, I love you, no matter how you're yelling with me. I love you, and I miss dad just as much as you miss him. Let us try to show him that we can help each other and have each other as a cool family. I miss dad, and cannot understand his death, but honestly, I miss you too. I miss my awesome Mom who you were before Dad died. Say something like these along the lines to her when she barks at you. She might going to realize that yes, you are also going through a hard time. My Mom died 4 years ago, and my dad died 2 years before my Mom's death. And although my Mom didn't go through this yelling phase as your Mom, but I remember occasionally she'd be cooking, and I would walk up telling her something from school and I would realize she is in tears. It bugged me soooo much. She was like crying inside, never told me that she's sad, never cried to me. I guess she wanted to protect me from being sad, I was only 10 at the time when dad died. But then 2 years later when she was dying, she was crying to me. Crying so much. She was in pain all over, inside, outside. But what bothered me is more how her heart is hurting. She saw and knew how she'll never see me growing up. She knew I'll be a "stray dog".

In terms of your "friends" who are not even letting you hanging out with them and just disappeared from your world. I would say, they were never really your friend. A true friend is always there whether it's about happy hanging outs, or complaining, and sharing hard times. Those friends were not really your friends. They were people who enjoyed hanigng out with you and now don't know how to deal with you (since you're "weird" for having a hard time due to the loss of your dad, and your mom's way of coping with the loss). Maybe you have to search for new friends? People who don't know you yet....they won't be able to judge and compare you with your "old self". They will like you for who you are NOW with your difficulties and with your good sense of humor.

Well, I wrote here a life novel for you. Sorry about that. I was never really good at conveying my thoughts in two sentence. I do want to re-read this on and off when you have mood swings, and the feeling of dying is the best option, when you're feeling no one is out there. We're here...I, myself lurk around here. This site is good, I read th colorectal colon board all the time (that's the cancer my Mom died of). Reading this site helps me gain more understanding of what actually happened, and that maybe there really wasn't anything I could have done differently. Because that is what chews me the most: that maybe I could have done something else and maybe my Mom would still be around.

Please take care of yourself, and your Mom!!!!

Hello,

 

Good to hear from you. Well, your friends are not comfortable maybe meeting you because like you say, you're pretty relaxed and funny with them even still today, but I think they are afraid that something might make you sad, or upset. You know, something that reminds you of your dad, or a stupid joke that otherwise would've never hurt you in the past would hurt you now. I remember when my loss was fresh and somebody joked something along with death....I stopped cold and showed in an instant how upset I am and how that was not a funny joke. So, maybe your friends are almost "afraid" of meeting you as they don't know where is the fine line that they might cross and make you upset, or sad whether it was a joke they said, or whether there was something (food, song, clothing, color etc.) that made you remember of your dad and hence became gloomy for the rest of the time and it was just clear you lost your good sense of humor that you had a second ago. I don't know, I'm just speculating here..but don't hate your life. Your dad sees you, and probably feels really guilty that he destroyed you. He did not want to do that. He wants to see you happy, and cope well, and I know, easier said than done, but for him, you gotta show him you're strong and you'll have a good life. You'll find other people who'll be really your friend. I agree, in my head too, friends supposed to be the ones who are always there no matter the circumstances...but I also believe that friendship sort of transformed with all the good technologies and there's very little real friendship anymore. The people we still call friends are not really friends anymore, but buddies. And in my dictionary, there's a huge difference between friends and buddies. Anyway, take it one step at a time, and you'll find new friends woh will make your day brighter! I'll be here in the background as an online friend. (if you don't mind)

Take care!